A cheater changed?

[lovebutter]

Hey everyone,

 

First time post, and it's an upsetting one. I'm 20 and have cheated on my girlfriend of almost 3 years. For the most part, I've been a perfect boyfriend. Over the past 6 months, I've cheated a few times. At first, I tried the whole, "You're young, live life" thing, that's what the first girl told me, and I guess it sounded great, I fell for it. I cheated again recently, but have told myself it won't happen again, and it's time to start giving my girlfriend my all, regardless of my frustration and/or unhappiness with her. I'm trying to improve myself by learning through these mistakes. Should I tell her? You bet ya. Will I? No. My girlfriend has depression and suicidal tendencies, should I have thought of that amongst other things before ****ing up? Hell yeah.

 

My point is, I've made mistakes, I've learned. End of story. I'm taking the knowledge from them and throwing the rest out the window. My girlfriend is my everything... I need to change, I want to change. I used to be (believe it or not) one of the harshest critics of cheaters. I plan to bring back that frame of mind, the one where all I need to do is please her, and I'm happy.

 

The reasons for my frustration and unhappiness with my current girlfriend are simple, yet they've royally messed with my heart. She's left me for my best friend, she's never apologized for it, she never appreciates anything I do for her, she is never happy to speak to me or see me, but I stick around. Because I stick around, and I'm unhappy, I've now (obviously) messed up big time.

 

I looked through a few other threads... everyone are hard on cheaters, and rightfully so... And everyone is going to tell me I'm a low-life, I'm a ****er, I need to tell her, I shouldn't be so selfish, etc. And I earned all that, and I know all that. But I'm here for advice on how to improve this relationship, how to improve MY mindset, how to change the relationship.

 

Why this sudden change from cheater to caring boyfriend? I finally wised up. For the longest time, I'd **** around, have fun, never worry... Tonight, all that rage and hatred for myself hit me. I've always had extremely low self esteem, and a slight dislike for myself, but now I feel I've lost all hope in myself (rightfully so, right? heh). I need direction. I need advice on how to repair MY brain, my heart. I'm young, she's young, I adore her but rarely feel she adores me... Over the years, I've held on for change, for all my energy and effort of saving her life (literally) and helping her deal with depression and "cutting". After all this... the relationship struggles. Does it struggle because of my cheating? No, I struggle because of it, and I deserve that. But I struggled before, she doesn't care... I need to fix this. I NEVER lie to her, but these mistakes will be forever locked away. I refuse to risk putting her into depression and/or essentially risking her life.

 

So, go ahead, rip into me, tell me how horrible I am. I know it all already, what I don't know is how to it all work like the first year of dating. I don't know how to solve the issues that "helped" drive me to cheating. THAT'S what I need help, I don't need help realizing what a mess-up I am...

 

So, rip into me, enjoy it. But please, I beg of you, please... suggest advice on how to help this relationship gain it's steam back... I'm very tired, out of energy after two and half years of working SO hard to save this girl, and now I've pushed myself back to square one.

 

Thanks everyone... I understand what everyone here thinks of me, and I deserve it...But know this, I have never cheated before her, and will NEVER cheat again. NEVER.

 

"You're a failure"

"You're an *******"

"You suck."

"jerk."

 

Let me have it.

[Salicious Crumb]

Hey everyone,

 

First time post, and it's an upsetting one. I'm 20 and have cheated on my girlfriend of almost 3 years. For the most part, I've been a perfect boyfriend. Over the past 6 months, I've cheated a few times. At first, I tried the whole, "You're young, live life" thing, that's what the first girl told me, and I guess it sounded great, I fell for it. I cheated again recently, but have told myself it won't happen again, and it's time to start giving my girlfriend my all, regardless of my frustration and/or unhappiness with her. I'm trying to improve myself by learning through these mistakes. Should I tell her? You bet ya. Will I? No. My girlfriend has depression and suicidal tendencies, should I have thought of that amongst other things before ****ing up? Hell yeah.

 

My point is, I've made mistakes, I've learned. End of story.

 

No its not the end of story. And cheating is NOT a mistake. It is a conscious decision that you KNEW was wrong, but did it anyway.

 

Oh, I suppose the women you cheated with and you just happened to be naked in the same room, you tripped and your lil sprout just happened to fall right into her nether region.....sure, I'm sorry, could happen to anyone. Don't you just hate things being dropped on the floor for you to trip over? Phfft.

 

I'm taking the knowledge from them and throwing the rest out the window. My girlfriend is my everything... I need to change, I want to change. I used to be (believe it or not) one of the harshest critics of cheaters. I plan to bring back that frame of mind, the one where all I need to do is please her, and I'm happy.

 

The reasons for my frustration and unhappiness with my current girlfriend are simple, yet they've royally messed with my heart. She's left me for my best friend, she's never apologized for it, she never appreciates anything I do for her, she is never happy to speak to me or see me, but I stick around. Because I stick around, and I'm unhappy, I've now (obviously) messed up big time.

 

Well if she left you for your friend, then she is no better. Still, you got back with her. Cheating doesn't make it right.

 

If she did this to you with your friend, you should have dumped her on her sorry butt an left her there.

 

Maybe thats what you should do now...you two clearly have screwed each other over. Doesn't sound like you need to be together...but then again, if you stay, you will be saving two other people.

 

I looked through a few other threads... everyone are hard on cheaters, and rightfully so... And everyone is going to tell me I'm a low-life, I'm a ****er, I need to tell her, I shouldn't be so selfish, etc. And I earned all that, and I know all that. But I'm here for advice on how to improve this relationship, how to improve MY mindset, how to change the relationship.

 

Ok, you realize that already...so I'll lighten up.

 

So here is what you do and I am telling you this because I am an example of what happens if you DON'T do what I am advising you to do.

 

I have been married for 6 years and have two kids. I found out a year ago from one of my wife's old friends that came back to town that she cheated on my when we were engaged. This friend of hers, who actually can't stand her now, told me because there is bad blood there that was my wife's fault. After much harrassing, I finally got my wife to admit it.

 

So basically here I am, I resent the hell out of my wife for not telling me and giving me the opportunity to decide for myself if I want to marry her.

And I guarantee if I had known she cheated, I would have gotten my engagement ring back and called off the wedding.

 

But here I am trying to swallow pride and bottle up my never ending resentment for her for the sake of my children. Some people say divorce, but in my situation with the kids, its not all that easy.

 

So what do YOU do? You tell your gf before it gets any more serious. You shouldn't go into a marriage, if thats what you are thinking, with secrets like this. Because if she finds out later, you could ruin your life, her life and the lives of any children you may have with her.

 

Some people will tell you no good can come from telling her...but they haven't been on my side of things. Nothing is worse than knowing years later that you married someone that betrayed you and you feel like there is nothing you can do except divorce or be miserable the rest of your life.

 

Either way you lay the groundwork for more hurt than you can possibly imagine by not getting this in the open now.

[aeren944]

Hey there.

 

First of all, cheating never helps anything... but it sounds like you already know that.

 

It sounds to me that you're just not happy in the relationship. You've got certain needs (emotionally) that she can't seem to address. I think you're waiting to change so that she will change, but honestly, it doesn't sound like it's going to happen.

 

I'm the same way as you... low self-esteem, beat up on myself... at least, until I realized that there are some things that just need to change internally before you can start affecting your world. It's good that you see the uselessness of your actions, and realize that it was selfish. But, at the same time, you *are* young. Don't be scared of being single and trying to find a girl that will meet your needs more. You don't want to change too much for this girl when she can't even address your basic emotional needs.

 

You can't save her, because she'll just feed off of whatever you give her and remain in a state of depression. I've been there, too. You need to fix yourself before you spend any more energy fixing her. She's her own person, and I know you care about her. But, are you prepared to be miserable as long as you're with her because nothing you do helps? Just a thought.

[Reckless]

You, young man seem to have bigger fish to fry....

 

Sure, cheating is definitely not a good relationship move but you seem very mixed up about relationships in general and your relationship with your girl most of all.

 

You mention your low self esteem and your sticking in a relationship with someone that...., to put it frankly, doens't seem to actually like you very much. You are consumed with anger over her past infidelity and just seem generally to be unhappy.

 

Believe me, unless you are a complete human being free of regret bitterness and anger (well, as free a possible given the state of the world, the union and our own imperfections) you have little hope of being in a good relationship yet alone being faithful in a bad one.

 

My advice would be to 'take a break' from your girl so you can both see if you are really good for each other. Work on your self esteem, work through some of your anger and if you feel you really want to be together further down the line, resume play with a healthier outlook.

[lovebutter]

Thanks everyone for the advice. Sorry my initial post was pretty... confusing. I was very upset and was having a hard time putting things into words. I realize I have my own issues to tend to, and I am trying my best to resolve them... Every time I am with her, they go away, I "suck it up" and be strong for her. The one time I had a hard day around her, it wasn't good, she couldn't handle it. I'm trying to be strong for her...

 

To the first response, I never asked for understanding about my cheating, or sympathy. I know what I did, I know that I'm responsible. People make mistakes, sometimes, those mistakes could have been avoided but we're stupid enough to follow through with them anyway (such as cheating).

 

I've come to realize that I need to let the thing with my friend "go". It was awhile ago, and now that I have made a mistake, I understand hers better. Does that make either of us "okay" and "right"? Nope. But these things have happened, that's the point. All of this crap has occurred. I don't need to know what a mess-up I am because of it, trust me, I already know that.

 

I guess this is more of a "help me save my girl" type of post. I must be honest, I'm just very edgy and confused, hence why my posts are probably making little to no sense.

 

We did take a break awhile ago for about a week. She hated it, and hated me being okay with it. It just made her more confused and frustrated, so I don't want to do that to her again.

 

I don't need "advice" on what to do with myself I don't think, it's very simply, I need to stop the bad things. They're stopped. I won't cheat ever again, on her, or anyone, never. And believe it or not, I DO adore this girl, I love her with everything I've got, but obviously, lately that has not been true.

 

When me and her are together, you'd think we're the happiest two kids on earth. We kiss constantly, we cuddle, we ALWAYS hold hands, and it's been over two years, and all that is still going on. But things aren't perfect. I wish I could explain why I cheated, I can't. I guess a part of me went with, "You're young, go for it" thing and that was a great idea (not!), then I started saying to myself, "It's because of the thing with my friend, maybe", nope. There's no reason, and to be 110% honest, I did not even enjoy any of the times I cheated, not at all, in fact, to be honest, DURING it, I was regretting it. Does that make it right, or not as bad? Hell no. I'm just trying to show how in a way, it can "just happen". I knew what I was doing, I could have backed away, and I wanted to, but I didn't. It was a lapse in judgment...

 

In the end, all I want is to learn from these mistakes and move on to her. I NEED to get back to good with her. I need her to smile every day... I need to see her face, I need to be that romantic she fell in love with. I still write her songs, poetry, buy her things, etc, all the time, but it's not enough. I need help on what to do as a boyfriend, and don't say, "Don't cheat, jerk!" because I'm clearly figured that part out.

 

Like I said, I guess this is more of a "help my lost relationship" post than anything. I no longer hang out or see the people I regrettably got involved with and am happy with that decision. I know that I have "issues", and like I said, for this whole relationship, I've been working on myself too, but she's far more important.

 

Everyone will say it's not my job to "save her", but it is. I'd die for her, and I mean that. On our first date when I accidentally saw her deeply scarred wrists, I knew I had a fair amount of work ahead, and I stuck around, maybe that was a mistake, maybe not, all I know is this girl, she is my life. This girl is so beautiful, physically, mentally, emotionally, that I cannot stand here and say, "Eh, I messed up, time for a break." or "We should break up". I need to stand up to her and be like I used to, the "best boyfriend". Not because it boosts my ego or something, but because it makes her happy. You have no clue what it's like to see her smile. When I see her smile, I feel like I've conquered the world.

 

How can I mend this once perfect relationship? How can I handle her and her depression, extreme jealousy, lack of trust (which she rightfully has now, but she's never, ever trusted me) and other things. How do I get back to being the guy who just makes her life easier, not stands here running out of ideas on how to help her...

 

Thank you everyone for responding. It truly means a lot. I have two best friends who have never had serious girlfriends and have never known anyone with her type of issues, so I have no one to speak to. My mom just says to dump her, my dad says to date behind her back so she has "competition" and my sister and brother hate her for when she dumped me for my best friend (who is no longer a friend). I want some positive suggestions, not ones saying, "Dump her" or anything, I only want to go to that if I don't feel love anymore, if I don't feel I have the ability to make her smile every day...

 

Sorry, I know these posts have been really weird, I'm just real upset about all this, and it's all hit me in like one night... Again, sorry and sorry the posts are so long...

[Madeamistake]

Thanks everyone for the advice. Sorry my initial post was pretty... confusing. I was very upset and was having a hard time putting things into words. I realize I have my own issues to tend to, and I am trying my best to resolve them... Every time I am with her, they go away, I "suck it up" and be strong for her. The one time I had a hard day around her, it wasn't good, she couldn't handle it. I'm trying to be strong for her...

 

To the first response, I never asked for understanding about my cheating, or sympathy. I know what I did, I know that I'm responsible. People make mistakes, sometimes, those mistakes could have been avoided but we're stupid enough to follow through with them anyway (such as cheating).

 

I've come to realize that I need to let the thing with my friend "go". It was awhile ago, and now that I have made a mistake, I understand hers better. Does that make either of us "okay" and "right"? Nope. But these things have happened, that's the point. All of this crap has occurred. I don't need to know what a mess-up I am because of it, trust me, I already know that.

 

I guess this is more of a "help me save my girl" type of post. I must be honest, I'm just very edgy and confused, hence why my posts are probably making little to no sense.

 

We did take a break awhile ago for about a week. She hated it, and hated me being okay with it. It just made her more confused and frustrated, so I don't want to do that to her again.

 

I don't need "advice" on what to do with myself I don't think, it's very simply, I need to stop the bad things. They're stopped. I won't cheat ever again, on her, or anyone, never. And believe it or not, I DO adore this girl, I love her with everything I've got, but obviously, lately that has not been true.

 

When me and her are together, you'd think we're the happiest two kids on earth. We kiss constantly, we cuddle, we ALWAYS hold hands, and it's been over two years, and all that is still going on. But things aren't perfect. I wish I could explain why I cheated, I can't. I guess a part of me went with, "You're young, go for it" thing and that was a great idea (not!), then I started saying to myself, "It's because of the thing with my friend, maybe", nope. There's no reason, and to be 110% honest, I did not even enjoy any of the times I cheated, not at all, in fact, to be honest, DURING it, I was regretting it. Does that make it right, or not as bad? Hell no. I'm just trying to show how in a way, it can "just happen". I knew what I was doing, I could have backed away, and I wanted to, but I didn't. It was a lapse in judgment...

 

In the end, all I want is to learn from these mistakes and move on to her. I NEED to get back to good with her. I need her to smile every day... I need to see her face, I need to be that romantic she fell in love with. I still write her songs, poetry, buy her things, etc, all the time, but it's not enough. I need help on what to do as a boyfriend, and don't say, "Don't cheat, jerk!" because I'm clearly figured that part out.

 

Like I said, I guess this is more of a "help my lost relationship" post than anything. I no longer hang out or see the people I regrettably got involved with and am happy with that decision. I know that I have "issues", and like I said, for this whole relationship, I've been working on myself too, but she's far more important.

 

Everyone will say it's not my job to "save her", but it is. I'd die for her, and I mean that. On our first date when I accidentally saw her deeply scarred wrists, I knew I had a fair amount of work ahead, and I stuck around, maybe that was a mistake, maybe not, all I know is this girl, she is my life. This girl is so beautiful, physically, mentally, emotionally, that I cannot stand here and say, "Eh, I messed up, time for a break." or "We should break up". I need to stand up to her and be like I used to, the "best boyfriend". Not because it boosts my ego or something, but because it makes her happy. You have no clue what it's like to see her smile. When I see her smile, I feel like I've conquered the world.

 

How can I mend this once perfect relationship? How can I handle her and her depression, extreme jealousy, lack of trust (which she rightfully has now, but she's never, ever trusted me) and other things. How do I get back to being the guy who just makes her life easier, not stands here running out of ideas on how to help her...

 

Thank you everyone for responding. It truly means a lot. I have two best friends who have never had serious girlfriends and have never known anyone with her type of issues, so I have no one to speak to. My mom just says to dump her, my dad says to date behind her back so she has "competition" and my sister and brother hate her for when she dumped me for my best friend (who is no longer a friend). I want some positive suggestions, not ones saying, "Dump her" or anything, I only want to go to that if I don't feel love anymore, if I don't feel I have the ability to make her smile every day...

 

Sorry, I know these posts have been really weird, I'm just real upset about all this, and it's all hit me in like one night... Again, sorry and sorry the posts are so long...

 

Hey bro!

 

Im 23 and all I can say is, there is too much to life instead of getting attached to this one girl - if its not working, it is best to let it go. If it is meant to be it will be. Only God knows what he has planned for us ahead.

 

I have noticed one thing that is quite alarming in your post. You seem to emphasize the need to make her smile and be fully happy again but, I would like to aks you if she does the same - I mean puts in an equal amount of effort to make you happy as well?

 

You might be dealing with one of those emotionally draining human beings and will not see it until you take a serious break from all this (A few weeks or even months).

 

Good luck!