question for RMD

[scubafish]

I remember seeing Romeo Must Die talk abut how long she was separated before H came back, but there are too many threads to go back through looking.

so, if you read this, did he actually move in with OW, or what happened? if you don't mind me asking.

 

I am still waiting for mine to move out, he says he is looking for a place, and admits he is looking for a large enough place to move in with the OW and her kids. I am feeling like this is the end.

[Joe's search]

i am sort of in the same boat. i am waiting for an answer as well. i sent her the mls of the house to see if it was something she would like too so whenever she is ready she will tell me - moving day is the 16th - i am so excited. its a new start for me and hopefully her too. brand new place with no ghosts - perfect.

[Romeo Must Die]

March 2003 - Romeo's affair began shortly after my teen sons death in an auto accident. I was five months pregnant when it happened. Like you, I knew nothing about infidelity. Losing a son and having a baby gave him perfect cover as I was trying to pull it together just to survive.

 

I got my first warning when Romeo insisted OW babysit for our children when the baby was born four months later in July 2003. I did not even know her, much less feel comfortable with a stranger watching my babies.

 

December 2003 - He was buying Christmas presents for OW's children (I stupidly paid for them questioning why we were doing this) It was my second warning. He also bought OW a leather Harley Davidson coat without my knowledge. I got nothing for Christmas. I paid for our childrens gifts. I wouldn't find out about the coat until a year later.

 

Within months we would argue over his friend and his strange behavior escalated as the affair progressed.

 

April 2004 - D-Day. I found him Easter Sunday parked in the alley, butt up behind her garage so his truck wouldnt be seen from the street. I flattened all four tires and left him stranded there. He swore the affair was over but I found evidence to proove otherwise. I moved out and seperated from Romeo within a month. I bought a small cottage house and my own car. Romeo has open visitation and is over at my place daily. I chose not to date and continue having sexual realtions with Romeo, not knowing his affair is still ongoing.

 

November 2004 - I filed for divorce when our marital problems (read: his affair) escalated beyond my ability to deal or cope. There was no point in putting off the inevitable.

 

December 2004 - He spent Christmas Eve with the OW and Christmas Day with me pretending to be alone and sad & wanting to be with his family. He bought OW an Olympus digital camera, whiskey and roses. I got nothing for christmas (from him) and neither did our own children.

 

January 2005 - I find out that he is still with OW and bringing our children over to her home on the sly. The children confess every detail claiming they were told not to tell or I would be angry at them. A belated Christmas present from my daughter was a photo album of Romeo and OW together, stolen from his gunsafe.

 

They mostly stayed at her house (to be covert) although she did stay overnight at the marital home often. Over the course of reconcilliation to follow, I would later find the camera, womens clothes, a dildo and other personal belongings of the OW. She'd been in my bed, she threw out my belongings that remained and redecorated with things my husband wouldnt buy. Plants. Candles. New flowery like dishes. Etc.

 

March 2005 - Divorce is final but we attempt reconcilliation. OW goes ballistic and starts writing the tell-all letters to break us up, and all the things he had said to justify his affair. She also wrote to human services to try and get my kids taken away for spite. She also writes the village hall to have me fined over an ordinance violation. The OW pulls no stops, including following me in her car. I feel he can do nothing to protect us from this person. We fight and break up, he returned to OW.

 

July 2005 - We try to reconcille again, this time our deceaced sons memorial is vandalized "RMD WILL NEVER SEE HER SON FOR ALL THE SINS SHE HAS DONE" and on the picnic tables it says "RMD GO AWAY" this happens on two seperate occasions and she is never charged for the crime, only reported as a suspect. There are no witnesses. The mirror on truck #1 is smashed, rifle bullets are put in the gas tank. We again fight and break up, Romeo returns to OW.

 

August 2005 - We attempt to reconcille once more, but truck #2 is smashed up while parked overnight at his place of employment, broken windshield and passenger windows, mirrors and headlamps. The sugar in the gas tank leads to discovery of crystalized sugar in the fuel filter and rifle rounds in the gas tank of truck #1. Nothing is done to persue OW for the crime(s) and RMD throws in the towel once more and Romeo returns to OW. He and OW are engaged to be married under her terms.

 

September 2005 - I went to court to file a R.O. against OW to keep her away from my children, bringing to court her letters and photographic evidence of the vandalisms and the police reports. My new car is smashed in the grill, dents in the hood and side. My baby girl was brought back to me after visitation with her t-shirt on as a dress.

 

October 2005 - During my ongoing investigation, I find she has been under investigation for child abuse. Romeo knew very little about it until I get the police report and put it in his hands. He signs the post divorce stipulation while I still had control, to keep OW away from children during times of his vistation. Within two weeks we were back together and have been ever since.

 

If I can give you any advice at all is to be strong, even when you dont feel strong. To stand your ground, even when the earth is pulled out from underneath you. And never, ever underestimate the persuasion over your husband from the other woman (find out who and what she is) and never, ever take any crap from anyone, even from your own husband. Remember that you know him better than he knows himself. Better than she knows him.

 

Dont expect the truth at face value, and dont accept the lies. If something feels off it probably is a lot more than what you believe or have been led to believe it was.

 

Get therapy and find out what has broken down so that you can fix it. Get control back over your head and your heart. Dont expect WS to do all the repairs. He cant. He has issues he cannot even begin to face. The affair is a big warning he is in trouble. This may seem like the only way out for him to avoid confrentation.

 

Please read my thread about passive aggressive behavior. Just the slightest trait of a P.A. can evolve into a behavioral disorder and it will lead to discovery through therapy and help. He learned it as a kid growing up, but it can be unlearned. Its all about free will. We can change and become better people through the worst adversity in life.

 

It is my belief that this is a common denominator in many affairs, even the most quiet spouse can be PA. An affair is an aggressive (angry) way of dealing with marital problems in a passive way without conflict. Find out where the "angry" is coming from in your WS. Truth and knowledge are your power. You have the history and the love that was always there to back it up. Know that you are not alone, that this happens to us everyday and there are alot of good people here who will help you along the way.

 

Peace

 

[whichwayisup]

I am still waiting for mine to move out, he says he is looking for a place, and admits he is looking for a large enough place to move in with the OW and her kids. I am feeling like this is the end.

 

That's awful. He's living with you, and house hunting so he then can go off with the OW and her kids?

 

I'd kick him out NOW and tell him he can go stay with the OW or with someone in his family...

 

I am sorry you're going through this.

[scubafish]

thank you-

RMD, I am sorry about your loss, I cannot even begin to imagine what it was like. I don't know if I could have dealt.

 

well , this morning he did say that he thinks he has a place to rent right away. I only see him a few mins in morning, and maybe 1 hour at night right now. he has no family he can stay with here. and the house is part his, so I can't just throw him out, I don't want any resentment to mar this right now. he knows I am hurting, and is trying to stay out of my way. I hope he will be out in next day or so.

part of me hopes that once he starts actually living day to day with her, he will 'come to his senses'. I know I have to let go, but I am stubborn, and can't seem to accept it yet. and if it was a shorter relationship, I would have quit long ago. but 18 great years makes you hold alot of hope and forgiveness.

 

RMD that was a long time dealing- with a psycho no less!

 

at least , there have been no violent issues here. I just remember you mentioning that (I love you, but not in-love with you) talk, which is what I've been getting. we do not have kids together, so there is no real reason for limited contact. (well, 2 geriatric dogs, which I get because she has 8 cats) although we have 18 years worth of accumulated stuff, it will take a while to go through moving.

 

When he was here and trying to be nice to me, he would talk alot about her, mainly because he was trying to figure out what direction he was going, and after 18yrs, we have always communicated well. (also, I pried, knowing it was better to learn about her)

'Know thy enemy'. isn't that from some book?

she is very mushy, and has written him long letters, talking about their hearts beating as one, they are meant to be together, and how much he means to her. heck, if someone wrote that to me, I'd be in-love too!

 

how can I compete with that now. months ago, he said that he thought we had quit growing and learning things together, and that is what caused the loss. he agreed that we would nurture that though, in the future. but he ended up going out and choosing to do things with her.

 

we had so many plans for future. he is willing to give up the new house, his 'dream' garage, his chance to have his own business, (that was part of our future, he is unhappy at job, and we had plans for his own business, with me supporting for a while), all for this woman he will have to stay at his dead end job to support. (OK, I am bitter still)

 

I need to go read the PA stuff again, the first time I read through, I didn't see him in any of that. HE has never picked fights, actually, we never 'fought' about anything. during some of our discussions though, he admitted being with her was an escape. he did not have to think about his sick mother, (that we planned on moving her in with us), work problems, or the other problems we had with some business deals.

 

I felt better over last few days, but today is bad, (I physically hurt)actually hearing him talk about living with her. maybe I should get medicated for a while.

[Romeo Must Die]

LOL, he will grow and learn all righty. With the cat lady and all her kids too. I bet they will start calling him Dad. I would just sit back and let it all happen naturally, honey. Its bound to get really interesting. I'd give it a month before he is back banging on the door for mercy. I am so serious. Let him take the knocks for himself. Dont shelter him or give him any heads up. Let him groooow with the experience!

 

The passive aggressive is not about direct anger from a WS, but rather an indirect anger. The one who demonstrates the frustration and anger is the BW. Its really hard not to react to this kind of hurt. ILYBINILWY. Just remember this is not your fault, and no matter what you say or do, to try to make him stay isn't going to do any good. It has to be free will.

 

You know him well enough though and you also know he has grown accustomed to comfort despite his best efforts to run away from it, he will just be running right back into it. We are all creatures of habit and WS are the most predictable of them all. The kids are going to drive him batty. Try the wait and see approach. Just remove the doormat from your heart and put it back by the front door. Well be laughing about this later and I promise you will have the last laugh.

 

[Romeo Must Die]

Do you have friends that can stay with you to keep your spirits up? Just try to look at this as temporary, a must do to save the marriage. He has been with you for 18 years, he isnt going to change his whole life so easily for a flighty poetry writer with cats and bratty kids that arent even his. Has he even met their real dad yet. That should be interesting.

 

I was with Romeo for sixteen years. That is half my life. No common woman from town is going to take what we have away from me so easily. Does it make any sense (for Romeo) to divorce his wife and kids for a divorcee, single mother with kids that arent his own? No. It doesnt make any sense at all. The trick is to give them what they want, just enough so that they think they have it all going for themselves and let them blow it. Just give him enough rope to hang himself and he will come back scratching at your door.

 

[lovernotafighter]

I love the way you write RMD. very well put.

[scubafish]

yes, but it is harder right now to be with friends, it is too much of an effort to try to keep up conversation. plus they only talk about how bad he is, and that I should just write him off. I know it sounds logical, but I cannot help still feeling that I would still take him back.

 

for some reason, mornings are the hardest, even though I am working, I cannot concentrate. I think I start to dwell on what I am missing, and the day looks so long and lonely. evenings are better, I can go do things and get away. I am looking forward to actually doing things for myself, like taking a painting class, that I have been putting off, because I was so intent on being home for him.

 

yes, I know all about what he doesn't like about her, but obviously, he thinks he can override all of it. SHe has 2 kids with 2 different dads. I heard that the older one splits time with dad, and is easy. the 4yr old has a deadbeat dad, but still sees him some weekeknds. He has caused alot of grief though, because he is jealous, and still wants her back, and has issues with another guy playing 'dad'. oh yes, that sounds like a blast.

 

she has him convinced that love is everything. if you are with someone you love, all the rest does not matter. that you could be living in a cardboard box, but if you are with the 'the one', you would still be happy.

Maybe I am being jaded, because I am not 'in-love', but that wouldn't last very long for me. maybe when I was a teenager- but now that I am older, I think/realize that love only goes so far. maybe I would feel different if I was totally infatuated with someone right now though.

 

I know this is the best right now. if we do work it out, this can only enhance our future relationship, as long as we learn from it, and do not hold anger. I can't say that to friends and family, they all think I am stupid for still wanting him.

 

maybe he will stay with her. if he is truly happy with her issues, and kids, and cats. he will find out now. I need someone who is happy with me. I am sure there is someone out there I can be happy with, I just hate thinking about the search! right now, it is hard to imagine being with a stranger, I crave that comfort level you get after spending all those years together.

 

I know I will get better as the weeks go by. only time will tell if he really has moved on.

[lover's rock]

[FONT=Verdana][sIZE=5][sIZE=2]Good Morning by India Arie

 

Good morning silence

Good morning to myself

 

Good morning to the pain in the center of my chest

 

It's crazy how much I miss

a simple good morning kiss

oh ohhhhh...

 

Good morning independence or is it loneliness?

I know I said I wanted this but I have regrets

 

I pray for God's will to be done

The very next day you were gone

Oh Ohhhhhh

 

Good morning to the harsh realities of life

and good morning to the fact we're not husband and wife

 

We made a promise to stay

But destiny got in the way

oh ohhhhhhhh

 

Good morning...

 

Good morning acceptance

Good morning inner strength

I'm loving every moment

even the strain

 

It's crazy how much I miss

a simple good morning kiss

It's crazy how much I've missed

Now it's time for me to live

oh ohhhhhhhhhh

 

Good morning...

 

Good morning optimism

Good morning to my faith

Good morning to the beginning of a brand new day

 

I know that God's will be done

So I lay down my pain and I'm moving on

 

I know that God's will be done.

So it's a good morning after all[/sIZE][/sIZE][/FONT]

[scubafish]

thank you, good song.

Today was a good day for me----