stace79 Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 Okay this could be long. I'll do my best. Met MR almost a year ago. Wasn't sure at first if we'd hit it off romantically, but there was chemistry there. He had an ex he still had feelings for, this was made clear to me. However, we kept growing closer and closer, eventually started to make out and do over the clothes physical stuff, but no sex. I would stay the night with him, I met his family out of town, and he met mine. He came to stay at our beach condo for two days with the family. He saw the ex again last july, and she still didn't want a commitment, so he and I started to get more serious, became intimate together in August. September she found out about me, begged to see him again, yada yada. He let her come visit him in September, but decided his feelings were strong for me and he wanted to date me exclusively. (Yes, we got the intimacy and exclusivity backward). Dated exclusively through Christmas/New Year's week. She found out about a really romantic evening he gave me for my birthday by stalking my Myspace profile (not intimate, just very personal and sweet). She emailed and said she couldnt talk to him anymore, which freaked him out and he told me he was sorry, he still had some feelings for her, and he needed a break from dating exclusively. I was very upset and revealed to him that I'm in love with him. He still felt a break was in his best interest, so I granted him that, and we haven't spoken or seen each other much at all (maybe once or twice over the month). Fast forward to now, and today he told me he has decided to just be single and not date anyone for awhile. I was upset, and of course we talked for like two hours about this decision. I told him while I believe he cares about me, it is easier to comprehend that he does not care for me...it's too hard to think about not being with him if he cares for me like he says. I ask if there is anything i can do to change his mind. He says that yes, to be his friend and if we are meant to be together we will end up together. He says 'We need to start over from the roots as friends." I say that is too hard given my feelings. Then he says he wants to be totally honest with me and tell me something. I say okay, then he waits like five minutes before saying "I love you." He says he will go out of his way to be my friend and keep me in his life, and that he doesn't want to lose me. He hopes I will reciprocate. I guess my concerns are: 1. How do I be a friend to someone I love, and someone who said he loves me? 2. Why would he say he loves me but then want us to start over as friends? 3. If I decide to try and be his friend, how do I keep from just "waiting" and hoping that he will change his mind? I don't want to lose him from my life either, but I also don't want to miss out on opportunities because I am holding out for him. Any insights would be greatly appreciated. I'm crushed and anxious and sad. Link to post Share on other sites
tine_23 Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 I'm sorry you have to go throught this... I'm kind of in the same situation... I was seeing this guy for a while....we were not in love yet but I really liked him... and then we had "THE TALK!" about where our relationship was going... and he said he wanted to be single for still a while so we ended our dating thing... I wanted him for myself... I couldn't bare seeing him flirting with girls anymore... he said he would like it if we could still be friends and hang out togheter just the two of us sometimes...so we tried it...but he kept acting like when we were together... and then I heard by a friend he had a date that same week and anyway... I couldn't handle it so I told him I wouldn't talk to him anymore... and wouldn't look or smile either... it was better for me... I'm telling you all of this because I don't think that when two people love or even like each other... or if it's just one of them... and that they can't be together for X reason... it's better to do nc... I know I could not handle it!... I couldn't be like hey man! when all I wanna do is kiss him... and I couldn't bare watch him walk away without giving me a kiss... it would be too hard... so I erased all of him in my life... This is my opinion... maybe you're strong enough to handle this situation... why exactly does he want to be single? is he all mixed up in his feelings? tine Link to post Share on other sites
Raleuse Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 I just don't understand guys sometimes - most of the time! Why would he want to stay friends if he loves you and you love him too? It makes no sense. It would if you went too fast and did not take the time to build this relationship but from your post, it isn't the case. And for a guy to decided to go platonic with someone he loves (and therefore finds attractive) The only thing I can think of is that he's very confused about his feelings. but why say the L word (which most guys won't utter even under torture) if he's not sure? I'm not helping am I? I think you need to let him know what you've told us (how hard it would be for you but how you don't want to lose him either) and ask him why/how he can be in love but want to be friends only. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stace79 Posted February 2, 2007 Author Share Posted February 2, 2007 The biggest thing is that he still also has feelings of love toward his ex-girlfriend. He says that everything in his head tells him I am the one he should be with, but if he cannot give me 100% of his heart that it would be wrong of him. Also, he says he is not ready to completely stop talking to his ex, and that would also be unfair. In an update, I got some really awful news yesterday afternoon about my health (no, I'm not dying but it was pretty disturbing), so of course he was the first person I called. He told me to come over, which since he is honestly my best friend, I wanted to...he just walked around the lake with me and gave me lots of hugs and reminded me that everything would be okay. We got some sandwiches and watched a funny DVD together...no funny stuff, just hugs once in awhile. I was pretty out of it from being so upset..and said "I love you." He said it back. I was actually going to leave to go home for the night, but when I started driving I was just so upset and tired I couldn't see through my crying so I called him and he told me to come back and stay the night. We were doing well, just watching another movie and getting ready to go to sleep, but every time I started to cry a little, he would grab me and pull me so close and one time I just couldn't handle it so I kissed him, and he kept kissing me back. We didn't have sex but it was still pretty passionate. He cuddled with me all night and this morning when I had to leave for work he didn't want me to go, he called to make sure I got to my house okay and all that. While I love him, and I know it would probably be impossible to be friends and I agree with a lot of what everyone says, I just don't know that I can cut him out of my life yet. I have so many other tumultuous things going on, I need my best friend. My other friend keeps saying that I should do what I feel is right at the time, and that eventually we will either end up together or he will hurt me enough that I finally have the strength to walk away. And that in the mean time I should just go with the flow, realize that these are powerful emotions I'm dealing with and not beat myself up over it. Link to post Share on other sites
JCD Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 The problem is that he still has feelings for his ex and I think that you were most likely just a rebound. Someone he could spend time with and open up to with his problems. My guess is that he likes you as a friend and doesn't have romantic feelings for you. He might kiss you to try to convince himself that he's falling in love with you but down deep he knows he loves his ex. You need to tell him to be honest with you how he feels about you because you don't want him to settle for you. It wouldn't be fair to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Can of Pencils Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 Guy's reply: He might just be keeping you on the back burner. Like a security blanket. He still has feelings for his ex, and if he's not willing to be with you in spite of them, his feelings for her are probably stronger than the feelings for you. If he wanted to be with you enough he would be. I love you can mean a lot of things. Varying degrees and all that. What you mean when you say it might be different than what he means when he says it. How do you keep from waiting? You don't. So long as you like this guy and you're friends with him, that's what you'll be doing. You might date some other guy here or there, but you will compare new guy to this guy. And its hard for new guy to win that fight. So there's a good chance that as long as you keep messing with this boy you're going to be waiting around for him (which he ISN'T doing for you). I'd say cut him out. He knows how you feel, so let him know you don't want to be just friends. (although you read my thread, so I guess it looks like I'm just telling you to do what I'm already doing to a girl). But really its better that way. I've spent way too much time being friends with girls I was really into that I personally just refuse to do it anymore. If I'm not attracted and I do, honestly just want to be friends, that's fine. But if I'm attracted its either things are happening or they aren't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stace79 Posted February 5, 2007 Author Share Posted February 5, 2007 I know you are probably right. Even last night, I said to myself on the way home that I need to e-mail him today and tell him I just can't do it, and not to call me or anything, and if/when I can be his friend I will contact him. I just haven't been able to make myself do it. I have this empty feeling when I think I cannot call him or see him anymore, like I won't ever find anyone I love like I love him. I have actually talked to a professional counselor about my feelings, and the more I go through it, the more I believe this is actually true love, not just me feeling desperate (I was worried about that for a short time). I questioned his statement of love for me, too...I thought like you brought up that he maybe just loved me as a friend, or like a sister. He said no...he loves me on many levels, and not just as a friend. However, you are right...the less than a year's worth of feelings he has for me cannot compete with what he felt for a girl he's known for five years (they were together off and on for four years). I want to make the right decision here...I just get so weak...I hate thinking about a weekend alone without seeing him or a week where I can't call him after work or send him an IM to break up my day. It just sucks. Guy's reply: He might just be keeping you on the back burner. Like a security blanket. He still has feelings for his ex, and if he's not willing to be with you in spite of them, his feelings for her are probably stronger than the feelings for you. If he wanted to be with you enough he would be. I love you can mean a lot of things. Varying degrees and all that. What you mean when you say it might be different than what he means when he says it. How do you keep from waiting? You don't. So long as you like this guy and you're friends with him, that's what you'll be doing. You might date some other guy here or there, but you will compare new guy to this guy. And its hard for new guy to win that fight. So there's a good chance that as long as you keep messing with this boy you're going to be waiting around for him (which he ISN'T doing for you). I'd say cut him out. He knows how you feel, so let him know you don't want to be just friends. (although you read my thread, so I guess it looks like I'm just telling you to do what I'm already doing to a girl). But really its better that way. I've spent way too much time being friends with girls I was really into that I personally just refuse to do it anymore. If I'm not attracted and I do, honestly just want to be friends, that's fine. But if I'm attracted its either things are happening or they aren't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stace79 Posted February 5, 2007 Author Share Posted February 5, 2007 Wow...I am panicking here. Against my gut instinct, I just sent an e-mail to him telling him that I love him and I'm always here for him if he really needs me, but that I can't see him or talk to him anymore. I'm truly freaking out. Part of me hopes he will wake up and call me and tell me what an idiot he's been and ask me to take him back. But I know that's the movie ending and this is definitely no movie. Any words of encouragement? Link to post Share on other sites
tine_23 Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 Hey stace! hang on gurl! I've been doing NC with my ex for a week and a half now...and I didn't think I could... fix goals for yourself...like...if you last a week... you can have that expensive sweater you say at the shopping center...and little things like that...it might sound stupid...but that's how I keep not talking to him... and I guess he didn't think I would last that long cuz he tried to make me talk to him this morning... I was talking to his friend and I said I wanted the BEARS to win the Superbowl and me ex said...yeah right like you really watched it... didn't talk to him...kept looking at his friend... I guess he thought that by provocating me I would react and talk to him... I'M STRONG! And you are too! I promise you will feel better...and if he really wants to be with you...he will realize it...it may take time...it may be long...but if he does...he will come back... just don't miss on all the wonderfull things that could happen in your life... don't wait...!!! Hang on!!! tine Link to post Share on other sites
ponderingfar Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 Hi, I feel for you, I am probably a couple of years your senior and married, but not to best friend. My BF and I have hung around for more than two years. During the peak of our platonic closeness, everyone was telling me that with his frequent requests for us to be in the same schedule, it is impossible that he didn't have anything goin for me. We were together practically all the time until he went to an out of town convention when I met my husband. He never told me directly and I have always had doubts he would like me romantically but can guys spend this much time with a girl whom they only want to be friends with? Am I right in saying that oftentimes it is the girl who's the first to have romantic feelings for the best friend? We never talked about what happened those two years that we were together. Now I have two kids and he posts me the question "would you leave your husband if someone comes along who loves you and your children?" He has always been like this, we talk about anything under the sun except us. Sometimes I fele that it is an aspect of my life which needs closure. Link to post Share on other sites
ponderingfar Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 by the way, should I still try to uncover the unknown? or just leave everything to my imagination? this really bothers me coz I want to know if he ever felt the same way for me. By the way, he is close to a number of female friens and i never really gauged if I am the closest to him. Maybe what he is after is really just the friendship, that is why I feel so stupid for having fallen Link to post Share on other sites
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