TPol Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 I've been with my boyfriend for almost 11 months now. We started slow, but gradually deveoped feelings for each other and moved to the next level. My problem is that he needs constant reassurance of being cared for and feeling loved, which is fine, I can do that. But it seems nothing I do is enough. I tend to be less of a word's person, more for action and subtle caring, however for him I've gone the extra mile and made quite an effort. But still he doesn't feel as much loved. I know that one of his problems is his over-caring ex-girlfriend who showered him with love. He keeps telling me that he wants that. I have to remind him that there is a reason it's over, after all he fell out of love and she left him for another man after not feeling enough love herself. And he knows that she loved him that way because she had confidence issues and was needy. And he still remembers how bitter he was after she started feeling the same way for another guy right after him. He keeps saying how could you just switch like that? But I think why hang on to it? Why idealize it? Why not completely move on? So, how do I approach this? It's hurtful that he doesn't accept me the way I am, it's hurtful that the his ex is still overshadowing our relationship 2 years after their breakup. It's hurtful that he doesn't want to create something different and special with me. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 this is not what i would describe as high maintenance... it sounds as if he is very insecure and needy! shiver.... Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 You seem to be more relationship healthy than he is so he won't make sense to you. You have identified that his primary love language is words of affirmation and feel that you have worked hard to reassure him of your love by speaking to him in that language. Job well done in my opinion. His insecurity will not allow him to feel that what you are doing is enough. What would be enough? Who knows. Maybe time, maybe truly letting go of the past relationship, maybe realizing that you were always doing enough after he has run you off with his insecurities. I wish you well, but this a high hurdle to jump and unless he gets over this himself, you may get tired of jumping over time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TPol Posted February 1, 2007 Author Share Posted February 1, 2007 I wish you well, but this a high hurdle to jump and unless he gets over this himself, you may get tired of jumping over time. This is exactly what I'm afraid of. There is only so much I'm willing to do, to change myself for him. After a certain point it gets tedious. I think more than neediness it's his high (and unrealistic) expectations that is the problem. He has a set and idealized idea of how loving should be (aka his ex's way) and anything outside of that doesn't seem satisfactory to him. This is the hurtful part of it. I want him to accept me the way I am, not to change me in to the way he wants (or wished) me to be. I'm willing to make adjustments and compromises, but I don't want to change my identity beyond recognition. I liked myself before meeting him, thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 This is exactly what I'm afraid of. There is only so much I'm willing to do, to change myself for him. After a certain point it gets tedious. I think more than neediness it's his high (and unrealistic) expectations that is the problem. He has a set and idealized idea of how loving should be (aka his ex's way) and anything outside of that doesn't seem satisfactory to him. This is the hurtful part of it. I want him to accept me the way I am, not to change me in to the way he wants (or wished) me to be. I'm willing to make adjustments and compromises, but I don't want to change my identity beyond recognition. I liked myself before meeting him, thank you! Tedious and exhausting! You didn't sign up for an Olympic event, you signed up for a relationship. Unfortunately this relationship may require an athlete . You are reinforcing my belief that you are healthier than he is. There are limits to how much one can change. Comparison to an ex is something most of us do at one time or another, but it's sure a lot nicer when in comparison we shine, isn't it? Keep acknowledging that there is nothing wrong with you, this is about him. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 if you go along with this - you will be in for a VERY long and disappointing life with him. i lived it for 23 years... as much as his life was PERFECT - he was still never satisfied and nothing was good enough! for example... we had been married for 20 years... we had: sex every day _ great sex... not average sex. wonderful kids. amazing friends - especially our very best friends - who we traveled with to other countries and states. i am an amazing cook. i never shop - he loved to do that for the entire family. i am a gourmet cook. we lived in a house that was worth 1.6 million dollars. he golfed about 3-4 times a week. i helped him with his business accomplishments every day so it made him look amazing. we had many interests and activities that we enjoyed together. he STILL was not satisfied... and needed more to be happy - so he cheated... i felt that i didn't deserve it and i left him... be careful what you may be getting into! Link to post Share on other sites
Author TPol Posted February 1, 2007 Author Share Posted February 1, 2007 Sorry to hear that, 2sunny. Yes, I'd be worried of the long-term as well. I'm willing to give it a go for a bit longer. But if he doesn't manage to accept me the way I am and be happy with what I have to offer, I think it would be in my best interest to let it go. It's funny how hard it is for some people to see that there so many ways to love someone. Personally, I get tired of hearing compliments and lovey-dovey stuff 24/7! Why not leave something to imagination? Why not let love evolve? What's the rush for wanting it all and wanting it now? Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 To the OP, I was once in your shoes. I was married to a man like this. He was very insecure, clingy, always needed reassureance about my love and faith and trust in the relationship. And while I didn't mind the first few years, after awhile it got really old and tiresome. Theres not but so much you can do, the rest is up to them. Believe me, you will exhaust yourself no doubt. I totally agree with what 2sunny and dropdeadlegs have said though. Not to hijack this thread, I'll probably make a thread my self in reguarding this. I have often wondered about people who are insecure, clingy and nothign ever being good enough for them if most people like this will cheat? Because as what 2sunny said about her marriage, is pretty much what happened with mine as well. Nothing was ever good enough for him and he eventually cheated, I guess to fill that empty void he could never fill himself. Link to post Share on other sites
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