44-year old male who's never had a date?

[alterego1234]

OK, I'm no expert, but here are two thoughts for you:

 

1. This is a bit philosophical or theoretical, but your entire thread it seems like you're trying to "get": you're trying to get a date, or a coffee, or a girlfriend. For example, your coffee pickup line you use basically is asking the woman to fill up your empty time slot. Think about it from a random woman's point of view...why should she do a total stranger a favor? Try changing your line to "Can I buy you a cup of coffee?" It's not just the words you use specifically; you have to have something to offer to her - interesting conversation, a free cup of coffee, whatever. I think overall if you worked on yourself on being someone who likes yourself, you would find the women being naturally attracted to that.

 

2. When people turn you down for social interaction, you might try saying something like, "Hey listen, I understand that you've said no, and I'm OK with that, but can you help me out by telling me, honestly, why not?" Maybe you can get some feedback that way. You may come across a little weird by doing this, but if you've already lost the battle with that person it's not like you've got anything further to lose.

 

ae

[Green]

wow 15,000$ in credit card debt... First off pay that off man as soon as posible... Move to a cheaper apartment or get a room mate if you need to cut the rent in half.... Im guessing that the night school is college stuf??? I dont really feel college is that important unless ur dream is to become something that requires a degree. The night school should help you meet women... Look man take my advice make that friend

[wergo]

Im guessing that the night school is college stuf???

 

No. The goal is to meet women. The odds are already wildly stacked against me that any random dozen or so people who have paid $400 or so to sit in a room together will contain even one available single female close to my own age without hurting my chances by specifying anything academic. I usually opt for language course, or art classes, or cooking - anything that might have someone else there that wants to be social.

 

Look man take my advice make that friend

 

So, how do I start? Instead of just going home after work and spending the night in solitary confinement, or heading off to the bars or nightclubs to annoy women who wish I'd just leave them the hell alone for once, what one thing should I do instead to try and make a friend?

[Green]

STEP ONE

Be loquacious, gregarious, chatty, talkative, friendly, outgoing, amiable, congenial, neighborly, sociable, approachable, easygoing and otherwise chummy.

 

STEP TWO

Introduce yourself

 

STEP THREE

Show up early & stay late

 

STEP FOUR

 

Attend parties, sports events and special gatherings where people socialize.

 

STEP FIVE

Remain open to new cultures, ideas and values.

 

STEP SIX

 

Invite people to join you for a bite to eat and a drink.

 

STEP SEVEN

Offer to give people a ride somewhere.

 

STEP EIGHT

 

Study in groups.

 

STEP NINE

 

Reach out to others when they need help.

 

STEP TEN

 

Join a office group or sports team.

 

STEP ELEVEN

Throw a party.

 

 

TIPS/WARNINGS

-Give people a second chance if they make a bad first impression.

 

-Let people open up to you slowly. Make sure you are not forcing yourself upon someone.

[Phateless]

Craigslist has a section called activity partners. Meet some groups of people to go for hikes, cruise museums, whatever it is you like to do, find groups of people that also like to do these things. Concerts are a great place to meet women!

 

I go salsa dancing every week and it's a blast. I take the classes, meet a bunch of people, stick around and dance with them afterward. During lessons you rotate partners every few minutes so it's kinda like speed-dating. I don't come on to the girls at all, just be friendly and meet people. Once you've been going regularly for a while, you'll notice that some girls are interested. Ask them out.

 

In general, you need to have something to contribute. You can't present yourself as a "please go out with me" kind of guy because you're not contributing anything to her, you're a drain on her. You have to have a mindset of "you lucky girl, you get the chance to have a cup of coffee with me ;)" see the difference?

 

You need to do be doing whatever it is that you consider an exciting, fulfilling lifestyle so that you have something to talk about with other people, something they want to be a part of.

 

For the 3rd time, check out that link, because it will help you.

[sderenzi]

Don't feel bad in about 18 more years I'll be in your boat! lol

 

Oh yeah I can tell you also that non'a this advice'll work for us, we're screwed!

[Green]

Man this guy can snap out of his 44 year funk any time he wants to. He tries everything but the stuff that will actualy work. Look if you want to snap out of it, work out and stay in good shape, Activly strive to acomplish financial stability and a way of life you enjoy, and build yourself a social network of friends.

[Phateless]

Man this guy can snap out of his 44 year funk any time he wants to. He tries everything but the stuff that will actualy work. Look if you want to snap out of it, work out and stay in good shape, Activly strive to acomplish financial stability and a way of life you enjoy, and build yourself a social network of friends.

 

It's true. I've overcome some pretty intense funks in my life, so I know it's a choice. He just has to choose to deal with the discomfort of going through it.

[wergo]

Look if you want to snap out of it, work out and stay in good shape, Activly strive to acomplish financial stability and a way of life you enjoy, and build yourself a social network of friends.

 

Well, I'd say I'm already in pretty good shape. I'm not sure that's really a problem. I'm certainly not overweight or have any trouble climbing stairs or doing pushups or situps or anything. I could get myself back in financial shape, but I'm not sure what the motivation would be. I had lots of money in the bank for years, and it didn't help in the slightest. I'd rather have a shot at actually one day having physical contact with a women at some point before I'm too old for it to do me any good than power through the cabin fever of sitting at home alone just so I can save up some cash. Building a social network of friends would be nice, but that seems to be more difficult than getting a date.

 

Craigslist has a section called activity partners.

 

Where on their page is that?

 

Attend parties, sports events and special gatherings where people socialize.

 

I'd love to one day be invited to a party. Or find out where people socialize.

 

You need to do be doing whatever it is that you consider an exciting, fulfilling lifestyle so that you have something to talk about with other people, something they want to be a part of.

 

Well, obviously, my own real interests aren't good enough to lead to social situations, otherwise the problem would have taken care of itself many years ago. Clearly, what I need to do is develop new interests, or at least find out what interests other people have that I can try.

 

I keep hunting through activities and groups on craigslist, but they seem to be almost entirely exclusionary (sexual orientation, religion, race, age, gender...) rather than based on common interests. And the few that are (including dancing lessons), well, that's where I've been getting all the rejection.

[Phateless]

I think the section is under personals, maybe under strictly platonic? I forget, it's somewhere around there. I'd post a link but I'm not allowed to.

 

I'm guessing that you're trying way too hard at the functions you're going to. Just go and hang out. Don't ask women out, just make friends. Over time, your social network and skills will build and it will lead to girls. The new guy who shows up at dancing and is asking girls out left and right totally creeps out everybody.

[Phateless]

Start on the craigslist main page and there's a link called "activities." It's right there. Make sure you're on your own local area in craigslist before you start searching listings. Good luck.

[Green]

As long as your alive its never to late... just look at Hue Hefner... Uve never been invited to a party??? doesnt your offic have parties... or some one at work have a birthday that any one could have gone too? look that doesnt matte. Theres also handi-cap women... some of em are great looking to. Mentaly handicap women get really horny... Dont forget super fat ugly old women... they get horny too. Im not joking around either...

[sunshinegirl]

What kind of volunteer/hobby activities have you tried?

 

I think one key is to choose activities you are genuinely interested in yourself. In other words, don't go work on an organic farm some weekend if you hate dirt under your fingernails. Don't take a cooking class if you don't actually want to learn how to make French pastries. If you have no genuine enthusiasm for the thing itself, people will see right through you and see that you're there to pick them up... and as others have said, that will send off a creepy vibe.

 

For me, friendships have tended to form around genuinely shared interests.

 

Hey, here's an idea: how about you volunteer for the presidential campaign of your choice? It's a good time/season to get into politics...tons of people will be involved, all jazzed up about what they're doing. Could be a great place to meet new people.

[Green]

he's canadien.

[wergo]

Uve never been invited to a party??? doesnt your offic have parties... or some one at work have a birthday that any one could have gone too?

 

No. There's never been any office parties. It's really not much of a TV sitcom-type office; just people sitting in cubicles typing.

 

What kind of volunteer/hobby activities have you tried?

 

Anything I could find, from working at the food bank to working at the Toronto Film Festival. I've done fundraising for local charities and helped out at the animal shelter. Basically whatever doesn't require me during the day or that requires a car.

 

Sometimes there's not a lot to choose from; http://toronto.craigslist.ca/vol/

[Green]

No. There's never been any office parties. It's really not much of a TV sitcom-type office; just people sitting in cubicles typing.

 

Ive worked in a couple of different offices and they all had get togathers around the holidays, and people would some times get togather and go out for drinks after work if it was some ones birthday, and durring the summer people would throw BBQ's...

[sunshinegirl]

he's canadien.

 

Heh heh. Duh. You'd think his mention of Toronto would have tipped me off.

 

Guess I was just excited after the Iowa caucuses last night.

 

But my earlier advice still stands - the key is to find stuff you're genuinely interested in.

 

What do you like to DO? I am sorry but Toronto is a huge city and I just don't believe there's "not a lot to choose from". I sense some defeatism here, and I do sympathize. But I also think that attitude is going to prevent you from making progress more than anything else.

[wergo]

I am sorry but Toronto is a huge city and I just don't believe there's "not a lot to choose from". I sense some defeatism here, and I do sympathize. But I also think that attitude is going to prevent you from making progress more than anything else.

 

In terms of volunteer work, I've found there really isn't a lot to choose from. It's a seller's market, not a buyer's one. There's lots of work to do, frok sitting alone in a room working on spreadsheets to sitting alone in a room counting tickets to working alone on a forklift in the basement of the food bank, moving pallets around. I do meet some people, but it's mostly high school kids or retired people. (Where I work already feels like being in an old age home and going out at night to clubs already makes me feel like a dirty old man) There's just not enough volunteer work out there to provide the luxury of picking and choosing jobs that are also social. They're not there to satisfy my (admittedly benign) ulterior motives; I'm supposed to be there to help them.

 

Ive worked in a couple of different offices and they all had get togathers around the holidays, and people would some times get togather and go out for drinks after work if it was some ones birthday, and durring the summer people would throw BBQ's...

 

It must be great to have a support system already in place like that. When I first started here, we had about 25 or 30 employees (me being the youngest and the only one not married with kids), now we're down to 5 - and they haven't yet hired a single new person to replaces the retirees. I keep hoping that, as the workforce dwindles, they'll eventually amalgamate us with another division, and maybe I can meet some new people, but it hasn't happened yet.

[sunshinegirl]

How about getting a new job?

 

Also, go google "Volunteer Toronto" and navigate to their "Browse by Activity" page. There are dozens of interactive-type things you could do!

 

It seems (to me) that every time someone suggests a new possibility, you reject it. You seem almost intent on being a victim. Convince us otherwise!

[wergo]

How about getting a new job?

 

Also, go google "Volunteer Toronto" and navigate to their "Browse by Activity" page. There are dozens of interactive-type things you could do!

 

I've certainly thought about quitting, possibly even moving, and starting from scratch somewhere else. There's a good chance I might just end up broke and homeless, though. And that's not likely gooing to make me more attractive to women. It's a lot to gamble just in the blind hope that I'll be working at a place that's more social and not less. I've certainly spent enough time trying to get a part-time job somewhere (bookstores, coffee shops, etc.) in hopes of meeting people, but there seems to be enough people applying who don't have a full-time job during the day that they can hire.

 

I've been using Volunteer Toronto and the Centre on Bloor St. for about twenty years now (now most of their stuff is just copied onto craigslist). Some things come up occasionally, but not being available during the day and not owning a car make me ineligable for 90% of the positions offered. (Volunteer work isn't much different from paid part-time work like that). And the positions that are on there (even this week) aren't particularly conducive to socializing.

 

Frankly, after years of trying to exploit work, classes and volunteer positions without success, I'm kind of hoping to try something different. It's demoralizing to constantly be the only person in the room with an ulterior motive while everyone else is just trying to do what they came here to do.

 

Just approaching strangers in art galleries or bars or bookstores may be obnoxious and pathetic, but at least it's honest.

[sunshinegirl]

I've certainly thought about quitting, possibly even moving, and starting from scratch somewhere else. There's a good chance I might just end up broke and homeless, though.

 

Why? Aren't you an accountant or something? How are you going to end up broke and homeless?

 

I'm not talking about blindly quitting your job and blindly groping around for something different. It's called doing research and educating yourself about what your options are. Have some informational interviews with people who work in companies that might have relevant openings. Find out what kind of people work there, what the organizational 'vibe' is, whether people there socialize outside of work.

 

Also, do you have any family? What is their take on things?

[wergo]

Why? Aren't you an accountant or something? How are you going to end up broke and homeless?

 

I've spent more than half my life in a government office - it's amazing how little value that has in the private sector. At least here I have job security and a decent pension plan.

 

I do still continue to put in job calls to try and transfer to other divisions and locations within the department, but none of those have been successful yet. (nobody else is increasing the size of their staff either)

 

Also, do you have any family? What is their take on things?

 

They pretty much just ignore me. There's no fighting or hostility, but I haven't had any contact with them in a long time. My father remarried and moved in the late 80s. I think they still live in Ontario, but I'm not sure where.

 

My mother still lives here, but I haven't heard from her in years. I used to call her occasionally, but that was pretty definitively discouraged. I don't really have any good news to talk about and there's no point in just calling to unload a ball of depression. She's made it clear that, until I'm married with some kids and a house in the suburbs, there really isn't much worth talking about.

[a4a]

Wergo is this the type of conversation (your post) you bring to the table with people you do encounter?

[wergo]

Wergo is this the type of conversation (your post) you bring to the table with people you do encounter?

 

Oh, God, no! I do everything I can to avoid talking about myself. I either stay on neutral territory or try and get them to talk about themselves.

 

This is me being candid because people are asking for background information before they can suggest any new strategies.

[bozwa]

Forgive me if this is offensive, but is it possible the women you are approaching are out of your league? Are you Urkel going for Angelina Jolie? If this is the case, you may want to lower your standards a bit or try and make yourself attractive to the type of people YOU are attracted to.

 

Insight on what I mean: I used to weigh almost 250 lbs but yet I was not attracted to overweight men or men who were way skinny or "dorks" if you will. I liked the good looking men who would never give me the time of day. It was not the SOLE reason I lost weight, but one of the many reasons I lost weight was this. How could I expect someone to accept me for what I looked like because of who I am but I wasn't willing to do the same? We're all shallow to a point, my friend. A good majority of us.