44-year old male who's never had a date?

[a4a]

Oh, God, no! I do everything I can to avoid talking about myself. I either stay on neutral territory or try and get them to talk about themselves.

 

This is me being candid because people are asking for background information before they can suggest any new strategies.

 

Well if I met a stranger in a book store I would not be interested unless there was something interesting about that person.

 

Don't you have any experiences that you can discuss with new people you meet?

 

If I wanted to just stand there and babble about myself to a stranger - I can do that alone in my own kitchen.

 

From what I gather here: you are an accountant, you have no family to speak of, you are broke, you are depressed, you lack passion even for volunteer work....... no car.......

 

What are the positives about your life?.... besides you are not divorced and strapped with child support payments and a meddling x-wife?

[Phateless]

You need stories to tell to keep people interested as well. "haha wow remind me to tell you about my buddy Ryan, the m-1000 (half a stick of dynamite) and local newspapers and lake merritt. let's just say high school was interesting" for example...

 

Wergo - any progress on the ideas I posted for you? I think they're good ones and I know they would/have worked for me. I haven't heard any feedback from you. Do that google search, activity partners is under "activities" right on the main page of CL, and the salsa dancing thing has been gold for me. women i meet elsewhere are always impressed to hear that i salsa dance, on top of all the women i meet while doing it.

[StartingOver07]

Ok, let me make sure I am reading this right. You:

 

- Are 44 years old

- Keep your physical being clean and dress well

- Have a steady, if uninspiring, job that pays moderately well

- Are reasonably well educated

- Do not have any physical handicaps or deformities

- Are not horrifically unattractive

- Do not have a criminal/deviant history

- Have approached many women in a variety of settings, including online dating sites

- Have not had one single date in 30 years?

 

This does not pass the smell test for me!

 

What aren't you telling us, Wergo?

[sunshinegirl]

They pretty much just ignore me. There's no fighting or hostility, but I haven't had any contact with them in a long time. My father remarried and moved in the late 80s. I think they still live in Ontario, but I'm not sure where.

 

My mother still lives here, but I haven't heard from her in years. I used to call her occasionally, but that was pretty definitively discouraged. I don't really have any good news to talk about and there's no point in just calling to unload a ball of depression. She's made it clear that, until I'm married with some kids and a house in the suburbs, there really isn't much worth talking about.

 

This is really sad. I'm sorry.

 

You know, I keep circling back to your underlying attitude. We can suggest a million different "actions" for you to try, but you keep shooting them down. I think until you re-orient your *thinking* about all of this, nothing we suggest is going to be of any use whatsoever.

 

Have you already ruled out clinical depression? I have to believe there are some low-cost or no-cost counseling centers in Toronto if you're worried about costs. It seems to me you don't really have any enthusiasm for changing things about your life, and I wonder if there is an underlying chemical imbalance component to all of this. I don't say that to be mean... I have had clinical depression before, and a light and short course of meds made a world of difference.

[Green]

your aproaches to life are all bad. Look stop being depressed if you were 80 years old and in this situation id still tell you that getting a gf wasnt imposible. Stop thinking of yourself as this anoying guy with alterior motives when it comes to women. Were Men! its are job to go talk to women and ask them out and stuff like that. Phateless and I had some pretty good sugestions on how you can start building a social network. If you make friends it will teach you social skills, take you out of your lonlyness and get you that much closer to getting girls. If you had friends in your life, you'd most likely have a wife or gf by now. You got learn love yourself man, I know you probably won't believe me but you should. Even if you get a gf you'll find out you feel the same way about yourself as you do now. Oh and nothings wrong with hitting on really beutiful women I dont believe in dating leagues (I see that rule broken enough). butt make sure your not ignoring fat ugly old women... could give you that experience ur looking for.... might even be a some what hot older women... and mentaly retarded and handi cap girls could be easy to get (IM NOT JOKING SERIOUSLY CONSIDER EVERYTHING I SAY) and people dont take offense to this

[wergo]

Forgive me if this is offensive, but is it possible the women you are approaching are out of your league? Are you Urkel going for Angelina Jolie?

 

Anybody who's not actually with someone at the time, or wearing a ring, is a viable option. It's more like I'm David Hyde-Pierce going for Tina Fey.

 

Don't you have any experiences that you can discuss with new people you meet?

 

Not really. But, if I did, is an initial approach to a total stranger really the best place to bring that up? It's not like I'm using; "Hi. My name's Greg. How do you like me so far?", but I do try and keep things on neutral territiory. Isn't that the stuff you'd pull out on a first date?

 

Have you already ruled out clinical depression? I have to believe there are some low-cost or no-cost counseling centers in Toronto if you're worried about costs. It seems to me you don't really have any enthusiasm for changing things about your life.

 

I haven't ruled it out, but I don't know that it's a significant catalyst. I was in therapy for awhile, and they did put me on Elavil. None of it was low-cost. If I'd kept it up, I'd definitely be bankrupt by now. I'd rather be depressed with a woman than medicated by myself. And even therapy only treats the symptom, not the cause. Anyone who lived through thirty years of rejection, social isolation and sexual frustration who WASN'T depressed would have to be psychopathic. I do need to change something in my life; I need contact with a human female.

 

What aren't you telling us, Wergo?

 

Well, you forgot to include that I'm desperate and depressed and a bit of a science geek. None of that's attractive. I wish I knew why things never happened, but they just didn't. I could use a metaphor about lacking potential energy or something, but the opportunities to connect with someone either never happened or I didn't notice them when they did. Maybe everybody else had friends or family who inroduced them to other people or who set them up on dates. Maybe everybody else was in contact with lots of single girls in school or a work. Maybe while I was pretending to act happy and friendly while sitting by myself in bars, everyone else was in groups and couples, actually being happy.

 

Wergo - any progress on the ideas I posted for you? I think they're good ones and I know they would/have worked for me.

 

I'm keeping a lookout. Most of the ones posted are for skiing or hockey, and I don't really have much expertise or experience in sports. If something pops up there, or on the volunteer boards, I'll give it a try.

[Storyrider]

Your mention of David Hyde Pierce made me think of something. Is it possible women mistakenly assume you're gay?

 

Not trying to be insulting, just exploring the possibility.

[Green]

i think his problem is more then a woman mistakenly thinking he's gay

[Phateless]

what about the church option? you never know, it could work. and i still say give the dancing lessons a try. at the very least, the woman is yours for the dance. dancing lessons really are like speed dating. lots of fun.

[Storyrider]

Well, he compared himself to a gay man. It would be odd not to follow that one up.

[Phateless]

LS won't let me edit my post only 60 seconds after i posted

 

there's also a strictly platonic section of craigslist. having female friends will at least give you practice interacting with women, which can eventually help towards a girlfriend.

 

there's also a show on vh1 called "the pick-up artist" which you can watch for free online. check it out. your situation is A LOT more common than you might think.

[Green]

what about the church option? you never know, it could work. and i still say give the dancing lessons a try. at the very least, the woman is yours for the dance. dancing lessons really are like speed dating. lots of fun.

 

Maybe I'm wrong but this guy isn't going to try ne thing... he needs some kind of life coach to kick his ass and force him to do the things he refuses... very suprising he says he spends all this money to be more attractive and he doesnt own a car??? YOU cAN DO IT!!!

[Storyrider]

LS won't let me edit my post only 60 seconds after i posted

 

Once someone posts after you, you can no longer edit.

[Phateless]

You know what I realized? Even the things you are afraid to do... that's still a choice. Standing against the wall at a dance is a choice. One of my best friends told me "ultimately YOU control your own actions and no amount of psychobabble or self-analysis will change that."

 

Once I realized that every action is a choice, I didn't feel so out of control in my life, and I stopped choosing to do the things I always felt out of control by being unable to stop.

[Phateless]

Once someone posts after you, you can no longer edit.

 

I've never encountered a board with such strictness in my entire life.

 

Wergo - try those salsa dancing lessons. Go there to make friends, not to pick up women!

[mikeraw]

Hey Phateless, don't advertise that show too much! I was really pissed off when I found out Mystery was getting his own TV show... hahaha

[Green]

Hey Phateless, don't advertise that show too much! I was really pissed off when I found out Mystery was getting his own TV show... hahaha

 

why cause you dont want to be called a pick up artist by the many women that watch that show

[mikeraw]

Oh boy.......

[Phateless]

That show is just self-improvement repackaged for the modern audience, nothing more. It's all inner confidence that does the trick.

[gfto]

It's impossible to say for sure what the problem is without seeing you in action at the bookstore, so we can only speculate. I have a few suggestions for what they're worth. I was a dateless wonder myself until I was in my very late 20s. I reconnected with an old buddy from high school who had become a total ladies' man. He kind of coached me and did a makeover on me. I did an overhaul on my wardrobe. I learned to use HUMOR. You have to make 'em laugh. Not with dumb lines or anything like that, but rather, just lighthearted, silly chit-chat. Something else I noticed is that you said you're 5'10" and 140 pounds. I was built about the same way. I started hitting the weights and gained a good 45 pounds, which helped tremendously. Whether you like it or not, a sharp outfit and a good muscular build makes it much easier to get your foot in the door.

 

Also, the stranger-in-a-bookstore thing is extremely difficult to execute successfully. You're gonna have to be Brad Pitt or Alex Rodriguez to pull that off. I'd suggest just going to a nice club, even by yourself, and just get to work! Casually approach a girl and just say Hi.

[wergo]

Your mention of David Hyde Pierce made me think of something. Is it possible women mistakenly assume you're gay?

 

Wouldn't it help if they did? I thought women loved having gay male friends. Seems like a good way to get a foot in the door.

 

I shoulda probably referenced Niles Crane and Liz Lemon instead, though, huh?

 

what about the church option?

 

I'm really not a big fan of religion. And I'm certainly not sure that I could pass myself off as sincere about it. Or that I should.

 

I'd suggest just going to a nice club, even by yourself, and just get to work! Casually approach a girl and just say Hi.

 

I just came back from working the clubs. It was once again frustrating and demoralizing. Finding one that's not full of high school and college kids already in couples? - getting harder to do the older I get.

 

I haven't seen Mystery's show yet, but I did read 'The Game.' Honestly, I found it rather disturbing, in a cautionary tale kind of way.

[Phateless]

Watch the show and see if it changes your perspective. His entire methodology was designed around your exact scenario.

[Green]

Dude there are plenty of clubs and bars full of midle aged people hanging out, your really being silly if your going to places where teen agers hang out to pick up girls. I really dont feel sorry for you at all and you need to stop having a pitty party for yourself, you could really turn this all around today if you made the choice.

[dave3663]

Hey im only twenty and im struggling to meet women at the minute, the random approach is indeed very difficult, although if i sat down and talked to someone i dont think i would be having problems, but anyway you say u hate your life, well only you can change it , take a gamble, quit your job, change your image, find a new job and present yourself as someone completely different. After reading through your posts i know u say you could end up homeless etc but this is clearly ruining your life anyway, so do the hard thing as scary as it is, its your only chance of success. youve been failing for years, without a complete revamp of your life nothing is gonna change. Im planning on upping sticks and buying a round the world ticket after i finish university despite the fact im skint, dont know anyone and have little work experience.

 

(first stop canada, so any contacts would be a bonus if anyone fancies chatting to me!)

 

o yeh and as gfto says get yourself down the gym, hit the weights hard, you will gain more self confidence if nothing else. Same applies for martial arts or boxing which ive been dabbling in.

Edited January 8, 2008 by dave3663

[Phateless]

Perhaps post a pic so we have an idea of what you're working with? Perhaps we could even suggest some style pointers? When I go clothing shopping I always ask whichever attractive female employee is around for her opinion. After all, she's my primary demographic.