44-year old male who's never had a date?

[wergo]

I've been asking out women since I was 15 and, so far, I'm scoring a perfect 100 in the rejection department.

 

Online dating, dating services, night school courses, volunteer work - none of it's ever paid off. Most night I just hang around bookstores, art galleries or coffee shops bothing women who really just wish I'd leave them alone. Bars and nightclubs haven't been any better; just an endless litany of "I'm already seeing someone" or "you're just not my type."

 

There's gotta be more to life than just social isolation and sexual frustration, right?

 

Any suggestions as to either improve my social skills or deal with a life with nothing other than rejection?

[Mary3]

Have you thought of hiring a fashion consultant and hair stylist to get some re-vamp on your appearance and an honest assessment of how to improve you looks ?

[Curmudgeon]

As shallow as the looks issue is, you might be onto something.

 

I've no doubt there are relationship coaches out there. Failing that, perhaps some therapy of some sort would help. It's hard to say since there's no disclosure regarding reasons for the turn-downs other than trite phrases. Surely, after 29 years of rejection at least some would have been articulated.

[wergo]

Do they have makeovers for guys?

 

The closest I ever got to that was taking acting lessons (hey, at least I can pretend to be suave and confident, right?), but that didn't so much concern the visual.

 

Relationship coaches? Don't you have to have a relationship first before someone can critique it? Now, maybe if "Hitch" had been based on a true story...

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

I harshly can't fathom this story/thread to be true.

 

A 44 year old male who's never had a date?

 

IF it is true. There are two issues at hand:

 

(A) You come off as a stalker. Your approach is probably way off base.

 

(B) Your entire sense of being is not realistically packaged together, into a favorable human being for which others would want to levitate towards - i.e. Until you can set your life in order and begin to love yourself first -no one woman will want a relationship with you.

 

Sand&Water

[wergo]

(A) You come off as a stalker. Your approach is probably way off base.

 

(B) Your entire sense of being is not realistically packaged together, into a favorable human being for which others would want to levitate towards - i.e. Until you can set your life in order and begin to love yourself first -no one woman will want a relationship with you.

 

Sand&Water

 

(A) Possibly. Where does one go to learn how to approach women in public that's a little less threatening/pathetic?

 

(B) How do I set my life in order without practical experience involving other people? You can't learn to be social by yourself, can you?

 

How can I love myself when I hate my life?

[wildfire.55]

so you're 44 years old...what do you do for a living?

 

another thing i want to say is that you HAVE to care about your looks, my brother, I have a friend who is a model, the girls always address him with "Lord" and "God", he is shallow, but this proves the power of the looks,

 

on the other hand, personality and character are vital, the only thing more powerful than looks is the way you make the female feel, have you ever felt a connection between you and some female who is not jennifer lopez-pretty?? because she made you feel special, this needs practice and differs between people, find your strong qualities and use them...you're 44 years old you should be doing everything you can to get that chance...

 

and two things...NEVER EVER tell yourself for one instance that it's out of your hand...you can do it..everyone does it...and I bet that a person like you has a pure soul and deserves it more than any man,,,so tell yourself that you deserve happiness, second thing NEVER let a female put you down..if you feel down from one..think of her as a male in disguise

 

a tip i can give you to booste your confidence is to go to a bar, sit there and flirt with the waitresses, they are paid to flirt with you, this will greatly booste you confidence, just don't make it a habit

 

keep me updated

[kimba]

When you approach women in public places, book store, whatever, you might be putting across some sort of desperate vibe.

 

And it can be very confronting being approached by some random guy in a coffee shop when you are just minding your own business.

 

So stop that approach -its kind of creepy.

[wergo]

so you're 44 years old...what do you do for a living?

 

another thing i want to say is that you HAVE to care about your looks, my brother, I have a friend who is a model, the girls always address him with "Lord" and "God", he is shallow, but this proves the power of the looks,

 

on the other hand, personality and character are vital, the only thing more powerful than looks is the way you make the female feel, have you ever felt a connection between you and some female who is not jennifer lopez-pretty?? because she made you feel special, this needs practice and differs between people, find your strong qualities and use them...you're 44 years old you should be doing everything you can to get that chance...

 

and two things...NEVER EVER tell yourself for one instance that it's out of your hand...you can do it..everyone does it...and I bet that a person like you has a pure soul and deserves it more than any man,,,so tell yourself that you deserve happiness, second thing NEVER let a female put you down..if you feel down from one..think of her as a male in disguise

 

a tip i can give you to booste your confidence is to go to a bar, sit there and flirt with the waitresses, they are paid to flirt with you, this will greatly booste you confidence, just don't make it a habit

 

keep me updated

 

I'm in accounting. It's pretty anti-social. (Plus. I'm the youngest person in the office. And the only one without kids or grandkids. It's not like there's anyone here willing to go out for a beer after work, or who knows where the current hot places are to meet women. Or even knows anyone they can set me up with.)

 

The only contact I have with other people is when I pass by them on the street or try and approach strangers in a nightclub or a coffee shop. There's no "feeling a connection" there. And, with the chronic rejection, no shot at developing one. I'd love to be able to get to that stage, but I have to overcome the rejection barrier first.

 

I'm not sure confidence is an issue (wouldn't I need people who aren't forced to be friendly to do that anyway?). I have no problem making small talk with random strangers; pretty much anyone will at least pretend to be polite, but that never leads to an actual date.

 

So stop that approach -its kind of creepy.

 

Agreed, but what other approach is there? The only two options I have are sitting at home by myself not even trying, or hitting on strangers and getting rejected. I'd love to find a third option.

[ocset]

I didnt date for a long time, when all around me were. I'd be out with my mates and the girls would come on to me but to ask me about my mates - this was a definate blow to the self confidence.

 

I have to agree with kimba in that asking complete stanger out could be a little strange for them.

 

Believe you me I lack in social skills - a friend (who I really like) invited me over for dinner (which she made) and what did I say at the end - "...that was quite nice." - I may as well have said it was like poison!! what fool I am. What doesnt help me is that when I get nervous I develop stamma and look like i'm about to burst into tears!

 

My best advice would be to join some clubs - possibly adult education to learn another language - good interaction with people then - and just to increase your circle of friends.

[Reckless]

I have to say, I'm with Sand on this... if you are 44 and have not withdrawn yourself from the dating and mating game for some reason such as you have some kind of mental/emotional problem or are religiously committed to chasitity... then you really may have a serious problem with interacting as a human being.

 

An appauling lack of personal hygiene may, as some have suggested be the problem but I doubt that to be the case since I presume you have a job and have contact with people (friends, family etc) who would no doubt, in the course of your 44 years, pointed this out.

 

I hazzard a guess that if you are confident enough to approach total strangers you are not hindered by debilitating shyness, a stutter or some other more obvious social handicap.

 

So that leaves you being unable to relate and form connections with people. Notice I said people, not just women, since a reasonably normal looking individual that has friends and acquaintences will, just by interacting in a pleasant and agreeable manner find themselves attracting SOMEONE in their entourage. Sure they may not want the kind of individual they are attracting buy hey... you swing the racket you're given in life.

 

So I would ask, do you have no friends? Have you any female friends (we lurv to be fixer uppers so if you ask them any female friend will be a wealth information as to 'where you're going wrong'...)? In 44 years you've never asked any of your married friends if they know anyone that you might get along with.

 

Without looking like Pierce Bronson or someone, women will not react immediately to you but a kind and pleasant man, employed, straight and with all his own teeth can, by showing an interest in a woman without coming on too strong, find a date or two in 20 odd years... where ya go from there, is down to chemistry and luck.

[wergo]

I have to say, I'm with Sand on this... if you are 44 and have not withdrawn yourself from the dating and mating game for some reason such as you have some kind of mental/emotional problem or are religiously committed to chasitity... then you really may have a serious problem with interacting as a human being.

 

An appauling lack of personal hygiene may, as some have suggested be the problem but I doubt that to be the case since I presume you have a job and have contact with people (friends, family etc) who would no doubt, in the course of your 44 years, pointed this out.

 

I hazzard a guess that if you are confident enough to approach total strangers you are not hindered by debilitating shyness, a stutter or some other more obvious social handicap.

 

So that leaves you being unable to relate and form connections with people. Notice I said people, not just women, since a reasonably normal looking individual that has friends and acquaintences will, just by interacting in a pleasant and agreeable manner find themselves attracting SOMEONE in their entourage. Sure they may not want the kind of individual they are attracting buy hey... you swing the racket you're given in life.

 

So I would ask, do you have no friends? Have you any female friends (we lurv to be fixer uppers so if you ask them any female friend will be a wealth information as to 'where you're going wrong'...)? In 44 years you've never asked any of your married friends if they know anyone that you might get along with.

 

Without looking like Pierce Bronson or someone, women will not react immediately to you but a kind and pleasant man, employed, straight and with all his own teeth can, by showing an interest in a woman without coming on too strong, find a date or two in 20 odd years... where ya go from there, is down to chemistry and luck.

 

Not sure why my responses on this board are not showing up.

 

If there's a problem with my posts (am I breaking any rules?) could a moderator please email me? Thanks.

Ah, chemistry and luck. If only I had some of either. Or an entourage. Or married friends (heck, even work buddies would be nice) who could hook me up. I I've had the same problem developing friends as I have attempting to get a date. It's just a day-by-day failure.

 

My personal hygiene is impeccable. I'm well-dressed, no tattoos or piercings, about 5'10 and 140 lb. If anything, maybe a little too skinny. (kinda Niles Crane-ish)

 

Obviously I have a serious problem with interaction, though that might be more from lack of opportunity and experience than anything inherent in my personality. What I need is some venue where I can meet people in general and develop friendships (etc.) rather than just approaching total strangers on the street or in coffee shops. Every effort I've made in terms of clubs or night school courses or volunteer work has failed, however. I'm not objective enough to know why (although often age and marital status is a major factor - no one wants a third or fifth wheel around).

[Cous Cous With Goose]

It's your approach, even the ugly guys get something.

 

You're probably acting desperate, or doing something to turn them off. Understandable since you haven't gotten a date. How do you approach most girls? I'd like to hear what you do and how your conversations go.

[Green]

wildfire55 was right in alot of the stuff he said. As for kimba dont pay attention to that if you havent gotten a girl in this long you need to hit on every women you find attractive whether it be at the park while walking ur dog or in a coffee house just do it in a respectful way as in dont say something that you'll get smacked for, or stare right at their boobs while their looking and believe me their always looking. I myself know that I need to look at the boobs atleast once so I do the quick glance approach I look down at the boobs so quick and with out moving my head they will never know it gets that out of the way so u wont look like a perv. Now heres my gues about you, the only way you could have got this far in life with out a single date is if you have one or all of the following, a handicap cause that makes dating harder, you have know aspirations in life because people always like to hear about your dreams and stuff and it can be depressing to meet some one who doesnt want anything as in just sits around doing nothing all the time, you live in some kind of gross environment or at home with your family, You have some kind of mental condition that makes social interactions very hard, your in very bad physical shape, you smell, or just ugly, have no career... Ok now that was harsh but wait if you are any of those things hopefuly you can recognize it just let me know which ones or if I was way off base just tell me. I know of fat ugly losers who smell and have no jobs or any desire of doing things with there lives who have gotten girls though so you really do have a chance no matter what the reason is just dont give up. And oh yeah you should just go to a hooker like save up for a hot one and do that if you really want to have sex

[LilDarlin]

Years ago I knew a fat ugly guy that went to the Bunny Ranch in Vegas to finally get some.

 

He was very thrilled with it.

[wergo]

wildfire55 was right in alot of the stuff he said. As for kimba dont pay attention to that if you havent gotten a girl in this long you need to hit on every women you find attractive

 

...

 

Now heres my gues about you, the only way you could have got this far in life with out a single date is if you have one or all of the following, a handicap cause that makes dating harder, you have know aspirations in life because people always like to hear about your dreams and stuff and it can be depressing to meet some one who doesnt want anything as in just sits around doing nothing all the time, you live in some kind of gross environment or at home with your family, You have some kind of mental condition that makes social interactions very hard, your in very bad physical shape, you smell, or just ugly, have no career...

 

Not handicapped. Live alone in my own apartment (have since I was about 20) - it's not gross, but I do have two cats. (How would any women I hit on know what my apartment is like? No one but me has ever been in it.) I'm in pretty good physical shape. I've never gotten far enough talking to a stranger to get to my aspirations. I usually just try and make small talk to see how positive their reaction is before I say something like "I've got nothing to do for awhile, you wanna go get a coffee?" It's at that point they usually get that look on their face like they realized they just stepped on a landmine and start talking about how their boyfriend is picking them up soon.

 

I don't know that I'd call myself ugly, necessarily, but I'm obviously not attractive enough to get women to go out with me just based on my looks. And the catch-22 of having to rely on cold approaching women in public is that it's almost impossible to impress them with whatever personality I may have.

[uksteve]

Ok, so I have to admit myself, I only really got any clue as to what to say to women once I hit my late twenties. I did have several years of successful long term relationships though but that's a different story. Before that I was never the most confident, outgoing guy who picked up girls all the time. Not a player now by any means of the word but just understand a little more what women look for.

 

 

Now, I have to say the whole thing about meeting someone is:

 

1. Respect yourself and be proud of who you are and what you do, woman or no woman.

2. Like you say you do, take care of yourself, dress sharp and make the best of whatever looks you have.

3. Be confident. Very important not to take this to arrogance but echoes the first point.

4. When you speak to someone, even in a club, ask them all about themselves. It's difficult not to talk about "me,me,me" but this is a way to find out about someone, and if they are the kind of person you would get along with.

5. Eye contact, smiles and just a little flirtatious body language. If you find yourself subtly mirroring the person when they fold their arms, that helps with the chemistry side of things. It should be natural and shows you are getting on, so loosen up a little...

6. And don't give too much too soon. We all like to chase or feel something is worth working for...

7. Be a gentleman. Open doors, make sure you dont let the woman face the wall in a restaurant and always be polite and gracious.

8. Practice all of the above.

 

I tell you, if you come across as (which you seem to be) a genuinely nice guy, people will be attracted to spending time with you, both men and women as either friends or hopefully for you with the girls, more.

 

I would sit down and be honest with yourself. Is there anything that you think you might be doing/coming across as to make you seem slightly desperate for friends/dates - understandable if you have had these experiences.

 

I have an uncle who is now in his late 50's, never been with a woman and my fear was to end up like him. It's really sad but he just never had the confidence to find a girl and he just doesn't look after himself. I don't think you're like that at all from what you say so give it a go man.

 

Maybe it's time to look at the things in your life which aren't working for you and change them. Get a snazzy haircut (or shave your head if you have less ), some nice new clothes and shoes and maybe think about that job - is that the environment you're happy in?

 

I know what you are saying about couples - I find it gets quite cliquey when you are the single bloke, but that's just the way some people are. I wouldn't let it worry you.

 

You know, I made a big move back home, left most of my friends in another city but in just over a month have started to meet new people, am dating and really enjoying life. Mind you as I write this I am sick with the flu, but hey, you can't have everything.

 

Anyway, I hope that was of some help and good luck...

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

Wergo,

 

Your friend, Uksteve, wrote a good post for you. Follow through with that.

 

In addition: I really think you should take your life into your own hands. ASAP.

 

You are allowing yourself to rot away, without actually taking responsibility.

 

You should take drastic actions to improve your situation. You are 44 years old, and you ain't getting younger. If you truly believe a woman will bring some happiness to your life -then you should get out there.

 

Good Luck,

Sand&Water

[wergo]

You are allowing yourself to rot away, without actually taking responsibility.

 

You should take drastic actions to improve your situation. You are 44 years old, and you ain't getting younger. If you truly believe a woman will bring some happiness to your life -then you should get out there.

 

 

Well, I'm out there almost every night. The problem is that I really have no idea what I'm doing. Just hitting on strangers endlessly is an awful lot like doing the same thing repeatedly and hoping for different results. What I suspect I need is to find a better "there." I can fine-tune the product and I can develop a different sales pitch, but without an appropriate venue for the desired demographic, it might all be in vain.

 

The tips are great, and will come in handy if I'm ever on a date, or if I'm ever talking to women at a party. But neither of those scenarios has ever happened. What I need is some clues as to how to get to that level.

[Green]

Not handicapped. Live alone in my own apartment (have since I was about 20) - it's not gross, but I do have two cats. (How would any women I hit on know what my apartment is like? No one but me has ever been in it.) I'm in pretty good physical shape. I've never gotten far enough talking to a stranger to get to my aspirations. I usually just try and make small talk to see how positive their reaction is before I say something like "I've got nothing to do for awhile, you wanna go get a coffee?" It's at that point they usually get that look on their face like they realized they just stepped on a landmine and start talking about how their boyfriend is picking them up soon.

 

I don't know that I'd call myself ugly, necessarily, but I'm obviously not attractive enough to get women to go out with me just based on my looks. And the catch-22 of having to rely on cold approaching women in public is that it's almost impossible to impress them with whatever personality I may have.

 

Women would know about your place because its one of the things you would use to hit on them. For example you might say come back to my apartment and I'll make you a great dinner, or if you had a pool or something cool you would say come back for a swim. Women might also know about your apartment because you would entertain groups of people there from time to time and maybe have a few lady guest over... Personality shines through in short conversations and dont forget that people can see a glimpse of your personality from just one conversation. You need to find some kind of Hitch or personal dating dr to give you a new style and aproach because what ever your doing its wrong.

 

Heres my tips Dont give up, stay confident, be friendly and out going and go all out dont say " Ive got nothing else to do why dont we go for coffee" you should say " Let me take you out for coffee I'd like to get to know you better" look do you have any friends that are guys who are married or get dates have them help you out.

[wergo]

Women would know about your place because its one of the things you would use to hit on them. For example you might say come back to my apartment and I'll make you a great dinner, or if you had a pool or something cool you would say come back for a swim. Women might also know about your apartment because you would entertain groups of people there from time to time and maybe have a few lady guest over... Personality shines through in short conversations and dont forget that people can see a glimpse of your personality from just one conversation. You need to find some kind of Hitch or personal dating dr to give you a new style and aproach because what ever your doing its wrong.

 

Heres my tips Dont give up, stay confident, be friendly and out going and go all out dont say " Ive got nothing else to do why dont we go for coffee" you should say " Let me take you out for coffee I'd like to get to know you better" look do you have any friends that are guys who are married or get dates have them help you out.

 

Well, I don't want to come off as too aggressive. It's disconcerting enough to have a total stranger approach you when you least expect it. The thinking behind making small talk and then just casually asking if they want to continue talking somewhere else is that is doesn't exert any pressure on them. Asking someone I only first saw a couple of minutes earlier to come back to my apartment seems like I'm jumping a few essential steps.

 

"Entertain groups of people there"? I wish. No one but me has ever been in the apartment. I'm not aware of any dating doctors in real life - I suspect coming on boards like this and asking for advice is about the closest I can get.

[Green]

Look just make friends with guys who get dates and have them set you up it would get you atleast one date and then you would no longer have never been on a date. Do you have a career?

[Road Rage]

wergo,

First let me say I understand the tragedy of living your life struggling to find someone.

 

People usually make suggestions along the line of get out more, improve your appearence or work on developing an outward personality. They can look at someone and say that hairstyle, clothes, the way he walks, etc. is causing problems.

 

However, I believe all those things are symptoms of a deeper emotional conflict that is in the subconscious mind. There is a problem within yourself that is causing you to sabatoge your efforts at getting a date.

 

The best thing that could happen is to find a therapist that can understand what is going on. I don`t have much confidence that can happen. I talked to one years ago and she told me I needed to get out more. Now, I have at least some understanding of what has caused my difficulties. Even if you get a date or form a relationship, it will likely fail.

 

Once you get a glimpse of what is going on within yourself, you can at least understand why you do what you do. Doesn`t mean you can necessarily change your behavior. Self sabatoge runs deep. And so few people have any idea of it.

[polywog]

wergo,

First let me say I understand the tragedy of living your life struggling to find someone.

 

People usually make suggestions along the line of get out more, improve your appearence or work on developing an outward personality. They can look at someone and say that hairstyle, clothes, the way he walks, etc. is causing problems.

 

However, I believe all those things are symptoms of a deeper emotional conflict that is in the subconscious mind. There is a problem within yourself that is causing you to sabatoge your efforts at getting a date.

 

The best thing that could happen is to find a therapist that can understand what is going on. I don`t have much confidence that can happen. I talked to one years ago and she told me I needed to get out more. Now, I have at least some understanding of what has caused my difficulties. Even if you get a date or form a relationship, it will likely fail.

 

Once you get a glimpse of what is going on within yourself, you can at least understand why you do what you do. Doesn`t mean you can necessarily change your behavior. Self sabatoge runs deep. And so few people have any idea of it.

 

I beg to differ... about "it will likely fail". RR, try therapy again with a different therapist so you will not only get a glimpse of what is going on, but get help and encouragement to take steps to change your behavior. It can certainly be done, I have seen it over and over with all sorts of people. It's a matter of finding the right therapist, just like finding the right tool for the job.

 

That being said, Wergo, I think that RR's idea about seeing a therapist is a great suggestion. You probably have health insurance thru your job, right?

[wergo]

I beg to differ... about "it will likely fail". RR, try therapy again with a different therapist so you will not only get a glimpse of what is going on, but get help and encouragement to take steps to change your behavior. It can certainly be done, I have seen it over and over with all sorts of people. It's a matter of finding the right therapist, just like finding the right tool for the job.

 

That being said, Wergo, I think that RR's idea about seeing a therapist is a great suggestion. You probably have health insurance thru your job, right?

 

Yeah, but it doesn't cover therapy (heck, it doesn't even cover root canals!). I was seeing someone about a decade ago for about a year and, apart from being ridiculously expensive (who can afford $100/week?) it wasn't helpful. (and that was back in the days when I had some savings left and my cards weren't maxed out) I was just told that I was suffering through depression and put on elavil (which is also not covered and is pretty expensive).

 

Then I was told that depression is basically in an inappropriate response to stimuli but that, seeing how isolated I was, what I was experiencing was an appropriate response to depressing stimuli and that what I REALLY needed was to change my life in a practical way and that therapy wasn't really designed for that (i.e. what was I asking him to do - make women find me more attractive or make myself not care any more how desperate I was?).

 

You're probably right that it's advantageous to shop around for a better therapist, but how can someone do with without an unlimited supply of cash? Even if I were somehow to find someone who was able to help, the cost of it would leave me bankrupt or homeless.