have I been dumped?

[alissa]

I might've been dumped tonight, but I'm not really sure...

 

The guy I've been dating for 5 months calls tonight and says he doesn't know if we should see eachother anymore! Out of the blue, on the phone!

 

He says I can come over, so I do. and we talk for about an hour and a half.

 

Apparently he's been feeling guilty for a couple weeks now, because he's been having doubts about whether he wants to continue seeing me or not, and he didn't want to pretend like everything was fine.

 

He didn't have any specifics, just vague things like " we don't have that much in common" and "we don't communicate".

 

We had a very good discussion. and some of the problems come from us not seeing eachother very much. 2-3 times a week at the most (we live 30 minutes away).

 

When I got there the first thing he says is " I have to warn you that I'm famous for breaking up with people and then getting back together with them." That happened in his last 2 relationships.

 

And he kept saying, "I haven't really thought it through, and I haven't had anyone to talk to about this" very wishy washy things like that. Also, "I'm known for doing things without thinking them through."

 

so I don't know if this is it or not. he wasn't very definite, and he's supposed to call

me today. and might come over on Sunday (which is his Birthday!).

 

I agreed with the things he said, like, "we don't know eachother that well". but I'd think you should get to know someone better BEFORE you decide you don't want to be with them.

 

He said we've had alot of fun together, we don't argue, and we have great sex.

 

I don't know what to think. Is he trying to break up and not hurt my feelings, 0r is he just confused and really doesn't know what he wants?

 

It's perfectly normal to have "doubts" about someone, I certainly have about him, but nothing to break up over. You should talk things through before coming to any conclusions.

 

Any thoughts?

[Tony T]

Clearly, this is a pattern he has established. He basically told you he does this same thing, breaking up...getting back together...with just about everybody he dates.

 

If I were you, I would be very weary of a guy who has set such a pattern, fully realizes it, and is not willing to work on it.

 

Based on all that he has told you, I would say that with your cooperation you could go on like this for another three or four months before he either breaks up with you or you get sick and tired of his jerking you around emotionally.

 

I don't see how you could have respect for a guy who is so emotionally unstable...although I have to give him credit for being forthright and honest about his state of mind.

 

There is simply no way you can take this relationship seriously after what he has told you and you will probably subconsciously start making preparations to move on, whether you want to or not. He has given you all the clues you need to know that this is the beginning of the end.

 

Two people who have a lot of fun together, don't argue and have great sex don't go through crap like this. He would give it more time to bond, more time to get to know you better if he really wanted things to work out.

 

I also want you to know that the vast majority of dating couples see each other two or three times a week so his idea that the two of you don't see each other often enough is pretty lame. And it sounds like those times together have a lot of quality to them.

 

He's got some real head problems and you're his latest victim...I'm sorry to say.

 

This is certainly not a guy you're going to feel good about putting all your energy into...when he has given you advanced notice that there will be several more break ups before the final one.

 

Listen to his every single word, his every clue, his every warning and take those seriously. Digest them, process them and govern yourself accordingly.

 

It doesn't make on tiny bit of difference what you HOPE reality to be....take a cold show and start seeing reality as it IS. It's not a pretty picture for you at this time.

 

I think it's going to be downhill for the two of you from this point. I don't see a whole lot of potential in this. A guy who is excited about a woman or a relationship doesn't jerk it around this way unless he has a severe case of commitment phobia...which very well may be the case. Probably is. You don't need this crap.

[midori]

Yes, for all intents and purposes, he has broken up with you. That whole song and dance was just that -- a song and dance, a "well hey, since you're here, why don't we have some more of that great sex we both enjoy so much?" shuffle.

 

I've seen this many times, and have been in such a situation myself. Here's what I've figured out: he's washing his hands of responsibility for continuing the relationship.

 

If you don't like something about a relationship -- for example, a lack of communication -- but you believe that the problem(s) are fixable and that then you'd be quite happy in the relationship, I'll bet that you'd say something like, "we need to communicate more, because the way things are right now just isn't very satisfying for me." Or, "can we try to work it out so that we spend a bit more time together? I feel pretty lonely with only 1 or 2 meetings each week."

 

If you were sure they weren't fixable, or if things didn't change after you addressed them directly, then you'd have to cut your losses, and end the relationship, in a fair-minded, active and decisive way.

 

But it's not fair or actively decisive to say to someone, "I don't think I want this relationship, because there are these problems that I've never brought up with you before, but they really are kind of important. I guess we could try to stay together and see if things improve, but I need to be honest and let you know that I've got serious doubts about the whole thing." What he's really saying is, "continue with me at your own risk, because I've already got one foot out the door. The burden for making this work will now rest entirely on your shoulders, and as you address the things I've raised just now, I may well find other flaws in you and in the relationship, for you to chase around trying to mend. And if, sooner or later, I decide that I just want out after all, you'll have no right to be angry with me, because I did warn you that I have my doubts about us."

 

Let him spend his birthday by himself -- even if he calls. Even if he offers to "let" you come over.

 

People in relationships need to be responsible to each other, no matter what kind of relationship it is. If this were a business partner, not a lover, would you allow him to be ambivalent like this: "Oh, I'm not sure. I know you're investing your half of the money but I'm not sure now that I want to put mine in. Can we just try it with yours and see how it goes? Then maybe later on I'll feel better about investing my money in it too." I doubt you'd go for that. Something is either on, or it's not on. He either wants to be with you, or he doesn't. If he can't figure out such a basic thing, then I can't imagine why you'd want to stick around.

 

Seriously, even if you bought him a great birthday gift, give it to someone else and let Mr. Wishy-Washy spend the day without you. After all, he just broke up with you. He'd like to pretend that he didn't really break up with you, not in a way that would prevent you from serving his convenience. But you know he broke up with you -- that's why you're posting on this site.

 

The best idea, in my view, would be for you to break up with him in an active and decisive manner, because he's an unreliable partner who doesn't know what he wants, and who makes unilateral decisions about something that is supposed to be a joint venture. Not good partner material, wouldn't you say? Even if the sex is good, I'd have my doubts. And I'd act on them.

[Bill]

I haven't seen my girlfriend since August! If this guy is mad about only seeing you 2-3 times a week he should realize that it could be a lot less.

 

Something might be up, and he may not want to let you down hard. There's a reason for everything! You just have to figure out what his reason is.

 

If things are good for someone, they don't want to lose them. If someone says they want to not see you anymore, it doesn't mean that they love you 100%. He's gone though. He just doesn't want to make it official... maybe he's got other ideas. He's having you hang from a thread till he decides what he wants to do.

 

Good Luck.

[alissa]

Well, here's an update on my bf situation -

 

I called him this morning to wish him a Happy Birthday, and we talked for an over an hour about the issues he'd mentioned on Friday night: us not communicating, not really knowing eachother. We even talked about past relationships and why they'd ended, which we'd never discussed in any detail.

 

Apparently we'd both been unhappy because we'd let things go on being "just casual" for way to long, and never moving things to the next, more intimate level. And that cames from neither one of us opening up and sharing our feelings. We both keep things inside and don't open up easily.

 

I suggested that we could try to work on those communications problems, now that it was out in the open, and he's willing to try. He did say he wanted me to know that he wasn't totally "sold" on the idea that just working on communication would bring the relationship to where we wanted it, but he said it was certainly worth a try. Then we'd know more definitely if we weren't right for eachother.

 

Then, he invited me out to his house to play golf, and we had a great time (my first 9 holes of golf ever!). When we were finished I was going to leave and he asked if I wanted to stay and watch some tv for a while, til he had to do some work (lives on a farm). but we didn't really watch tv, we chatted for a couple hours and it seemed to flow naturally, it wasn't forced.

 

He was being affectionate, sitting really close to me so we were touching, rubbing my back, etc. Then I left and he gave me a hug and a kiss.

 

I don't know if this will end again in 3 days, or a week or when, but at least we've verbalized the problems and can try to work on them.

 

...and I did give him his Bday Present which he loved.

[midori]

I sincerely hope it works out. I'm sorry to be pessimistic, but:

 

Apparently we'd both been unhappy because we'd let things go on being "just casual" for way to long, and never moving things to the next, more intimate level. And that cames from neither one of us opening up and sharing our feelings. We both keep things inside and don't open up easily.

 

Really? You were unhappy too and didn't know it? Sure, that's possible. Or are you just adopting his frame of reference so that what he says will be acceptable?

 

I suggested that we could try to work on those communications problems, now that it was out in the open, and he's willing to try. He did say he wanted me to know that he wasn't totally "sold" on the idea that just working on communication would bring the relationship to where we wanted it, but he said it was certainly worth a try.

 

Who's going to be doing all the work? And you'll note that he has set up the situation so that he can bail whenever he likes.

 

The thing is, he might genuinely care for you. He might genuinely enjoy your company, and wish on some levels to stay in a relationship with you. But what you've just posted here sounds exactly like a guy who isn't capable of investing himself in a relationship.

 

I'd be very happy to be wrong about this. In the meantime I do hope you'll keep your eyes open and critically assess things, rather than just go along with whatever he says. If he's going to be in the relational driver's seat, if you at least keep your eyes open, you'll be ready to hop out when he stops the car and announces that it's over. Either way, good luck.