can I just leave, how do you find the strength

[Guest]

My story is like so many others, I am a MW and have a H and OM. I never thought I would be in this situation, but it is where I am in life at this point.

 

I have been with my H for over 13 yrs, M 6yrs. We have had many challages but the past 2 yrs have been extremely difficult. I want children, he does not, this I did not know until after we were married, when we married I thought he did. I have been a devoted, faithful wife, he is old fashioned beliefs and is not very affectionate, he does not realize when he is belittling me and when I call him on it he ignores it, and we have communication issues. And I feel he has control issues, he is always accusing me of never being home, I AM Home all the time, I volunteer some, but I do not go out every night, I am home during the week I cook, clean, take care of the dogs, I have never said he could not do something he wanted to do, If I had my way I would be doing a lot more!

 

I have begun realizing that I am not happy in the last years, and have started to become the person I used to be. Trying to be more assertive, but it has been a slow struggle Then about four months ago, I recieved an email from a old boyfriend from highschool, the OM. (we dated for awhile back then, but he was too sweet,I broke it off, this was over 17yrs ago) We began to talk daily almost immediately, at first it was friendly very innocent, but then it became more, we both opened up about our personal relationships, wants and needs, he revealed to me that he has always loved me, never forgotten, and feels were meant to be. We live over 100 miles from each other, yet I have seen him 9 times in the past four months, we spend hours chating and talking everyday. I long to see him, cannot get him out of my mind. I have not slept with him, but I have crossed lines that married woman should not have.

 

My mother, sister and girlfriend in the last few months have all commented that I seem different and happy, my girlfriend even said, we have you back. They have told me to do what will make me happy. I have admitted everything to my mom, sister and the girlfriends. My girlfriends and my sister all feel I should leave my husband, be on my own. My mom wants me to be happy and will not be that direct. But I am struggling with it.

 

A 1.5 months ago when I started seriously to consider leaving, we were aruging hard, and H said things have been building and we could not talke, because he would say things he would regret, two days later he asked if I wanted to know what he was thinking, when I replied yes, I thought we were going to talk about our problems, he said he was thinking of having a child, but was not sure because he may be to old (40), I was shocked, I shut down, I have wanted this for so long, but now, why say it now after all these years. Then two weeks later we got into a discussion about life, one of the few real talks we have had in a long time, And HE Crushed me, after talking about wanting me to be happy and asking if I was (In which I replied sometimes yes and no, I told him I did not think he was happy, He instisted he was.) But then... He said the reason he does not have a child with me because he did not want to be the only home to raise it. and that was it, we have not talked about it or anything else since. I did not know what to think, but I am bitter.

 

I want to tell my H I am not happy I am thinking of leaving, I feel I have to try to work it out, but I do not know if my heart is there. I know he wont change, he loves me, but I feel I need a whole list of things.

 

I have love for my H, how could I not, he has not done anything to intentionally hurt me, yet his actions have done just that. He is a good man, we do have a stable life together financially, live in a beautiful location and home, and I know he really does care about me. To leave will mean I need to do it for myself and for selfish reasons. When I say I have love, I mean I care for his feelings, I am afraid to hurt him, I want him to be happy and yes what he feels does matter to me. At the same time, I have grown distant from him and I do not feel as if I am in Love with him. I know this is cliche, but it is the truth. Please understand, he can make me laugh and he does like to have fun, but I need more than that. and I can not even do that anymore really, I do not even want to sleep with him anymore, I am because I feel I am supposed to. It is all killing me.

 

The things that I am missing are: acts or signs of affection, communication, family orientation, acceptance of my family and friends, passion, mental stimulation, romance, feeling special or being told I am (the little things), help around the house, to feel more appreciated, a child or children and sexual attraction. and these are just some of them. That seems like a long list to me, and also a lot to ask of anyone.

 

The good thing is that I now know this is what I am missing. With that long list, another part of my decision needs to be, how much of it would would satisfy me or what do I really need, can I compromise with myself on these things, do I owe it to myself and him to pursue them from him, and can that even be possible, or do I owe it to myself to pursue it outside of my marriage, which I have found these things in OM, all the time knowing if I did leave my marriage, I would need to take my own time too, not jump into a living situation with the OM.

 

I have an appointment to see a councelor on my own, in a couple weeks, but I just do not know. I need help, I want to be happy, what do I do? I am afraid to leave and afraid to stay. I can not go on living this way for much longer. How do you leave someone, do I have to give him a chance at couceling, or do I just think about me?

[CrossRhodes]

There's a lot to talk about here, but I'll try to hit the main points as I see them.

 

I'm wondering what the rest of your marriage was like, before the last two hard years. Was it rough going? Were you happy back then? How about your husband, was he happy back then? When did it all go off the rails? The answers to these questions are fairly important. You sound like a devoted wife and this devotion seems to have taken you as far as it can.

 

Naturally, you are feeling unfulfilled in a lot of important areas. FWIW, your list of needs seems entirely reasonable and not excessive. I think it is not a surprise to hear that you have ended up having an emotional affair. I say the answers are important because I can only guess that both of you have been unfulfilled for most of the marriage. You remain good companions but little else. Probably each of you has lost confidence and even a good part of your personal identities in the marriage.

 

The pull to the OM is very great. He has declared that he has always wanted you, he gives you the regard and attention you are missing in the marriage and you feel re-energised by it. Simplistically, all signs point to you leaving your H and starting a new life with the OM.

 

But of course, that is a simplistic solution and not the healthy, sustainable solution. The healthy solution is the one you have already started i.e. to go to personal counselling. A lot of people in this situation end up in marriage counselling, with many counsellors advising on the structural problems e.g. the communication issues. I went through this for many years, and it didn't help. My W and I only really moved out of our horrible rut when we engaged a counsellor who de-emphasised our interpersonal conflict and looked at the baggage we brought to the marriage. When each of us finally took responsibility for our own personal unhappiness, we were able to see much more clearly how our baggage got thoroughly in the way of our communication. We saw how our partner was like a whitewashed wall that we projected our childhood scripts and patterns onto. If each of us sat back and watched those projections, we could at last have a true picture of ourselves and go about changing our personal lives.

 

Now it probably sounds like my W and I have it altogether and are going to stay happily married forever after. In point of fact, we are still living separately and on the balance of odds, we will probably divorce. But we are not unhappy - far from it in fact. We finally have respect for each other and we are still great friends. When we decided to deconstruct the marriage, we each gave each other a very valuable gift - the chance to be personally whole again. We knew we weren't likely to stay married but each of us wanted to help the other to have a much stronger chance in our future relationships.

 

When you say that you "need to leave for selfish reasons", I have two reactions. The first is that there is nothing wrong with acting for self. I applaud it in fact. Your devotion is wonderful but if it comes at the expense of self, it is not sustainable. So there need not be any value judgment - rephrase it as "I need to do this for myself". The second is that this process does not need to be seen as only benefitting you. Your H has equivalent issues of his own, and you could help him indirectly here to improve his self-esteem and way of relating.

 

I think the OM is a band-aid solution to your problem. You will get what you are missing in the short-term, but your life will most likely gravitate back to where it was within a few years. Is that what you want? I know it's tempting. Your OM has waited this long for you, and he will wait longer if he truly loves you. As hard as it is, you would be best-served by putting your OM completely on ice and concentrate on restoring yourself. Learn to be independant again and to love yourself completely. You need to find the missing love inside of yourself, not outside.

 

Bottom line? Don't leave, stay and sort yourself out. I'm not saying save the marriage necessarily, but do save yourself. Ironically, that man you want to run away from, the one who is distant and affectionless, is the greatest resource you will have in this effort. He is your whitewashed wall. And in further irony, your efforts in counselling will greatly help him too with his own struggles. You get to be a good wife after all

[Gunny376]

First I would say that you've got tor get the OM out of the equation, simply because he's affecting your thought processess and "fogging" your mind. If your going to leave your husband, leave based upon the logical and rational aspects of his not meeting your emotional needs of a woman, a wife, a person, and an individual.

 

I hear what your saying about the nice house, the financial picture. A4A and I (among others) had a rather in depth conversation about this. (Sorry can't lead you to it right now ~ perhaps on my day off). Its here buried the divorce and separation section. It might help you to use the search button using Gunny376, A4A. etc. Its a locked down thread, as it got kind of heated.

 

Lady Jane brought up a good point ~ one that I'm a big advocate of ~ in another thread. She was addressing it to four guys that said that they weren't happy in their marriage. And her point was valid.

 

To learn how to fly a plane, requires hours and hours of in classroom instruction, and hours and hours of hands on training. To train a fighter pilot requires a year. Minimum. And then many years of additional training. And then you've got to pass a serious of tests to get your liscesnse. Same with driving a car. Same with a lot of things in life. To get a marriage liscesnse all you've got to do is to say "I do!" No classes, no couseling, nothing.

 

The truth of the matter is that our society has failed the institution of marriage ~ which is why the institution of marriage is failing so badly in our society. If I had the power, I would mandate a mandatory four year courtship, with pre-marriage couseling, and classes. (The reason I say four years is that in antropological studies across the glode of more than 60 different cultures ~ the human mating cycle lasts about four years ~ source National Geographic)

 

Lady Jane brought up in another thread as I said ~ the point that you have to learn and educate yourself how to be married. The problem is? Most of us, are re-active in the process of learing and educating ourselves, rather than pro-active of the process going into it.

 

Most of us didn't and don't 1/10th of the knowledge and experience that we needed to have going into marriage X years ago.

 

You don't need a divorce ~ you and your husband need to educate yourself. You need to read some books, acquire some new awareness, new consciousness.

 

Books I've read ~ re-read:

 

"Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex and Women Don't Get Enough Love"

"Light Her Fire" (There's another called "Light His Fire"

"How To Light Your Fire When You Have Children"

"Seduction"

"An Idiots Guide To Seduction"

"An Idiots Guide To Romance"

"An Idiots Guide To Understanding Men And Women"

"An Idiots Guide To Dating"

"An Idiots Guide To Having A Lasting Relationship"

 

Even then, as I've advocated you need to read at least one book a year on relationships. romance, marriage, etc a year (or more)

 

You sound as though you've got a lot going for you in your marriage and with the DH, but you need to kick it up a notch. Add some spice. I don't think its so much that the DH isn't willing ~ as it is he doesn't know how?

 

You've got to scrape the traditional role models. Of his being the Alpha male and your being the subservant female ~ that's not what its all about. Its about one woman loving one man. Right here, and right now in "real time"