How would you react to this situation?

[Can of Pencils]

So here's the situation: I've known this girl for a little over a year. In that time we've hooked up plenty of times. We used to live a few hours apart, but now we live in the same town. She's decided that she doesn't want to hook up anymore; just be friends.

 

But that's not so easy for me. When I'm around her I always end up coming on to her because she turns me on.

 

She's told me that we're not hooking up anymore, and if I want to just be friends with her I can call her then.

 

I haven't called her back about it yet.

 

What do ya'll think? I'd like to hear a girl's reaction to this, a guy with whom you've hooked up a lot refuses to "just be friends" when you decide that's how you want the relationship to be.

 

It sucks that this might end our friendship, but it hurts me a lot to be made to feel like my desires make me a bad person. I don't feel like I should be made to feel bad because I don't want to alter the relationship to only fit the parts she wants, and cut out the parts that I want.

 

The problem is that it is frustrating to be out with her, because I can't just be friends. So its either more than friends or nothing.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

Let's take a closer look at the situation, Can of Pencils.

 

She's decided that she doesn't want to hook up anymore; just be friends.

 

There were plenty of hook-ups, in the past. Even though, she lived a few hours away from you. That is good. But: Why didn't you confront her about your interest -take it to the next level?

 

So, you let it slide. Now, she lives in the same town. Did you continue to hook-up with her? Something must of went wrong.

 

Apparently, she gives you the friends line. How did she come to this conclusion? What changed her mind? Or perhaps, she lost the spark and physical/emotional attraction.

 

My advice: You can't chase after her knowing you only want more than friends, and she doesn't. Therefore, move on. Better luck with the next woman.

 

Sand&Water

[Can of Pencils]

Over the course of the last few months she decided that she doesn't want to hook up with ANYONE anymore. She wants to be in a serious, committed relationship before she'll get with someone. She came to this decision because she would start dating a guy, and they would break up within a few weeks. So she wanted to be with a guy longer than a few weeks before she started hooking up with him.

 

Since she decided to go that line we have only hooked up once. I can understand why she decided to quit hooking up, but I don't think its crazy for me to say, "I don't want to be just friends." I'm mainly irked that I'm being made to feel bad about it. Its not like I OWE it to her to just be friends simply because SHE decided that's what we need to do.

[konfuzd]

It sucks that this might end our friendship, but it hurts me a lot to be made to feel like my desires make me a bad person. I don't feel like I should be made to feel bad because I don't want to alter the relationship to only fit the parts she wants, and cut out the parts that I want.

 

 

You are the one who is making the decision that there is no friendship without the benifits. You guys had a mutual understanding of what the situation was, and as long as you are both okay with it, then it's alright. The idea behind the 'no strings' part of it is that when one of you wants out, there's no hurt feelings or emotional ties *in theory that is, I doubt it has ever worked out that way*

 

Just out of curiosity, why does it bother you that this "friendship" might end?What is it about her that makes her fu(kable, but not dateable?

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

You are driving into this situation backwards, Can of Pencils. Starting from Z and going to A. Everyone knows the alphabet starts from A to Z.

 

My drift is: She has lost respect for you. Essentially destroyed every hope you can have with her.

 

The fact that she is looking for a serious, committed relationship should ring a bell in your ears. And, I believe her; her choice of relationship is very rational.

 

A woman, like her, wants a stable respectful man. You have only given her hook-ups, which translates into scraps-of-meaningless-effort-time-and-energy. The way you make light of the situation, and treat it just makes you 10 points less valuable in her eyes.

 

Seriously, the down-to-earth move she has implanted is the friendship. I applaud her. Men who choose to view women like you just did, are definitely not boyfriend material.

 

Not intentionally meaning to sound cruel or demeaning, but that is the truth.

 

Sand&Water

[norajane]

Over the course of the last few months she decided that she doesn't want to hook up with ANYONE anymore. She wants to be in a serious, committed relationship before she'll get with someone. She came to this decision because she would start dating a guy, and they would break up within a few weeks. So she wanted to be with a guy longer than a few weeks before she started hooking up with him.

 

Since she decided to go that line we have only hooked up once. I can understand why she decided to quit hooking up, but I don't think its crazy for me to say, "I don't want to be just friends." I'm mainly irked that I'm being made to feel bad about it. Its not like I OWE it to her to just be friends simply because SHE decided that's what we need to do.

 

She doesn't OWE you sex, either, just because YOU you still want sex, and only sex.

 

She wants a serious, committed relationship. Clearly, that isn't going to be with you, or you would have told her you wanted a serious, committed relationship with her by now.

 

So, the only options are friendship or nothing, becasue she doesn't want to have "just sex" anymore. It doesn't sound like you want her friendship, just a booty call. That leaves: nothing.

[Star Gazer]

Just out of curiosity, why does it bother you that this "friendship" might end?What is it about her that makes her fu(kable, but not dateable?

 

Exactly. Please answer that...

 

And I commend this girl for sticking to her new convictions - she'll get what she really wants in her heart that way (hopefully!).

[brokenhart2007]

Doesn't seem that confusing...she made it clear that she wants a relationship and you don't want the same, you just want to mess around. When 2 people want 2 different things it can't work. If you can't be her friend without trying to get into her pants, I think you should leave her alone all together.

[Can of Pencils]

It isn't that she isn't dateable. I would date her, but she won't date me. She has in her head what she wants to do with her life, and I know what it is I want with my life. The two things don't line up too well. I want to move to a big city and be successful, and she wants to stay in her small country town in the middle of nowhere south carolina and be married to a very mediocre (in my eyes) type of man.

 

She refuses to date anyone that she can't see herself getting married to soon (mind you she's only 20). We talked about dating, and she decided before I even got a word in that though she really would love to be my girlfriend (I know I'm coming off as a jerk right now, but I'm actually loads of fun), she doesn't see us getting married, so she doesn't see the point in dating whatsoever.

 

I'm used to the relationship the way it is. We talk on the phone a lot, we have lots of fun, and every once in awhile we hook up. This isn't one of those relationships where all there is to it is hooking up. Far from it. Hooking up isn't all that there is to the relationship, but I'd be a liar if I said it wasn't part of the equation at all.

 

I decided that I don't want to be just friends. Its as simple as that. Whenever we're together this girl really turns me on. I can't help that I have these feelings for her, and they aren't my fault. I can't just turn it off. I don't like feeling like I'm a bad person for WANTING sex. It might be different if we never hooked up, but we did.

 

Whenever we hang out I end up coming on to her and making an ass out of myself. I'm tired of making an ass out of myself. It hurts my self esteem, and nobody's worth that. She put up the ultimatum that its either friends or nothing. So I chose nothing. I have enough friends, and I know that when we get together I'm going to make bad choices and end up trying to sleep with her again, and hurting my self esteem even more. So that's the end of it.

 

Thanks for the female side of things. I probably should have explained things better so you wouldn't think that ALL I wanted from this girl is sex. But I don't ONLY want friendship either. Rock and a hard place.

[Green]

I really dont know what you want? do you want her to just keep letting her hook up even though ur not dating? uve got like a non question here it sounds like u know everything, so just keep doing what ur doing because understanding the females point of view aint going to change the reality that she doesnt want to date you

[ocset]

I guess i'm pretty naive, but I assumed that hooking up meant meeting having a few drinks or going to the cinema - not having sex. I'd think that having sex crosses the bounderies of friendship and enters the realm of a relationship.

 

I firmly believe in been loyal to friends and its seems to me that is not what you are doing. It does look like the main reason you want to be with her is for sex and I can wholey understand her attitude.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh - but if you truely cared about her then you'd settle for been a friend and respect her choice. (it may sound like im been a preacher - but it was a choice I had to make in the past) and very possibly one I'm going to have to make again as I am attracted to my friend and have to decide what to do.

 

I certainly dont mean to have a go at you, but it does seem like "you want your cake and eat it"

[stace79]

No, you don't owe it to anyone to just be friends. But she doesn't want to have sex with you anymore, and just because she did before doesn't mean she should feel obligated now. Why don't you want a serious relationship with her? Sounds to me like you are the usual guy trying to get the milk for free. If you aren't interested in her for anything more than sex (including a solid friendship), I would strongly suggest you move away and let her get on with her life, and hopefully she will find a wonderful man who loves her for more than what she can offer in the bedroom.

 

Over the course of the last few months she decided that she doesn't want to hook up with ANYONE anymore. She wants to be in a serious, committed relationship before she'll get with someone. She came to this decision because she would start dating a guy, and they would break up within a few weeks. So she wanted to be with a guy longer than a few weeks before she started hooking up with him.

 

Since she decided to go that line we have only hooked up once. I can understand why she decided to quit hooking up, but I don't think its crazy for me to say, "I don't want to be just friends." I'm mainly irked that I'm being made to feel bad about it. Its not like I OWE it to her to just be friends simply because SHE decided that's what we need to do.

[Can of Pencils]

I think some of you might have mis-read what I wrote. SHE decided that we weren't going to date. Its not that she wanted a serious relationship with me and I turned her down. She decided that our own personal life plans weren't going to work out with each other, so she'd rather not even bother dating. And I already wrote about how I appreciate her for more than what happens in the bedroom. If that's what you think, you didn't understand. No offense.

 

Its not that I want to have my cake and eat it too. I never said "I don't want to date you, but I do want to have lots and lots of sex." That wouldn't work out too well. The relationship has always been friends with benefits, but she decided that she wants it to be just friends. And I can understand why she wants to do that now.

 

But that's not what I want to do. If I'm really attracted to a girl its not fair to me to make me feel like I'm a bad person for being attracted to her. Its as if my feelings were only ok so far as she was willing to reciprocate. But now that she wants something different, I'M supposed to want that too. And if I don't, I'm a jerk. As some of you as mis-reading it, I'm just a guy being a pig.

 

. . . if you truely cared about her then you'd settle for been a friend and respect her choice.

 

If she TRULY cared about me, then she would understand that I can't turn off my attraction to her just because she's decided that's what she wants. I'm not going to "settle" for her happiness over mine.

 

So how would you guys feel if you gave the guy the "friends or nothing" ultimatum, and he went with nothing? That's what's going on here.

[phyrespryte]

So how would you guys feel if you gave the guy the "friends or nothing" ultimatum, and he went with nothing? That's what's going on here.

 

I'd have to respect that and let you go. There's no point hanging around with someone that always makes you feel bad.

[Kamille]

I'd have to respect that and let you go. There's no point hanging around with someone that always makes you feel bad.

 

Yup. Well she says friends or nothing, you say hook up or nothing.So I guess you are left with nothing.

 

You have to accept she doesn't want to date or hook up with you and she has to accept that therefore you cannot be friends.

 

I know I make it sounds incredibly mathematical... i know it's not an easy situation to go through. But the answer is clear. If you aren't capable of being just friends then you need to end the friendship.

[ocset]

 

So how would you guys feel if you gave the guy the "friends or nothing" ultimatum, and he went with nothing? That's what's going on here.

 

I am a guy and I did get the ultimatium of just be friends - and it was extremely difficult to do. And in the end I failed made an arse of myself and she told me to leave her alone.

 

Which I had to do. I was lucky - several months later I got a text and were became friends again - but that all it ever was - friends. Believe me I TRUELY loved her. And it cut me up really bad.

[stace79]

You're right...I didn't read all the way down to hear your entire side of the story. =) I totally understand, because (I think you replied to my post) I'm in the same situation. The guy I'm in love wants us to be just friends for now because he's unsure of what he wants.

 

Even though I am trying to be just his friend for now, I don't see it working out for much longer. I don't have the guts to cut him off yet...I try, then panic and call or e-mail or something. I think you and I are in the same boat: We do what we can to stay friends OR cut them off. Don't beat yourself up over it so much like I do. If you decide you want to see her once in awhile, see her. If not, don't. There isn't a right or wrong answer to this.

 

In my case, I think eventually the guy and I will end up together, or he will hurt me badly enough that I finally have the guts to move on and get over him. For you, maybe you're okay with not seeing her, and if so, you shouldn't see her. It's just going to keep hurting you. =(

 

I think some of you might have mis-read what I wrote. SHE decided that we weren't going to date. Its not that she wanted a serious relationship with me and I turned her down. She decided that our own personal life plans weren't going to work out with each other, so she'd rather not even bother dating. And I already wrote about how I appreciate her for more than what happens in the bedroom. If that's what you think, you didn't understand. No offense.

 

Its not that I want to have my cake and eat it too. I never said "I don't want to date you, but I do want to have lots and lots of sex." That wouldn't work out too well. The relationship has always been friends with benefits, but she decided that she wants it to be just friends. And I can understand why she wants to do that now.

 

But that's not what I want to do. If I'm really attracted to a girl its not fair to me to make me feel like I'm a bad person for being attracted to her. Its as if my feelings were only ok so far as she was willing to reciprocate. But now that she wants something different, I'M supposed to want that too. And if I don't, I'm a jerk. As some of you as mis-reading it, I'm just a guy being a pig.

 

 

 

If she TRULY cared about me, then she would understand that I can't turn off my attraction to her just because she's decided that's what she wants. I'm not going to "settle" for her happiness over mine.

 

So how would you guys feel if you gave the guy the "friends or nothing" ultimatum, and he went with nothing? That's what's going on here.

[Can of Pencils]

as an update, I did end up completely cutting her off. At the end of the day I just didn't feel right having her dictate what the parameters of the relationship were going to be. It would have been different if we had have always been friends, but it feels like she thinks she's calling the shots, and making me feel guilty for not going along with it.

 

That's what really got to me the worse in the end. I don't like being made to feel bad about myself because I don't want what she wants. So that's that.

[Kamille]

Well it does sound like the right decision in this case. No one can be coerced into dating or FWB or friendship.