MM's Wife Annoys ME!

[bellababygirl]

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To some people, their spouse having a child out of wedlock would be so painful that it would be nearly unbearable. Imagine, for example, you lost a loved one in a car crash and thier body was severely disfigured. Pictures were taken of the scene. Now imagine having those pictures shoved in your face on a daily or weekly basis. How much harder would it make it for you to heal? It would keep the wounds pretty fresh, I would think.

 

A child born out of wedlock can be seen by the BS as the living embodiment of the torment their spouse has brought to their doorstep. A child born out of wedlock can be seen by the BS as the living embodiment of the torment their spouse has brought to their doorstep. It doesn't make them bad people. The baby's existance HURTS THEM. The very idea of it, destroys them inside. It's created an open wound in their lives that they are desperately trying to find a way to heal. Something is being forced upon them that they are completely overwhelmed by. People can develop PTSD over situations like this.

 

I must admit that a child born of another woman would probably make me contemplate suicide. It would break my heart that much. I would never want anything to do with a child whom would always make my heart drop at the sight of it. I know myself well enough to know I'd never be able to get past it. It would slowly eat away at me like cancer, so I would be forced to break up my family over it and purge my life of my husband no matter how much we still loved each other.

 

I love him with all my heart but I refuse to lose my sanity over him or spend the rest of my life suffering from depression and anxiety over of his poor choices.

 

A reaction to painful photos dont effect the photos...so your comparative analysis in invalid!

 

I have never been a BS, but I wouldnt think one ever heals from the betrayal of their S having an A or a child as a result of that A.

 

YOUR WORDS: "A child born out of wedlock can be seen by the BS as the living embodiment of the torment their spouse has brought to their doorstep."

 

I think the out of wedlock description can be dropped. There are many children born out of wedlock that are not of an A. Secondly, I think BS who feel such contempt for the innocent child only do so for their own self-hatred of feeling they, themselves, failed in their marriage resulting in the A.

 

YOUR WORDS: "The baby's existance HURTS THEM. The very idea of it, destroys them inside. It's created an open wound in their lives that they are desperately trying to find a way to heal. Something is being forced upon them that they are completely overwhelmed by. People can develop PTSD over situations like this."

 

So, a small innocent child is responsible for an adults pain??? Hmm..that is real logical...and pathetic! The open wound was created by their cheating S, not the child! If they decided to stay with cheating S knowing they had a lovechild...the better have found healing quickly...because they are choosing to have a S that has a lovechild...it is not forced on them. The only thing forced on anyone is the bitter hatred from the BS forced upon the innocent child. Dont you think a child can develop PTSD over a BS transference of hatred onto them, a child that has never made one volitional choice??? And BS want to be seen as the victim??? Whatever...

 

 

YOUR WORDS: "I would never want anything to do with a child whom would always make my heart drop at the sight of it."

 

I think it is interesting here where you refer to the child as "it." You cant even humanize a child born from an A can you? Do you not see how wrong that is? I wonder how your H heart would drop looking at a woman he is trying to stay with treat a child, who is part of him and your children, with such disregard??? Imagine how your childrens heart would drop knowing their mother finds disgust with someone who is part of their father, part of them??? THREE WORDS FOR YOU BS WITH NO HEART OR THOUGHTS OF ANYONES FEELINGS BUT THEIR OWN: SELFISH...SELFISH...SELFISH!

[bellababygirl]

You said it Bella....Bitter, angry people....that is what frieghtened me about this little guy going with the BW....it's so easy to be mean to a little kid, happens everyday....

 

You know Bella, I love your attitude concerning children....also noforgiveness....I can tell you all really love kids....with so much abuse going on it touches my heart greatly to hear your words....

 

Thank you, I know I rant on this thread and it is not even one of my own. But, I do have experience with children and with handling R. regarding them and their fathers. Being that I have now 3 children by 3 different men. And no, I dont feel ashamed of that fact at all. I love all my children. And, I would love any and all children of any man I loved, regardless of how many different women they were with. And based on some of the BS attitudes on here these poor children need as many loving women in their lives as possible...hate only breeds more hate...bitterness only breeds more bitterness...

 

 

And isnt it interesting NO ONE - ESPECIALLY ALL THESE VERY VERBAL BS - HAS ANSWERED THE REVERSE POSSIBLITY OF MM LEAVING BS FOR OW AND THE CHILDREN FROM THE BS MARRIAGE GOING TO VISIT THEIR DAD AND STEP MOM (OW) AT THEIR DADS NEW HOME! Why is that? Cant you selfish heartless women swallow what you dish out???

[bellababygirl]

If thats the case you will gather karma for sleeping with a married man

 

It takes two to sleep with a MM! To hate a child takes the actions of ONE!

[bellababygirl]

As far as welcoming said child with open arms.... I don't know how natural it is for a person to have warm feelings for what they, at some primitive level, consider to be a threat and intruder in their family. It's a nice thought but I'm not sure how realistic it is. I'm sure there are some women who can but I would think they would be more more the exception than the rule.

 

At primitave levels men had several mates and children...it is called procreation for survival of the species! Dont get me started on a primitave level people! Because on as primative, physiological level, sex is made to reproduce the species...and since women can only reproduce every 9 months and men constantly what does that tell you????

 

Any woman who believes an innocent child is a threat and intruder has MAJOR INSECURITY issues! And these issues may be a result of having become a BS, but certainly are not any fault of that child...how can anyone find contempt for a child that is made of the man they love so very much, or claim to love...hating a child from your H is in a sense hating a part of your own children!

[bellababygirl]

To be fair here, if the MM didn't want anymore children, at age 61, he could have gone to get the SNIP done.

 

Exactly, not to mention he never makes an attempt to have any protected sex...well, not that pregnant it matters anyway. But, we spoke of having children in a couple of years...he has always known I wanted a little girl one day...

[bellababygirl]

My mother was born from an A my grandfather had. My grandmother adopted her and raised her as her own. My mother found out she was "adopted" when she was a small child and when she asked my grandmother about it my grandmother simply replied "Don't worry honey you will always be your daddy's little girl." She grew up very close to her father but did not find out that she was his biological daughter until many years after he had passed away.

 

I was too young when my grandmother passed away to remember her but I think she was one hell of a woman to raise her husbands "love child" as her own.

 

It kills my to know that my grandfather took this information to his grave and never let my mother know that she was actually his flesh and blood.

For years I haven't been able to deside if I love him or hate him for not being honest.

 

I do remember as a child though standing in the mirror with one of my cousins and finding it extremely ironic that she and I had the exact same birth mark in the exact same spot...it's a family trait (my cousins father had it too...my grandfathers biological son) How could I have the same birthmark if my mother was adopted. That memory came back to me the day I found out the truth about my grandfather.

 

To make the story even more crazy...my mother also found out at the same time that she had a half brother and a half sister born from her biological mother. What a roller coaster of emotion my mother went through.

 

Just thought I'd share

 

All that could have been prevented with honesty on the ADULT'S PART! I am so sorry for your mothers pain, and your confliction.

[bellababygirl]

Why doesn't the BW just remove herself from the situation and the MM can have visitation at a seperate location than the martial home.

 

This way the MM gets to see the kid and the BS & OW never have to deal with each other.

 

And I think it is asking a lot to welcome and OC into your family with open arms. I don't don't think most people could do it.

 

Also it amazes me how shocked the op is that the wife is giving her attitude. What did you expect when you slept with a MM and had his kid.

 

If most people cant do it then most people shouldnt stay with a MM who has OC. I think their is attitude on both sides. My point is that advice should be given as to how to diffuse the attitude all the way around and see why that is in the best interest of the child and his R with his father...and possible half-siblings (I am unsure if, in this case, half-siblings exist).

[bellababygirl]

I disagree with you there, bella. I think what's been said here can be extremely helpful to the OP if she chooses to use it correctly. She's been given a lot of opinions from people about what they would do if they were in the W's situation. Given that information, OP should consider that the W is behaving in a fairly civil manner under the circumstances. If some of the posters here were married to her xMM, her kid wouldn't even see his/her father.

 

Intead of getting annoyed at W, OP can be understanding of W's feelings, suck up her pride and offer an olive branch for the sake of her own child. Ideally, W should do nothing but offer love and support for the child. But from listening to the opinions of others here, we know that's asking a lot. It'll take time and effort for that to happen. It'll also take the cooperation of the xOW.

 

If xOW can't be the better person for her own child's sake , how can she expect another woman to? It may mean OP is going to take a lot of sh*t from W and that her ego will get a lot of bruising, but if that's what it takes to get W to be more accepting of her child, then she needs to learn to live with it. She needs to put her child's interest before her own pride.

 

 

I agree with some of what you say, but I still think negative comments (and i see contructive critisism as a positive comment - I beleive someone said it in another thread...it's all on the delivery) are not helpful.

 

Think about it...this is already a heated environment. There seems to be more than just this instance...so they need tools to work towards a truce and common ground of respect to exist upon. And this needs to happen ASAP...

 

The child is already here, they have to deal with it NOW, and the woulda, coulda, shoulda's dont help anyone...

[Ripples]

WELL, IF YOUR H LEFT YOU AND MARRIED OW GUESS WHAT THAT MAKES YOUR CHILDREN TO HER! YEAH, LETS SEE HOW YOU LIKE THAT IDEA! CAN YOU SEE YOUR DOUBLE STANDARD BITTING YOU IN THE A**! HOPEFULLY, YOUR H OW WOULD HAVE A LOVING GERNEROUS ATTITUDE TO SOMEONE WHO WOULDNT BE SO INCLINED IN RETURN!

If I were the BW in question, I'd make sure to get a court order to keep the OW away from my children. I wouldn't want them around someone with such low standards of behaviour. Also, seeing their father without the OW in the picture, would keep my children from seeing his low standards in practice. Hope that helps

[DawnGuest]

I stated that I would DIVORCE my husband and remove him from my life altogether because I would be afraid that my staying would be damaging for all parties involved, the child included. Kids can pick up on when a person doesn't like them.

 

So therefore, I would destroy my own family, which would make my own children suffer, so that someone else's child didn't have to grow up to feel like something was wrong with them. That's an awful lot for a person to sacrifice for a child they'll never even know. What more do you want? Why the hatred towards ME?

 

I'm not the boogie man out to hurt anyone, but you seem to totally want to demonize people if their feelings differ from your own or point out that the presence of an OC can and often does deeply wound the wife. Not everyone can handle an OC. Everyone reacts to pain differently. As I said it can be so traumatic to a person they can get PTSD from it.

 

I am sorry if this hurts you but you really need to come to terms with the fact that this woman may not want to play nice when it comes to OC. It's not a pleasant thought but it's something you have to be prepared for or it's going to hurt all the more should it happen. There are boards on the web that have OC discussions, you should look them up and gain some perspective into how the wives think and what wives have done in these situations because right now, you haven't a clue.

[DawnGuest]

If I were the BW in question, I'd make sure to get a court order to keep the OW away from my children. I wouldn't want them around someone with such low standards of behaviour. Also, seeing their father without the OW in the picture, would keep my children from seeing his low standards in practice. Hope that helps

 

I don't think it would be all that easy to do unless you can prove the woman is a danger to them. From what I've read and seen, most BSs would rather drink gas from the pump then let the other woman near their babies but that is very hard to achieve unless both the wife and the husband want the same thing. They say men are territorial but when it comes to our children, women are like momma bears.

[Guest]

If most people cant do it then most people shouldnt stay with a MM who has OC.

 

I also want to point out Bella that life is not as black and white as this. The "just get over it or divorce him" blanket statements might work for some situations but not all. For example, sometimes breaking apart a family can cause serious damage to a child. Such as a child who's already suffering from severe depression or a child who's mentally disabled and would have great difficulty and many setbacks at the change of his daily routine. Not all children bounce back, most do, some don't.

 

Why is it the only options acceptable to you are: just accept the child into the clan or divorce?

 

It seems to me there would be other options here. I honestly don't understand why the wife HAS be involved in the scenerio at all. If the husband gets to see the child on a regular basis and the siblings do as well, isn't that what's important? Why does she have to be a factor at all? I doubt if the child never met her, it would bother him in the slightest, especially if he or she has a good relationship with the father. Why is it not acceptable for her to just bow out gracefully?

 

Just a thought.

[Guest]

About the inheritance question... we left him $1.00. That way there can be no claims of, Oh, he simply forgot to include OC. And yes, it is legal and irrefuable in court.

We have no contact with said child. Neither of us wished for more children, and when he finally realized she just wanted to be a SAHM as I am with ours, he realized what a little gold-digger she was. She assumed hers would be kept in the same style as ours! Ha! Not happening. And our money was acquired during our marriage. Therefore Joint property. The money he spent on her during his 9 month affair will off set her CS for at least a couple of years.

[vanilla chai]

At primitave levels men had several mates and children...it is called procreation for survival of the species! Dont get me started on a primitave level people! Because on as primative, physiological level, sex is made to reproduce the species...and since women can only reproduce every 9 months and men constantly what does that tell you????

 

Any woman who believes an innocent child is a threat and intruder has MAJOR INSECURITY issues! And these issues may be a result of having become a BS, but certainly are not any fault of that child...how can anyone find contempt for a child that is made of the man they love so very much, or claim to love...hating a child from your H is in a sense hating a part of your own children!

 

 

For heaven sake it's not the child that some bws hate but it's the situation that resulted in said child. Why some of you ow can't understand that is beyond me.

[Impudent Oyster]

If most people cant do it then most people shouldnt stay with a MM who has OC. ).

 

Actually, the more common way this plays out is that most wives DO dump husbands who get another woman pregnant, and of those who don't (better women than I am, that's for sure), the MM and his wife stay married and don't have contact with the OC.

 

Remember, a wife and children have the right to expect that their husband and father isn't going off behind their backs fathering illegitimate children.

[Impudent Oyster]

If most people cant do it then most people shouldnt stay with a MM who has OC. .

 

This attitude that somehow the legitimate family of the MM, the wife he made vows to and the children he planned and fathered with that wife, should just step aside and welcome a child the OW accidentally (maybe) became pregnant with during an EMA is BEYOND ARROGANT.

 

If you can't accept that your child is NOT going to be welcomed with open arms by MM's wife and children maybe you ought not have a baby with a married man.

[bellababygirl]

If I were the BW in question, I'd make sure to get a court order to keep the OW away from my children. I wouldn't want them around someone with such low standards of behaviour. Also, seeing their father without the OW in the picture, would keep my children from seeing his low standards in practice. Hope that helps

 

Good luck with that...let's drag your children through a court battle regarding their father...that wont effect them at all will it! And, I am sure a judge wouldnt see your actions fueled by your hatred for the OW at all...and the fact that they would have a half-sibliing that their father may want them to know might have a little to do with that judges decisions as well. Why do you think their father ceases to be their father or loses rights to them upon marrying the OW? Your thinking is so..."ME ME ME ME"...clearly not coming from a good place are you?

[bellababygirl]

For heaven sake it's not the child that some bws hate but it's the situation that resulted in said child. Why some of you ow can't understand that is beyond me.

 

 

Then you need to re-read some of the putred hate directed at the child and answer that for all of us!

[Babybird]

This attitude that somehow the legitimate family of the MM, the wife he made vows to and the children he planned and fathered with that wife, should just step aside and welcome a child the OW accidentally (maybe) became pregnant with during an EMA is BEYOND ARROGANT.

 

If you can't accept that your child is NOT going to be welcomed with open arms by MM's wife and children maybe you ought not have a baby with a married man.

 

Step aside and welcome with open arms is a little extreme but what did that child do to NOT deserve its father and siblings?

 

If BW chooses to stay with H knowing he has a child on the way with OW then I don't think it is arrogant at all to expect this woman to accept the child. She has choices and whether she likes it or not her legitimate children are this bastards siblings. And let me reiterate that the child did nothing wrong, didn't ask to be born, and should not have the mother's sins held against him.

 

Ought not to have a baby with a MM man is irrelevant. The child is here.

[bellababygirl]

Actually, the more common way this plays out is that most wives DO dump husbands who get another woman pregnant, and of those who don't (better women than I am, that's for sure), the MM and his wife stay married and don't have contact with the OC.

 

Remember, a wife and children have the right to expect that their husband and father isn't going off behind their backs fathering illegitimate children.

 

I am not going to burst a blood vessel, dont worry. I actually enjoy this thread quite calmly because I know how ridiulously immature and small minding you all are being regarding innocent children. I certainly dont lose any sleep over it and the only reason I continue the crusade in this thread is to hopefully give you some way to let go of your bitterness and see that it is the A. itself, not the child, you cant handle.

 

You know I hope some of what I contribute will allow some OW and BS to let go of their indifferences for a moment and look at the wonderful gift of all the children involved as just that...a gift that is part of the man they love or did love...a gift that extends their childrens extended family giving them one or more people to love...

 

Again, I would hope all the people who have issued an opinion on this subject would also answer my reverse question...

 

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOUR H LEFT YOU AND MARRIED OW? THEN YOUR CHILD(REN) WOULD BE GOING TO VISIT DADDY AT HIS HOUSE WITH THEIR NEW STEP-MOM? WHOULD YOU WANT THE OW TO TREAT YOUR CHILDREN AS YOU HAVE SO VENOMLY STATED YOU WOULD TREAT HERS? ITS NOT SO EASY TO SWALLOW WHEN IT COMES THE OTHER DIRECTION IS IT? A woman's ability to love a child and be a good mother is not measured against the fact she was once the OW. The two have nothing to do with each other as ripples tries to imply above.

 

The human decency everyone keeps talking about is LOVING ALL INNOCENT CHILDREN EQUALLY!!!!!!!! The emotions from the A. on the adults standpoint is something that the A. should handle, and if you cant then dont stay...if you cant work through your feelings to the point you cant refrain from hurting a child then dont delay RUN away from any damage you might inflict upon a child that is a part of your children...you will only damage that child and your own!

[bellababygirl]

Step aside and welcome with open arms is a little extreme but what did that child do to NOT deserve its father and siblings?

 

If BW chooses to stay with H knowing he has a child on the way with OW then I don't think it is arrogant at all to expect this woman to accept the child. She has choices and whether she likes it or not her legitimate children are this bastards siblings. And let me reiterate that the child did nothing wrong, didn't ask to be born, and should not have the mother's sins held against him.

 

Ought not to have a baby with a MM man is irrelevant. The child is here.

 

And if you want to talk about "ought tos" the MM ought to not engage in activities to get another woman pregnant if he absolutely did not want other children. Because no matter how you spin it...the child will always be his child...no matter how many W, OW, or whatever the MM goes through in his life... I am beginning to think that the BS are hating the child because they are jealous of the undeniable bond this child will forever have with his father...one the BW will never be able to achieve...

[pricillia]

The fact is that most marriages do not last and some wives and husbands remarry.

 

If the man or woman was a OM or OW or even if she wasn't the previous spouse will have some ill feeling towards the new person and could possibly take it out on the children, it is unfortunate but it does happen

[Babybird]

Point taken P.

 

BBG: Maybe the bond but if you think about children are his forever. Wives, OW, etc can be easily divorced or dump and the children are still there.

 

Jealous could probably explain how she felt when she has another person to share her H with. This child is a constant reminder of his infidelity. He will be in contact with the OW for the next 20 years, give or take. That would hurt. Trying to move on with her still in there lives would be tough. I imagine jealous would be a very thin slice of her emoitional pie.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I am beginning to think that the BS are hating the child because they are jealous of the undeniable bond this child will forever have with his father...one the BW will never be able to achieve...

 

I don't know that its jealousy, so much as its a matter of an unwanted and unwelcome intrusion into and disruption of an already established family unit.

[bellababygirl]

Point taken P.

 

BBG: Maybe the bond but if you think about children are his forever. Wives, OW, etc can be easily divorced or dump and the children are still there.

 

Jealous could probably explain how she felt when she has another person to share her H with. This child is a constant reminder of his infidelity. He will be in contact with the OW for the next 20 years, give or take. That would hurt. Trying to move on with her still in there lives would be tough. I imagine jealous would be a very thin slice of her emoitional pie.

 

But I beleive the hatefulness directed toward the child is steming from her emotions (very irrational emotions)...as you said this child will be in their lives (if she choses to stay) and some type of contact with the OW for the next 20 years giver or take...so the BS and OW need to get a handle on how to be civil to one another and do what is best for the child now before permenant damage is done...

 

They all made their choices...the child had NONE! I havent mentioned much about this...but...ANY MAN WHO WOULD STAY WITH ANY WOMAN THAT WOULD TREAT ANY OF HIS CHILDREN (FROM A MARRIAGE, OR ANY OTHER ACTIVITY) WITH CONTEMPT AND DOESNT SAY SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT HAS NO SPINE AND DOESNT DESERVE TO BE A FATHER...