crazy_grl Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Now it's Bella's choice whether or not she wants to put her child into the care of a bitter bag of a spouse. Just an FYI, this isn't bella's thread. It's not about Bella's situation. I guess my last message either didn't come through or was deleted for being a "personal message" because I addressed Bella for taking the thread totally off topic. So this time, I guess I won't address it to anyone. I don't think that discussing whether or not W should love OW's child is at all important to this situation. I think that topic should be discussed on another thread, because the OP isn't the W. I think this thread would be more helpful if we address how OW should behave in this situation, since OP can only change her own behavior and feelings. That's the only way she can affect how W feels about and treats her chlid. OP, if you're still reading, I think you need to change your approach to dealing with W. You may not feel like you owe it to her to be extra nice, apologetic, sympathetic, and take any sh*t from her, but if you want her to accept your child, you might need to do that for the time being. Sit down with her and have a talk if you can. If after some time, she's still not coming around, then explore other solutions. That's how I think you should handle it anyway. If, on the other hand, you're just using your child as a means to interfere with xMM's marriage and stir up trouble for them (as it seemed in your first post), then you need to reconsider your priorities. Link to post Share on other sites
bellababygirl Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Just an FYI, this isn't bella's thread. It's not about Bella's situation. I guess my last message either didn't come through or was deleted for being a "personal message" because I addressed Bella for taking the thread totally off topic. So this time, I guess I won't address it to anyone. I don't think that discussing whether or not W should love OW's child is at all important to this situation. I think that topic should be discussed on another thread, because the OP isn't the W. I think this thread would be more helpful if we address how OW should behave in this situation, since OP can only change her own behavior and feelings. That's the only way she can affect how W feels about and treats her chlid. OP, if you're still reading, I think you need to change your approach to dealing with W. You may not feel like you owe it to her to be extra nice, apologetic, sympathetic, and take any sh*t from her, but if you want her to accept your child, you might need to do that for the time being. Sit down with her and have a talk if you can. If after some time, she's still not coming around, then explore other solutions. That's how I think you should handle it anyway. If, on the other hand, you're just using your child as a means to interfere with xMM's marriage and stir up trouble for them (as it seemed in your first post), then you need to reconsider your priorities. Just FYI...I read the post you are referrring to you wrote. and my last post on here was strictly to do with the first post beginning this thread...so, if you read it I think you will see some of what you say above and what I stated in that post are similar! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I would deal with my emotions regarding the A. and him as a separate issue. If I stayed with him, I would entirely accept whatever child born from the A. I would welcome them into my home and make them feel that it is their home too. I would make every attempt to be civil to the childs mother in hopes that all involved could come to a common ground that would not further any negative feelings of contempt. The promotion of the childs R. with the father would be my interest...and it just so happens to promote that, I believe, the best way to accomplish it is finding a mature and civil ground for all the adult involved to interact...I mean sex happened its over...the child is forever... OK, I've never believed in the "would" anyway, I only believe in "did" and "do" so I simply don't believe that you REALLY WOULD do all that you claim you would. The funny thing is, whenever we try to be generous in a certain situation, we end up feeling and acting just like everyone else would and we end up in that very situation BECAUSE we thought it wasn't a problem for us. You WILL end up in this very example: your MM will eventually find another woman and you willdiscover that you're no diffrent from any of the women you fought so strongly here. yes, I would expect myself to make every effort to be a loving giving woman to any childYou don't become loving by making effort to become like that. You either love or you don't. Can you love your MM's children with his wife? Do you? Will you? I know you don't know them, but even if you get to know them, you will never love them. Link to post Share on other sites
bellababygirl Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 OK, I've never believed in the "would" anyway, I only believe in "did" and "do" so I simply don't believe that you REALLY WOULD do all that you claim you would. The funny thing is, whenever we try to be generous in a certain situation, we end up feeling and acting just like everyone else would and we end up in that very situation BECAUSE we thought it wasn't a problem for us. You WILL end up in this very example: your MM will eventually find another woman and you willdiscover that you're no diffrent from any of the women you fought so strongly here. You don't become loving by making effort to become like that. You either love or you don't. Can you love your MM's children with his wife? Do you? Will you? I know you don't know them, but even if you get to know them, you will never love them. Trying not to make this thread about my personal situation...but I will answer you ending questions... I am a loving woman to all children...yes I do love my MM and his BW children...I do not know them personally, but from what I know of them they are beautiful wonderful people (keep in mind there would be some awkwardness I am sure as his oldest is not much younger than me) but, they are part of my MM...and I love him...I love his children...the are part of him and they are part of our son as well... I dont "HATE" anyone really. There are people I choose not to associate with, but even those people I make no effort to make miserable or wish them any ill will...so, I chose not to be a person of contempt for anyone... Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I dont "HATE" anyone really. There are people I choose not to associate with, but even those people I make no effort to make miserable or wish them any ill will...so, I chose not to be a person of contempt for anyone...What happens when/if you discover that THEY have a lot of hatred for you? Link to post Share on other sites
bellababygirl Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 What happens when/if you discover that THEY have a lot of hatred for you? the old adage...kill them with kindness??? What can I do??? I cant and wont behave rudely to them...in my eyes they are children...so, if/when an instance like that surfaces then we (MM and I) will deal with it appropriately and calmly... Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I am a loving woman to all children...yes I do love my MM and his BW children...I do not know them personally, but from what I know of them they are beautiful wonderful people (keep in mind there would be some awkwardness I am sure as his oldest is not much younger than me) but, they are part of my MM...and I love him...I love his children...the are part of him and they are part of our son as well... I dont "HATE" anyone really. There are people I choose not to associate with, but even those people I make no effort to make miserable or wish them any ill will...so, I chose not to be a person of contempt for anyone... No ... This is not true . Those people you do love ;you would never be willing to subject them to the pain it will cause when the A comes to light. I know you may not be trying to hurt them and you may care for them , but you do not love them . Being nice and loving people are two different things. You may come to love them someday ,if and when all of this has passed, but not now. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Just FYI...I read the post you are referrring to you wrote. and my last post on here was strictly to do with the first post beginning this thread...so, if you read it I think you will see some of what you say above and what I stated in that post are similar! Yeah, I know. I was just restating my earlier post, because I thought what I had to say was important to the thread. Since that post isn't here, I wasn't sure if anyone had even read it. Link to post Share on other sites
suchislife Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 The writing is on on the wall. If he can't show up and doesn't let you know, he is letting you KNOW. You better always have alternate arrangements for your child. I have a feeling you will be on your own with this. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Being nice and loving people are two different things.Exactly! Link to post Share on other sites
the_total_package Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 she is part of your son's life, too. She's married to the baby's father, she's basically the stepmother. It is actually good that she is trying to develop a relationship with her husband's son because they are going to have to get to know each other and develop a relationship. You're going to have to realize that sometimes you are going to have to be in the presence of the woman that MM chose over you (and stayed married to), and you are going to have to see her sometimes. Your child is going to be at her house, so she is probably going to be cooking with your child and spending time with him and developing a relationship with your son. So...I don't see what the problem is with her picking up her husband's son...you'll just have to get over this. May I ask, in the first place were you trying to trap the guy by pulling an "oops, I'm pregnant." look how that backfired. Also if I were MM's wife, I think it is a good strategy to keep him away from you when at all possible. I think you're more upset at the fact that you didn't get to see him and make google eyes with him and possibly try to get him to sleep with you later more than anything. Link to post Share on other sites
shellys-trying Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 I think you should feel lucky considering how your child came to be in the first place is because of your and your MM's selfishness. Link to post Share on other sites
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