Backing away from MM?

[bellababygirl]

I have been re-reading a lot of the posted advice on several threads (not just mine). And, having the week away from my MM has given me a little time to think...

 

He will be back tomorrow. He is completely use to me adoring him...attention, text messages, emails, phone calls, excitement for when he is coming over...etc. etc. etc. On days we have had disagreements he calls me concerned and especially if I am not my normal "optimistic idealist sexygirl" as he calls me.

 

I am struggling because I love him. There is nothing more I want than our time we spend together. But, what is ever going to come of it? Other than more children at the rate we are going! I mean, seriously, he says all the right things (well, most the time) and he hasn't "run for cover" because of our son coming.

 

But, as many of you have pointed out...he is a MM. He did lie from the beginning...what do I really know of him? How could we ever have any type of normal life? I would always be the OW...and I dont know that I would be the only OW?

 

We have a son coming...so I have to keep the door open for that relationship between my MM and our son. But, my question is how do I back away? I feel so weak when he is around. I cant say no. It's ridiculous...his ringer goes off on my phone and I am so quick to answer. I love him and it is the most difficult situation to try and reject (in a sense) his company. I dont want to...but continuing, well, where does that lead?

 

I dont want to date any other man. If I just dont call him, text him, email him, etc. which I have not done since he left (I am sure he will notice when he returns tomorrow) what do I do when he calls? How do I explain to him that I love him, but what we have has no place to go? Is that how I should handle it? Just not initiate any contact? Let it all come from him only?

 

I am worth more than "leftovers" as so many members have pointed out. However, I am sure that my MM will continue to have OW if I am here or not...I know that is horrible, but hey, I met him on a singles website and he pursued me...not the other way around. I know he was seeing OW when we began dating, but I thought he was a single guy and we just began to date so I couldnt say much about it.

 

How do I back away from him, gracefully, without becoming bitter, petty and hurting the bridge that needs to be open for our son?

 

And, what do I do if he doesn't want to let me back away? If he pursues me further...tries to convince me it will work...things will change???

 

This is a serious decision I must make...so please no spiteful hateful comments. He comes home tomorrow...I may not have another chance, anytime soon, where he has been gone long enough for me to have the strength to try and back away! Thanks everyone!

[cbl]

Bella, all OWs stories are pretty much the same. Most MMs (especially those who claimed they will never get a divorce) meet with OWs at their convenience. If anything comes up that would endanger their marriage, they back away. And OWs almost always feel that they are never the first. Always after wife, kids, work, even his cats and dogs and house repairs.

 

I have been following your thread and understand that you don't plan to get married again - then you do need to invest sometime thinking about what it is that you want in life. Do you want someone for you in the long term, help you to share the responsibilities raising the kids? Are you open to the idea of being the OW for the rest of your life? Or are you OK with being OW for the short term and then later on when you see the right guy you'll leave your current situation? I know you are confused because so much has happened in a short term. But the point is, you don't have to make the decision NOW if you can't. There's no point to rush into a decision like this. Not at this moment. This moment is to think what's the best for your kids (and not just "this one", but all your three)

 

Sorry I can't offer more advise. Everyone's situation is different. Yours is probably overwhelming, to most, if not all.

 

But if I were you, I would probably ask a big sum of money and then just run away where he'll never find me. Find someone single and start my own business

 

Best of luck.

[bellababygirl]

Bella, all OWs stories are pretty much the same. Most MMs (especially those who claimed they will never get a divorce) meet with OWs at their convenience. If anything comes up that would endanger their marriage, they back away. And OWs almost always feel that they are never the first. Always after wife, kids, work, even his cats and dogs and house repairs.

 

I have been following your thread and understand that you don't plan to get married again - then you do need to invest sometime thinking about what it is that you want in life. Do you want someone for you in the long term, help you to share the responsibilities raising the kids? Are you open to the idea of being the OW for the rest of your life? Or are you OK with being OW for the short term and then later on when you see the right guy you'll leave your current situation? I know you are confused because so much has happened in a short term. But the point is, you don't have to make the decision NOW if you can't. There's no point to rush into a decision like this. Not at this moment. This moment is to think what's the best for your kids (and not just "this one", but all your three)

 

Sorry I can't offer more advise. Everyone's situation is different. Yours is probably overwhelming, to most, if not all.

 

But if I were you, I would probably ask a big sum of money and then just run away where he'll never find me. Find someone single and start my own business

 

Best of luck.

 

It's a little strange he has mentioned a couple of times that he could never leave his wife. I always respond the same to him, "I NEVER ASKED YOU TO!" Sometimes it makes me feel like he wants me to ask him to leave his wife, but he knows I would not marry him...not just because of him...I just dont ever want to get married again. I would live with my mate (for lack of a better term) but I dont want to marry. I am pretty sure he is confident in the fact that I have no desire to create any disharmony with his W or in their life. I am just not that type of person.

 

As far as being happy remaining the OW? Well, no, I am not happy. I never would have been an OW if he had not lied to me to begin with. I would never date a MM knowingly. So, no, I cant live my life as an OW forever...I asked for the advice above because I dont think I can live as an OW even in the short term.

 

I love him, truly...and I cant just ask for money and run. One, its not about money for me...my heart is involved...if I wanted a guy to take care of me there are lots of single ones out there. But, we have a child...I will always have to keep that door open for our son...its not something my MM or I deserve...but it is the right of our son to have the opportunity to have a relationship with both parents.

 

So, will he let me go??? If he does...he does...how do I initiate it even though my heart doesnt want it? And, if he doesnt let me go how do I handle that?

[cbl]

I love him, truly...and I cant just ask for money and run. One, its not about money for me...my heart is involved...if I wanted a guy to take care of me there are lots of single ones out there. But, we have a child...I will always have to keep that door open for our son...its not something my MM or I deserve...but it is the right of our son to have the opportunity to have a relationship with both parents.

 

i agree with you. you need to do what's best for your kid. but i don't know how much love your kid is going to get from your MM... you know him. so you know better. but when you talked about his reactions to those names that you picked for the baby, i had a bad feeling. i hope he comes around soon. maybe it's just hard for him to imagine... to have a baby with you. you are the one who's carrying the baby inside your body, not him. he needs to be reminded of the situation he's in - and i am sure he will soon.

 

 

So, will he let me go??? If he does...he does...how do I initiate it even though my heart doesnt want it? And, if he doesnt let me go how do I handle that?

 

i like this comment from a poster where he responded to this OW, when she said she's ready to throw in the towel. he said, "when you are ready to throw it, i'll help you throw it far, far away". not in a sarcastic way... but i mean, are you sure you asked this because you think this is the best for you to do it now? and not because you are just confused at this moment?

[bellababygirl]

i agree with you. you need to do what's best for your kid. but i don't know how much love your kid is going to get from your MM... you know him. so you know better. but when you talked about his reactions to those names that you picked for the baby, i had a bad feeling. i hope he comes around soon. maybe it's just hard for him to imagine... to have a baby with you. you are the one who's carrying the baby inside your body, not him. he needs to be reminded of the situation he's in - and i am sure he will soon.

 

 

 

 

i like this comment from a poster where he responded to this OW, when she said she's ready to throw in the towel. he said, "when you are ready to throw it, i'll help you throw it far, far away". not in a sarcastic way... but i mean, are you sure you asked this because you think this is the best for you to do it now? and not because you are just confused at this moment?

 

 

I am not sure of anything right now. I love him...but he doesnt know how he is going to feel when our son is here, as he has said. I think he is confused as well, I cant imagine what he must be thinking about becoming a father again at his age...

 

He asks me freqently why I love him??? Am I sure I can be happy with him in the future...ten years...etc...and how do I know that? It always seemed strange to me...almost a hint of insecurity. I never understood it. I have no doubts regarding my love, affection and attraction for him...age is not an issue for me.

 

So, do you think I should just leave things as they are for now? Not initiate any type of change?

[cbl]

i mean sleep over it for a few days at least. i don't see why it is so critical that the decision has to be made over this weekend... unless it has something to do with you handing him the business card of your lawyer? during your pregnancy you need all the support that you can get. i don't know how much support emotionally as well as financially that you can get from him, your family members, friends, etc. or if you can do this all by yourself. anyone in your situation will be practical about it.

 

but then, staying in the OW situation is doing no good for anybody. anyone would recommend to leave the situation as soon as possible.

 

one thing that i am not sure is whether he's as confused as you think that he is. he's probably not confused about himself... but about you. being at the age of 61, he's probably done all and learned all, and knows exactly what he wants... but then what do i know? estalished business people have their own ways of measuring themselves and seeing things in their life and each and every individual is still different.

 

one thing i am pretty sure is that you need to decide what you want to do outside your life with his. you can be unsure about your future with him, but you have to be sure about your own future. and take control over your life.

 

take care.

[Seen_It_All]

I think he is confused as well, I cant imagine what he must be thinking about becoming a father again at his age...

Confused about what? Aww poor guy - lied about being single on a dating site, found yet ANOTHER victim to manipulate (you) but was too stupid to use birth control. I really don't get it - all that LYING and MANIPULATING that he does on a daily basis (plus juggling multiple OW..surely you don't think you're his ONLY one, do you?) takes alot of work and effort. However, putting on a condom does NOT. Too bad he's 'confused.' That's the chance he takes when he wants to act like a pig.

 

Let's face it - the guy's a lying serial cheater who manipulates women for his own selfish purposes. Just the freakin' nickname he has for you says it all - you're a pleasant sexual diversion for him and nothing more. Has he already lined up his next victim now that you're getting bigger and can't dedicate your entire life to being his little adoring sex kitten?

 

The guy puts his profile on dating sites and lies about being available - I believe the word for that would be 'predator.' This low life preys on innocent women looking merely to find a relationship. He's a PIG. I can't say it enough. Scumbags like him make me puke.

 

The best gift you could GIVE yourself is to dump this loser like the plague he is. Expect to give birth alone, expect to bring the baby home alone, and expect NOTHING from this creep until you're healed from birth - then he'll be back around looking for sex again. He's repulsive.

[blueyes77]

I promise its not easy at all reading this makes me feel a little better that i am not the only woman that has a child by her MM but its nt easy at all to let go its not i have told myself i was going to stop but every time i talk to him its like it all goes out the window im just like you i dont want to ever get married again or even live with a man but im in love with my MM and we have a 3 month old little girl and sometimes i think that is what stops me from breaking it off but than other times i think is what im doing right for her cause she only sees him twice a week but when you figure out what to do please share it with me cause i dont have a clue hope it works out for you cause some days i dont even know what im suppose to think

[bellababygirl]

I promise its not easy at all reading this makes me feel a little better that i am not the only woman that has a child by her MM but its nt easy at all to let go its not i have told myself i was going to stop but every time i talk to him its like it all goes out the window im just like you i dont want to ever get married again or even live with a man but im in love with my MM and we have a 3 month old little girl and sometimes i think that is what stops me from breaking it off but than other times i think is what im doing right for her cause she only sees him twice a week but when you figure out what to do please share it with me cause i dont have a clue hope it works out for you cause some days i dont even know what im suppose to think

 

 

I feel you! He returns today from being gone for work. I have been so strong and not called, emailed, or texted him while he has been away for nearly a week. But, I know he will call and I know my weakness is going to win and I will answer. That is why I posted this thread...what if I didnt answer? How do you walk away from someone you love and want to be with but know the relationship has no where to go, exceopt stay stagnate and produce possibly more children! It SUCKS! I would never have chosen to become pregnant, much less pregnant by a MM.

 

Like I said he is incredicle, thats what I thought in the beginning...with the exception of the lies, cheating, and being a MM. I know his actions are dispicable...why is he so addicitve? Why does everything seem so right when we are together???

 

I hate being weak...

[puddleofmud]

If you hate feeling so weak, then how will you feel about yourself ten years from now if you continue to choose to be weak and let a man (any man) control you?

Ask me and I will tell you from experience: there is no self-loathing that is worse then stunting one's own growth.

You keep asking what to do if HE won't let you go...

As long as you retain that mindset where you do not internalize that YOU belong to YOU then there will always be a "HE" whom you allow to control you.

You are correct. It is not about money, sex, or age. It is about attitude and self-awareness.

Something more powerful than you has opened something powerful within you! This is your gift--a window of opportunity to change what is the rest of your life.

Do YOU want to be 61 and be like him or do you want to 61 and be what you are destined?

NO ONE decides your choices other than you, so you do what you feel that you can live and die with.

You are the only judge of that...

[bellababygirl]

It is through the evening and even though I have thought of calling him I have not. This is making me crazy...why do I even want to call him? I miss him...UNH! If I can get through the night and not call him maybe tomorrow will be easier???

[whichwayisup]

Put on some music, take a bath and just relax.

 

Spend time with your kids, keep busy and GO OUT and DO stuff with the kids...This way you're not at home waiting for him to call, and the busier you are, the less he'll be on your mind. It won't kill you NOT to talk to him for abit longer...Sure it may tug at your heart strings but so what? THAT is what you have to tell yourself. You would like to hear from him, but you don't NEED to. Big difference...

[bellababygirl]

Put on some music, take a bath and just relax.

 

Spend time with your kids, keep busy and GO OUT and DO stuff with the kids...This way you're not at home waiting for him to call, and the busier you are, the less he'll be on your mind. It won't kill you NOT to talk to him for abit longer...Sure it may tug at your heart strings but so what? THAT is what you have to tell yourself. You would like to hear from him, but you don't NEED to. Big difference...

 

We just got back from the movies, me and the boys. It is their bedtime...we've been out all afternoon since I picked them up from school. Its like I purposefully avoided coming home. God, I just want to throw my phone in a sink of water...I know that sounds ridiculous...

 

I am taking the boys to Disneyland this weekend, so that should keep us busy for a good day...now if I can resist him calling me??? I dont know...I think I will go take a bath and listen to some Jazz...maybe it will make me sleepy. Insomnia keeps me up until about 3 to 4 am every night...my OBGYN is going to kill me next week for not putting on any weight...Its just the stress of all this is tearing me up...

[whichwayisup]

...my OBGYN is going to kill me next week for not putting on any weight...

 

Start eating french fries. A friend of mine had to do that while pregnant...It kicks in your appetite too, as well as the fats that your body needs.

[Guest]

i don['t really feel like you have a decision to make. the decision should have been made when you realized that he was married. what decision is there for you to make now? he's going to keep telling you stuff just so that you will be there in the future when he needs you at his convenience.

 

i mean, he's not going to just leave his family for you. point blank! furthermore, the more that you are there for him, the more he feels that he has you at his convenience. otherwise, he would be like "man, i need to leave my wife for this woman". he's not going to do that. your only other option is to just have him as a "baby daddy". you love him, but he doesn't love you. if he did, he would be with you and only you. the decision has already been made. you should learn to listen to a guy's actions vs his words.

[bellababygirl]

Start eating french fries. A friend of mine had to do that while pregnant...It kicks in your appetite too, as well as the fats that your body needs.

 

I was training for competition when I met my MM...body building/fitness. I have had a very strict diet for a long time...minimal carbs, lots of protein, veggies, portein shakes, etc...I even cut my cardio down from an 80 minutes 5 times a day to 45 minutes 4 times a day. With my training I no longer lift heavy weights...I dropped dramatically to low weight with higher reps. However, I just either dont feel like eating, all I want to do is sleep...probably because I have insomnia and cant sleep at night...so I want to sleep all morning...and when I do eat I tend to get full so quickly I find it diffiuclt to eat full meals.

 

I have been trying to eat dairy, cheese and crackers, nuts things like that that are high in fats...I dont know if I could eat fried foods. It has been years since I have eaten fried foods and it would probably make me sick. Also, I am concerned about putting on too much weight and my MM not finding me attractive anymore. I know that should be the least of my concerns. He says he loves the fact my breasts size has gone from a DD to an E, but I dont think the hard round tummy is very exciting for him! I am so stupid...

[YoMomma]

I was training for competition when I met my MM...body building/fitness. I have had a very strict diet for a long time...minimal carbs, lots of protein, veggies, portein shakes, etc...I even cut my cardio down from an 80 minutes 5 times a day to 45 minutes 4 times a day. With my training I no longer lift heavy weights...I dropped dramatically to low weight with higher reps. However, I just either dont feel like eating, all I want to do is sleep...probably because I have insomnia and cant sleep at night...so I want to sleep all morning...and when I do eat I tend to get full so quickly I find it diffiuclt to eat full meals.

 

I have been trying to eat dairy, cheese and crackers, nuts things like that that are high in fats...I dont know if I could eat fried foods. It has been years since I have eaten fried foods and it would probably make me sick. Also, I am concerned about putting on too much weight and my MM not finding me attractive anymore. I know that should be the least of my concerns. He says he loves the fact my breasts size has gone from a DD to an E, but I dont think the hard round tummy is very exciting for him! I am so stupid...

 

How far along are you? So you are a professional in women's fitness competitions...are these the ones that are held in Florida?

[GreenEyedLady]

JUST WANTED TO REMIND EVERYONE:

 

Be careful with the personal information that you post on this forum...

 

BELLA think about what I just said...

[LucreziaBorgia]

I find it sad that you would sacrifice the health of your own unborn child just to keep yourself "attractive" for the MM.

[pricillia]

How far along are you? So you are a professional in women's fitness competitions...are these the ones that are held in Florida?

 

 

Why is this relevent to her situation?

 

and I don't think that she is trying to stay attractive for MM, she was who she was before she met him, and she will be who she is after she is done with him.

[YoMomma]

Also, I am concerned about putting on too much weight and my MM not finding me attractive anymore. I know that should be the least of my concerns. He says he loves the fact my breasts size has gone from a DD to an E, but I dont think the hard round tummy is very exciting for him! I am so stupid...

 

 

Why is this relevent to her situation? and I don't think that she is trying to stay attractive for MM, she was who she was before she met him, and she will be who she is after she is done with him.

 

Actually in her own words she is 'concerned' that he isn't find her attractive with her 'hard round tummy, but loves her larger breasts! How sad is that? :rolleyes:

[pricillia]

Actually in her own words she is 'concerned' that he isn't find her attractive with her 'hard round tummy, but loves her larger breasts! How sad is that? :rolleyes:

 

 

And why is that different from how any other pregnant woman feels... being a OW or not it seems pretty normal to me..

 

Why is that sad men and women both want to be desired by the one that they love...

 

No one is to supreme to be above that no one.

[YoMomma]

And why is that different from how any other pregnant woman feels... being a OW or not it seems pretty normal to me..

 

Why is that sad men and women both want to be desired by the one that they love...

 

No one is to supreme to be above that no one.

 

Well let me see, both times I was pregnant my husband loved everything about me being pregnant! I never for once felt that he didn't desire me or love me because I was getting 'bigger'. Who said anything about anyone being supreme?

[pricillia]

Well let me see, both times I was pregnant my husband loved everything about me being pregnant! I never for once felt that he didn't desire me or love me because I was getting 'bigger'. Who said anything about anyone being supreme?

 

 

That is good for you then!

[GreenEyedLady]

I know alot of women feel insecure about their bodies, period...and when you're pregnant it's magnified...

 

I feel great about my body now, but when I was pregnant, I couldn't even see my feet (i'm petite and my babies were BIG)...boy, it sucks to not be able to tell if your shoes match...have to make sure you have the pair right BEFORE you put them on...

 

I didn't enjoy pregnancy, but I sure LOVE my babies...