Backing away from MM?

[bellababygirl]

Nah', Bellas already taken advice she reads here . She seems a decent girl in a bad sitch . She I think will see a way out of the connection to this MM , reguardles if it's right now or in six months . however as she is having his child , he'll be around in some form or another . She does not view the A in the same way I've seen a lot of other OW view it . I think she just got in over her head is now pregnant and is trying to figure it out .

 

I do take advice given here...and more so than I would that of family and friends as I think they are going to be biased in the situation since so close to me. Things are very confusing right now...my MM works non-stop and when I have time with him everything is wonderful...but nothing is more lonley than when he is away...

 

I havent made any decision on where his and mine R. is going other than it has to go somewhere...lonliness and waiting on the sidelines is not something I will do, especially when our son arrives.

 

Yes, I am in over my head. I fully admit that...if I wasn't I wouldn't be here looking for advice. My MM called me today. He is still on the East coast and wont be home until late Sunday night. Well, he have both agreed not to have him spend the night until we have a place together and more time for my other children to understand he is a definite presence in our home...he is very thoughtful for my other two sons feelings. He is always asking if they are alright, do they need anything, am I being a good mommy, etc. etc. But he always asks about them.

 

Anyway, he called me tonight...he sounded so tired. He has these meetings that are running like 12 hours a day and he calls me between them. it is wearing on him...I can hear it in his voice...but it was bad tonight, our last call. He just said he wished he was here with me and not at that stupid meeting...(he rarely ever uses the word stupid...it's almost like a cuss word for his vocabulary)...he said he couldnt wait to see me Monday when he got back.

 

Well, I reminded him that I had a root canal (which my OBGYN had to preapprove and I am not looking forward to since I have never had one!) and that I probably wouldnt be up to visiting, then on Tuesday I have to spend the day at the gentics clinic and getting an amnio...so Tuesday wasnt a good day either. He sounded so disappointed, but still reassured me that my Valentines Day surprise would make everything better...and to please rest and take care of myself and be a good mommy.

 

I just told him that I would take care of him when he came home...and to please rest tonight. I hate it when he sounds like that...I worry about him pushing himself so hard all the time...When I tell him that he says, "I Know I am an idiot."

 

I love him, but when he seems to get relaxed and comfortable with me he gets conflicted. When he is here he never wants to leave...in fact, any meeting he has after he leaves me he is always late too. He puts me in the situation to demand a D. from him...but I just cant do that. I know he is looking for me to say it...he keeps baiting me with the topic and I keep telling him he has to make his own decisions I wont press him for that.

 

I am so confused right now...I love him...and I can feel the baby moving right now...he is so active at night...sorry distracted...

 

Umm...anyways, so, I welcome and do read all positive advice (and yes, constructive critisism is positive advice) but I do not appreciate nor find hateful accusations and judgements helpful nor worthy of response.

[YoMomma]

Yes, I am in over my head. I fully admit that...if I wasn't I wouldn't be here looking for advice. My MM called me today. He is still on the East coast and wont be home until late Sunday night. Well, he have both agreed not to have him spend the night until we have a place together and more time for my other children to understand he is a definite presence in our home

 

He sounded so disappointed, but still reassured me that my Valentines Day surprise would make everything better...and to please rest and take care of myself and be a good mommy.

 

 

 

Bella! That is great that he has decided to move in and get a place with you and your children... I am sure VD will be wonderful for the both of you :rolleyes:

 

 

 

[bellababygirl]

Bella! That is great that he has decided to move in and get a place with you and your children... I am sure VD will be wonderful for the both of you :rolleyes:

 

 

 

We never know what VD surprises hold...but I will post after our celebrations...

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Congratulations on your baby and hope all is well with you.

 

Well, your MM is full of crap.

 

Try and get him to give you some money deposited in your account for the sake of the baby so that you don't have to deal with attorneys and all that stuff. See if you can do that.

 

If you want to stay with him you'll have to be some kind of cortesan, like in the old times the Chinese emperors had, a bunch of women. Be pleasant and you'd be one more. And that's it.

 

If you continue with the bitching, no matter how understanding he sounds on the phone, he is going to send you through a tube.

 

You can't handle him. He is too full of crap for you and you are never going to get him to do what you want.

 

Just get some money if you can (since he has billions like you said) and don't expect more than that. Be lucky if he gives you more, but I doubt he'll be fond of giving you any money at all.

 

Best of luck,

 

Ariadne

[bellababygirl]

Hi,

 

Congratulations on your baby and hope all is well with you.

 

Well, your MM is full of crap.

 

Try and get him to give you some money deposited in your account for the sake of the baby so that you don't have to deal with attorneys and all that stuff. See if you can do that.

 

If you want to stay with him you'll have to be some kind of cortesan, like in the old times the Chinese emperors had, a bunch of women. Be pleasant and you'd be one more. And that's it.

 

If you continue with the bitching, no matter how understanding he sounds on the phone, he is going to send you through a tube.

 

You can't handle him. He is too full of crap for you and you are never going to get him to do what you want.

 

Just get some money if you can (since he has billions like you said) and don't expect more than that. Be lucky if he gives you more, but I doubt he'll be fond of giving you any money at all.

 

Best of luck,

 

Ariadne

 

Thanks for your advice. This Valentines Day talk is going to address a lot of our issues at current. Including time, money, everything...So, what his long talk and big surprise for me may make that talk easier...maybe not...but i will keep the thread posted. Thank you really, very much for the honest concern...it is a lonley difficult road to love someone that can make you so happy and so miserable at the same time...

[LilDarlin]

Wait a minute....I'm lost.

 

First you say you don't want anything from him (except money) and now you are going to demand that he live with you?

 

Are you going to give his wife his new address?

 

Your story does not make sense. How desperate does one have to be to be in love with, and get pregnant by a married man whose entire relationship with you was based on a lie?

[Impudent Oyster]

Bella! That is great that he has decided to move in and get a place with you and your children... I am sure VD will be wonderful for the both of you :rolleyes:

 

 

 

 

Huh? He's moving in with her? Where does it say that? I thought he was just going to get a place for them for when he comes to town?

 

Well if he is going to be moving, I certainly hope he tells his wife where he lives now!

[bellababygirl]

Wait a minute....I'm lost.

 

First you say you don't want anything from him (except money) and now you are going to demand that he live with you?

 

Are you going to give his wife his new address?

 

Your story does not make sense. How desperate does one have to be to be in love with, and get pregnant by a married man whose entire relationship with you was based on a lie?

 

I never said I wanted money from him and nothing else.

 

I dont care if his BW has the address we are at...she can come over and visit anytime...as long as she is civil and respectful I would share our home, life, children, and all that our children (hers and mine) would have in common...I would do whatever is necessary to promote a relationship with all the children and those people invovled in the childrens lives.

 

I wasnt desparate...I beleived I was dating a single guy and didnt know I was pregnant or lied to until after already pregnant...so, remaining in love with someone whom you loved and are carrying his son before you found out he lied...well, people stay with those they love that lie to them all the time...

[bellababygirl]

Huh? He's moving in with her? Where does it say that? I thought he was just going to get a place for them for when he comes to town?

 

Well if he is going to be moving, I certainly hope he tells his wife where he lives now!

 

 

Dont worry, after Valentines Day everyone will get the update...and see what the BW knows at that point!

[Impudent Oyster]

Dont worry, after Valentines Day everyone will get the update...and see what the BW knows at that point!

 

I can't wait. This is better than "As the World Turns".

[YoMomma]

Thanks for your advice. This Valentines Day talk is going to address a lot of our issues at current. Including time, money, everything...So, what his long talk and big surprise for me may make that talk easier...maybe not...but i will keep the thread posted. Thank you really, very much for the honest concern...it is a lonley difficult road to love someone that can make you so happy and so miserable at the same time...

 

Oh.... how romantic this all sounds!

:love:

[whichwayisup]

Look, now both you and the MM are making a fool of her. It's unfair and cruel Bella. You two are having a child together and it seems from what you've said he wants to move in with you...Well, DO the right thing and get him to talk to his wife about what is going on. She deserves the choice to stay or end the marriage. And, seeing as your MM is famous, a real stand up guy in the community, I would hope that HE of all people would want to DO the right thing as well - BE an example of a good honest person, not someone who is about to move in with his OW, and hide it from his wife. I said this before, he's living a DOUBLE LIFE. It's selfish and I can't believe that you are allowing this to happen. Yes, I know you don't want to be married, maybe this is why you're not pushing things because you get the good stuff out of having an affair with him - No real committment...I don't know.

 

I hope after Valentines day she either knows the WHOLE truth of what is going on behind her back. It's sad and I feel for her.

[bellababygirl]

Look, now both you and the MM are making a fool of her. It's unfair and cruel Bella. You two are having a child together and it seems from what you've said he wants to move in with you...Well, DO the right thing and get him to talk to his wife about what is going on. She deserves the choice to stay or end the marriage. And, seeing as your MM is famous, a real stand up guy in the community, I would hope that HE of all people would want to DO the right thing as well - BE an example of a good honest person, not someone who is about to move in with his OW, and hide it from his wife. I said this before, he's living a DOUBLE LIFE. It's selfish and I can't believe that you are allowing this to happen. Yes, I know you don't want to be married, maybe this is why you're not pushing things because you get the good stuff out of having an affair with him - No real committment...I don't know.

 

I hope after Valentines day she either knows the WHOLE truth of what is going on behind her back. It's sad and I feel for her.

 

No, if we do move in together than he would have to tell her the truth...but, I am not going to be the one to malicioulsy call her and be one of those mean people who are like "ha ha I won..." no one wins...ever...in hurtful situations. My point of him and I spending more time together is to say that he would have to tell her in that instance...I dont see any other way he would have around it...so yes, I believe she will know soon...but he will have to tell her...

 

Because if we dont have time together that is satisfying in our R and for our son then I wont remain in the R. and I dont see how he could have that life with me without telling her...we will see how Val. Day talk goes and i will let everyone know...but, no I dont think she should be kept in the dark if he and i live together...so, something has to give...either he makes a decision one way or the other...either way is fine with me...I will handle it...it is being in limbo that is killing me...

[LilDarlin]

I feel sorry for the wife too. What a smarmy jerk. I agree that is very cruel to the wife.

 

I have a feeling he won't move in with you. No offense, but I doubt to him your relationship is worth half of everything he has.

 

I think you are full of unrealistic expectations. Sorry.

[bellababygirl]

I feel sorry for the wife too. What a smarmy jerk. I agree that is very cruel to the wife.

 

I have a feeling he won't move in with you. No offense, but I doubt to him your relationship is worth half of everything he has.

 

I think you are full of unrealistic expectations. Sorry.

 

I dont know how things will end up...hopefully Wed. we will have a lot decided...I wont stay in limbo...I want peace to enjoy the rest of our sons pregnancy and going back and forth is not the way to do it. So, whatever his decisions are I am prepared to handle that...but I want him to make a decision one way or the other....the situation is unfortuante for all involved.

[YoMomma]

I dont care if his BW has the address we are at...she can come over and visit anytime... quote]

 

I can just picture this.... OW, BS & MM sitting down having crumpets and tea... la de da

[cbl]

Bella.... i haven't had time to read all your posts in your threads. but have you thought about how to engage your attorney into your VD discussion with MM?

[whichwayisup]

...but I want him to make a decision one way or the other....

Why are you leaving it up to him? Why not take control of the situation for yourself. Put your health, your pregnancy first by telling him not to talk to you until he's talked to his wife. YOu can keep busy with your kids, friends and other family members. Right now you don't need the stress - So my whole point is, YOU can end the 'not knowing' by choosing for now to put yourself first. Seems the MM has too much control over you, your emotions and well being right now.

[veronese]

bella honey, your emotions are running so high right now you can't see how your reactions to others' opinions are just as dogmatic as theirs? Do you not see that you getting cross with them is exactly the same as them getting cross with you? It comes back to our feelings again. We all have them.

 

The following quote:

I

...she can come over and visit anytime...as long as she is civil and respectful I would share our home, life, children, and all that our children (hers and mine) would have in common...IQUOTE] shows how you portray yourself as a considerate, sensitive woman while also stating rules of your own that you expect BW to adhere to. She can visit anytime SO LONG as she is civil and respectful? Honestly bella, you'll have a long long wait before she is capable of that. You may be able to communicate with her unemotionally but don't expect her to return the sentiment.

 

What I think a lot of OW forget is that the BW is as much of unknown quantity as the MM. MM lies to the world and his wife and weaves a tangled web of deceit, his wife on the other hand is even more unpredictable.

 

BWs can lose the plot after DDay. Seriously lose the plot. Grief has strange effects on people and discovering a husband's infidelity can shock BWs so much they really are not in possession of their faculties. I speak from experience here!

 

The OW has the advantage of some forewarning if she knows her MM is married. The BW usually isn't and is unprepared when the sh*t hits the fan. Hoping to have a cordial, respectful response from a BW is as optimistic as hoping Michael Jackson turns back to his natural color. It aint gonna happen bella.

 

Maybe you should take a couple of days off LS and switch off from a bunch of strangers' viewpoints. The only opinions you have to worry about are those of your MM, his wife, and most importantly, your boys. Spending so much time on LS is taking your attention away from your boys, your home, your job, your friends...reading all the threads and posting your replies takes up a lot of time, time you could be doing something with or for the boys.

 

Take some time to think about how angry you get with certain posters here and their comments. You don't agree with them do you? The things they say really piss you off don't they? They don't see things the way you do which annoys you.

 

Then take a moment to consider how your MMs wife may feel. You get offended by opposing viewpoints on the subject of affairs and pregnancies with married men, can't you see that your MM's BW may be offended by your viewpoints also? Reflect on how intense your reactions have been to some of the posts here and compare that to the reaction you hope to get from BW. The people here aren't pregnant with your husband's baby but they've fired you up even so.

 

I wonder if your intentions are good bella but they come with conditions. If the BW is told about you and your baby and freaks out in a spectacular fashion, will you still retain your composure and remain calm? Will you be able to handle any unpleasant repercussions from her without losing your cool? Have you considered the possible eventualities that may befall you? Like BW coming round and ramming your teeth down your throat? Because that could happen whether you like it or not bella. And I don't think you'd like it. Why the hell would you? Who in their right minds welcomes harassment, aggression, abuse, disruption or fear? No-one would bella but being an OW you shouldn't dismiss the possibility of them happening.

 

Do you see? You expect from others what you wouldn't give them in return. Your affair and pregnancy will hit his wife hard so please try to understand it. You don't know this woman or how she feels or how she will react yet you seem to be hoping for her tolerance and compassion.

 

A word of advice bella, one thing BWs don't think OW deserve is their compassion (unless of course, the OW didn't know MM was married). If the OW knows he's married and continues being in a relationship with him the BW isn't likely to give a hoot about OW or her problems. In fact the BWs usually have the opinion that if the OW didn't care about BW or her children (which clearly they don't when they consider the MM's wife and children his responsibility, not theirs), then OW can expect a similar lack of concern in return. After all, the BWs didn't have an affair with the OW, their husband's did, so why should the BWs care if what they do makes the OWs life worse?

 

Take some time out bella and get ready for valentines day. I hope things go well and you have a good evening. Please give some thought to what I've said.

 

veronese

[whichwayisup]

Great post reply, V. You're amazing.

[veronese]

Great post reply, V. You're amazing.

 

If only it were true! But many thanks for the compliment all the same.

 

hugs to you WWIU

 

veronese x

[whichwayisup]

Hugs right back at ya. Your posts are always calm, well thought out and respectful.

[veronese]

Au contraire WWIU. Don't you remember how deranged I was when I arrived here a few years ago?! Calm, well thought out and respectful isn't how I'd describe myself back then!

 

That's why I wish everyone here could pause for thought and appreciate that when we are in the midst of personal turmoil we aren't able to see the bigger picture. No-one behaves particularly rationally when they're in the middle of crisis so let's try to give anyone going through the rollercoaster some slack while they ride it.

[veronese]

I'm a single mother in my early 20's, my family are poor (I am one of six children) and my parents can't really help me out with money, so I work as a stripper at night to make ends meet.

 

One night this guy came into the club where I work and took a shine to me. To cut a long story short we really get on well and he makes me really happy. I know I make him happy too. We've been dating for a while now and he's asked me to marry him and I've said yes.

 

The problem is he is 89 and a billionaire and everyone thinks I'm only marrying him for his money and that he doesn't really mean it. They think a man like him with his money would never want to marry someone like me. But I think he really means it cos we've started organizing the wedding already and I've chosen my dress and shoes and all.

 

Am I being stupid to believe him? I know he's 89 but his age isn't an issue for me. He wants to marry me so why shouldn't I?

 

Doesn't sound believable does it? But we all know this story and it turned out to be true.

[bellababygirl]

Bella.... i haven't had time to read all your posts in your threads. but have you thought about how to engage your attorney into your VD discussion with MM?

 

Yeah, I plan on giving him his business card and giving him the option of contacting him or I will have my attorney contact him if he declines...but I want him to have the option...