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Life after cheating?

Aussie65

By Aussie65,
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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Aussie65

Aussie65

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I caught my defacto boyfriend kissing another girl some weeks back now and although I have forgiven him and given him another chance I am really having a hard time with things to the point where I am emotionally breaking down at times and it's putting strain on things here.

I love this guy to bits,we are both mature adults....both been married before and both have two children each.I love being with him,love the way he holds me and calls me his honey,how he makes me cups of tea in the mornings before he goes off to work....but I am being eaten away inside by the thought of him being with this other girl.

The last days have been a nightmare and he now is blaming me for having issues,that it is me with the problem but he has recently told me that he has told almost every girl he has been with that he would never cheat again and he has...well I thanked him for his honestly*sarcasm* but where do I go from here?I live with this guy,have talked about marriage and spending a lifetime together and when I asked him if he would cheat again he tells me he doesn't know....that it's something he has to deal with and right now he loves me and wants to be with me and doesn't want anyone else.

I am feeling insecure and desperate and don't know what to do!I have spoken to a councellor and am now going to line up a meeting for him with the same guy.....do you think there is hope here?

I have asked him why he cheats and he says he does not know but he has done it for the last 16 years....the councellor believes it's an ego thing...regardless,I love him and want to be with him but I am scared to progress in the relationship for fear of being hurt.

Anyone here can offer me some advice?

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norajane

norajane

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De facto means in reality, or in fact, actual. That's in comparison to legally, or by law.

 

De facto segregation - segregation exists in fact, though not by law

De facto government - a body that rules, perhaps by military force, but not by legal authority

De facto corporation - a corporation that exists, but has not completed legal filings

 

It's a wierd term to use to describe a boyfriend, because there is no legal designation or authority for boyfriends.

 

So, you are causing confusion by using the term. I read that and thought you must mean he is acting like your boyfriend, but isn't "officially" your boyfriend...as in, you live together and have sex, but you're not a couple and are free to see other people or something.

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Aussie65

Aussie65

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De facto means in reality, or in fact, actual. That's in comparison to legally, or by law.

 

De facto segregation - segregation exists in fact, though not by law

De facto government - a body that rules, perhaps by military force, but not by legal authority

De facto corporation - a corporation that exists, but has not completed legal filings

 

It's a wierd term to use to describe a boyfriend, because there is no legal designation or authority for boyfriends.

 

So, you are causing confusion by using the term. I read that and thought you must mean he is acting like your boyfriend, but isn't "officially" your boyfriend...as in, you live together and have sex, but you're not a couple and are free to see other people or something.

 

 

I am Australian,we use the term "defacto" for unmarried couples that live together...I made the mistake of adding the BF on the end,that is all...

Anyhow,back to what this thread is about huh? :)

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norajane

norajane

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I am Australian,we use the term "defacto" for unmarried couples that live together...I made the mistake of adding the BF on the end,that is all...

Anyhow,back to what this thread is about huh? :)

 

Sure, now that we all know what the thread is about! ;)

 

If fidelity is important to you - and it sounds like it is - I don't see how you can plan a marriage and future with someone who straight up tells you that he doesn't know if he will cheat on you, especially when he has a 16 year history of cheating.

 

I think the insecurity would drive you crazy - always wondering if "this time" that he's late coming home if he's really just out with his buddies, or if he hooked up with someone else who caught his eye. You already caught him kissing someone else, so if I were you, I'd be thinking it's just a matter of time before he does something like that again.

 

Maybe if he seriously commits to therapy and works to change this part of himself, you can feel safe to trust him. He would really need to want to change, to really understand why he hasn't been able to remain faithful, to work through his issues.

 

I'm sorry to sound so pessimistic, but I have some experience with chronic cheaters. One of my good friends has been married for many years, has 5 children, and loves his wife and his kids and their life together very, very much. However, he still cheats. Even though he knows he's risking everything and would be devastated if his wife found out and left him, he still finds himself chatting up ladies he meets on his business travels, he still takes them on dates, and, if it comes to that, he has sex with them. My friend can't really explain why he does it. I think he has some unresolved controlling-mommy-issues; I think he likes the chase, the romance of the dates...he doesn't even really care about the sex, it's the thrill, the ego boost, the attention.

 

So, I'm saying, that a guy who can't help himself from sampling the goods isn't going to be able to stop doing so unless he commits to it. Do you think your bf would be able to say he really, really wants to remain faithful and would commit to therapy?

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Sure, now that we all know what the thread is about! ;)

 

If fidelity is important to you - and it sounds like it is - I don't see how you can plan a marriage and future with someone who straight up tells you that he doesn't know if he will cheat on you, especially when he has a 16 year history of cheating.

 

I think the insecurity would drive you crazy - always wondering if "this time" that he's late coming home if he's really just out with his buddies, or if he hooked up with someone else who caught his eye. You already caught him kissing someone else, so if I were you, I'd be thinking it's just a matter of time before he does something like that again.

 

Maybe if he seriously commits to therapy and works to change this part of himself, you can feel safe to trust him. He would really need to want to change, to really understand why he hasn't been able to remain faithful, to work through his issues.

 

I'm sorry to sound so pessimistic, but I have some experience with chronic cheaters. One of my good friends has been married for many years, has 5 children, and loves his wife and his kids and their life together very, very much. However, he still cheats. Even though he knows he's risking everything and would be devastated if his wife found out and left him, he still finds himself chatting up ladies he meets on his business travels, he still takes them on dates, and, if it comes to that, he has sex with them. My friend can't really explain why he does it. I think he has some unresolved controlling-mommy-issues; I think he likes the chase, the romance of the dates...he doesn't even really care about the sex, it's the thrill, the ego boost, the attention.

 

So, I'm saying, that a guy who can't help himself from sampling the goods isn't going to be able to stop doing so unless he commits to it. Do you think your bf would be able to say he really, really wants to remain faithful and would commit to therapy?

 

 

He wants to change and has agreed to councelling.I just know if I had known he was like this when I met him and before going into a live in arrangement with him I would never have even dated him but I am caught up in this now with the love I feel for him and when I am in his arms I know he loves me,he is always so affectionate and shows me heaps of attention,the sex side of things is secondary I know this so I do agree with what your saying norajane that he likes the chase and the thrill and YES he is very flirty!He addresses women as gorgeous and beautiful etc,he is a real charmer and I believe this is what gets him into trouble.

 

The councellor told me that he believed that he does it so he feels he still "has it".A midlife crisis type of situation where they know they are getting older so want to boost their egos....he does need to grow up and realise he is no longer a teenager!.

 

For now he is where I want him but I cannot know his whereabouts every day...he will need freedom within the relationship and I will need to fully trust again but it will take time and he needs to prove himself to me.He likes to go to the bar after work once a week with him work friends and I am trying so hard not to let this get to me...it's going to take time and I have told him this,I just hope he is patient and understanding enough and loves me enough to want to stick through these tough times with me.

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Madeamistake

Madeamistake

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Sure, now that we all know what the thread is about! ;)

 

If fidelity is important to you - and it sounds like it is - I don't see how you can plan a marriage and future with someone who straight up tells you that he doesn't know if he will cheat on you, especially when he has a 16 year history of cheating.

 

I think the insecurity would drive you crazy - always wondering if "this time" that he's late coming home if he's really just out with his buddies, or if he hooked up with someone else who caught his eye. You already caught him kissing someone else, so if I were you, I'd be thinking it's just a matter of time before he does something like that again.

 

Maybe if he seriously commits to therapy and works to change this part of himself, you can feel safe to trust him. He would really need to want to change, to really understand why he hasn't been able to remain faithful, to work through his issues.

 

I'm sorry to sound so pessimistic, but I have some experience with chronic cheaters. One of my good friends has been married for many years, has 5 children, and loves his wife and his kids and their life together very, very much. However, he still cheats. Even though he knows he's risking everything and would be devastated if his wife found out and left him, he still finds himself chatting up ladies he meets on his business travels, he still takes them on dates, and, if it comes to that, he has sex with them. My friend can't really explain why he does it. I think he has some unresolved controlling-mommy-issues; I think he likes the chase, the romance of the dates...he doesn't even really care about the sex, it's the thrill, the ego boost, the attention.

 

So, I'm saying, that a guy who can't help himself from sampling the goods isn't going to be able to stop doing so unless he commits to it. Do you think your bf would be able to say he really, really wants to remain faithful and would commit to therapy?

 

 

You read my thoughts to be exact!

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