Friends, FWB, then boom! crash....

[kkat]

This is an entirely unique situation to any I have EVER had in my long dating life.

 

Help with some advice or insight please?

 

Scenerio:

I'm single, live in the city, work from home, spend lots of time jetting in and out of my apartment to run errands and walk my dog. I'm super friendly and know lots of people on the street, the workers from the street, the dog people and dog walkers, etc.

 

I got to know my UPS delivery man over the past 2-3 years - like most of us on the street do. His route is a two block radius, so he is literally here all day long, 5 days a week. I see him constantly and he's always chatting me up, asking me where I'm going/coming from, how's my dog, wassup, wassup, wassup....

 

After about a year it progressed to "do you have a boyfriend...when are we going out....blah blah blah." And some more slightly indepth conversations - his real estate investments, my work out progress, etc. etc. And whenever he came to my apartment for a delivery (1-3x a week) more chit chat..

 

About 6-8 mths ago, he ended up with my phone number (mobile) which I don't remember giving him. He started texting, I would respond, hi etc. . A couple texts here and there, and this went on for months.

 

BTW - I am about 10 years old than this fine young Usher look alike, and I am a white, extra curves lady. He is seriously fine.

 

Boom - 3 months ago - he goes in for the move again with the "when are you going out with me" bit. I usually would just laugh and keep walking, but that day I turned around and said, "oh how about Thursday night." He smiled as big as his truck, and said great. He followed up, picked me up for our date, and took me to a lovely restaurant and we had a great time. He kept saying that he couldn't believe how long it took us to do this, that he couldn't believe how much fun it was, etc. I was surprised when we got to my place he made NO MOVE whatsoever, nothing, but I thought hey - maybe he was just looking for friendship, and not booty as I had suspected might be the case.

 

Over the next few weeks, lunch at my place turned into a sexual encounter, and that led to lots of fun booty calls and "special deliveries". The sex was incredible, fun, and I was enjoying it alot. A couple of times I got upset that he wouldn't call me really in between or say hi on the phone or text randomly like he used to. Once I mentioned it, and he said that actually my texting him was a problem because it is so hard for him to text or call from his job. I was like, ummm, ok -- I thought this might be somewhat true but clearly he had managed to text and call - and hello - find time to bed me - while working, but I let it slide. I wasn't looking for anything too serious so it didn't matter to me.

 

Most of our encounters took place during the day, while he was working. A few times, he made plans to come to my place after work and we hung out, had sex, chilled, and he spent the night.

 

After one really nice sleepover, I left the next morning for holiday. He had made a special effort to spend that night with me (his idea) when he found out I was leaving the next day, and seemed upset that I was leaving and hadn't emphasized this to him.

 

Anyway, we had a great night, then I flew out of state for Christmas. I called and texted him several times during my 2 week trip. I received no reply from him. Nothing. At some point, never considering he was dissing me, I even left a message saying that I hoped he was OK, as I knew he has little family, his mother died recently and he never knew his father..and I wanted to wish him a good holiday season and hoped he was well.

 

When I returned, we spoke on the phone (I called him) and he said oh, he had just been working so hard, so busy, etc. He also implied that he had found my messages a bit annoying. I said, "oh look, I return phone calls from my friends, I reach out for my friends for holidays, etc. - I didn't mean to be annoying, and I didn't appreciate that you didn't call me back"... I didn't like his attitude about this but....

 

The next morning he showed up unexpectedly for the best sex of my life and he was hilarious, doing this whole "special delivery" routine. A few more romps like this over the next week then....

 

One night he called and I said I was going out. He texted me a few times that night saying "go home, I want to come see you"...I texted him back a playful text but didn't take him up on the offer....

 

Another discussion arose shortly thereafter with him expressing his feeling I had texted him too much again, and that it was a problem for him. I said I didn't think a couple of texts to confirm plans were excessive, but that ok, I'd keep that in mind.

 

He went into a big rant about how he felt that I didn't respect how hard he works, that I have no concept of the difference in my life and his, and that he "knew what I was used to, he had seen me for years, the guys I date, the flowers, the presents, their expensive cars, etc."...and he specifically kept mentioning one hot guy friend of mine, saying that he sees this guy on my street all the time, he "knows" he stays over at my apartment (never has!) and that he "knows" this guy is into me, etc. He is telling me all this at the same time that he is saying that my frequent texts concern him because he thinks I am getting more serious, and that he can't get serious, he never wants to get married, blah blah.

 

I giggled and said, look I love what we have going on - I would PREFER to go out a bit more, have you call a bit after sex - but I am SO NOT serious right now - I have no intentions other than in the moment. Plus, you are the one who seems quite jealous.

 

He left and then came back and said look, I want to do what you would like. I was shocked but it sounded great. We made plans for the next night to do what I wanted - dinner, spend evening together, him spend the night.

 

That night, I drunk dialed him around midnight. He became furious, apparently, altho I didn't realize it at the time. The next day, I called him to say, hey whats up for tonight - what time, etc. - as we had these plans he had made with me 24 hours before - he said "dont call me or text me ever again". Later that day, he threw a package in my lobby without having me sign for it, something he has never done in years.

 

I saw him on the street the next day, said hi in a friendly way, and he started up a conversation with me - like nothing had ever happened! Ten-fifteen minutes - and I had to go - so I said Ok gotta get back to work - talk later - have a great day...and left thinking ok maybe he is sorry, we'll see what happens....

 

I called him three days later to ask him to keep an eye out for my new computer coming via UPS that day....and he hung up on me. He texted me and said in an unbelievably aggressive and rude way - basically saying "I told you do not call or text me again EVER."....

 

I called him to find out what happened and why he was so upset. He hung up on me. I got so pissed that I left him a gazillion nasty text messages. (Stupid I know).

 

Since then, every single day I have gotten a UPS by some random delivery guy - so my guy has obviously got his buddies on adjacent routes delivering to me.

 

I saw him on the street, he wouldn't speak to me. I let a week pass, I texted him and said that again, I apologized for anything I did or said that offended him and that I wish we could chat and ease the tension.

 

He texted me back and said that he was changing his phone number so I would leave him alone.

 

OK, I was involved with a MM for years and I know ALL the signs and signals. I asked this guy a million times if he had a wife or girlfriend and he always said no...and in fact, we had talked about once (way back when we were just friends on the street) that I had broken up with my boyfriend and it was Valentine's Day - this was last year - and he said oh could he take me out and emphasized he didn't have a girlfriend...he always said that.

 

People, what happened, is there anything I can do, and what can I learn from this to improve my behavior in the future. Am I am stalker????

[Raleuse]

OK the guy did not know what he wanted or was very bad at expressing it (this back and forth reminds me of my own friend but the situation is different) but you should have respected his many requests to stop texting and calling his mobile. Maybe someone at work saw your messages/meetings and reported him and he did get some warning from his superiors he was taking too much of his working time to fool around? Maybe he does have someone else (I did think about that too of course). The bottom line is you did pressure him - I wouldn't call it stalking - and he's now feeling the need to change numbers. Just drop it and leave him be if that's what he wants (the no phone contact seems to be the only thing he definetely knew he wanted).

[Guest]

Yeah, just leave the guy alone and forget he ever existed. I think its more then you "texting" him. I think he got what he wanted and is now bored with you. He didn't seem to respect you all that much anyway.

[kkat]

I am really appreciative for your response to my post.

 

You make several EXCELLENT points, including:

 

The bottom line:

-He sent LOTS of mixed messages but...

-He was CLEAR that he wanted me to stop my (text) messages!

 

I realize, in hindsight, that I kept sending him messages because I refused to accept boundaries that weren't acceptable to me. Instead, I should have simply told him my boundaries and rules - e.g. that he had to have more day-to-day contact with me or I wouldn't be interested - and then let him decide if he wanted to change his boundaries or not.

 

Instead, I kept stepping over HIS boundaries.

 

Wow - I have not been in a normal, healthy relationship for about 15 years. I've been either alone or in unhealthy relationships. I have a lot to learn.

 

I also know I have tendencies to be a tad obsessive and controlling and thus my fear I behaved as a stalker, because I know I have been guilty of it in the past. So, I've committed to myself I will have no attempted contact with him for one month's time (anything longer than that seemed too hard to commit to) and after one month's time I will re-evaluate. I'm sure by then I will be over it anyway - as I feel better already.

 

Again thanks!