Girlfriend Told Two Lies

[vanexelfan]

Hi there,

 

just want to give you a quick story about my life. Sorry if they sound a lot like the other ones on here, but I am a little lost. I'll try and keep it brief but also give you the important bits.

 

Firstly, Me:

 

Raised in a Christian family. Brought up to believe in not having sex before marriage. Went out with a few girls. Have had one serious Long-Term Relationship with a girl. We went out for two and a half years. Were in love, but did not sleep together. We were waiting till marriage.

 

After this, I dropped my Christian values, I wanted to explore what else life has to offer.

 

Met this girl through work, and we started to date after about a year of a very casual friendship.

 

After dating for a month, we were at my place, when things got heated. We moved things to the bedroom, and I couldn't go through with it. I told her I was a virgin and of my past. This floored her. She was shocked. After a few weeks, we slept together. It was awesome.

 

After a few weeks, she told me 'just so you know, I am not very experienced.' She told me she had slept with no more than five guys.

 

She also told me that sex in our relationship was unlike anything she had ever experienced before. She told me that before me, she had never reached orgasm through sex. She experienced these new wonderful feelings unlike anything before.

 

After dating for seven months. She decided to come clean with me. After her first serious relationship, she went through a period of clubbing and 'hooking up' with guys. She had one purely physical relationship with a young gentleman. As well as this, she had two one night stands with randoms.

 

She also told me that she's never actually orgasm during sex. She had been faking it every time with me.

 

It's been over a month since she told me, and every day I struggle with this. The thoughts of her being with someone else. Sometimes I can handle it, sometimes I can't. I would love to think I am a bigger person, and can move past this, because it is her past.. But at the same time, it just hurts so much. I never asked her about her past.. she voluntarily lied about it.

 

I feel like such a fool because I knew this going into the relationship. But still, why did she lie? She says she lied because she's ashamed of what she did. Which I can understand, but don't think it justifies.

[hummingantelope]

She lied, most likely, because you hadn't been with anyone before, and she thought that if you knew about her experiences, you wouldn't want to be with her. It isn't right to lie. You have to think about how much it means to you that she lied about this. She did it to be with you, not to be with someone else or to hurt you. It is a hard call to make. It really depends on the relationship.

 

I posted about my situation some days before me (you can read some threads down). The post is sort of long though. To say it short, my situation is similar but not the same to yours.

 

My girlfriend told me she had been with one other guy who she loved and it was a long term relationship. She knew I was a virgin on our first night. Eventually I found out that she had seen some other guys, mostly for one night, before she met me.

 

It did bother me for a long time. Still today it can bother me a bit, but I think I can put it aside easier each time it comes up.

 

I know now that she's honest with me and the reason she did lie was because she knew I wouldn't be with her on our first night if she told me the truth. She was right about that. Our relationship may not have taken off. So she lied, and we had sex. A long time later, we're very much in love with each other.

 

It comes down to two things. The most important is how you feel about the person you're with. If it really bothers you and you don't love her, tell her that it isn't working for you. If you love her, there's more than just sex and jealousy there. Is it worth giving that up because she made mistakes (in our cases, even in her point of view they were mistakes) in the past? We've all made mistakes - if not regarding sex, with other things.

 

Then can you trust her? Talk to her about trust and what you expect. If you do love each other, that's a minor issue to work out. It will work out.

 

I know for me, all I have to do is remember the second time I saw my now fiancee and all of the discomfort about what she experienced in her past goes away. I love her more than anyone.

 

As far as you making her orgasm, that's a matter of learning about the person you're with. Communicate about and during sex and things will work out. There's plenty of "tutorials" about that kind of stuff in books and online, but if you two talk, I doubt you'll have problems.

 

It took me time to learn how to help my girlfriend to orgasm. She had told me I was the first guy to make her as well. When she finally told me about the other guys she was with before me, we agreed to be honest with each other about anything if the other really wanted to know. I wanted to test her so I asked her really personal stuff about what she had done and hadn't done (wasn't right of me, but I wanted to know if she'd tell me). She was honest. She had lied to me about that. At the same time, I wish that her experiences before she met me were much better than they were. I found myself being jealous of how I didn't do anything special for her that no one else did. Its stupid. Every moment I've been with her has been special, and that sort of thinking only lets my own insecurities show through. You don't need to worry about that stuff - just try to make her feel good now.

 

If she enjoys being with you, it doesn't matter what part got put where and who came when. It is different to her because she loves you. For some girls (not all, everyone's different) that makes a huge difference in how sex feels.

 

And remember, there's more to a relationship than sex. Just make sure you don't focus too much on one part of your feelings with her.

[Cecelius]

I can't figure out how many people that means she's been with. It still sounds like her number is in a normal range.

 

However, you know why she lied. She lied because she feels what she was doing was skanky, and she didn't want to lose a nice guy because of it. She lied because of your number and experience level, and she figured it would throw you a curve.

 

In my opinion, women who go through extreme promiscuity (like a body count that matches or exceeds their age) are trouble - there is some big hole in their head or heart that they were looking to fill up, and when they get to you, they think you're the answer. Rarely is that the case though.

 

So if you think her number is crazy, I would take it as a red flag.

The lie was completely understandable- stupid, silly, yes, but totally understandable (most guys lie to up their numbers, girls do the reverse).

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Yes she did lie. It may have been because she felt strange because you were a virgin and she was not - she wanted to appear as "virginal" as you, couldn't keep the lie up and told the truth.

 

However, the fake orgasms must be pretty painful - at one stage she made you feel like you were the best lover she ever had and then she took it all away by saying she had never orgasmed with you. That's a pretty big lie to tell. Again, it could be that she didn't want to tell you at first that she hadn't orgasmed in case she dented your pride.

 

She has a history - she has been with other men. That's something you have to get over - these experiences make her who she is...we are the sum of the experiences behind us.

 

She lied...but she did eventually tell you the truth. She may have been wrong to do this, as it's proved a painful truth to you. But the fact that she has told the truth could be that she really wants the relationship to work. That she wants to work toward a fuller sexual experience with you. That you know all of her, including her past. It could be a positive experience for both of you...