Guest Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 I'm pretty convinced this behaviour is abusive but would like to hear what other people think. Maybe he's right, maybe I'm the abusive/parnoid one? I am lucky that the "abuser" is only a friend (less so after yesterday) but I need to know. I have read the articles posted by CardPlay3r and he does score at least 12/20 IMO but then I score 6/20! Am I right to feel sorry for his wife-to-be? It all started as horseplay. I was visiting his place (lives with his folks) to see his newborn puppies (am getting one) and he started blocking my passage, then smacking my bum (not the first time - also will smack me in the face, not hard but humiliating). As I was smacking back, he got more aggressive and smacked a bit too hard to my liking so I just tried to leave but he just chased me and laid me on the floor (all in a "playful" mode). That did not hurt at all but I did feel useless and angry that he is too strong for me to stop him. This time I got really very angry and as he was blocking my leaving again I started hitting and tried to hit him in his "privates". I then managed to run away and met his father on the way out to whom I shouted I was not going to accept being mollested. When we talked later on, I told him his behaviour was unacceptable but he says I'm the one who hit him hard when he was only playing and he did not smack hard and is only being friendly to me. I told him smacking is not friendly and he said I was overreacting and I should never have told his dad as he did get an earbashing after that and I'm the paranoid, controlling, abusive one. He is making me doubt but when I read the articles, I think I may be right after all? He is verbally abusive to most people close to him. Criticising, belittling, nobody is never good enough. This is something that shocked me when I first saw it - the way he talks disrespectfully to his parents and family members or friends. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 Hi Guest, If you made it clear to your friend that you didn't like what he was doing, then what he was doing is abusive. Otherwise, I can see how a man might think he's just playing around. Still, you're not his significant other, so that kind of behavior is really strange, in my opinion. My husband started the physical abuse with physically moving me against my will. If I were sitting where he didn't want me to sit, he would pick me up and place me elsewhere. He then held me against my will and forced me to hug and kiss him. Even after I protested strongly, he would not let me go. Eventually the physical abuse became worse - slapping, hitting, shoving into walls, etc. So, I certainly don't blame you for feeling sorry for his wife-to-be. The signs this guy is exhibiting could mean trouble for her in the future. Are you close with her? Maybe you could give her the "Loser" article??? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 Hi Guest, If you made it clear to your friend that you didn't like what he was doing, then what he was doing is abusive. Otherwise, I can see how a man might think he's just playing around. Still, you're not his significant other, so that kind of behavior is really strange, in my opinion. Altho he defended himself saying that I was getting hysterical before he started becoming "physical" and I kind of asked for it. I did tell him to stop and tried to get away when he didn't (he keeps saying I like being smacked - I really don't - have told and texed him so). He also did move me when I tried to get away as he can so easily lift me. I have no idea if he's like that with his girlfriend whom I've never met but some family members once told me he only played like that with me. Even then I found it humiliating. There has been some attraction between us at some point but we left it to that and I'm now pretty glad we did. I'm sorry you had to experience such a violent husband. I've been brought up in an overall non-violent family and none of my friends have ever treated me like he does. I find it very hard to understand and from what I read there isn't much that can be done for such people as they are so adament they are right and the others are wrong (another trait of my friend whenever he doesn't agree with someone). Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 Uhmm, he's doing something he knows you don't like, you tell him to stop and he doesn't then he blames you for "asking for it". Isn't it obvious? Consider yourself lucky he's not your bf and dump him... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Uhmm, he's doing something he knows you don't like, you tell him to stop and he doesn't then he blames you for "asking for it". Isn't it obvious? Consider yourself lucky he's not your bf and dump him... Thought so too but he's been quite good at making me doubt myself. I am considering myself lucky as I have been picturing how it would've been had we been in a relationship. Thankfully, he now has stopped the bullying so my "hysterical outburst" may have worked. The only other persons he bullies like this to my knowledge is his own brother and a neighbour (guy). Again, could look like brotherly/guys fights only he always ends up the winner and his brother/neighbour submitting. He likes to brag about how his neighbour would be crying when they were playing as kids. To the others he is only mentally abusive (talking them down. Never heard him utter a compliment although he will defend them if someone else says something about them). Nobody else seems to find this unacceptable though. I guess his brother will soon move out to live with his fiancee but he's lived with that most of his teenage life and seems "used to it". Same goes for the others. Is that a normal reaction from those around abusive/narcissic people? Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 I agree with CardPlay3r here. There is no room in life for people like this guy. Just because he stopped temporarily doesn't mean he won't start up his abusive behavior again. Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Oh he's "only mentally abusive" to the rest and "only bullying 2 people". Swell guy lol...and you want this as your friend WHY ? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Oh he's "only mentally abusive" to the rest and "only bullying 2 people". Swell guy lol...and you want this as your friend WHY ? I don't know. I have read the book "codependent no more" and they clearly say that people like me should really concentrate on themselves rather than try and "help" others - especially others like hime - but I really wonder if and how he can be helped. He's still very young (20) and I think he will be very unhappy if that's the way he treats people. I've also read an article about mental abuse and how people like him need to put others down to feel better about themselves. Why can't I try and make him see he's going about it the wrong way. Everyone says 'leave him alone in his mess, there is no helping him' and I find this so sad. Link to post Share on other sites
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