Opportunity or time to let go?

[Kamille]

I've had a very intriguing exchange with Am4Real in another post about recent events involving an ex of mine. Well I don't even know if he's worth being called an ex because we never got past the 'dating' phase.

 

My question is, how should i view this situation... As an opportunity or as the time to let go?

 

This guy I was seeing left me because he had unresolved issues with his ex girlfriend. Basically she wanted him back and he decided to give it a go - since she had been his first love and he had a lot invested in the idea of her being 'the one'.

 

I was kind of supportive, telling him I deserved better then playing second fiddle and we were agreeing to end the romantic part of our friendship. For him , it meant, at first, completely extracting himself from any kind of contact with me. Guilt probably factored in, along with the fact that he wanted to put everything in his power into making it work with his ex.

 

And well. It didn't work out with his ex. So a bit before Christmas, he sent me a thinking of you e-mail and we eventually had an msn chat about everything. I was feeling pretty good about the whole thing and somewhat over it and the conversation went well. As usual he was very ambivalent. On the one hand he said that the 'great' times he and I shared caused confusion while he was trying to work things out with his ex, and also with a subsequent girl he was dating. On the other, he said that he still wasn't completely over his ex.

 

We chatted online a bit after that (we don't live in the same city right now) until it got to the point where I was looking foward to our conversations.

 

One day, he logs on, complains that he's feeling down and manages to squeeze in that hey, at least he met a cool girl last week. That night I felt incredibly annoyed by this conversation - definitely the cool girl part - and I wrote and eventually send a 'kick-in-the-butt' e-mail. He has been struggling with depression and I was urging him to stop focusing on his 'emotions' and starts focusing on his 'actions'.

 

He came on-line that night, thanked me for the kick in the butt and then proceeded to 'defend' himself. Namely, by implying that part of what I wrote was 'projection' ( i replied i can only speak from what I know - but i'm not the one always judging my days as to whether or not I'm feeling down), that I, unlike him, had better job security (he's a musician) and that he couldn't help but feel that what I said was only the 'tip of the iceberg' of what I really thought about him. (???) And that he couldn't help but feel that I was bitter. To which I replied, well, perhaps, given our history. He then urged me to talk about how I felt (??) and I told him that when we met I felt like we must have been related in a former life and that after that he just disappeared. Which might be where any bitterness came from on my side, as I did not get to know him enough for anything else.

 

The day after it hit me that he had somehow managed to turn it around and make it about me. Why would he do that?

 

Anyways - I decided it was way past my due date to go NC. But Am4real urged me to focus and remembering the feeling of control that one feels at the beginning of a new relationship, the one where we go about making decision in a fearless open way, and to realize that perhaps I had nothing to loose by seeing how this would evolve. A part of me is a firm believer in leaving all doors open, while another feels that it is just time for me to move on and go NC.

 

Any advice? Please?

[Am4Real]

 

Anyways - I decided it was way past my due date to go NC. But Am4real urged me to focus and remembering the feeling of control that one feels at the beginning of a new relationship, the one where we go about making decision in a fearless open way, and to realize that perhaps I had nothing to loose by seeing how this would evolve. A part of me is a firm believer in leaving all doors open, while another feels that it is just time for me to move on and go NC.

 

Any advice? Please?

 

Hi Kamille,

 

I hope you're holding up well this evening or this morning where ever you are. In the post you reference I was giving my comment based on YOU taking control of the situation by piecing together a series of communications since you had planned to keep the lines of communication open and not go NC. In the set up to these comments I drew a parallel with this "guy" seemingly manipulating you through his essence of "power". I was encouraging you to not succumb to this essence and to take control of the situation with your head (versus your heart). I think you are doing that but might possibly be second guessing the approach. If you feel it's too heart breaking to deflect this guy's "power" (as he seemed to do again in your description) have you considered getting away and going total NC forever? Tell us what you FEEL if you can.

 

My post to you is pasted below.

 

Remember where you were first introduced, courting, dating, whatever….not necessarily this person but anyone from the past or even present? Everything was new…you were analyzing the situation, the person, your feelings; you were in “control” of yourself and your decision making. Remember all of that?

 

After a break up it is very hard if not impossible to instantly go back to that state, especially when a split couple is talking/interacting for whatever reason (good or bad) and are trying to understand what is happening or understand their feelings. This is true even when they might be considering reconciliation or heaven forbid there is a third party involved adding more spice to the complications of comprehension and perhaps forcing a choice by one person. My point here is that a couple has much history and feelings which form the basis for a lot of things. When this “history” helps contribute to glossing over or skipping the steps I describe in the first paragraph what is really happening is the surrender of “control” to a decision by the heart or an emotion, or as we spoke about before it could be the surrender of a well thought out decision or analysis to another’s influence or “power”. Do you know what I mean? Do you believe it?

 

If you can go VERY slowly at this stage, remember how it was in the beginning how carefully you likely examined this individual or a new person before the first date, the second date, subsequent dates and maybe a committed relationship. Get yourself back to that stage of examination and analysis with your head and not your heart if you can. A good talk or an IM session is probably a satisfaction for your feelings more so than this interaction is as a basis for a decision (my opinion). Going slow helps you to stack many conversations together…and then deciding on what is best (read: control).

 

What do you have to lose – nothing – what do you have to gain – control!

[Kamille]

Thanks Am4real. I am actually a lot better. I was thinking last night about that control thing. It's really hitting home and I think I am slowly grasping it.

 

And yes I distorted your words a little...

 

It feels so weird to go through all these thoughts now. I think heartbreaks are like waves... And this is my last wave. I am over him. Not fully healed but over him.

 

We chatted today. And I actually feel really great about it because I suddenly didn't feel like I needed anything from him or like I needed to prove anything to him. I had fun. I felt - yes - in control of myself.

 

You've urged me before to let go and talk about how I feel. I think I've invested so many emotions in this relationship that I've learned to wall them in. But right now, all I feel is peace.

 

I longed for a friendship with this man and I finally think I can be his friend. Thanks Am4Real.

[magichands]

I longed for a friendship with this man and I finally think I can be his friend.

You know you want more from him than that. And you can probably have it.

[Star Gazer]

I completely disagree with Am4Real.

 

I would let go completely and move on. There's no need to pursue any sort of relationship - romantic or otherwise - with this guy.

[magichands]

I would let go completely and move on. There's no need to pursue any sort of relationship - romantic or otherwise - with this guy.

I don't know... he sounds like the one.

[D-Lish]

Hi K,

 

I knew that sucker would come back one day!

What I truly don't understand is how he feels so comfortable about bringing up dating other women. I mean, what the f*%k does he want from you?

 

My ex was soooo good at turning things around and making everything "my issue". Even when he left me he acknowledged nothing of his own deficiencies- only focused on mine. The problem with those conversations is that a revelation hits you later, after you've had time to think... and then the epiphany.. "hey! how did that fuc%#r manage to turn things around, and why did I buy into it?"

 

I don't know K, I've read a lot of your posts- and you always come across as a rational, intelligent woman with a whole lot of insight into others as well as yourself.

 

I think you know that you are so much more than this guy. Depression? That's very tough to deal with. Musician??? Ugh. I usually like artsy guys because they come across as deep and soulful...but in the long run, any musician I have ever dated...well, they never grew, never changed.

I ran into a crush two weeks ago- a guy I LOVED in University. He was in a band, he was hot and sexy, his aspirations were "rockstarish", and so cool to me at the time. Well, when I saw him- he had the same longish hair, except he was receding- working in the same record store (BUT NOW I"M THE MANAGER...COOL EH?)... and he still talked about "making it big" someday.

 

Ugh... and I thought about me, and how I'd finished two degrees, travelled, got married, divorced, blah, blah, blah. The point being- I was so far away from that phase in Uni, and I've grown, experienced things... and now I want a stable guy who can keep up with me- not a rockstar working in a record store...

 

K, I think you deserve better. I think you know you deserve better. Especially if you stop and think about it.

 

Who's the prize???

Did you forget?

lol.

 

Honestly- when you first started posting- you came across as being ambivelent to the situation. I didn't realize how much it affected you.

Don't settle- you don't need to. It's easy to want to rush into something when we get to a certain age- see our friends married, having kids. It almost forces us to choose quickly... when we should be discerning about the people we choose to spend the rest of our lives with. Even if it takes an extra couple months or couple years of being single to meet the right person.

 

Anyhow, I may be way off base with the musician thing- he may be a lawyer by day and rockstar by night...lol. I could just be jumping the gun here.

 

Your ex isn't JD Fortune is it??? LOL.

I love my own humour.

 

Be the prize baby... you know you are!

D

[magichands]

Even if it takes an extra couple months or couple years of being single to meet the right person.

That's rich coming from somebody so horny.

[SummerRae]

Hi K,

 

I knew that sucker would come back one day!

What I truly don't understand is how he feels so comfortable about bringing up dating other women. I mean, what the f*%k does he want from you?

 

My ex was soooo good at turning things around and making everything "my issue". Even when he left me he acknowledged nothing of his own deficiencies- only focused on mine. The problem with those conversations is that a revelation hits you later, after you've had time to think... and then the epiphany.. "hey! how did that fuc%#r manage to turn things around, and why did I buy into it?"

 

I don't know K, I've read a lot of your posts- and you always come across as a rational, intelligent woman with a whole lot of insight into others as well as yourself.

 

I think you know that you are so much more than this guy. Depression? That's very tough to deal with. Musician??? Ugh. I usually like artsy guys because they come across as deep and soulful...but in the long run, any musician I have ever dated...well, they never grew, never changed.

I ran into a crush two weeks ago- a guy I LOVED in University. He was in a band, he was hot and sexy, his aspirations were "rockstarish", and so cool to me at the time. Well, when I saw him- he had the same longish hair, except he was receding- working in the same record store (BUT NOW I"M THE MANAGER...COOL EH?)... and he still talked about "making it big" someday.

 

Ugh... and I thought about me, and how I'd finished two degrees, travelled, got married, divorced, blah, blah, blah. The point being- I was so far away from that phase in Uni, and I've grown, experienced things... and now I want a stable guy who can keep up with me- not a rockstar working in a record store...

 

K, I think you deserve better. I think you know you deserve better. Especially if you stop and think about it.

 

Who's the prize???

Did you forget?

lol.

 

Honestly- when you first started posting- you came across as being ambivelent to the situation. I didn't realize how much it affected you.

Don't settle- you don't need to. It's easy to want to rush into something when we get to a certain age- see our friends married, having kids. It almost forces us to choose quickly... when we should be discerning about the people we choose to spend the rest of our lives with. Even if it takes an extra couple months or couple years of being single to meet the right person.

 

Anyhow, I may be way off base with the musician thing- he may be a lawyer by day and rockstar by night...lol. I could just be jumping the gun here.

 

Your ex isn't JD Fortune is it??? LOL.

I love my own humour.

 

Be the prize baby... you know you are!

D

 

Ohhh D-Lish, I love your insightful posts!! They give such insight and comfort at the same time!!

 

Hmmm... thoughts on this subject?? How can I possibly add anything to what D-Lish wrote? I completely agree... especially about the single wanting more part.

 

I am, too, am feeling the pull of wanting to be in a relationship with someone. I'm 27... I guess it's that age where you start to look at your life and then you look at those around you and you think: I want to settle down. I'm tired of the Game. The Dating. All the different relationships and lovers. I want something more substantial now.

 

So when one comes along that we are attracted to on more than one level, we go "I want this ONE." Sometimes in spite of those flags we see along the way. That feeling of love is just so damn powerful.

 

And so different for men and women, don't you think?? I mean, I look at the men that I am/have dated and they don't seem to be in any rush. Inside, I feel like I'm in a rush. I don't know why.

 

Point being (I hope some of this applies to you!!) why is it so hard to just want to be on our own. To be fulfilled in spite of not having the mirror of another to view our own lives with?

 

I am pondering this a lot lately.

 

All the while, trying to remember: YES, WHO IS THE PRIZE??? (Love that!!)

 

Hugs,

Summer

[D-Lish]

That's rich coming from somebody so horny.

 

Well, there's a difference between getting your kicks and settling down with "the one"... the two extremes rarely coincide- we can enjoy the former while aspiring for the other.

I'm only human MH.

Aren't you being sassy tonight!

Snap out of it.

D

[magichands]

Snap out of it.

Sorry. I guess I was out of line.

 

So... where is the line again? I want to queue.

[paris38]

he's just not worth your time messaging, calling, emailing, etc. I mean is he even asking you out at all? He is obviously not dying to be with you or he would be doing that.

Even though you like him, just let him go. He just isn't that into you. If he was, he wouldn't bring up other girls.

There is no romantic possibility with him. Please smell the coffee and move on, strict NC with him, FOREVER, for yourself to move on, not as a strategy to see how he reacts.

[paris38]

you said he was having lingering feelings about his ex and some other girl he was subsequently dating. Ok, so that makes you his 3RD choice. Is that what you want from this guy? well, if I don't get back together with my ex, and this other girl I'm sort of dating doesn't work out, THEN we can date....possibly. Does this sound like a man who really wants you? Think about it. If you even want to be 'just friends' you know deep down you have these feelings for him and as long as you remain in contact with you, it will stop you from freeing yourself emotionally for a guy who really wants you.

[kimba]

thats right, its so clear that you are his third choice - which is no reflection on you. And what really gets my goat is how he is soooo tacky about it - his actions are really reeally unattractive. I mean, getting rid of you because his ex wants another go, and then calling you or whatever and saying he's met some "cool" chick.

 

Seriously he sounds like a loser, definately not boyfriend material. I would just be some sort of distant part time friend. Seriously, no one needs that crap.

[Kamille]

Thanks you guys! I am actually still feeling like I'm on shore and finally over it all.

 

Thanks Paris for putting things that way - I actually shivered, but at least now I have your post to come back too if ever I have a relapse.

 

You are right all of you of course. I do deserve -and want- better and no I don't understand why he is telling me about this new girl in the picture. But in a way it was the kick I needed to realize he wasn't ever going to come back to me. I feel that I'm finally free.

 

I myself don't really understand how or why I let his actions affect so much. I guess, like you said Summer Rae, it just felt so good, and so special, after two years back on the scene, to find someone I could connect with the way I did with him. And he made me feel like a million bucks when we were together - until it all fell apart of course. It also took me a long time to reconcile the respect and admiration I had for him with the way he treated me.

 

But oddly enough, it took this recent bout of contact to gain perspective on it all. Until that, I still wondered about him. I feel like I have control back because these instances of contact are making me realize that in many ways, no, he isn't the man for me. There is the being 3rd fiddle thing - but also his constant evaluations of his days. The fact that he 'turned things' around on me. All turn-offs.

 

I no longer care whether we keep in touch or not. I no longer care that he doesn't want to come back to me. I no longer care. I think this was my last hiccup. So I think i,ll go the Kimba way : as a distant part time friend.

 

And SummerRae thanks for your kind words. Here is a 30 year old saying : 27? That's so young! Which of course means 30 is still young too. I mean, what's three years really? You are right, there is no rush. And I am focusing on the many great things in my life right now.

 

and Magichands - thanks also. In a way I think you hit the nail right on the head (how you're going to twist that one around, I can't wait to see). I guess part of me still thought I could somehow make him realize we could be more then friends.

 

And D, Lol - I am a prize. Going out to a party tonight and I will be glowing like a jewel. I seriously can't explain how relieved I feel about the whole thing -how much more like myself. How are things going for you out on the dating scene? And whatever happened to that single dad?