My Husband & his trampy Ex.

[Neecer]

My husband and I have been married for six months, have known each other for 27 years and he was the first boy that I ever kissed...my first love. We were smitten with one another and dated for two years. He was two years older, went away to college and met one of those bad girls who know what to do, how to do it and could sexually rock his world. I was the good girl....

She faked being pregnant, he married her and was gone from my life forever and I mourned him for 25 years.

25 years and two children later he is divorced and we reconnect. It was fireworks like the fourth of July and my prince charming was back! He tells me that he has always loved me, that I am the only woman that he has ever loved, that the ex knew it and that he never loved her....sounds good huh?

Then after we were dating for a while, I started to hear the little comments that she was making about him "getting back with me" and how she thought it was hilarious. Then we go up to her home in N.Y. to pick up his youngest daughter and he talks to the wife while I stand in the driveway, never introduces me, or acknowledges me and yep, I am a little bit steamed.

Later, we stop by again and she is waiting for him in a see through tee shirt (new fake boobs fully on alert) and her underwear....again I am invisible to both. I finally introduce myself to her and she is a less than receptive audience.

She has sent him cards telling him "she will always belong to him", she wrote him an e-mail two weeks ago telling him that "he came to her in a dream" and she just wanted to be sure that he was happy...I am slowly seething, he knows it but will not say a word to her about appropriate boundaries. A month ago, I am putting jewelry into our safe and I find a home made porn tape of the two of them that he has kept for over ten years...WHY??? I made him destroy it and he was not all too happy about it although he swears that he never looks at it...

Flash to last week. He tells me that she is coming to town to visit their oldest daughter, who is 19 and is bunking with Dad while she is in college. It is important to note that my husband is in the military and we are living apart in different states, we see each other only on weekends)He tells me also that he sent word to the ex that she could not stay with him while she was in town. (Yes, I asked myself why that even needed to be stated and why there was any possibility that she would assume otherwise...no answer there...)I explain to him that I feel in my gut that she is coming to town to see him and that I have thrown a wrench in things by being there that weekend, but I know that she will still make the attempt. He tells me that I am being ridiculous and to let it go. So the ex stays in a hotel down the street the oldest daughter goes and stays with her, the youngest comes and hangs out with us so her sister and Mom can have some alone time.

Sunday morning, I get up take a shower and walk out into my hallway to hear voices...It is the ex-wife, taking a "tour" of our house!!! She is dressed to the nines, Hair curled (which she never does) high heels, skin tight pants, even tighter top, full stage make-up and eyes only for my husband! She has dressed up like this to pick up their daughter and then drive for six hours back to N.Y., sweats and a pony tail seem like a more comfortable choice to me, but then again I am not trolling for someone else's husband. She looks at me and says "oh hi" and walks past for the rest of the tour. My husband catches me in the kitchen where I am entertaining an aneurism and asks me what's wrong...hummmm. I tell him that I am furious that that bit*h was cruising through our house on the Graceland Tour and nobody asked me if I minded or even thought to do so. He said he didn't know she was taking a tour until she got upstairs. I told him then that he should go and tell her that the tour was over and to go back downstairs and wait by the door for their daughter to finish packing. He didn't have to be rude, just firm about it. He didn't. Then, knowing that I am one step from going insane, she walks to the kitchen opening and he turns and joins her and the two daughters for a little chat fest about Mom's latest drunken bowling experience. His back is to me, he is two feet away from her, grinning like a fool at her every word, ignoring me as if I did not exist.Seems like he would have thought to reach back and pull me into the fold, or step back beside me and listen from there, but that apparently did not cross his mind.

Finally she left and he wanted me to "just get over it" I packed my suitcase and left. That was six days ago. I have not heard from him at all. He did not check to see if I got home alright, didn't call to say he was sorry, or he understood how it must hurt to take a back seat to that trailer trash tramp every time...nothing. But, he did get a call letting him know that she had made the 6 hour drive home safely. I know because I pay the phone bill.

I love him with every speck of my heart, but this hurts me like nothing else. He knows how I feel about her and yet he never ever stands up for me, or for us. I have asked, pleaded and begged, given him "another chance" repeatedly only to be dissed again. She is not a pretty girl, no hot body, amazing mind or brilliant wit. I am not a bad looking girl, good shape, smart, funny and love him to no end...what am I doing wrong. I cannot bring myself to call him because I think that I will be giving in again and setting the stage for more of the same.

What would you do? I need some advice because my heart is shattered and I

feel like I am dying inside. :mad:

[EnigmaXOXO]

I was relieved to read that you had packed your bags and left. By some small miracle you've been able to maintain at least some of your sanity through all of this.

 

Not sure how long after reconnecting the two of you got hitched, but obviously it was way too soon after his last relationship ended. Rebound perhaps?

 

While his ex wife will always be a part of your lives since there are children involved, it doesn't mean you should be treated like the red-headed stepchild when she is around. I don't like how he's treating you. It's ignorant and indignant and I can't help but wonder what it is about this guy you fell in love with. Perhaps you've been burning a candle for a past memory all these years … the guy you use to know and remember. Obviously, NOT the guy he is now. And the way you've been treated is more his fault than it is hers. They're BOTH rude and disrespectful … but the behavior is less understandable coming from your own husband than a jealous ex.

 

I also hope you stop comparing yourself to her. After all, he's already had that and obviously it got old enough for him that he left it. You are different, not better or worse. But it seems you might have inadvertently married someone who is more like his ex-wife than he cares to admit and therefore better conditioned for the drama that other life has to offer.

 

I cannot bring myself to call him because I think that I will be giving in again and setting the stage for more of the same.

What would you do?

 

If I could imagine myself in this situation, there'd be no way I would make myself as easy and available for him as I had been. And I agree, I certainly wouldn't be calling him. Not after the way I was treated. As a matter of fact, I'd probably be filing for an annulment by now. Couldn't imagine living the rest of my life tangled up in this mess. Especially with a husband I only got to see on the weekends and who wasn't even concerned enough about me (or the marriage) to call. And I bet if you really think about it, you were probably a lot happier before you reconnected with him and all of this went down. I think I'd be really working hard to get back to THAT place and chalk the whole ordeal up as a bad memory. Especially now, since I'd only have six months invested and at least I was fortunate enough to have my eyes opened before there were any more children involved.

 

But it's your life and your decision to make. Hope you find the strength and courage to do what's best for you no matter how much it may hurt initially.

[MoonGirl]

Neecer,

 

I'm SO sorry you're going through what you're going through. You're absolutely right that your H has inappropriate boundaries with his ex. He can't understand why you're mad probably because he's not the one who is being dissed. I would have packed up and left too.

 

I certainly understand your feelings and your reaction to what's been going on. But, unfortunately, the more miffed you get, the less appealing you probably seem to your husband.

 

I'm not sure what page he is on...seems pretty strange that he hasn't called you in 6 days. Still, this site my help you out a bit.

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

 

Keep posting. We're here to listen.

[Neecer]

Hey EnigmaXOXO,

Thank you for the insight, you are right, I do not deserve this unhappiness. The newly stiffening spine doesn't ease the heartache any, but at least it makes me look like I am holding my head up. I wish it was a rebound situation for him, at least then it would make a little bit of sense, very little. But he has been divorced from this woman for seven years. In this time, she has gotten him back, cheated repeatedly (a common occurance during the marriage) taunted his girlfriends with her easy access to him and pretty much made herself everything that your Dad ever told you guys won't ever marry. You hit the nail on the head with so many things...I did love the memory of him but that guy is merely a shadow. I catch sight of him once in a while, like a ghost rounding a corner. I had such a huge place for him in my heart that waited there for so long that I tried to fit this new guy, warts and all, into that place. Round peg, square hole...

 

Anyway, thanks again. Reading your reply was like a good chat with an old friend.

[IpAncA]

Sorry your going through this.

 

Sure the EX is going to be involved because of the 2 children but oh yeah he crossed the boundry line. He obviously doesn't care and is to blind to see what she's doing. He needs to step in and straighten the EX out and make her understand that it's over and it's time to move on.

 

I would not stand for that either and I can't believe she walked through the house. That would have pushed me over. Knowing me I probably would have said something to her and laid into my H about it.

 

After you packed your bags, did he try to stop or say anything to you? Nothing? Did you tell him why you were leaving?

 

He should have at least called. What a guy.

[Neecer]

So, here it is Monday, eight days later and I have still heard nothing from him. I feel like a walking zombie, empty and sad to the core. I have to go for walks to keep myself from picking up the phone and calling him, and I hope that he is at least feeling some of this heartache himself....but I doubt it.

A couple of you have written (and I so appreciate the kinship) and asked if he knew why I left or if he tried to stop me. He knew that I felt like I was the "stranger" in our house and I felt as if he had let a thief into our home. He said that he didn't know she was there until she was well on her "tour". I thought about that later, (you know, those snappy comebacks that you think of hours or days after you need them) and I thought "what if that had been a complete stranger, or my Ex, or a murderer walking through the house, would he have reacted differently?" You know he would have. But here is a woman, murdering my trust in him and our marriage and he allows her to roam freely...

Did he try to stop me? No, except for telling me to let it go and just get over it. He couldn't understand why it would upset me so much. I can assure you that had it been my Ex walking throught, there would still be blood stains on the ceiling!

So I am still cooling my heels, hoping against hope that he will have one of those moments of clarity where he realizes the error of his ways and comes back a changed, honest, devoted man.....

Or not.