Am I being paranoid?

[Quixotic]

I've recently tried to start a relationship with someone who I've dated in the past. He's the one who initiated the contact and pushed the issue of us trying a relationship again. I still cared about him, so I went along with it, but was cautious because he likes to flirt, keep alot of female friends, and he has cheated in the past (on me and some of his other girlfriends).

 

Now here is the problem:

1.He comes home no earlier than midnight, every night. He tells me he is hanging out with his (male)friends or visiting his family. He says I'm being paranoid thinking he's out cheating on me.

 

2.He talks on the phone late at night (11pm, 12am, 1am) to someone. I know how to check his minutes used on his cell phone, and every night he has some sort of conversation with somebody. Sometimes he waits until I leave the house to get on the phone. When I ask him about it, he either denies he was on the phone, or says he was talking to a guy. And I can't get to specific with the info I have about when he gets on the phone, or how many minutes he was talking, because he will know that I'm checking up on him.

 

3.When I was going through his papers, he had a classified newspaper with apartments listed for rent, and on one of his to-do lists, he wrote "apartment", even though we are living together.

 

4.He starts stupid bull**** arguements with me and I think he is doing it so I will say f*** off, and I will break up with him, so he won't look like the bad guy.

 

When I ask him about all these things, he says I am being paranoid, and stop focusing all my attention on him.

 

What does anyone else think? Does it sound like he is cheating, or am I being paranoid and reading too much into things?

[JackJack]

but was cautious because he likes to flirt, keep alot of female friends, and he has cheated in the past (on me and some of his other girlfriends).

 

 

I'm sorry, but this should have spoken loud and clear to ya.

 

 

He says I'm being paranoid thinking he's out cheating on me.

 

 

Sometimes he waits until I leave the house to get on the phone

 

When I ask him about all these things, he says I am being paranoid, and stop focusing all my attention on him.

 

 

I think he has given himself away. Take heed to it.

[Quixotic]

but was cautious because he likes to flirt, keep alot of female friends, and he has cheated in the past (on me and some of his other girlfriends).

 

 

I'm sorry, but this should have spoken loud and clear to ya.

 

 

He says I'm being paranoid thinking he's out cheating on me.

 

 

Sometimes he waits until I leave the house to get on the phone

 

When I ask him about all these things, he says I am being paranoid, and stop focusing all my attention on him.

 

 

I think he has given himself away. Take heed to it.

I know the answer is obvious, but sometimes you just need another person's perspective on the situation. Yeah, I feel like he has given himself away, but part of me wants to believe he is trying to make things work this time. Does anyone know of a situation where someone was overly paranoid, but nothing was actually going on?

[norajane]

Does anyone know of a situation where someone was overly paranoid, but nothing was actually going on?

 

Not really - when someone has a gut feeling, it's usually right about cheating. Sometimes maybe wrong, but most of the time no. Actually, it's often the other way around. Someone has no clue and doesn't suspect, but something actually is going on.

 

That he doesn't get home before midnight every night should be the biggest tip-off, plus the phone calls. Who would he possibly be talking to at that time of night except a woman...maybe the one whose house he just came home from.

 

Besides - how can you actually "be" with a guy who doesn't come home until midnight every night? When do you actually have time with him?

[Davis]

You have to follow your intuition, that "gut" feeling. I just went through this with my ex girlfriend. I always had "that" feeling and it wouldn't go away. It was very strong and always there. I tried to ignore it and excuse it. I tried to tell myself I was just paranoid and insecure. I was right about her. She was cheating all along. She was a very skilled liar also.

 

I had heard "rumors" about her behavior before and during dating her. You know your guy has cheated before. You have heard the stories. What makes you think you're any different than all the other women he's cheated on? Remember what Dr. Phil says "the greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior". i.e. once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

Cheaters are by definition liars. They are also skilled at turning it around on you, telling you that you're paranoid, that you're insecure and denying what is really going on. It's all a defense mechanism and bs to make you question yourself. When they get angry and put it on you it's a sign that they're guilty.

 

He is likely cheating. But regardless, all the signs are there that he doesn't want to be with you. Save yourself the heartache. Take control. Leave him before he leaves you or you catch him cheating. Do not believe his lies and stay with him after you dump him. He's a bad apple. Move on!