Another unrequited love post

[dilly]

I’ve been having a really rough go with girl I’ve known for a few years. She was originally my hairstylist. We struck up a friendship that included texting and e-mails and phone calls every day. Well the big damper in all this is the fact that we are both married. She was broken up with her SO when we first met but ended up marrying him a year later. The strange thing was, after she had gotten married, her calls to me became much more frequent. I’ve been married for 8 years with 3 children and have been struggling with my marriage for most of the time. Its basically a shell of a marriage. We care for our kids but we sleep apart. I haven’t divorced because I just can’t bear to disrupt my marriage for the sake of my kids. My friend is 13 years younger than I with no kids. As my friendship with her intensified, my marriage became worse, as no sheer coincidence on looking back at the situation. Her marriage wasn’t all pretty roses either and as we both began to confide in our personal lives I found that I completely and utterly fell for this girl. Im in my thirties and I've never felt such love for a person as I do for her. I have feelings for her that I never even had with my own wife. Our nightly conversations would usually involve how the others relationship was progressing and how the day went and just silly little things. We would write pages upon pages of e-mails to each other confiding our innermost secrets. We just dealt with our marriage the best we could but we both just couldn't leave it. It finally just got to the point that I felt that I needed to tell her.

 

Well, I wrote this really poignant e-mail to her expressing my love for her and she wrote back saying that all she ever thought of our relationship was just friendship and nothing else. As a matter of fact, she decided that she was really going to try to make her marriage work. I hadn’t heard back from her for a few days and I would write emails to her with no response. I even went to visit her at work just to clear the air and was met by a less than enthusiastic response. You see, I realize that I blew a totally great friendship by admitting my feelings for her, but at the time, I really felt justified because we tell each other everything. I felt like she just needed to know and hopefully it would have reinforced our relationship if nothing else. Well, it completely backfired and now she won’t even talk to me. She says that it’s not about my profession of love for her that she won’t talk to me, but because she has been really busy lately and it will take some time. I am completely devastated, as I’ve lost not only the girl of my dreams, but also my best friend. I look back on my relationship with her and all the signs pointed to the fact that she did care for me. I feel like our friendship was perhaps just not strong enough. I question how she can be supportive through thick and thin, and when I’m at the ultimate low, she can do this to me. I really felt that I should have been patient to wait for her to end her tumultuous relationship with her husband but now I feel that I made a serious mistake and may have lost her forever. I’m an emotional wreck, from wanting so desperately to be with her, to anger in how she could do this to me all in a few hours span. It’s been very difficult to cope with this situation and I hope time will heal all wounds but I still pray that I may not have lost her. I really truly think she was my soul mate which makes it all the more difficult to let her go. I’m waiting to see if she will call me back but I seriously doubt it. It’s pretty pathetic.

 

My question is. I am hurt and angered and sad by all this. I know it’s not her fault at all but entirely mine. If she does end up in any way wanting to resume our friendship (I only wish) should I continue or should I just move on? I don't think it can be the same again. There is a glimmer of hope of course but I don't know if I can let myself be hurt like this again. Anyone had the same situation happen and they did end up together with them after a long hiatus?

[ocset]

If this helps you any, I dated a girl briefly who I was crazy about, after a short while she text me to say she just wanted to be friends.

I didnt take it very well and was a real pain in the neck I guess texting, phoning, emailing and I a heart felt letter. Then one night (I not a great drinker and I'd had to much) I was a real pain trying to talk to her and the next day she text to say leave her alone. I realised what a fool I'd been, but also how much she meant to me, so I txt back saying that

 

"I was very sorry for how I'd behaved and that she meant alot to me. And because thats what she wanted then I would leave her alone, but I still considered her a friend and I'd be there if she wanted to talk."

 

So for several months I left her alone(I also avoided places where I would be likely to see her). Belief me that was soooo difficult to do.

 

Then I got a joke text - from her number - (it was her friend who sent it). I didnt reply for a few days - I didnt know what to do. So I spent some time on the net and found a good joke and sent it to her. We got talking then after a while we were really good friends again.

I still found it difficult as I still liked her, and I think she found it a bit awkward to.

 

Then I started dating someone else and things got a little nasty, my girlfriend didnt like the fact we were friends. SO again we drifty apart, not totally as we kept in touch.

 

Then when I broke up with my girlfriend (after dating for 2 1/2 years), we started talking more again(we'd spend several hours somenights talking on MSN). And we'd arranged to meet over Xmas and also for my 30th birthday. But Sadly she died this Xmas eve.

 

My points been -

 

If she is a TRUE friend then yes there is a chance of getting back as friends. It happended for me.

 

yes, you'll probably get hurt by her if you do.

 

Sadly, it wont ever be the same.

 

Good luck.

[dilly]

Wow! Thats tragic! On Christmas eve no less.

 

Thank you. That does give me some hope. The worst thing is that I wish I never told her my true feelings for her. It was during a brief period of insanity egged on a by another friend that knew I was pining for her. I could have carried on being friends with her indefinitely (well i guess hindsight is 20/20) but now I've completely lost her and our friendship. Ordinarily she would help me deal with this problem, but without her, i just have this board. sniff..

[Kamille]

I was going to say the same thing as Ocset: if you are meant to be friends, she will come back to you. You just cannot make it happen. And you don't even know for sure that it will hapen. It needs to happen on its own.

 

I believe that we have more then one soulmate in our lives and that they don't all take the shape of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. you felt you were soulmates which probably means that you were. I understand that you are hurting right now. but focus on seeing the positive of what you two shared.

 

And perhaps distract yourself by making a special day happen with your family. Take them out somewhere, plan a day trip. Perhaps somewhere the kids have been asking to go for awhile.

[Kamille]

Wow! Thats tragic! On Christmas eve no less.

 

Thank you. That does give me some hope. The worst thing is that I wish I never told her my true feelings for her. It was during a brief period of insanity egged on a by another friend that knew I was pining for her. I could have carried on being friends with her indefinitely (well i guess hindsight is 20/20) but now I've completely lost her and our friendship. Ordinarily she would help me deal with this problem, but without her, i just have this board. sniff..

 

Dilly, I don't think you should regret telling her. The only reason you regret it now is because of how she reacted, that which you cannot control. But you had deeper feelings for her then just friendship and in a way it is good that you can now move on from there.

[ocset]

Yes, 25yr olds shouldn't die from asthma in this day and age. You my detect that I still very bitter about it. But thats going off topic and away from your problems....

 

I'd got used to the fact that we were going to be friends and that was it, I think a part of me would have always liked her as more than a friend.

 

I know its easy to say - but try not to dwell on it - it will 'tar' other relationships.

I've been atracted to someone else for a while, we've developed quite a good friendship and I'm affraid of going through it all again.

 

Give her some space, if she likes you then she'll come back, if she doesnt, then its not worth worrying about as she may not have been as good a friend to you as you were to her.

 

I know what you mean about the board - with everything recently its been an outlet for my feelings that it wouldnt be fair to put on my friends.

[dilly]

Thank you Kamille and Ocset. this makes me feel tons better. I know in my heart of hearts that life goes on but I never knew it could be so hard. Ocset, that is way too young! The whole finality of it! At least she knew your true feelings for her. In my e-mail to my friend, I did put that the reason I felt like I had to tell her was because If God forbid, anything happened to either one of us, that she at least knew my true feelings for her. Life is cruel.

[dilly]

The worst part of this whole thing is that I'm trying not to constantly reach for my cell phone to see if she had text me, and checking my e-mail and my voicemail! I also need to find a new hairstylist now. LOL!

[burning 4 revenge]

I love how when you have an unrequited attraction and they know it, they still continue to talk to you about their relationship problems and their lonliness as if you didnt exist or as if you were a woman.

[Kamille]

I also need to find a new hairstylist now. LOL!

 

LOL indeed. I know a great hairdresser but I think she's gay...

 

I know the feeling of always wanting to check phones or email. Back in september someone I felt was one of my soulmates left me abruptly and I just kept hoping for contact. I didn't understand how he could just walk away from something so great. Only recently were we able to rekindle the friendship and even then, it gets confusing at times.

 

But it does get easier. Today I even feel like we can finally be friends again because I have accepted that we can never be more.

[empty906]

I may have an answer to your question, Dilly. Will it ever be like it was? Maybe in a really long time.

 

I had a very similar friendship form with lady recently after being married for 11 years. We started as simply light friends, we would say hi and I knew her name, that's about it. But we started spending time together and eventually I fell in love with her just as you did. And her with me. Both of us are married and both have children to consider.

 

We tried called things off a few times but one of us would contact the other after only a couple of weeks. Desperate for the attention and interaction with the other. But this last time she was determined to break things off. She said what we had made it too difficult to stay in her marriage for her children. Something had to go to ease the stress, I was the one to go.

 

Yeah, I was pissed. And then hurt. And then took all the blame. And then sat confused about what all took place so quickly. Women!

 

So, yesterday (six weeks since we last had a real conversation) I called her on the way to a meeting. Oh, it is sooo good to have her on the phone again. <sigh> We had bumped into each other a couple of times out in public prior to this but the conversations were very short as we both were in a hurry both times.

 

So yesterday we talked about twenty minutes. Her husband wasn't home yet and she was very glad I called. But then we arrived at an awkward moment. A moment that used to be spent ooh-ing and ahh-ing was spent in a strange silence. She said she needed to go and tend to one of her girls and then she caught herself as the words, "I miss talking to..." slipped out.

 

We both know without a doubt what the other feels. I want her so badly but she can't divorce, not now. I would be willing to go but only with her.

 

Talking with her yesterday stirred up all those feelings I had spent six weeks getting rid off. Now it is eating me up inside. But I do not regret calling and, in fact, will call again in a month or so. Just to see what she is doing.

 

I think we will return to where we were. But I know it certainly will not be anytime soon. Maybe years... But, she is still there. I am still here and I will wait. I'll wait and see what happens. You never know...

 

It can easily happen with you, too. Just give her time. Plenty of time. It will eat you alive and make your heart just break but give her the time she needs. You love her, I love the one I wrote about. And if time away from me makes her life more pleasant then I will stay away. I love her enough to do whatever it takes to make her as happy as she can be. And you love yours the same.

[dilly]

Thanks empty906 and everyone else.

 

Well, I guess its all about time and how patient I'm willing to be. I just decided that its much easier to be angry than wallow in despair although wallowing music isn't too bad! I downloaded all the unrequited love music I could find off itunes and have been playing them over and over again. My favorite has been "Strange and Beautiful" by Aqualung. The chorus goes like this:

 

I'll put a spell on you,

You'll fall asleep,

I'll put a spell on you,

And when I wake you,

I'll be the first thing you see,

And you'll realise that you love me.

 

 

I am an emotional mess though. At this point I really don't know if i want to remain friends with her. I am just so damn pissed off at the whole situation but i catch myself just thinking about the great moments we had. Invariably, something will trigger a memory and I start to feel very empty inside. I really wonder what she is thinking and my thoughts sometimes turn to how to get her back. I know i just have to wait but if she never contacts me back, than its for sure over. i won't initiate the contact. Women!??!!??!

[ocset]

I know how you feel dilly, and I know that song very well indeed.

 

Another 2 good unrequited love songs are by The Feeling - Fill My Little World - & also Love it When You Call - the lyrics will really strike home. I know what he's feeling

 

And I know the feeling of sitting by my phone waiting for a text or call and then when its someone else getting annoyed at them cos its not her.

[dilly]

Well, I just had an epiphany. I know it may sound somewhat absurd but its given me a whole lot of clarity and peace about the whole situation.

 

If she feels that she is happier without me in her life than I'm happy too....

 

I am still hurting but this realization makes me feel alot happier.

[JCD]

You need to let her go. Then you need to either fix your marriage or divorce. Then find another girl with whom you'll be happy. You are very miserable the way you are now. Trust me, not having a loving marriage is just as bad on the kids as being divorced. Actually, divorced is better because it's a resolution. My folks spent four years sleeping in their own beds and it was the most stressful period of my life. Luckily they got back together and are good together.

[empty906]

JCD

 

I had a friend tell me the exact same thing, I needed to let her go and never bother her again. I just looked at him with a bewildered look. How could I just never talk to her again? Ever? Man, no way!

 

But I understand your thinking. Since the relationship with me causes her more stress on top of her already stressful marriage then why am I so anxious to drag her along? Selfishness, maybe? I don't know.

 

I have honestly tried to allow my wife to meet the wants/needs that this other had met and fill the voids left since she is not around. But it just isn't there in our marriage. I completely do not love my wife. Not at all. She tries to go out of her way at times to make things better but she has made some costly mistakes in the past and I am just here for my son at this point. Disconnected.

 

I find myself now trying to replace the one I wrote about but it is proving to be very difficult. Many canidates but it is getting annoying spending the time with them to find they aren't it and having to explain bad-timing phone calls or text messages is wearing thin. (some of them just don't get it. You can't call whenever) And I could do without them all. None of them meet those needs like she did and it isn't fair to expect them to.

 

So, is divorce really the best answer here? It would seperate me from my son since my wife's family is all in another state 11 hours away. She would quickly move there and I would never see my son.

 

I plan to just wait. Time will bring about many changes and who knows what the future holds. I will have the chance one day to be with her, it is coming. It is down to patiently waiting for the moment to appear.

[dilly]

empty906 basically summed it all up. Thats exactly how I feel save for one thing - I think i can let her go. I'll always think of her but if it wasn't meant to be it just wasn't meant to be. Well, I think i can let her go....

 

I feel 100% better than when I started this thread.

[ocset]

Glad to hear that you're feeling better about things dilly.

 

Best of luck to you.

[JCD]

I don't know. I mean, I understand the view from your son's eyes, meaning that it would be hard at first for him to get used to a new dad if you two divorced but on the other hand, you want your wife to be happy with someone who loves her. Stringing her along and cheating on her is not cool. Plus, you're just hoping that the other woman will come back to you and as you hope you are hurting and postponing your life for something that might never come. I know that you don't feel anything for other women as you do for your girl but maybe if you forgot about her then the other women would become more appealing to you. I think when you're in love with a woman, that there is something in you that make you concentrate on this woman and not on others. I had many crushes and each time I felt like this woman was it and no other could replace her when in fact I had multiple crushes so how could it be true? It wasn't. There are other women that will fill her shoes, imo.

[empty906]

Awesome, Dilly! 100% better is a great turn around. It is good to read you gained something valuable by venting your feelings here.

 

JCD,

Stringing my wife along and cheating on her is not cool, you are right. It isn't fair on her either. In my quest for a replacement for the replacement I have talked with a lot of women who are flat miserable in their marriages. I am amazed at how many people are faking it. Acting happy only to be honestly hating the relationships with their husbands.

 

So is anyone truly happy? Would I even be truly happy with the one I wrote about who I do love? The whole grass is greener situation.

 

Plus, you're just hoping that the other woman will come back to you and as you hope you are hurting and postponing your life for something that might never come.

 

You are right and I didn't think of my actions like that. The waiting stems from a timeframe we had mapped out. Sounds silly here without telling a awfully long story.

 

I think when you're in love with a woman, that there is something in you that make you concentrate on this woman and not on others. I had many crushes and each time I felt like this woman was it and no other could replace her when in fact I had multiple crushes so how could it be true? It wasn't. There are other women that will fill her shoes, imo.

 

You are right, again. My wife was a rebound from a previous engagement and I never lost the deep love for the first fiance until the woman I wrote about filled that spot. It felt strange. It had been a long time since I felt those feelings. It felt nice and put me on top of the world. I felt I could sail through this marriage until it was over as long as she was by my side.

 

She's not by my side any longer and now I have a memory of how good it can feel to be in love and want the feeling back. To honestly, truly feel that love towards another and to feel it reciprocated.

 

All these stirred up feelings will subside again in a few weeks like they did before. I will bump into her on occasion in a store or wherever, we live in the same small city. I will call her again one day to just check in and see what is going on.

 

I am kinda alright with waiting. Really. I don't have a better option, in my opinion. Stay married and faking it for my son and when he turns 18 we'll see how things look then.

[dilly]

Damn emotional roller coaster! I'm having a bad day. I hate mondays!

 

I know I have to let her go. Last night I was going to delete her cell phone number from my phone but I just couldn't do it.

 

I was doing just fine this weekend but this morning I felt just as empty inside as when this all started. I really miss her!

 

Okay, pathetic ranting to come...tune out of you dan't want to hear this...

 

After the "letter" I was very apologetic for what I said and she said that I didn't need to be sorry and that we were still friends. She just never thought of our relationship as nothing more than just freinds. She said that the reason she wasn't calling me was because things were really crazy in her life and that she was giving her husband 100% attention. She wasn't dealing with anyone and it wasn't just me. She also said to drop it and things take time, whatever that means. I kind of took that to back off so i said that I respect her and her privacy but to know I would always be there for her. Its been a week now NC.

 

Okay, I know I am overanalyzing it and I should probably just drop it and let her go. I just don't want to lose her as a friend.

 

This has made me question myself. I thought she was giving me all the signals and that she really liked me. She and I would talk every single day. We would text each other right before bed. She would text, "boo!" out of the blue and it would always make me smile. We told each other everything, I mean everything. We would talk and laugh and commiserate with each other. Our e-mails would be pages and pages long. I went to her house and hung out occasionally. i became good friends with her husband too. I even became friends with her parents. I felt like a member of the family. There was an incident a while back when a another guy friend of hers tried to make a move on her and she told me that she really appreciated me because I was the only guy friend that didn't try something with her. Well, looking back, I am such a frickin idiot! Lately things just started to intensify though and I just really fell for her hard. My friend kind of egged it on for me to tell her that I like her. Right before I told her, our talking kind of cooled down just a bit, so perhaps it was just bad timing on my part.

 

I plead insanity for telling her I was in love with her.

 

I really hoped she felt the same way because it was eating me up inside not knowing how I really felt. I never wanted to hurt her or disrupt her marriage but she was really having difficulties with her marriage. I knew i didn't want to take advantage of her and tell her when she was at a down point of her relationship so i chose a time to do it when everything was fine. I honestly thought that she would be flattered that i cared so much for her. I told her specifically that I didn't want anything to change but that she should know that I was in love with her. I thought it would make our relationship better rather than worse. WRONG!

 

I just want to know what happened? Did I scare her? Can someone give me a crash course on girl talk? Do girls usually show that much affection even to just friends. I guess they do. I was taking her interest in me to a whole new level. Its gotten me second guessing myself in reading people. A mutual friend really thought she had a thing for me too so he was shocked at what transpired.

 

The balls in her court but should I ever try to contact her? When? I just really want her to know that I made a huge mistake and I really hope she would forgive me. I really just wonder what she is thinking. From talking every day to NC just like that. Does she really hate me that much? I guess i crossed that boundary of trust that can never be mended again.

 

I've never had a single regret in my life. I do now.

 

I just want my best friend back.

[dilly]

My how things have changed in just the last 24 hrs. I've been perusing this forum as well as a number of other relationship forums all day and night and I've actually learned alot about myself and my relationship with my wife. I've spent alot of time in therapy but honestly these forums have helped more than anything.

 

The point is, My friend turning me down is perhaps the best thing that ever happened to me. I know i divested alot of my energy to her that should have been spent in my marriage. My heart just wasn't into my marriage and subsequently our intimacy suffered. For sure, the years of fighting wore me down to the point where I just couldn't express my intimacy. How do you love someone that you loath? And I certainly did loath her at one point at the very bottom and I told her that I didn't love her and that we should move on. If you've been following my threads, My wife really is a difficult person to live with. She has a number of issues and perhaps undiagnosed depression that she refuses to treat. She is a control freak and also OCD but she really takes it out on the family when she has a bad day which happens quite a bit. I have distanced myself from many of my friends and am not close with my family and my only sister because my wife essentally pushed them away.

 

I think I latched onto my girl-friend because she really listened to me and showered me with attention. Things that my wife didn't care to do. It was all about the kids for my wife, we have 3, and never for me. I wasn't emotionally invested into my marriage because of it.

 

Last night, I made the decision that I was going to try my damndest to save our marriage. I really do still love my wife and i love my family. This morning we I woke my wife up and got pretty intimate before the kids woke up and we had a great time. My wife never refuses sex and actually has a pretty high sex drive. I also have a high sex drive but because of the issues between us the sex began to dwindle.

 

I had kind of a heart to heart and said that I really do love her and that I really want our marriage to work but that she really needed to put some effort to make it work too. Upon recommendation by our marriage counselor, she was supposed to see a psychiatrist and perhaps get on some meds. My wife has always refused saying that shes not crazy. I broached the subject again and said that if you want to really try to make our marriage work, she would see the psychiatrist and perhaps try the meds. If she didn't think that it worked than she doesn't have to take them. All i want is for her to try, how bad can it be right? The reason she doesn't think the meds will work is because she doesn't believe in medications. Her sister was treated with Manic Depression and her doctor overmedicated her and she eventually committed suicide. Her doctor did lose his licence in an unrelated case for overmedicating and having an affair with another patient who also commited suicide. Now because of this she has a distrust for psychiatrists in general.

 

I know I've changed alot. Our marriage counselor gave us a task list and I've done everything on it. My wife hasn't.

 

Just these past few days, our relationship has been alot smoother than before and we haven't gotten into a big fight for at least a week! Woohoo!

 

I know she sensed the past week that something was really eating at me and I think she backed off a bit from her usual nagging and bickering.

 

I left for work this morning and gave her a kiss and told her I loved her before leaving for work. I haven't done that in years. It actually felt good.

 

I hope I can make a go of this marriage thing. I really do. If not than i know i have tried. Is it a pipe dream? We'll see....

[empty906]

Well, Dilly, you certainly did take a rollercoaster ride. Sounds like some of the same things I will do sometimes. I talk outloud to sort my thoughts and make decisions once I hear myself talking.

 

You do know that trying again with your W is the better choice. (even though I am going to do the opposite) You know where I am coming from and I will support you either way you go. It is a tough decision to make for the person wearing the shoes. It is easy to sit at a PC hundreds of miles away safely tucked in a warm home and tell you how you should live you life and what decision you should make and where you went wrong and she stayed right. BUT, for the one involved it is a clouded mystery when trying to determine the best course of action. Only someone going through the same thing would understand.

 

I would chance to say there is no correct choice. I think it is something that you will have to just ride out and feel your way along. It is too tough to give a cut-and-dry, blanket answer to your decision. IMHO

 

You are making progress now...

[dilly]

I've already relapsed! Actually i still just cannot get the OW out of my mind. i think i have everything under control one moment and the next its chaos!

 

I'm actually going to my OW, parents house tomorrow to help with some furniture i promised them i would help with before this happened. Its going to be very awkward. I don't know how much the OW told her parents about our situation. I don't think I'm going to bring anything up.

[empty906]

So how did the whole OW parent's thing go? Any awkward moments or questions that you didn't want to answer?