Another unrequited love post

[dilly]

Her dad was there but the mom was still busy at work. I didn't really talk to him much except for some small talk. I got butterflies just driving to their house.

 

I just couldn't stop thinking about her today. I tell my self its not worth it but invariably my thoughts wander right back to all the good memories we had. I thought i would be better about it by now but I think its just getting worse. I'm waiting for her to make the first move as she indicated that its going to take time, but i fear its going to be a long time. Its just killing me. I feel like a little kid again!

[empty906]

Oh, I wanted to tell you something, Dilly. I once wrote a similar email to my OW expressing my love and laying it all out on the line. I have no idea why I thought it would be a good idea to write the things I wrote, just as it was with you.

 

Very similar to your story she had had several positive days with her H whom she wants to work things out with, if possible, to stop the fighting. So I bowed out. I talked alot with her about how she needed to focus on him and stop messing up her thoughts by messing around with me. I hated it and it wasn't what I wanted, you know, but I thought it was best for her and her H while things were actually going good at her house.

 

Things were quiet for a couple of days and then we exchanged a couple of emails as I was checking on her (he is mean at times) and then I sent the big one. I was being torn up inside and obviously not thinking clearly. Not at all. Doh!

 

I laid it all out there (my deep feelings) and then said I would not be talking to her anymore. Stupid! Why did I send that?!?

 

Anyways, a week or so rocked on and I gave her a call (couldn't stand it) and she was crying. She had been hurt and she wanted to spill everything to me. We talked a couple of hours, she got everything out that had been happening and then I apologized for that freakin' loaded email. She paused for a second and then said she was surprised to get an email like that. What did that mean?!?

 

She liked it, felt the same, and it made things better from then on because that laundry had been aired. We had already talked about everything else, and now we had discussed that. And we never mentioned it again.

 

So, all that said to say this: You never know.

 

You have no idea what will happen tomorrow. No clue! Anything can happen and never underestimate the events that can transpire. Now, don't do stupid stuff and try to alter it, you know that one now. But don't discount what can happen either.

 

Chance meeting? Perfectly played out just after my email was still fresh on her mind. Beautiful. I couldn't have planned it better if I had tried. Timing is everything in this arena and even though none of us guys know all the rules if we band together maybe several of us can be smart enough to figure out some of it.

 

Calculated risks comes to mind.

 

-Never risk more than you can afford to lose.

-If you have everything to gain and nothing to lose, take the risk.

-Risk taking is like any positive quality -- it’s a habit that gets better with practice. Learn from the risks with "bad' outcomes, and increase your confidence from reflecting on the ones with good outcomes.

-Timing is vital to good risk taking.

 

 

And don’t take the risk if:

1. There’s a good chance you could lose EVERYTHING.

2. You’re risking a lot just to get a little.

3. You are not comfortable with the odds that the outcome will be positive.

4. There are too many factors outside of your influence.

5. There is no way to fix or remedy the situation if the outcome is not positive.

6. You have to jump into it before you’ve had the chance to evaluate it & prepare.

7. Your intuition tells you not to (remember: fear & intuition are not the same!).

http://ezinearticles.com/?12-Tips-for-Taking-Smart,-Calculated-Risks&id=19996

[dilly]

It is a calculated risk i am willing to take.

 

Its been about a week and and a few days since NC. Is it too soon to send her an e-mail? I already deleted her phone number from my cell so no texts. Temper! LOL! I was goin to say, " Just a quick little e-mail to see how you were doing. I just wanted to let you know that I really miss talking to you as a friend. "

 

I don't want to come across as desperate, but i want her to still know I care.

 

Too soon?

[empty906]

I think it is too soon. And you know I understand how hard it is!

 

She needs some time, it sounds, and I think it might work out best to see how she is when she gets her time. She hasn't forgotten you, be sure. But I am giving you advise that I did not follow myself. After I dropped the email bomb I only waited about as long as you have before breaking silence and checking on her. (And apologizing for that stupid email Stupid! Stupid!)

 

In my case the call was well timed and started things over again even better than before. But now that I am not dealing with the email bomb I am waiting longer. That email hanging out there does have to be addressed. If you call and she is missing you and can't wait to see and is so glad you called then you know enough time has passed. If she is standoff-ish then you will know a week and a half isn't enough for her. But you have to know some kind of time schedule. It will kill you staying in limbo.

 

So why not call. Then you will know. You stand to loose very little at this stage.

 

This is how I started off my email I sent to her last night:

 

You were on my mind all day today and I was about to go to bed but thought I would just write and say 'Hi'.

 

Don't really know what it is I am wanting to say or anything, maybe it is just the act of writing an email to you. I don't know...

 

I know last time we talked you said the communication with me was making things harder on you with *****. Then I up and called you the other day. Sorry about that, and this email. I honestly am not trying to restart anything. I just miss talking with you like we did.

 

So......

I guess the safe questions would be:

How are ******?

Have you started ************** yet?

Think you might have ********** coming up?

 

But I really want to know if you're ok.

 

And then went from there. Very light and not bringing up any stuff that may still be an issue.

 

Do you still remember the phone number?

[dilly]

Thats good stuff empty. You're right. Why am I beating my self up over this. I can call her and beat myself up even more afterwards. HAHA! No, i see your point. wish me luck. Courage...where are you???

 

i don't remember her phone number. I can get it if i tried though.

[dilly]

SO I was getting ready to shoot off an e-mail to her but i'm having a hard time pressing the send button. Its such a delicate line. Too soon and perhaps she thinks I'm obsessed. Too long she might have well forgotten me!

 

I've been trying to kickstart my marriage and so far its been alot better with me being very attentive to her needs. I've been laying it on really thick and it seems to be working, however, we got into it again last night with me storming out of the room and sleeping in the doghouse. She made up for it this morning though..

 

I'm beside myself with wanting to devote all my attention to my W, but I also can't get the OW out of my mind. All i want to do is to be friends again. It kills me that the one person that would understand and commiserate with me is the one person that i can't talk to. She was the one that would help me understand why my wife did the things she did. She is a woman after all.

 

I'm a basket case.

[dilly]

i sent her an e-mail. Lets see if I get a response. Here's hoping...

[uplooker80]

This is in the "misery loves company" category.

 

If you check out my thread in the business and professional relationships forum, you will see that the object of my affection is even more unobtainable than yours (the odds of us ever being together = zero) .... and I'm still not over her.

 

I work with her every day. I now want to be a "special" friend of hers. I've gotten over her as a romantic interest (I think so anyway... I'm very confused ) but desperately feel some kind of friendship love for her.

 

The part that really sucks about all this is that I think I was possibly on my way to this deep friendship before I pulled the bonehead e-mail quazi-confession. Now I'm pretty sure that's not possible.

 

I realize that none of this helps you at all, but you are not alone. And I feel a little better now........until tomorrow at work

[dilly]

It helps me quite a bit actually. The reason i jumped on these forums was because of exactly these stories. That I'm just not insane and the only one.

 

So uplooker, so do you and her still talk as friends?

 

To me Its just the worst feeling...knowing its never going to be the same again....

 

So she still hasn't e-mailed me back. She is usually pretty prompt in replying. I guess I'm just going to have to wait. I should have sent a reciept, why don't i think of these things until after? Now I f i did, I wouldn't be in this fine mess after all!

[empty906]

Six hours and no response? That is still ok, really. This time tomorrow and no response and you will learn something.

 

But the least she can do is respond. Honestly, how hard is it to simply reply.

I hope she does and gives you indication as to where things stand. You need that so badly right now.

[dilly]

Yes i do, thank you. I feel like i'm still in shock having been run over by a semi. What the hell just hit me?

 

That's the worst - no response. Of couse i would love to hear "I'm doing fine, thank you I am so glad you e-mailed", or at the very least, "Quit e-mailing me you creep. Don't you ever contact me again! I hate you..."

 

At least I'll know.

 

I'm actually going to have to limit my time on this forum from now on. My wife thinks I'm having an online affair.. LOL!

[dilly]

It only takes 1 minute to see a person

ten minutes to get to know them

an hour to fall in love with them

and your whole life to try to forget them.

[uplooker80]

It helps me quite a bit actually. The reason i jumped on these forums was because of exactly these stories. That I'm just not insane and the only one.

 

So uplooker, so do you and her still talk as friends?

 

To me Its just the worst feeling...knowing its never going to be the same again....

 

So she still hasn't e-mailed me back. She is usually pretty prompt in replying. I guess I'm just going to have to wait. I should have sent a reciept, why don't i think of these things until after? Now I f i did, I wouldn't be in this fine mess after all!

 

dilly, we still talk as friendly coworkers.

 

It drives me crazy to see her having quiet conversations with male coworkers or especially my boss.

 

I get into a snit (that I try not to show) if she doesn't say goodnite to me. As I elaborated on in my thread, I'm really messed up in my heart.

 

Rationally, I know it is all a complete waste of time and not good for me, but I'm finding that, so far, I can't get over these feelings.

 

I suppose time heals all wounds.

[dilly]

Well, no response to my e-mail yet. I pretty much figured...I just wonder what I did that was so bad that she won't ever talk to me again? Just because i told her that I was in love with her... Oh yeah, I guess that is pretty bad. LOL!

 

It might be sour grapes but Its probably in the best interest of my marriage that she doesn't talk to me again. I think that she knows that.

[dilly]

I need that mind eraser they have in that movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind".

[dilly]

Well, she wrote back.

 

She has been really busy and everything was fine. Asked how i was doing. Kind of told me that she wasn't really hanging out with any of her friends at this time. Trying to let me down easy I suppose. Also kind of told me that she didn't like visitors at her work. I would like once a week drop by her work (She works like down the street from me) and just give her a bag of gummy bears (she loved gummy bears) but I wouldn't stay long and just say hi. Its not like i hung around and bugged her or anything like that so I was taken aback. A big hint?

 

More and more I feel that she just isn't the same person that I knew. I think this last e-mail really solidifies things for me. She is doing a good job of pushing me away. I guess I can close this chapter of my life.

[empty906]

Writing back was a good sign for you. You know you aren't on the 'hate list'.

 

Not hanging out with anybody and not wanting anyone to drop by the office/work is a hint, I agree with you.

 

I can't help but wonder if your perspective is what is affecting your interpretation of her email. You made a big decision while she was 'away'. Although that decision is still in its begining stages you still had enough time for your expectations on her email to change. (If that is what happened)

 

So maybe her email looks a particular way to you because it will help you move a couple of steps more. Maybe not, maybe I am just BSing here but I know I have reread emails from OW before and they sounded differently.

 

Just a thought...

 

But I am glad she did reply.

[dilly]

I've been analyzing the he!! out of that e-mail just wondering what to make of it. To me, the tone of the e-mail actually sounded kind of cold. She has this cutsey way of writing about her that just wasn't there. Guess I'm just making a mountain out of a mole hill - at least she wrote back. right?

 

I think I kept an open mind to whatever she would say, but honestly, the e-mail did not sit well with me. I've been thinking all day that the best course of action would be just to not reply back. Am I just being a petulant little brat? I don't honestly know how long i want to try to get back into her good graces. Its made me think how i was ever really in love with her? My flame for her is getting dimmer. On the other hand, this is perhaps exactly what she wants me to think and she is just putting me down nicely. Like i said, I'm overanalyzing it. Ouch, my head hurts!

[empty906]

What do you think of that post from LJ about the OW's 'agenda'? Scary stuff, huh? Kinda pisses you off, too.

 

I will think some more about this new information and see if I can't 'reanalyze' some things.

[dilly]

Yep! Like you said, quite the eye-opener! I did decide that I wasn't going to contact my OW at all. No contact at all, even friends. I just don't need that to suck me in again.

 

I don't think we got "used" empty, i think we used them too.

 

I feel like I'm more focused on my marriage and just the change in my attitude toward my W has made it a better environment. i think shes starting to notice and hasn't been bitchy at all. Things are on the up an up, and from what I saw you post, yours is going up too.

 

This forum saved me alot of money. My therapist hate you all! LOL!

[empty906]

We used them, too? Hmm, never saw it like that.

 

I just keep learning more and more about this whole thing. Very interesting.

 

 

(I just wanted to use the bunny atleast once. Why is this one of the options?!? )

 

[dilly]

never thought we would be the ones doing the 180 did you? (I think a hopping bunny would work for this instance, Hey I'm hoppy (happy!)

 

Reading what I wrote just a few days ago and what I've been able to change in just a few days time....amazing...:bunny::bunny:

[empty906]

It's only been a week, Dilly. We have been given alot of help these days and have learned even more about ourselves. I see I have alot to work through here at home but I do have a direction to head in. Thanks! Reading your post made me start mine and I am glad I did.

[dilly]

I guess we'll have to start a new thread in the "marriage" forum...

[dilly]

Been having a pretty rough Monday...I don't even want to be at work today...So I never did e-mail my OW back after her last e-mail i sent. I decided it was through and I was never going to contact her again.

 

Well guess what? I just got a text from her seeing how i was doing. Crap! All those old feelings just came back again. I really don't want to continue on even as friends because I know that I just can't do it. I don't want to burn the bridge but I think I'll write an e-mail telling her exactly why I feel the way I do and that its probably better that we don't talk anymore. For the sake of my sanity and my marriage, i think thats the best course of action.

 

What do you all think?