Another unrequited love post

[empty906]

Don't write it, Dilly!!!

 

Wait.

 

There is something to this whole agenda thing that LJ has been talking about. I am still not real clear on how to detect it but just to be playing safe DON'T WRITE THAT EMAIL.

 

Let's figure out what is really going on on her side first.

[dilly]

Your right. Thanks buddy. I'm just going over everything and trying to digest the information from your thread. I honestly don't think my OW had an agenda per se, that she just felt like she had her needs fulfilled by having my shoulder to cry on and I to her. I just took it too far and she backed off. Its just weird. I completely wrote her off and was about to cancel my unlimited text messaging today. Now we have been chatting like nothing ever happened. Go figure!

[empty906]

So what is going on, Dilly? Your passion has been restored towards your W but now you are also looking at restoring the relationship with the OW?

 

uh,oh

 

Now I am on your side and will hang there with you, you know that. But you know you can't have both. What's running through your head right now? And don't say the OW.

[dilly]

LOL! I'm pretty messed up aren't I!

 

I'm a "cakeeater" I'll admit it! Now with the prosepect of the OW coming into my life again, it just fuzzied up the picture. My decision at the time was based on the OW not wanting anything to do with me. Now she writes as if nothing happened. I so want to be her friend but I know in my heart that there is no way i can be with her since everytime i talk to her or see her, my heart melts a little bit more. I'd rather just distance myself from her so that never happens again. Honestly though, I really just don't want to lose her.

 

If I was practical about this. I figure..100% to my wife doesn't allow anything else for my OW. At this point leaving with the OW is completely out of the equation so that variable is eliminated. I really don't have a choice do I? I have to stay married and completely shut out the OW because I can be 100% happy if I stay married (assuming I can get the OW out of my head with time) or just 50% happy since the OW is taking the other 50% of my happiness and my wife the other 50%.

 

Same situation empty. Are you still going to remain friends with your OW?

[empty906]

Easier to say than do, but if you do love your W still, and things did pick up and she was responding positively, and you were pleased with the new passion between you and your W then I would offer the suggestion of staying with her. Your W.

 

But how to stop thinking of the OW is something I don't think you are capable of. Honestly. Too much transpired there and she is under your skin now. If you had ZERO contact with her then her memory would be all you would have to deal with. And over the period of a few weeks only the strongest memories still hang with you.

 

I think the OW will always be with you. I still have a little soft spot for the girl I was engaged to before my W. I knew standing at the alter that my W would never have 100% of my heart. Not possible with me.

 

I think you would beat yourself up unnecessarily if you tried to wipe her from your mind.

 

As for me, will I continue to be friends with the OW? I don't know. I really don't know. It seems like I should cease contact with the OW and continue to try and love my W. But neither of those options have any appeal to them.

 

If possible, I would like to meet with the OW sometime and find out more of what's going on. I was meeting some people when I had to get off the phone with her. I kept driving around and around talking and finally stopped and sat in the parking lot for a long time. Everyone was waiting for me to come in and we didn't finish talking about everything.

 

But stopping the frinedship? I didn't contact her for about six weeks there awhile back. It didn't help my marriage and didn't seem to affect our friendship. I don't see her being the problem between my W and I right now. But I could be wrong about that, too.

[dilly]

Well, i just read your thread. Wow! Didn't see that coming. You can't have both and now you don't want either of them!

 

I'm rooting for you! You're going to have to let me know how that turns out.

[dilly]

I think the OW will always be with you. I still have a little soft spot for the girl I was engaged to before my W. I knew standing at the alter that my W would never have 100% of my heart. Not possible with me.

Aint that the truth. I still have e-mails from an old flame 10 years ago and i reread them every once in a while.

 

Did you read that thread on "do you think you settled when you got married"

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t111471/?highlight=settle

 

I settled. This was what i wrote:

 

My W and I have been married for 8 years, having known her for 13 years. We dated for 3.5 years before i popped the question. Right before i got married I became friends with another girl and eventually fell for her. Now I never cheated on my STBW with the girl but I would have, if she had felt the same way about me as i did her. Right then, I knew i had cold feet and honestly I didn't want to get married. The problem was we had put down some hefty deposits for the wedding and all the invitations were mailed out, tuxes rented..I felt like I had an obligation to her to get married. So I did it. Did i marry the wrong girl? Yes. She is just not in my mind the ideal woman for me. I think my wife is beautiful as many people actually compliment her on her looks but she's brunette, short and petite. My ideal woman has always been tall and long legged. Yeah I know...IM SHALLOW! She is a great mother to our children, and overall a pretty good catch. The thing she isn't is she just isn't that sweet. She's kind of aloof and independent. I like a girl that is more sweet and dependent on me. I love to pamper a girl and she doesn't like to be pampered. As a matter of fact, she never wanted to hold hands as that was just "icky" and no public displays of affection, ever. I love showing intamacy. We are basically very opposite people. As the years came , despite our differences, I grew to love my wife, or so i thought. This was until the other girl came along.

 

I almost had a fling with a MW just recently, but she didn't feel the same way I did. This girl was everything I imagined my perfect girl would be. I felt more love for this MW than I think i ever did for my W. this girl actually cared for me in a way that my wife never did for me. She was the exact opposite of my wife which meant she was alot like me. Guys, this girl was spectacular. She was gorgeous, model like face and body, Sweet as a button, not only that, she loved to watch sports, and even bought her H a motorcycle. Whats not to love? She also totally was into me, or so I thought. After countless texts, voice calls and e-mails, I misread all the signals and found out she only thought of us as friends. Doh! The trouble is, my expectations of a woman was just raised higher. And now my relationship with my W just seems so mundane.

 

Circumstances being what they are, I 'm still with my wife. i know in my heart that I will always desire another woman as I don't feel i'm with my true soul mate. The next step would be to actually get a divorce but I'm really working on trying to find some real love with my W. I honestly don't know why i feel that way. i still look at my wife and i know other guys find her desirable so i should be flattered she chose me as her husband. Oh i know why, maybe its the years of NAGGING and trying to CONTROL me...!!!!

 

crappy thing is I just can't get that notion out of my head that i could get better.

[empty906]

How was your Valentine's Day? Spend it w/ both?

[dilly]

It was pretty good. i had a dozen red roses waiting for her at her desk at work. Dropped the kids off at the grandparents house and surprised my wife the day before Valentines day with dinner at a nice restaurant. I bought her a really nice watch but she is going to return it for a purse. I hate shopping..they end up returning everything I buy. Oh well. Its the thought that counts right?

 

So everything is better. It will take some time but I think she is noticing my extra effort. We still fight but its not all the time. Definitely times where there's a break in the clouds.

 

Although...

We had a serious talk the other day and it still bugs me that she won't take the extra steps toward making our marriage good. She just doesn't want to try. At least i'm trying right?

 

So how was your Valentines Empty?

 

Edit...Oh sorry, just read your post.

 

I know how you feel. Although it was nice and romantic, my heart wasn't completely there.

[empty906]

What's been happening, Dilly? Making any progress either way?

 

I have spent the past couple of weeks trying to get some work done and staying busy. No progress on 'falling in love' with my wife though she is still trying as hard as ever to convince me. It just isn't there for me...not yet anyway.

 

The OW still pops into my head every now and then but I refuse to contact her, though. I will just leave all of that alone.

 

I talked with a mutual friend of OW and I yesterday and really got to missing OW. Sometimes a song will also stir that stuff up and I usually turn the station, but not always. It is just going to take some time to all fade away.

 

Anyways, how are things on your side?

[dilly]

Hey Empty,

 

Just wondering how YOU were doing. Its kinda funny but the OW and I have become friends again. We talk all the time just as we did before. Its not completely back to normal as I know this time where the boundaries are. I'm just happy to be friends with her again. It was just strange. I had deleted her number from my phone and I was doing my best to erase her from my life. Then a week into it, boom, she text me how I was doing. I was still really hesitant to contact her and every time, she would contact me.

 

Now I have learned from this forum that its not healthy to keep speaking with her as I find i still have strong feelings for her, however, I'm just treating it as such- friends. Things have been better with my wife and i think its just my sacrificing many things in my life to make her happy. As with you, I'm staying busy with work and as well as family life. Busy enough where i don't have the time to think about anything else. I still am trying hard to have the same feelings with her as i do with the OW but its really - as you can attest - difficult. One day at a time my friend, one day at a time...

[empty906]

So what do you see as an answer? You know the stress that her friendship can eventually cause on your marriage. So what do you see happening down the road? Maybe leaning towards the OW or trying to ride the middle to see what happens?

 

I wonder what I would do if the same thing happened to me. Would I be overjoyed and try to rekindle that close friendship with the OW? Or would I walk away from her? You know, ...I honestly don't see myself being able to walk away from her right now. Like you, I would want things back to how they were when I first posted here but I can reread those posts and see how miserable and confused I was. Still miserable but not confused anymore! Just kidding.

 

Whenever I think about her I wonder what I would say if she called. What would she say? I check the email address I used to talk with her about everyday. "No new messages." I drive by her house on occasion, just to see if her husband is home.

 

It's tough having the OW there, Dilly. You know this. But it isn't any easier having her away, huh?

[empty906]

Still around, Dilly? I am curious to hear how things are going with you.

[bones]

I'm in a similar situation, except I'm the woman and it is a man that has been mean to me. One minute we are great friends, the next he is cold and distant. Now at a time in my life when I'm losing my Dad to cancer, I need my friends. I sent an e-mail that basically told him he's emotionally unavailable, needs to get laid and is a coward for being unable to confront me with his honest feelings-- whether they are good or bad. There were also a lot of nice things, but it was brutally honest. I'm sure I just put a nail in the coffin of our relationship, but I'm just tired of being treated poorly when I've been nothing but a supportive friend. We've never been physical, nor has he ever been clear about how he feels about me-- although there have been many indications that it is attraction beyond "friends". I'm hurting a lot, but realize life is too short to waste it on superficial friends. I need real ones that will help me through the next four months of living hell.

 

I wish you all the best and would like to hear your perspective on my situation.

[empty906]

Bones, I don't know where Dilly got off to. He has a good story to tell if he checks back in one day.

 

Sorry to hear what has been happening with you. What's the four month mark you are referring to?

 

How often does he come around if you two are on and off?

[bones]

Empty,

 

The four months is probably how long my Dad has to live. Unfortunately, the ex-friend I'm refering to is someone I see on a regular basis- want to or not- because we travel in the same circle.

 

Yesterday I confronted him because he - once again- was avoiding the question of "What is our friendship worth to you..." I was spot on when I predicted the email would put the nail in the coffin. He flipped out. Which goes to prove I was right. He is emotionally unavailable and can't have a conversation that contains feelings without blowing up. He said we have nothing, never had anything and never will. So I was also right on the second note-- he just liked the superficial attention and obviously doesn't really know what it means to be a friend.

 

I have to say I was disappointed, but after that reaction realize I'm way better off and today, don't really think I care all that much. I'll probably end up running into him later today. I don't see that we'll have a problem ignoring oneanother successfully. It's too bad we do things with a whole group of people because there will be noticable coldness. For a while I think people thought we were having an affair - which we were not. They will definately notice we are not on friendly terms anymore. I don't want to air any dirty laundry till this blow out blows over. Any thoughts or suggestions?