I cheated

[mhill143]

I need some help.26 months ago i cheated on my husband, well he wasn't my husband yet we were engaged. We got married two months later and i never told him. He left on a deployment two weeks after we got married. And a few months later I found out I was pregnant!! I was so scared and i didn't want to tell him so I stopped answering his calls( big mistake) Anyway when he came home I told him about the affair because in case the child I was pregnant with wasn't his or didn't look like him I didn't want any bad surprises. So I told him about the affair. It was a one night stand and I totally cut the other guy out of my life..I haven't spoke to him since and he never knew i was pregnant. Anyway two weeks after he got home I gave birth to my son, only to find out later it's not my husbands child!! He was so mad at me, but somehow we are still together. He is really good with my son and takes great care of him even though its not his kid, but me and my husband have been on the rocks for the last year and a half. He keeps telling me to make it up to him, but i just don't know how! I need some fresh ideas i've apologized a million times and it just means nothing to him. I want to make it up to him but i've racked my brain on new ideas and nothing comes out. Please help If you can. I know i sound terrible and i am for doing what i did, but I really am trying to make things better, Ive just run out of ideas.

[Javelin]

Ive just run out of ideas.

 

I don't want to sound harsh, but do your husband a favor and file for divorce. You're mistake unfortunately is 99.9% unforgivable and to allow him to take care of another man's child is completely wrong. The biological father doesn't even know he exists and what are you going to tell your son when he is old enough to know your current husband isn't his real father?

 

You have a new life with a new family now, you decided that when you had your one night stand. Your husband probably wants to be with someone he can start a new with.

[Storyrider]

I disagree with the previous poster's advice. If your husband is willing to be a good father to your boy, it would be wrong to take that away.

 

If you love your husband, tell him you want to move forward on the condition that he sincerely forgives you. If he can't forgive you, he should be the one to file for divorce, but if he decides to stay he needs to make a conscious choice to forgive you from this day forward or there is no point trying to make it work.

[Island Girl]

Javelin -- I do not agree.

 

1. It is her husbands decision if he wants to raise the child. Some people out there do not have such a narrow view as you.

 

2. Her husband is obviously trying to work it out and THERE ARE couples who work through infidelity.

 

3. It is something I'm sure they will share with the child when the time comes just like those who adopt.

 

So possibly you would not be able to forgive or raise the child as your own but her husband obviously wants to try.

 

Now mhill143:

 

It is something time will help with certainly but you should be talking with someone - the two of you.

He is in the military so there are counselors to talk to.

 

Take advantage of it - there are exercises to help strengthen your intimacy together.

 

And things you can do to help him with insecurity and to get past the affair.

 

One fact is that you are going to have to understand it will not be instant. It is going to take time for him to be able to trust you again.

 

Until then you must be ready to accomodate even the most ridiculous things like showing him grocery receipts, etc. without question.

Make your life an open book to him and tell him nothing is off limits.

 

The conversations about the affair aren't helpful unless moderated by someone else you can really get into some tricky ground there. Because there are certainly things he'll ask that will not help but actually create more problems with moving past it.

 

But the rest of your life, your actions - where you are going and with who should be given up freely.

 

Encourage him to check up on you if he feels he needs to. For instance allow him access to friends numbers or addresses, etc.

 

If you are not doing anything wrong, it won't be a problem - and it will help him tremendously.

 

Be prepared for the long haul. The change for the better may not happen right away.

 

Good luck.

[Javelin]

I respect your opinions, but to label my view as, ‘narrow minded’ is a bit impolite.

 

That said, I believe infidelity is accepted far too lightly in today’s society as a, "work around" problem and quite frankly, after a situation of this magnitude arises; you will shatter your relationship/marriage anyway you want to put it.

 

In this case, it’s marriage, which makes it even worse and now all those life vows you repeated at your ceremony are gone, so what’s left… American Beauty, if you catch what I’m saying…? You could have all the counseling you want, but I’ll bet my life savings (which isn’t much) that not one person in this world would fully trust their spouse after an affair, especially if it yields a child. So what's left in the marriage if you cannot fully trust your S.O..?

 

As for her husband,

He’s obviously a good man if he’s willing to father another man’s child after an affair, but that’s not fair to him! It’s just careless, selfish, and cruel! What happens when the real biological father comes into the scene and wants to take custody of his son? It’ll just add more hurt & pain down the road for both parties, which from the jump, could have been avoided. Also, what about the in-laws, how will his parents take her actions when they find out she’s given birth to a child, married- to their son, with another man? How will her family take it?

 

You see, these are key factors people seem to forget and don't think that's all! There are many other sides to this dice, I've yet to roll.

[Madeamistake]

It’s just careless, selfish, and cruel! What happens when the real biological father comes into the scene and wants to take custody of his son? It’ll just add more hurt & pain down the road for both parties, which from the jump, could have been avoided. Also, what about the in-laws, how will his parents take her actions when they find out she’s given birth to a child, married- to their son, with another man? How will her family take it?

 

You see, these are key factors people seem to forget and don't think that's all! There are many other sides to this dice, I've yet to roll.

 

I must say that you do have a point on this particular topic, although it is up to her and her husband on how to deal with it.

 

Sont you think that you are bein a bit too subjective on the matter of trust.

 

Just an opinion of mine!

[Sup]

That is fraud IMO. Divorce your hubby, but DON'T take him for any money, or anything. If you don't do this he WILL resent you, and the child for the rest of his life. By the way, why did you cheat?

[pricillia]

Ok, I am not saying that the cheating was right on her part, She did come clean though and was honest with her husband about what she did, If he wants to stay to be a good father then they should try to work on it...

[Shattered Reality]

Yes, she cheated on him. But, it seems to me that she is remorseful over it and is trying to make things up to her husband, who knowing about the affair has chosen to stay with her and raise her child as his own. And she came here for advice on how to work things out with him, not to be bashed because she cheated in the first place.

 

An affair itself would be something huge for a couple to work through, and then with the added reminder of a child that is not his, I can only imagine what the two of you are going through. I agree though that counseling would be a great place to start. Forgiveness takes time, it does not happen overnight. But if you are both determined to work things out between you, then I think you will be able to. Good luck!

[Tortured]

You care only about your own pleasure and want to use this good man. Right? Screw another man but use your husband. What's stopping you from doing this again? You crossed a line and now want to work it out? Why do people do this?

 

Cheaters really want to destroy their mates.

[Curmudgeon]

That's a bit harsh and doesn't fit this situation. So she screwed up, literally. But re-read her post. Her husband, while helping raise this child, is demanding that she make it up to him. That comes across as bondage. I think they'd both be better off, as would the child, if they mutually part company, she goes after her ONS for support and they both get on with their lives apart from on another.

 

This issue is tearing them apart and it just isn't worth it. In the end, the child will be the one to suffer. This is a "family" unit that will likely not last. Better to end it now rather than later.

 

For the record, as a former career soldier, I can get real passionate about "Jody" but this situation needs to be dealt with reasonably.

[Guest]

So she is remorseful about her past actions and wants to work things out now. This is impossible. Her husband sounds like a really loyal and upstanding guy. He is even attempting to raise her little bastard spawn. However this child is THE reason why her deed will always linger in their relationship. The child is innocent but is none the less a potential problem and may ultimately be submitted to unwarranted punishment for her crimes.

 

Imagine that your husband will desire a child of his own at some point. Now imagine that the arrival of this second child is met with resentment from the first child. This is fairly common in families particularly with young children. It's called sibling rivalry. It is generally a natural part of their development. Usually when this occurs the parents will defend the more defensless younger child but your situation is different. Its totally possible that this common circumstance will escalate in your family by placing your husband in direct competition with his non-child. If you appear to show this child more affection than your husband or his children then it is possible that you will get similar results.

 

Do you see this picture? Husbands versus non-child. Husband's children versus non-child. If your husband can't afford to put both HIS potential children and this non-child through college who do you think he will choose. Apply that same answer to any question dealing with limited resources or time. If the children compete for attention or quality time or in the decision making for family functions you will likely see the non-child becoming more and more alienated. Then there is the possibilty that the older non-child injures the younger child. How do you think your husband would react? Here you have the possibility that your husband goes overkill while punishing his no-child.

 

What happens when the non-child reaches its teens and becomes defiant? Will the non-child be held more accountable and be punished more severly than it would have if it were his own? There is potential here for the innocent unrelated child's family life to be cold, unloving, noninclusive, even abusive. You screwed up.

 

So you can take this first option and risk ruining yor kid's childhood or you can try these other options.

 

You can get a divorce and raise your child by yourself. Keep in mind that your own family might distance themselves from this child at first especially if they really liked and respected your possible ex-husband. This would likely heal though and before long you could trust that you, your child and its extended family would become a loving unit. You would also be giving you husband a chance to have a NORMAL family if he wanted to pursue such a thing.

 

You can put the child up for adoption. This might be upsetting at first and really the only one that would feel any sense of pain or loss would be you. You play you pay. On the upside the child would have a better chance for a healthy childhood, a normal family and a more qualified mother.

 

Before anyone says that her cheating has no bearing on the quality of her parenting take a look at option one which she is currently pursuing and ask yourself if a good mother would risk this sort of misfortune for their child. Whith this situation you can then be free to work on your marriage with your current victim, I mean husband, though you will probably misdirect your sorrow and anger with yourself at him and blame him for the loss of your first child. Really though, this is your fault and responsibility and not his.

 

In short you have to choose: your husband, your child or the current trainwreck that you caused and insist upon continuing.

[Madeamistake]

Yep! I think people are being too harsh on her. Looking at her post again, I understand that she is only human and has made her mistakes. No one here is without sin, regret and remorse for something that they wish they had not done. I guess hers had some larger consequences. It happened once, she did not go back to doing again and it was rather unfortunate that she ended up falling pregos with the other guy's child.

 

The best I could then basically say to mhill143 is to try counselling for couples as well as individuals. Pray about it and God will give you the answer.

 

Best of luck!

[Salicious Crumb]

I need some help.26 months ago i cheated on my husband, well he wasn't my husband yet we were engaged. We got married two months later and i never told him. He left on a deployment two weeks after we got married. And a few months later I found out I was pregnant!! I was so scared and i didn't want to tell him so I stopped answering his calls( big mistake) Anyway when he came home I told him about the affair because in case the child I was pregnant with wasn't his or didn't look like him I didn't want any bad surprises. So I told him about the affair. It was a one night stand and I totally cut the other guy out of my life..I haven't spoke to him since and he never knew i was pregnant. Anyway two weeks after he got home I gave birth to my son, only to find out later it's not my husbands child!! He was so mad at me, but somehow we are still together. He is really good with my son and takes great care of him even though its not his kid, but me and my husband have been on the rocks for the last year and a half. He keeps telling me to make it up to him, but i just don't know how! I need some fresh ideas i've apologized a million times and it just means nothing to him. I want to make it up to him but i've racked my brain on new ideas and nothing comes out. Please help If you can. I know i sound terrible and i am for doing what i did, but I really am trying to make things better, Ive just run out of ideas.

 

As a man who is married to someone that also cheated when we were engaged and found out years later, this story rings too true. Only difference, my kids are mine.

 

What can you do to make it up to him? Nothing really. In his mind you are not the same person that he married. No matter what happens he will never FULLY trust you. That doesn't mean you can't move on, but things will never be the same.

Even if he doesn't show it, there will always be some deep down, bottled up resentment towards you.

 

He is doing well with your son because he is a decent man...and I'm sorry to say...you messed up big time....but you already know that.

 

Honestly, he is probably got the same anger, thoughts, resentment, visions in his head of you spreading your legs for another man that I have with regards to my wife(I by the way am trying to stay for my kids).

So I can relate.

 

Since your son is not his, maybe you two should divorce and this other man needs to pay support. Your husband may not want that because he may have an attachment to your son....but I really don't see things just going away.

 

He will always throw this back in your face from time to time, and who could really blame him? And he will never really trust you in certain situations again. I bet his mind races when he is deployed, wondering if you are going out behind his back.

 

So what can you do? Nothing really. You have proven to him, even though he wants you to make it up to him, that he isn't that important to you. Maybe you two shouldn't be together.

[Salicious Crumb]

I don't want to sound harsh, but do your husband a favor and file for divorce. You're mistake unfortunately is 99.9% unforgivable and to allow him to take care of another man's child is completely wrong.

 

I completely agree...not so much about the taking care of another man's child part, but the 99.9% unforgivable.

[Salicious Crumb]

Yep! I think people are being too harsh on her. Looking at her post again, I understand that she is only human and has made her mistakes.

 

Cheating is not a mistake. Its a conscious decision and action to betray someone. Its not a matter of her finding herself in the same room with another man naked, she spreads her legs, the other guy trips and his member accidentally falls into her.

 

"Oops...I'm sorry miss...this just doesn't seem to be my day".

 

 

No one here is without sin, regret and remorse for something that they wish they had not done.

 

True, but we are talking about cheating here...the ultimate betrayal. I have never cheated, never will...so in that sense I am without.

[Madeamistake]

Hi Salicious.

 

When one refers to cheating as a mistake, I dont mean one slips and falls... I mean one thinks (Consciuos decision) it is o.k at the time then there after, realizes it was the worst mistake of her life (Wrong decision - therefore a mistake in terms of the decision one took). If she carried on then we would think otherwise.

 

We are all humans here and all have done things that we are not proud off at the end of the day, so please quit judging her and labelling her like she is the worst thing to walk on this earth.

 

Who knows what she was going through mentally at the time (When she cheated) and her affair was probably what she thought could be her way out.

 

Yes she betrayed her now husband, but bare in mind that we cant play God here! Only God can! Yes cheating is one of the most painful forms of betrayal and sometimes the pain is on both sides. She has regret and remorse - cut her some slack.

 

Anyway, her husband took the decision to stay because he loves her. Let that decision be his. Instead of running her down, look at her with compassion and bare in mind that she has given birth to a child that reminds her of her sin everyday and will for the rest of her life.

 

I also think that you may need to let go of the anger that you hold for being betrayed. Its not a healthy mental state that you have and seem to take it out on her when you should at least offer some form of positive support.

 

Yes you may say you will never cheat, but half of us have also thought that, until a situation arose and temptation got the best of us!

 

Let go. Look with compassion and forgive. You will be happier and healthier in life. The negativity has already taken place in her life, let something positive flow from here on!

 

[Cecelius]

The OP said the husband told her to make it up to him. That's the context

 

Personally, if I were the husband, I'd have been out of there when I found out about the "affair"

 

But I think the husband is looking for payback, which doesn't sound healthy to me. While I personally would have left, not looking back, the OP cannot live under the thumb of this for their marriage -- she may have done it, but he has to forgive it for them to have anything.

 

So I would strongly counsel the OP to avoid just making it up to him. You need to figure out what's really going on here in his mind.

 

Lastly, SC and Javelin - I agree, personally. Its posts like this that make a sane man want to avoid marriage like the plague. No one has yet mentioned that if the OP dumps this poor guy, he will be paying child support for this child that isn't even his...

[Salicious Crumb]

Anyway, her husband took the decision to stay because he loves her. Let that decision be his. Instead of running her down, look at her with compassion

 

Cheaters deserve no compassion.

 

Besides...she asked a question and as a man in the same situation she has put her husband in, I told her what we think.

 

Her husband by constantly demanding that she make it up to him is telling her..."I resent you". There really isn't anything she can do. He will always bottle up resentment of some sort. I told her that doesn't mean they can't move on and have some sort of normalcy, but for the rest of his life he will have some sort of resentment....and who could blame him?

 

 

Yes you may say you will never cheat, but half of us have also thought that, until a situation arose and temptation got the best of us!

 

I refuse to become what I despise...but not for that reason only. Only the weak cheat. Sorry, there are some of us out here that have a sense of decency.

 

I have had the opportunity on business trips...and even though some might say I'd be justified in cheating also...I won't.

 

Let go. Look with compassion and forgive. You will be happier and healthier in life. The negativity has already taken place in her life, let something positive flow from here on!

 

 

That all sounds good...but it still won't change the fact that visions of what she did will remain in his mind forever.

[Salicious Crumb]

So I would strongly counsel the OP to avoid just making it up to him. You need to figure out what's really going on here in his mind.

 

And that was the point of my post. I know what he is thinking...I went through it myself. and his demands of her to make it up to him hit too close to home.

 

Lastly, SC and Javelin - I agree, personally. Its posts like this that make a sane man want to avoid marriage like the plague. No one has yet mentioned that if the OP dumps this poor guy, he will be paying child support for this child that isn't even his...

 

Yup....I never understood that. But this is what seems to happen to good men.....and then women wonder why they can't find a good one.

 

Once bitten, twice shy.

[Sup]

 

Lastly, SC and Javelin - I agree, personally. Its posts like this that make a sane man want to avoid marriage like the plague. No one has yet mentioned that if the OP dumps this poor guy, he will be paying child support for this child that isn't even his...

 

 

I agree wholeheartedly! It would be better to be alone for the rest of your life, than to have to go through all of this crap!

 

Believe it or not, I'm HIGHLY considering NEVER marrying, I feel I would be better off, however, women also wonder where all the GOOD men have wandered off to, This answers that question, they all got smart and said "FORGET IT"!

[Guest]

Yea theres really no excuse for cheating.....................ever. I don't know when it became acceptable in society to stab the person you love more then anyone else in the back. I understand that the woman is remorseful, and although I've never been in that situation, she's probably hurting way less then her husband. That said................I give the OP alot of credit for telling her husband. If my wife ever cheated on me I would much rather be told then find out myself.............having to find out for yourself is like a slap in the face.

 

I would TRY to stay together if she told me and if I felt she was truley remorseful, but there is no way I could ever forget about it. It would come up in every argument probably and eventually probably kill the relationship. It's like the wedding vows people take are more like guidelines. The most depressing part about this all is that probably less than half of all people who cheat wont get caught. It seriously makes me not ever wanna get married and I'm only 21.

 

But lets say for example that the OPs husband cheated on her................Would people be trying to support and console him or would they be teling him hes a sc*mbag and thats what he gets........