insomnie Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 I got knocked up a month ago and I'm keeping the baby, no question about it. BF and I are college students and we plan on raising it together, with the help of both sides of the family. Now, my parents are pushing us to get married. According to my mom, babies "need" to be born into a "family", not to boyfriend/girlfriends. Also, she says she doens't see a point in us NOT being married if we are dating, living together, and having a child. After all, a child is a much bigger commitment. I kind of see her point. Besides, it's going to be tough having a child right now anyway, and being married would solve some problems because we'd be eligible for more programs, like discounted student family housing. Also, I worry that if we don't get married now bf will have no motivation to propose to me later on, since he'd be getting EVERYTHING "for free" - sex, living togehter, a child. And, I think it would be easier for me to be more selfless when it comes to joint decisions if we were married, because I would feel like they were "our" decisions, made for the betterment of the family, as opposed to his and mine. Things like who stays home to take care of the child while the other goes to grad school, where do we move after college, how do we handle finances, etc. If we aren't married, and he makes it clear that he doens't want to be, I'm going to feel like I have to watch my back with him. My logic is that if he doesn't want to even though we're having a child togehter, he doesn't see himself with me for the rest of his life. So, I should watch out for my own well-being and make sure I'm not going to get screwed when we do separate. Incidentally there is no question in my mind that I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I've known this for a while. I also feel that I am mature enough to handle marriage. But, shotgun weddings are so tacky =(. And, I don't want him to feel pressured to marry me now. I would rather get married when we BOTH felt like it, and I would rather the vows actually mean something. I want him to know he wants to spend the rest of his life with me...not to promise me to do it because he's afraid of my dad and explaining all this to various conservative relatives. What do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
ShoeGirl Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 I would say wait and get married when you are both ready. If you get married now when neither of you really want to then it will just put more strain on your relationship. If you get married now and in a few years (or whenever) one of you decides it wasn't the right choice, divorce costs a lot of money. Besides you want to be able to have the wedding you have always dreamed about, not a shotgun wedding I don't know a whole lot about your relationship with your bf but from what I have read it sounds a lot like the situation my brother was in a few years ago. He and his girlfriend had been together about 2 years and she found out she was pregnant. A few people from each of their families kept pushing them to get married before the baby was born but they didn't. They just got married in December (a week after my nieces 2nd birthday). I was talking to my sister-in-law and she said that she thinks that if they got married when she was pregnant it would have been too stressful. She is glad that they decided to wait to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 I think you should go ahead and see if your boyfriend wants to get married in the near future. If you both love each other then why wait until later. You could have a beautifiul wedding with 3-6 months of planning time. If he doesn't want to get married, you need to collect child support. You don't have to wait until the baby is born to make this request. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Fly My Pretties Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 I'd do a compromise. Get engaged now, but tell your parents that you don't want anyone to say you "had" to get married and you'll tie the knot at some point after the baby is born. But explain that you ARE engaged. Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 I'd do a compromise. Get engaged now, but tell your parents that you don't want anyone to say you "had" to get married and you'll tie the knot at some point after the baby is born. But explain that you ARE engaged. I agree. Don't get married out of pressure . wait and get married only if and when you are married . I can just hear your guy in ten years telling some oW " I only married her cause' she was pregnant ". But anyway . Get engaged and wait a while . see how the wind may blow. Link to post Share on other sites
LN99 Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 I would wait. Friends of mine waited until their child was 2, to get married. They got engaged while she was pregnant though. She wanted to get married for the right reasons, and not because she was pregnant. Plus, they got a chance to plan the wedding that they both wanted. In the long run, its a lot better. Once a baby comes into the picture, things can change for the worse or the better. If you rush into it now, you both may regret it later. No one should "pressure" you guys. Afterall, it is between you and him. You both will know when and if it feels right. Link to post Share on other sites
vluna00 Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 DO NOT FEEL FORCED TO GET MARRIED! I come from a strong religious background and when I became pregnant before marriage...We will just say my ancestors rolled in their graves. It was hard to stand my own ground and against the grain from the ideal ways of the family and the church, however getting married just to please others and not yourself is a NO NO. Thankfully my mother took my side when I refuse to marry, nothing is worse than taking a child through an ugly divorce. Anyway seems to me you and the BF need to talk about future plans now. Place all your concerns at the table and have a plan as well as a back up plan. If you guys love each other and want to marry after the baby is born than that is cool as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 My EXW and I were in that boat, about 15 years ago. For us, it was not bad to have gotten married (for most of the reasons you cite, plus I just wanted to do the right thing), but the subsequent years it did NOT work out well. For one, I was way too focused on financial survival and success, rather than balancing it with her desires/needs, etc. We allocated responsibility (I worked and finished school, then she finished school) but I felt, and still do to this day, that she was more slack than she should have been. Fast forward 10 years, and financial stability had arrived (honestly, through my efforts). I was bitter about how much it had cost me and the relative life of liesure she had led. Meanwhile, because I was too young and single minded to see it, she was waiting for proof that I had chosen her and this life. In all honestly, I'd basically just done it to have done the right thing, and basically made it worse than it would have been if I'd been more sure of things back in the day. So I would point out that the most important thing is to understand is whether you feel like you know enough about the other person, what they will do, how hard they will work, etc., and attempt, without being brutal about it, to understand exactly what the responsibilities of both sides will be. On that basis, I think you may be in a much better position to wait it out until you can make these decisions on a solid ground. Link to post Share on other sites
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