bowbunny Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 I have never been alone my whole life. I started dated very young. Got married when I was 20. Divorced after 13 years. Had several boyfriends since my marriage. My relationships usually last two years. Recently broken up with this man I am with but keep going back to him. I don't know why I look for another relationship as soon as I am out of one. Can anyone explain why I feel this way? Any help would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerRae Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 That's a tough one... I know a few people like that... I too feel that way inside, and yet refuse to settle... Have you explored counselling before?? It might help you sort those unresolved issues... Wish I could be of more help... HUGS... Link to post Share on other sites
Author bowbunny Posted February 3, 2007 Author Share Posted February 3, 2007 Yes I just started counsiling, and he asked me that question. I have a hard to responding because i really don't have an answer. Hoping counsiling will bring out the reason. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 Yes I just started counsiling, and he asked me that question. I have a hard to responding because i really don't have an answer. Hoping counsiling will bring out the reason. thanks I had the same issues with being alone for a very long time. Last year after my breakup I decided it's time to be alone for a long time, as a therapy I thought this was essential. It was very hard a first, but I think everyone needs to explore being by themselves for a significant amount of time. I teaches you about yourself, and it allows you to face your true self and issues you have. I finally got to the point where I am comfortable with who I am, and have a much broader knowlege of what I want out of life. I say bite the bullet, and take a year only to yourself, do nearly everything by yourself and prove to you that you are capable of sustaining yourself on your own. Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 Hi, Yeah, I'm like that too. I don't like to be alone because I like sex much too much and I like to cuddle with someone. Since it's been impossible for me to be with someone with whom I have a soul connection, I've settled for being with nice guys that are good to me, help me, and that I have a good time with. I guess in my case I just can't ask for more. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 I've settled for being with nice guys that are good to me, help me, and that I have a good time with Mmmm...I would be careful with this. You probably need to consider if you are really settling for less or if you really want this kind of person and they are for you. If not, it could lead to issues later. Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 Hi, Well, I know what a soul connection is like and it's very hard to find. Chances are most guy I meet won't be it. So, I still enjoy my time with them, but is just missing something. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 Hi, Well, I know what a soul connection is like and it's very hard to find. Chances are most guy I meet won't be it. So, I still enjoy my time with them, but is just missing something. Ariadne True.......... Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 I've settled for being with nice guys that are good to me, help me, and that I have a good time with. Jee, that must make the guy in question feel all warm and fuzzy. bowbunny, the point of your therapist asking you that question is for you to think about it and find the answer for yourself. For me, the question was why I was settling from crumbs from my exh. It took me months to think about this question and I finally found the answer, because he wasnt an alcholic like my dad. I put up with crap simply because he wasnt an alcoholic. I realized then that if I ever DID meet anyone who turned out to be an alcoholic, I could leave. I never really thought I had that option. It was definitely an eye opener. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 Jee, that must make the guy in question feel all warm and fuzzy. Yep. All warm and fuzzy inside. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 hi Bunnybow, This is a good thread & I like what others have posted & realate especially to dgirl and rooster. I had non-stop relationships starting from age 18 to 37. Maybe just a few months alone in which I was actively dating in between one or two of those. Finally a therapist I saw asked me to just go 6 months alone after my marriage and an awful rebound relationship ended. I was scared, I couldn't stand the idea of waking up alone and not having a physical relationship, a man to do things with. But tho it was difficult at first, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I rediscovered who I was, found all this strength, learned to love my own company. Made me able to bring all these goodies to the table in relationships. I'm still a work in progress as my most recent LTR has just ended, and I'm dealing with some of the old fears, but knowing I can be there for myself in crucial ways is a gift I got from being alone. I know it's scary, but you can do it. I forget, you are seeing a therapist, yes? That's a great help, as a good therapist holds the mirror up so you can see your strengths. Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 J For me, the question was why I was settling from crumbs from my exh. It took me months to think about this question and I finally found the answer, because he wasnt an alcholic like my dad. I put up with crap simply because he wasnt an alcoholic. I realized then that if I ever DID meet anyone who turned out to be an alcoholic, I could leave. I never really thought I had that option. It was definitely an eye opener. I so relate to this, dgirl!! Link to post Share on other sites
SummerRae Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 hi Bunnybow, This is a good thread & I like what others have posted & realate especially to dgirl and rooster. I had non-stop relationships starting from age 18 to 37. Maybe just a few months alone in which I was actively dating in between one or two of those. Finally a therapist I saw asked me to just go 6 months alone after my marriage and an awful rebound relationship ended. I was scared, I couldn't stand the idea of waking up alone and not having a physical relationship, a man to do things with. But tho it was difficult at first, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I rediscovered who I was, found all this strength, learned to love my own company. Made me able to bring all these goodies to the table in relationships. I'm still a work in progress as my most recent LTR has just ended, and I'm dealing with some of the old fears, but knowing I can be there for myself in crucial ways is a gift I got from being alone. I know it's scary, but you can do it. I forget, you are seeing a therapist, yes? That's a great help, as a good therapist holds the mirror up so you can see your strengths. Yes, I can totally relate to what you're saying too!! I am taking a personal vow to be alone for one year. Not to be in a relationship for the next year, if at all possible. Just to be with me and learn to love myself again. I really believe that when we take that time for ourselves and we truely learn to enjoy our own company, then we are in a position to give back in a relationship, without feeling that need for someone to fill that HOLE inside us. I know this in my head, and yet, I have such a difficult time following it. Life is tough sometimes. Especially when it comes to dealing with these emotions that we have but feel like we can't really control. I'm curious to hear what you all think about why it is so hard to be alone sometime? Anyone have any insights from what they have learned in therapy?? Summer Link to post Share on other sites
Noos Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 It's an issue for therapy. You feel anxious/scared or depressed alone don't you? Is your self-esteem dependent on whether you have a man in your life? Or you feel bad about yourself when you're alone because you think it means you're inferior. You need the approval boost of having someone with you all the time - that's your "evidence" that you are worthwhile. It's a self-esteem thing that can be solved with CBT. Get thee to a therapist. It's okay to discuss the thoughts running around in your head with a professional. Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 Yes, I can totally relate to what you're saying too!! I am taking a personal vow to be alone for one year. Not to be in a relationship for the next year, if at all possible. Just to be with me and learn to love myself again. I really believe that when we take that time for ourselves and we truely learn to enjoy our own company, then we are in a position to give back in a relationship, without feeling that need for someone to fill that HOLE inside us. I know this in my head, and yet, I have such a difficult time following it. Life is tough sometimes. Especially when it comes to dealing with these emotions that we have but feel like we can't really control. I'm curious to hear what you all think about why it is so hard to be alone sometime? Anyone have any insights from what they have learned in therapy?? Summer I didn't learn this from therapy, but I think it's because we humans, as primates, are social, not solitary creatures. If the deep desire to be in a loving relationship was not part of our make-up then LS would not exist! I also think that intimate romantic relationships, at their best and even their worst, create the opportunity for spiritual growth that humans yearn for for whatever reason. This is not to say I believe in God, because I am up in the air on that, but I do believe in the human soul (well, all things' "souls") for whatever that's worth. This could just be some genetically encoded thing, but it sure seems to be a part of the "human condition" hey, aren't you watching the superbowl? Link to post Share on other sites
SummerRae Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 I didn't learn this from therapy, but I think it's because we humans, as primates, are social, not solitary creatures. If the deep desire to be in a loving relationship was not part of our make-up then LS would not exist! I also think that intimate romantic relationships, at their best and even their worst, create the opportunity for spiritual growth that humans yearn for for whatever reason. This is not to say I believe in God, because I am up in the air on that, but I do believe in the human soul (well, all things' "souls") for whatever that's worth. This could just be some genetically encoded thing, but it sure seems to be a part of the "human condition" hey, aren't you watching the superbowl? Polywog---how INSIGHTFUL. Thank you for your words! I am so glad to hear someone believes along the same lines as me. I, too, believe in Souls, but am not quite sure about God itself, or how this "creation" thing began... Just before I read your post, I was reading this great book called The Future of Love and feel it really relates to what you wrote about Souls. It also makes me think that there is a reason so many of us go through serial relationships in our lives. The myth of having one Soul Mate and one long-lasting relationship seems to be coming to a head in recent years. I look around and see so many divorced and single people and think "what is all of this about?" Surely, there seems to be so much to live beyond relationships, and yet it is often Love we crave most. Who doesn't aspire to have a romantic connection w/ someone? "At this point in our psychospiritual evolution, it is Love and not a particular form that we are looking for... although we have experienced great psychological changes and healing from old forms (i.e. marriage), we now need new ones. And now the new forms in themselves are communicating the magnitude of Love that our souls are really seeking." What this means for me, is that contrary to what I perhaps thought growing up (that life was about finding love and that "happily ever after" vow) that life is really about so much more than that. That I need to expand my thinking about being alone. I think that where the fear comes from is this contradiction of what I was taught growing up, and what is true in my Life now. There are so many things in life that we have no control over, namely who comes and goes in our Lives. The only thing we can do, it seems, is Love the people who are before us as much as we can. And try to live in the moment. Those are my deep thoughts for the evening!! I seem to be too busy contemplating life to be watching the superbowl. hehehe. Link to post Share on other sites
bleedinghrt Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 Look into fear of abandonment also known as borderline personality disorder. If you do a search on google you will get alot of useful information. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bowbunny Posted February 5, 2007 Author Share Posted February 5, 2007 wow everyone thank you for all those personal insights. I just started counsiling, but the counsilor did say that usually you get those feelings of not being alone because you don't get the attention from your father when you where young. But in my case that is not at all. I was very close to my father and mother and they where always around. So he said we have to look deeper and find an answer. I like the quote that I read that yes when we find love we live happlier ever after. I think we are put on this earth to find love and to be with someone for the period of our lifetime. With that said. I will give you a little more info on my situation. After my marriage i went threw about three different relationships serious ones. I now am still in a relationship. Last year my boyfriend moved in with me. We got along great. He has three boys and i have 1 girl and 1 boy. All the kids live with our x's. We do get them every other weekend and every Tuesday. It was about Septemeber of last year when I noticed my boyfriend pulling away. I ignored it. Now you know the saying when you get divorced you say you will never get married again, at least that is what I said. I never felt like I wanted to get remarried. In my heart I never felt it, until I was with my boyfriend now. I felt like we had a great relationship. So I popped the question. Well it came back and bit me. He said no first of all then after all within a half hour i was single . He got scared after he told me. So we concluded that he had to move out. Well we went back like three times and at this point he still hadn't moved out yet. He went away for christmass and I thought I would be able to get my head straight. But he called me everyday and text me most of the day. When he got back we did spend new years eve togther but I still didn't know if i truley wanted to be with him or if i just needed my space. So he moved out in the first week of janurary but I still spend time with him and yes am involved with him. It is better I do have my own space and he has his, but we still spend alot of time together. He now has told me that he truley loves me with all his heart. I love him yes but I think I am scared of getting hurt again. I still haven't gave all my heart to him. So with this all that I have said I do have deep feelings for him. It is just hard for me to let my guard down. what do you think?? Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 I think your guard will come down when you're ready for it too. Be kind to yourself, don't be hard on yourself. It sounds like therapy is going to be great for you, I can tell by reading your post... you are already working on yourself which is brave. Baby steps ! Link to post Share on other sites
RocketMan2 Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 It's an issue for therapy. You feel anxious/scared or depressed alone don't you? Is your self-esteem dependent on whether you have a man in your life? Or you feel bad about yourself when you're alone because you think it means you're inferior. You need the approval boost of having someone with you all the time - that's your "evidence" that you are worthwhile. It's a self-esteem thing that can be solved with CBT. Get thee to a therapist. It's okay to discuss the thoughts running around in your head with a professional. Talk about hitting the nail on the head. I don't think you could have described me any better! I really want to see a councellor but the waiting lists for the NHS are massive and its too expensive for me to go private I don't know what to do with myself any more Rocket Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 Talk about hitting the nail on the head. I don't think you could have described me any better! I really want to see a councellor but the waiting lists for the NHS are massive and its too expensive for me to go private I don't know what to do with myself any more Rocket Check around and see if any private therapists offer a sliding-scale. Or if there are any other programs besides HHS that offer help. You might be surprised. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerRae Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 Check around and see if any private therapists offer a sliding-scale. Or if there are any other programs besides HHS that offer help. You might be surprised. Definitely. Often there are also community programs that offer reduced rate (and sometimes free) counselling. So do the local colleges and schools. Sometimes you are supposed to be a student. But sometimes you don't have to be. (I have done oodles and oodles of therapy, and honestly everytime I go, they seem to help me with the issue I have at hand at the time--not to mention the fact that you feel so much better just getting it off your chest and confiding in another human being...) The therapy has been worth every single penny. Link to post Share on other sites
RocketMan2 Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 not to mention the fact that you feel so much better just getting it off your chest and confiding in another human being I think the idea of therapy appeals to me because yeah i know they will be able to help me with good coping advice, but mainly ill have someone to moan at without feeling guilty that im using their time or annoying them. I've got an appointment next monday by the way! Shame its a week away Rocket Link to post Share on other sites
Author bowbunny Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 Well everyone I have deeply thought about it and what i have come up with is that i like to be needed or be cared for and this is the reason why i don't like to be alone. I like to have someone there at all times to care for me. If I am not needed or cared for than i am not appreciated and therefore can not make decisions on my own. I believe that when you are appreciated that gives you power to make decisions. Also I think men help you develop your feminie side. which helps you sustain self - respect. I have been reading so a little bit of info i wanted to share. I go to my second session with my theropist tomorrow will let you all know what happens and what he thinks. Till later all have a great weekend. bye for now Link to post Share on other sites
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