Did you "settle" for your signifcant other?

[JackBlack]

[This is a repost of another thread that I started, but I wanted to change the title to trigger some more responses. The original thread is at: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t111356/ ]

 

For those of you who are currently in a long-term relationship, do you feel that your significant other is the person of your dreams? Or, do you feel you've settled for someone because it's simply too difficult to find one of those individuals out there who are perfect for you? There are many things I can deal with in life, but one thing I don't think I can deal with is knowing that I settled for someone and that there is someone else out there that is more perfect for me.

 

I've only met a handful of girls that I can honestly say took my breath away - the type of girl that I can be myself around and let my guard down, totally put myself out there, and who brings out the best in me; the type of girl who causes me to feel an intense feeling of admiration and adoration (and not lust). It's almost something I can feel in my gut. Yet for one reason or another, each one of them was unavailable (long-distance, not single, etc.). Yet each successive one has made me feel that it was okay that the previous one got away, because I admire this particular girl just as much as the previous one if not more.

 

Granted, I am very inexperienced in dating (and that becomes obvious if you've read my previous posts), but I just don't see myself dating simply to date. This is not to say I would be opposed to being courted by a girl who took interest in me, but when it comes to me courting a girl that has my attention, it's really difficult for me to give 100% and take a genuine interest if it's a girl who doesn't compare to those that really struck a chord with me.

 

Admittedly, I'm still relatively young, but it seems like it's only once every few years (or more) that I meet a girl that I feel is perfect for me. And this is what worries me. I just don't want to be pushing 40 or 50 (or still looking) by the time I find that girl out there.

 

So, just to restate the question, how do you feel about your significant other? If you could describe your perfect partner (whatever that means to you), does your current significant other fit that description? If not, would you be happy settling with this person?

[IpAncA]

There are many things I can deal with in life, but one thing I don't think I can deal with is knowing that I settled for someone and that there is someone else out there that is more perfect for me.

 

Then don't settle until you met the right one. I don't know about you but I wouldn't want to be with someone who makes me the "better than nothing." Would you want someone to do that to you?

 

Unless your talking about ending up with someone and then wondering if someone else out there is better. If so, don't think like that.

 

I've only met a handful of girls that I can honestly say took my breath away - the type of girl that I can be myself around and let my guard down, totally put myself out there, and who brings out the best in me; the type of girl who causes me to feel an intense feeling of admiration and adoration (and not lust). It's almost something I can feel in my gut. Yet for one reason or another, each one of them was unavailable (long-distance, not single, etc.). Yet each successive one has made me feel that it was okay that the previous one got away, because I admire this particular girl just as much as the previous one if not more.

 

There's other ones out there that you haven't met yet that WILL take your breath away that ARE single. Who knows you may meet her tomorrow or next year. I don't know but I think you should stop looking and enjoy life.

 

Admittedly, I'm still relatively young, but it seems like it's only once every few years (or more) that I meet a girl that I feel is perfect for me. And this is what worries me. I just don't want to be pushing 40 or 50 (or still looking) by the time I find that girl out there.

 

I don't think you'll be 50 and still looking unless you keep having this list of things the girl has to meet.

 

So, just to restate the question, how do you feel about your significant other? If you could describe your perfect partner (whatever that means to you), does your current significant other fit that description? If not, would you be happy settling with this person?

 

I didn't settle for "better than nothing." I love my SO very much and no he's not perfect. Everyone has faults and believe me we both do and so do you.

 

But I accept who he is and love everything about him. Sure we disagree here and there but I wouldn't settle for anything less.

[JackBlack]

I don't have a "list" of qualities a girl must have, but based on past experience, I have an idea of what types of girls I click with. It's very much an intuition type of thing and something that I simply feel if and when I meet my type.

 

And, I know no one is perfect myself included... what I meant by "perfect" is that she is perfect FOR ME (but admittedly, perhaps I not for her). And, I don't worry about this constantly, but it seems that every time I meet a girl like this a for whatever reason the girl is unavailable, I get frustrated and a little worried that it may be a long time before I meet another girl I feel the same way about.

 

I just wanted to get an idea for who out there feels they settled for someone that is less than optimally compatible for them, because I know it does happen. Sometimes I worry that my expectations of finding "utopian love", as another poster put it, may be unrealistic.

[VinaAmez]

Sounds like you need to get out and date more.

 

Have you tried branching out and find women in other areas.

[JackBlack]

I have not, but I have been and still am a student, so my opportunities have been limited. I suppose things might change once I enter the professional working world and meet a wider range of people in general.

[VinaAmez]

Have you tried joining groups, volunteering, etc... Great way to meet people.

[dilly]

I settled.

 

My W and I have been married for 8 years, having known her for 13 years. We dated for 3.5 years before i popped the question. Right before i got married I became friends with another girl and eventually fell for her. Now I never cheated on my STBW with the girl but I would have, if she had felt the same way about me as i did her. Right then, I knew i had cold feet and honestly I didn't want to get married. The problem was we had put down some hefty deposits for the wedding and all the invitations were mailed out, tuxes rented..I felt like I had an obligation to her to get married. So I did it. Did i marry the wrong girl? Yes. She is just not in my mind the ideal woman for me. I think my wife is beautiful as many people actually compliment her on her looks but she's brunette, short and petite. My ideal woman has always been tall and long legged. Yeah I know...IM SHALLOW! She is a great mother to our children, and overall a pretty good catch. The thing she isn't is she just isn't that sweet. She's kind of aloof and independent. I like a girl that is more sweet and dependent on me. I love to pamper a girl and she doesn't like to be pampered. As a matter of fact, she never wanted to hold hands as that was just "icky" and no public displays of affection, ever. I love showing intamacy. We are basically very opposite people. As the years came , despite our differences, I grew to love my wife, or so i thought. This was until the other girl came along.

 

I almost had a fling with a MW just recently, but she didn't feel the same way I did. This girl was everything I imagined my perfect girl would be. I felt more love for this MW than I think i ever did for my W. this girl actually cared for me in a way that my wife never did for me. She was the exact opposite of my wife which meant she was alot like me. Guys, this girl was spectacular. She was gorgeous, model like face and body, Sweet as a button, not only that, she loved to watch sports, and even bought her H a motorcycle. Whats not to love? She also totally was into me, or so I thought. After countless texts, voice calls and e-mails, I misread all the signals and found out she only thought of us as friends. Doh! The trouble is, my expectations of a woman was just raised higher. And now my relationship with my W just seems so mundane.

 

Circumstances being what they are, I 'm still with my wife. i know in my heart that I will always desire another woman as I don't feel i'm with my true soul mate. The next step would be to actually get a divorce but I'm really working on trying to find some real love with my W. i just need to be less shallow and more accepting of the fact that we are so different. I honestly don't know why i feel that way. i still look at my wife and i know other guys find her desirable so i should be flattered she chose me as her husband. I crappy thing is I just can't get that notion out of my head that i could get better.

[Woggle]

I don't believe in complete perfection so I am aware that my W is a flawed person just like everybody else but it makes her human. That being said I don't feel like I settled at all. I wasn't even looking for a woman when I met her and to me she makes every other woman look inferior in comparison.

[RecordProducer]

There is no such thing like "settle." Settle is a temporary thought that you had at one given moment. How you deal with that decision in the future will define how wise your decision was. If you are happy with the chosen person then you did the right thing for settling for "less" because "settling for less" made you happy. It's like ordering just a salad and soup in a restaurant, cuz you didn't have money for an entrée, but you ended up full and satisfied.

 

However, if settling for less brought you misery then how can your decision be the right one? You can find the "right" person and still make a bad decision. It all boils down to whether you're happy or not with someone, not to whether all the must-have traits were checked on your list of criteria.

 

But I know exactly what you're asking. Some "settling" must be involved in my opinion. You can't find perfection. But it shouldn't be in the love department - you must love the one you choose to marry or you will end up miserable. Also fundamental differences such as huge intellectual gaps, lack of understanding or loyalty, etc. can be disastrous.

[RecordProducer]

I settled.

i just need to be less shallow and more accepting of the fact that we are so different.

Dilly, I don't think it's shallow to NOT be in love with soemone, because you're not physically attracted to them. I think you made a big mistake by marrying the wrong woman and you're blaming yourself for that. You can learn to tolerate the differences and lack of strong feelings, but you can't learn to fall in love with somebody. I am not talking about the initial infatuation, I am talking about loving someone on a deep level and feeling close to them.

 

It's not shallow to like blond, tall girls. It's shallow if that's the only thing that matters to you. But it doesn't sound like it is in your case.

[Reckless]

Deciding to settle with someone with whom you know you are incompatible is apparently a major divorce predictor but I don't think people can tell immediately and there's nothing wrong with casting the net wide...

 

Mens (and women's) ideals often change as long as (and here's the rub) their needs (emotional, sexual, intellectual...) are being met, so the guy that loves long legged blonds will slowly find short brunettes more attractive if he gets all he needs from HIS short brunette. He'll always like the look of the long-legged blond much as you might love to look at porches but would never consider stealing one or trading in your Volvo for one... (okay most guys would trade in their volvo - bad analogy...).

 

The long and the short of it is that 'settling' is a bad idea, not because another person is actually 'better' than another but in that it influences your PERCEPTION of your relationship, therefore how satisfied (read: happy) you are with you partner.

[StayClose]

I settled.

 

I'm one of those guys who reached his early 30s without having a rleationship that lasted more than two months. All the women I'd met who I felt were really right for me were either with someone else, or did not feel I was right for them. I didn't understand wh so many women put up with so much crap from jerky guys, but wouldn't give me the time of day. The few women that were attracted to me tended to be overweight and intellectually uninteresting to me.

 

Some people suggested that my standards were "too high," and I began to think they were right. While I was sure that my fantasy woman existed some where in the worl6d (intelligent, religiously/politically comaptable, attractive, about my age, phsyically fit, strong sex drive, not married and most importanty, finds me romantically/sexually attractive), I decided that my 15 years of expereince dating meant that the odds of finding such a woman were about the same as winning the lottery.

 

About that time I met the woman who I married. She was intelligent, religiously/politically comaptable, tall, long legged, not married, no kids, had a strong sex drive, and was attracted to me. But she was very overwieght. I convinced myself that having a dazzling beauty on my arm to impress other people was not important, and I persued the relationship.

 

Now 10 years later I am questioning that decision. She is emotionally all over the place, she has health issues related to her weight, and her sex drive is currently next to nothing. I'm not sure which would be worse, staying with her and helping her work on her issues, or divorcing, losing the nice house we're living in, and dealing with all the crap from woman I delt with as a sinngle guy for 15 years.

[RecordProducer]

Now 10 years later I am questioning that decision. She is emotionally all over the place, she has health issues related to her weight, and her sex drive is currently next to nothing. I'm not sure which would be worse, staying with her and helping her work on her issues, or divorcing, losing the nice house we're living in, and dealing with all the crap from woman I delt with as a sinngle guy for 15 years.

If you don't have kids, get divorced without blinking.

[lindya]

I've only met a handful of girls that I can honestly say took my breath away - the type of girl that I can be myself around and let my guard down, totally put myself out there, and who brings out the best in me; the type of girl who causes me to feel an intense feeling of admiration and adoration (and not lust).

 

That's a lovely description of what you're looking for, but careful it doesn't involve over-idealising someone who might be right for you. One of the reasons love can hurt so much is that the more strongly we admire and adore a person, the harder it is to deal with finding out that certain aspects of them are less than admirable or adorable. It can feel like a betrayal.

 

I think one of the reasons "nice guys" threads proliferate here is that they're started by men who scared specific women off by adoring them in a way that may have seemed completely unrealistic to the woman...who will generally be painfully aware of her less admirable qualities,. Conversely, some women maybe consciously gravitate to men who who are half hearted about them, mistaking lack of strong emotion for level-headedness and clear-sightedness.

 

I think it's fantastic that you have that capacity to strongly admire and adore another person, but just temper it with the knowledge and acceptance that people all have their weaknesses, and some are just more adept than others at hiding theirs. For some people, "not settling" might, in practice, involve moving on to find something new as soon as a few cracks start to appear in their existing relationship. That's maybe less a case of not settling and more a case of not facing up to and dealing with the less attractive aspects of reality.

[dropdeadlegs]

I don't feel like I'm settling at all right now. I pretty much have exactly what I want in a partner.

 

I have settled in the past, but I don't think I really saw that at the time. I have a history of accepting men that were not right for me in many ways, yet I saw them as having potential. I now clearly see that I was taking on projects, and that changing someone is unlikely.

[IpAncA]

Why would you want to settle?

 

Seems like a person would be unhappy in the long run and always wondering the "what if's" or lead them to cheat or end up with a divorce.

[riobikini]

re:

 

JackBlack: "...I don't think I can deal with is knowing that I settled for someone and that there is someone else out there that is more perfect for me."

 

One hand, there's just enough fodder there, in that statement, to feed the uncertainty in a relationship -and starve it to death at the same time, on the other.

 

(Smile)

 

I believe there *is* a time that you must look at a relationship and assess it according to the growth you've experienced together as partners, and *apart* as individuals.

 

Not necessarily a negative time -just a time to stop and adjust to the new growth spurts in yourself, and your relationship - and do sort of a "troubleshoot".

 

I think it's especially necessary to be in "assessment mode" when forming a new relationship.

 

The foundational criteria must be met.

 

But there are a few "stop-over" points with longer-established relationships where, I think, individual partners lay greivances, annoyances, and requests out on the table -a periodical "pow-wow" to see if you still are meeting the needs of the other, and to introduce your own gathered agenda left simmering on the back burner, just waiting for this opportunity to bring it all out into open discussion.

 

I actually believe the whole idea is better practiced on a "whenever necessary" basis, rather than a scheduled date -but the point is, no matter when you do it, at least, you're talking.

 

If you leave the "pow-wow" feeling as if one or the other of you have "outgrown" the other, can't adjust to the other's changes, can't meet needs -or can't get *yours* met- that may cause you to start thinking it's time to move on, or that you chose the "wrong" guy or gal for a partner.

 

Not exactly true.

 

Not exactly false, either.

 

But it's time to be working on being *sure*.

 

And that takes more than a conversation or two.

 

It takes active participation, and involvement in the exposed stuff contributed by *both* partners that's lying on the "table".

 

You try to understand, resolve, work through, accept, and even tolerate what you can -and reciprocate efforts.

 

If it's clear you've developed inspiration for new goals, new paths, and one partner or the other can't -or won't adjust- then you may be heading for a separation or end to the relationship where each of you pursue your inspiration, apart from each other.

 

"Settling" is not recommended -but *mature* compromise is not "settling" -it's called growing up.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[RecordProducer]

I have settled in the past, but I don't think I really saw that at the time. I have a history of accepting men that were not right for me in many ways, yet I saw them as having potential. I now clearly see that I was taking on projects, and that changing someone is unlikely.

Same here! Major waste of time!!!

[StayClose]

If you don't have kids, get divorced without blinking.

 

My concern is that if I want another LTR, I'll just have to settle again, and and up in the same situation with someone else.

[IWalkAlone]

If you've never had a long-term releationship because the women you see as the right match for you are married, or don't see YOU as the right match, at what age should you realize that your expectations are not realistic and adjust/lower them?

 

Age 30? 35? 45?

[Guest]

At 30, I found myself with a man that I felt I was settling with. Everyone loved him and I knew he was a good peson and a good catch, but I didn't have that "soulmate" connection with him. So one day I said enough, I just couldn't see myself settling and I ended it with him. I am so glad I did because a few months later I met the man of my dreams. I mean of course he is not perfect, but he's perfect for me in so many ways.

 

And he feels the samething for me. When I met him he was 29, and he said he dated a bunch of girl but NEVER felt he was with the one he wanted to marry until he met me. I am now 32 and I am so glad I waited and did not settle. We are lving together and we are saving for our special day. It's amazing when you've waited this long, and when you finally met that person, it's true what they say, you just know.

Don't settle. That special person is out there and you will met them when the time is right, just be patient.

[dilly]

Mens (and women's) ideals often change as long as (and here's the rub) their needs (emotional, sexual, intellectual...) are being met, so the guy that loves long legged blonds will slowly find short brunettes more attractive if he gets all he needs from HIS short brunette. He'll always like the look of the long-legged blond much as you might love to look at porches but would never consider stealing one or trading in your Volvo for one... (okay most guys would trade in their volvo - bad analogy...).

I completely agree.... I see how my W's other shortcomings lessen her attractiveness in my eyes. Its like when you meet someone you think is beautiful but they have a terrible personality, their stock just went down because of that. Conversely, someone who is just average, goes way up when you factor in their personality. Its funny, because when I first met my wife, she wasn't fat, just a little chubby. Well, after 3 kids, she's skinnier now than she has ever been. She works out all the time is is in awesome shape. She is getting her teeth straightened as we speak and shes got an appointment in 2 weeks for some breast implants. I'll report later on whether or not it will help our marriage. I'll enjoy the fruits of the doctors labor but it will also give my wife a confidence boost. Hell, she may just leave me after all that new found attractiveness! LOL!

 

I'll just elaborate on the car analogy. I believe i married a Porsche. Really fast and reliable but just a tad understated. The OW I fell for was a a newer Ferrari, Damn fine looking with just a few idiosynchrasies. (Not an older Ferrari, the older ones weren't that reliable. they've really upped the reliability of the new ones)

[riobikini]

re:

 

Dilly: " I'll just elaborate on the car analogy. I believe i married a Porsche. Really fast and reliable but just a tad understated. The OW I fell for was a a newer Ferrari, Damn fine looking with just a few idiosynchrasies. (Not an older Ferrari, the older ones weren't that reliable. they've really upped the reliability of the new ones).."

 

Dilly -good reason for a man to never have more than a *one-car* garage (in regards to your analogy.)

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[dilly]

On the flip side, I'll go to Utah and have a huge garage! LOL. There may be sexual perks involved but if anyone has seen that show on HBO "Big Love" thats ALOT of maintenance!

[RecordProducer]

My concern is that if I want another LTR, I'll just have to settle again, and and up in the same situation with someone else.

The unknown evil is better than the known. It sounds like you don't love your wife. Don't be a coward, Dilly! So you don't have children with your wife? If you do then I don't recommend divorce. Then it has to be YOUR choice.