Pushed her away, too late to get her back

[HGP]

Here's my story about how I royally screwed things up with a girl. A while back she was dating this guy who abused her, cheated on her, and treated her like dirt - the whole nine yards. She finally had enough and left him. Around then she and I started hanging out. We'd known each other before then but we never got together. We got close and she spent a long time convincing me that we should be dating, which I was uneasy about because she admitted that she still had feelings for the ex. Classic example of an abused woman who can't let go. Just as things started to happen between us she went back to the ex. This lasted for a few days until I got into a huge argument with him over the phone, insults flying back and forth. That's when she ditched him again.

 

So I was severely pissed off and let her know about it. We had some brutally honest conversations about what happened and her life, etc. She was apologetic and has been nothing but honest with me since, but I didn't quite forgive her. I still let her call me though and we stayed friends. Almost immediately she was over the ex - she told me one time it was like an emotional switch turned off and she finally got her head straight. So I was conflicted - do I give her the benefit of the doubt and give her another chance or do I tell her she screwed up and cut off contact? Well I did neither. I kept in touch but kept her at a distance even when she gave me blatantly obvious signals that she wanted to be with me. She was as obvious as she could short of saying "I want you back" but I didn't respond. I wanted nothing more than to be with her, but I was still bitter so I pushed her away and briefly dated someone else.

 

Well sure enough, she accepted that she screwed up and she moved on - it was me dating this other girl that really convinced her I wasn't interested anymore. Later she started dating someone else, a guy she'd known for a month or two but it didn't happen right away. Well as soon as I found out that she was dating someone it jolted me into action. It dawned on me that I'd totally fallen for her so I tried to get her back...too late. It was close to three months between her accepting we'd just be friends and me telling her how I felt, so she'd put me behind her.

 

Cue more of those awkward conversations where we both laid it all out and talked about where things were between us. She said that after what she did she was grateful that she managed to keep me as a friend, and that she didn't have the audacity to actually ask for me back. I have no hard feelings towards her - like I said she's been nothing but honest with me the last few months. I ended up telling her we can't be friends anymore, and that whenever she was single again to feel free to call me.

 

This whole thing has led to a lot of soul searching and trying to figure out why I acted like I did - I love her but I drove her away. This isn't the first time I've done that either. I've pushed away a few girls when they've gotten close. I've never been in a serious relationship and it's like sharing my life with someone freaks me out and I look for excuses to keep that from happening. I don't tend to make new years resolutions but this year it's to never let that happen again! I don't like being depressed.

 

Thanks for the chance to vent. I'd really appreciate any thoughts you guys have. Most of my friends are happily in relationships or married so it's nice to know I'm not the only one who's going through stuff like this.

[Johnny B]

 

This whole thing has led to a lot of soul searching and trying to figure out why I acted like I did - I love her but I drove her away. This isn't the first time I've done that either. I've pushed away a few girls when they've gotten close. I've never been in a serious relationship and it's like sharing my life with someone freaks me out and I look for excuses to keep that from happening. I don't tend to make new years resolutions but this year it's to never let that happen again! I don't like being depressed.

 

Completely ridiculous how us guys can act sometimes right?? You and I are the type of guys who love our ego fed. It's true dude. We love the attention and girls pining after us.

 

I too have pushed girls away after they've gotten close. I think its a combination of a defense mechanism for self protection against getting hurt and a natural un-interest in the girl after a while.

 

However ppl continue to tell me that everything WILL be different when you meet 'that girl.'

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you and her didn't even date, right? I can understand you being annoyed by her actions and that she wouldnt drop her feelings for her ex, but sometimes its hard to let go, even if the situation was horrible.

 

Chin up man... you and I have more internal issues to deal with so that we don't continue to be like this going forward.

[HGP]

^Yes, we dated, but it was never to the point where I would have called her my girlfriend. I've known her for quite a while and we actually went out a few times before, but she was sorting her life out after a major split so I didn't pursue things, which was a good decision at the time. We kept in touch off and on, I dated a couple girls (totally not relationship material), and she dated this other guy. After that ended I was pretty skeptical about letting her into my life because she still had feelings for the guy, and she spent a lot of time making it clear that she wanted only me and that he was in her past. We got really close for a couple months before it even got romantic. So "annoyed" isn't exactly the word I'd use to describe how I felt about her actions.

 

I think the difference between you and me is that you were always happy casually dating and ending it with girls before it got serious. I've wanted something meaningful for a long time, just haven't found it.

[Johnny B]

HGP -

 

No, I also want what you want.

 

What I did by dating girls for a short time was a feeling that this person was just not right for me, so I would break up with them, why string them along.

 

However this time, I've realized that it was a huge mistake. I don't know why I couldn't realize this when we were together OR when she wanted me back for 2 months after. I believe this was part of my ego trip.

 

But then when she told me she is dating someone else, it was the finality that made it real.

 

I do want what you want, my friend, I would like to have it very much so.

[HGP]

Looks like we're in the same boat. Your situation is a lot like mine. Like you, she wanted me back for months and I ignored her. She even told me she loved me one time and I just gave her the cold shoulder. I didn't want to, but I was holding onto being bitter. I figured when she was ready to be in a relationship she'd let me know but I was totally blind to the signals she gave.

 

I can actually relate about the ego trip thing - as petty as it sounds I wanted her to pursue me, not the other way around. It was a shock when she started dating someone else - the finality of it hit me hard as I realized what I'd thrown away. Oh yeah in your case you work with her, with me I live in the same building.

[HGP]

Well I've decided to move out. The last few weeks this has been really hard to accept. While I don't run into her much just being in the building reminds me of her every day. Someone said on another thread that regretting a passed up opportunity can be a lot worse that flat out rejection, and it's the truth. We would have ended up together if I'd responded to her blatantly obvious signals, or if I'd swallowed my pride and told her how I felt. And I know she and her bf have had problems so I can't stop thinking that I'll still get a chance.

 

Moving isn't exactly a drastic decision, it's something I've been thinking about since the fall since I work in another city. This is the final push I needed to make the decision. I need to get away from her so I can stop thinking of her so much and move on. I have some pretty promising prospects right now but as long as she's in my head I'll never be able to love someone else.

 

I'm sticking with the no contact, but I'm going to see her at least once more - in December she insisted on giving me the earrings she got for her birthday until she could pay me the money she owes me - so I keep anticipating that conversation. Don't worry, I'm going to keep it light and brief, catch up a bit and end the conversation. I know it's going to hurt though. This sucks!!

[oppath]

We would have ended up together if I'd responded to her blatantly obvious signals, or if I'd swallowed my pride and told her how I felt

 

This is a major cognitive distortion. You can't predict the future or read minds and you have no idea if you would have ended up together or that it would have worked out. There were rational reasons you did not respond to her and you are filtering those reasons from your thoughts.

 

You are like me in that you blame yourself for things outside of your control. I know how difficult it is for you to accept you might not be with this woman, someone who you love (or feel you could love). But the blame is not on you. She had equal onus, and despite her putting out obvious signs and you claiming to not act on them, she bears responsibility too for you not being together.

[HGP]

^I see your point and you're right that it's her fault as much as mine, and that I had good reasons for not responding to her. In retrospect the best response would have been NC, telling her she better get her life together if she ever wanted to call me again.

 

One thing I know for sure though is that we woud have ended up together if I'd responded to her. We had some really direct conversations last month where she told me that. Considering how well we know each other and our history I know it was the truth. Would it have lasted? Who knows, maybe not. But I never had the chance to find out, and that's part of what's so frustrating. I've found relationships that haven't worked out easier to deal with than this.

 

I think I'll be able to move on a lot more easily once I move. I've looked at a couple nice places within walking distance to work so I'll save mileage on my car, get in better shape, and not deal with commuting anymore. I'm actually looking forward to it.

[HGP]

Update: Just as I was mentioning in another thread how I'd act if I ran into her, I did run into her in the parking lot of our building. We only talked for about 30 seconds - she asked me to call her the next day. I said I wouldn't be home until late and she said she didn't care how late, she wanted me to call her. I asked her if she wanted her earrings back anytime soon and she said she didn't have the money she owed me (she lost her job - long story she said), so it's obviously about something else.

 

Well she definitely has interesting timing - I was just getting home from my first date since we stopped talking a couple months ago. And I'd say it went pretty well - just went out for coffee, no pressure or anything. And I've made tentative plans to go skiing with another girl, which I think could be a really fun date.

 

I didn't end up calling her tonight. If I do I'll wait a couple days, I haven't really decided on my approach yet. Any suggestions? One thing for sure is that until I know what her intentions are, I'm going to keep acting like she's not in my life and see where things go with these other girls. I may have some tough choices ahead of me.

[mistizzle21]

Yeah,

 

I have some advice for you. Learn from your mistakes. Listen, certainly no one is expecting you too give up these other women and I'm not suggesting otherwise. What I'm saying is, call the damn girl. Don't play the game. The only way you ever really win it is to just not play it at all. So you call her soon instead of waiting around and kicking the soccer ball back and forth so to speak, so what? You still have your other dates planned. Do you not want to appear "too" eager to have her back? Chances are you DO want her back, but I mean hey as far as the chicks, give em a whirl or whatever it is you need to do to pat your precious male ego but you lost her once because you backed away when she stepped up. Learn from your mistakes, call the girl.

[Johnny B]

I've been following your thread and all I can say is that although it could be a good sign, don't put all your eggs in one basket.

 

Is she dating anyone else? I would call her but keep it very cool, polite and indifferent. You don't want to appear that you will run back to her in a hot second, but that you have been working on moving on since you guys have split.

 

At least you've had time to literally be apart from her, I've had to see my ex everyday since the split, so I don't think I'll ever get this 'apart' time as you, where she might want to reconcile a relationship, not just friends. Also in conversations with my ex since she began dating her new bf.. she has basically said it's the man of her dreams, thinking about marriage, the whole 9 yards and only after 3 months time, lovely.

 

So take it slow and don't make any rash decisions. If this is your second chance... be smart. I don't think I will get a second chance, but I hope things work outfor you.

[HGP]

Yeah,

 

I have some advice for you. Learn from your mistakes. Listen, certainly no one is expecting you too give up these other women and I'm not suggesting otherwise. What I'm saying is, call the damn girl. Don't play the game. The only way you ever really win it is to just not play it at all. So you call her soon instead of waiting around and kicking the soccer ball back and forth so to speak, so what? You still have your other dates planned. Do you not want to appear "too" eager to have her back? Chances are you DO want her back, but I mean hey as far as the chicks, give em a whirl or whatever it is you need to do to pat your precious male ego but you lost her once because you backed away when she stepped up. Learn from your mistakes, call the girl.

Dating other girls and not contacting her isn't about patting my precious male ego. It's about moving on. The sooner I put her in my past the sooner I get over her. I just mentioned the timing because I ran into her literally within a few minutes of my first date ending.

 

Ultimately if she wants to make it work between us then so do I. But it's been a couple months and I can look at it a bit more objectively than before, and there are issues that would have to be resolved. Plus, at this point I don't even know if she wants that, or if she's broken up with this other guy, or what's going on in her life. So I'm keeping my guard up for now. She knows how I feel, I made that very clear a couple months ago and I have no intention of bringing up awkward topics if that's not what she wants to talk about. I think I'll take Johnny's advice and call her, catch up, and just take it from there.