Need advise

[Guest]

Hi everyone,

 

Well I am new here and I never posted in any forum before, but let me get to my problem and hoping that I can get your opinion.

 

I have been married for two and half years now, and dated my husband two years before. Nine month ago, I had an abonormal pap smear, which was kind of wired since I never had an intimate relationship with anyone else except with my husband, and all my previous paps were normal. My doctor said that is normal, especially if the immune system weakens...but does not make sense.

 

I had so far three oncolopscopies so far. I had my last one yesterday and I am waiting for the test results. My husband never went with me to any appointment, because he usually starts a fight before about something stupid. On Thursday, he came to me and said that he cannot join me on Friday, because he has a busy calendar at work, and he was like are you sure you want me to come with you? hello! I should not ask him to come with me, I believe he has to come with, but did not say anything. Every time I go to the hospital, I felt bad because everyone is accompanied with a family member except me, and plus how did I get this to begin with???

I called him after my appointment saying that I am doing ok, but he could sense that I was upset. When I came home, he did not talk to me and ignored me the whole night yesterday and today.

 

Today by coincidence, I discovered that he was watching porn while I was shopping, and when I called him to confront him guess what did he say. He told me"who the f... are you to judge me, that s not your f..ing problem, and you should tell me nicely..and said that this is the end of our relationship and that he had it with me..."

 

Waw, I am devastated, I do not know what to do. I am the one who needs support and apology. I was always there for him, and what made me also suspicious is that he lost our wedding ring a four days ago and never asked me to replace it ( I was so busy between school and work).

Ps: We are trying to have kids.

Any opinions of what is going on??

[norajane]

Sounds like there are a lot of different things going on.

 

First, your doctor should have explained to you that a pap smear tests for abnormal cervical cells. HPV can cause cervical cancer, but most people have no idea they are carrying HPV and can do so for years and years before having an abnormal pap. The more sexual partners you've had in your life, the greater the risk of having gotten the HPV virus. Having sex before the age of 18 also increases your risk at a time when you are most vulnerable to HPV.

 

So, you could have had HPV in your body for a long, long time - like before you even met your husband, so don't jump to conclusions that he gave you HPV by cheating on you or something. Cervical cancer can also be caused by birth control pills, though I think the risk is fairly low.

 

I don't know why you've had three colposcopies. With a colposcopy, the doc looks at your cervix through the microscope, and if she sees something abnormal, they take a biopsy (cut out some cells to run tests in a lab). If they've done three, maybe they aren't really finding anything significantly worng, but just want to keep an eye on things. What were the results of the other two tests? Anyway, you should ask about this.

 

As to why your H won't go with you, maybe he doesn't understand that this could be a sign of cancer and that you really need his support. Have you explained what is going on in detail? Gusy don't know about this stuff, so he might think it's nothing major. Does he understand that children may not be an option anymore if you have cervical cancer? If you explain it to him and he won't go anyway, please, ask a friend or family member to go with you.

 

The porn...well, a lot of guys look at porn while their wives and gf's are shopping or whatever. He shouldn't have talked to you like that, though. Does he always talk to you like that? Is this a new thing? Did you yell at him about the porn so he felt defensive? What is it about the porn watching that bothered you? That he said this is the end of your relationship hints at a lot of bigger problems in your marriage than porn.

 

The wedding ring...no idea why he didn't ask you to replace it. Perhaps he was planning to?

 

The children? Are you both really wanting kids? This may not be the best time (obviously with the abnormal pap), but certainly not when you and your husband are so at odds with each other and not communicating well.

 

I have no idea what's going on between you - have you sat him down and told him how you've been feeling? Have you considered marriage counseling? It sounds like you two have a lot to talk about.

[RecordProducer]

I think you're being suspicious about the presence of a third paty, but you didn't give enough information and from the given info, nothing indicates that he has another woman. Moreover, the porn indicates that he doesn't or he wouldn't have watched it.

 

The irregular pap smear doesn't mean he cheated. If HPV caused the displasia on your cervix, it means he caught the virus sometime in the past, gave it to you and you got it when you first slept with him. The abnormal cells developed within 2.5 years, not immediately.

 

It's nice for a husband to accompany his wife at procedures and stressful hospital vistations, but abnormal pap smear is not in this category. I also had it and everyone felt that my husband should go with me, including myself. I finally went with his step-mother cuz I didn't have a car at the time and it really wasn't a big deal. Even if it develops into something worse, I could drive myself there alone. I don't see the point of men accompanying their wives at the gyn as if we are kids. Do you accompany him when he goes to the doctor? Men are just less sensitive both about us and themselves. They don't give much compassion, but they don't ask for it either, unless they are in pain.

 

What worries me more is that he is self-righteous and instead of working on the problme, he tells you that he's done with you and your marriage is over. I bet you that he is bluffing. Start packing and you'll see that he will stop you. If he doesn't (after he told you it's over), then he doesn't love you. Let him know clearly that if he wants you to pack your bags (or he could instead), you will do it.

 

Also the disrespect he shows is alarming. Can you get him to go to marriage counseling? Is this the first time he's said it's the end?

[Guest]

Thank you both for replying to my post, it was very helpful.

 

To answer your questions:

 

I never had any intimate relationship with anybody except my husband. So, I assume he passed to me, and I also take the pills.

Quote:I don't know why you've had three colposcopies. With a colposcopy, the doc looks at your cervix through the microscope, and if she sees something abnormal, they take a biopsy (cut out some cells to run tests in a lab). If they've done three, maybe they aren't really finding anything significantly worng, but just want to keep an eye on things. What were the results of the other two tests? Anyway, you should ask about this.

 

My husband is a Scientist (Phd), and let me tell you he knows much better than a normal person when it comes to viruses, so he is aware of the danger of cervical cancer, that s why I am surprised.

 

Quote:The wedding ring...no idea why he didn't ask you to replace it. Perhaps he was planning to?

 

After the way he talked to me, I concluded that he liked this way and he is happy to be again single

 

I admit I yelled at him and hang up the phone, but instead of admitting he was selfish and he basically told me "f.. off" it is my own private life I do whatever I want.

 

He admitted that he started watching that stuff a year and half when we came from a vacation. The thing that bothers me is that I do everything he asks ( I consider myself very effective in that area, and he always admitted that)

 

quote:What worries me more is that he is self-righteous and instead of working on the problme, he tells you that he's done with you and your marriage is over. I bet you that he is bluffing. Start packing and you'll see that he will stop you. If he doesn't (after he told you it's over), then he doesn't love you. Let him know clearly that if he wants you to pack your bags (or he could instead), you will do it.

 

That is what worries me, too. His self-esteem is above everything even me, and plus he never talked to me this way before, and yes this is the first time he said it is the end. so that s why I became very suspicious, I do not know anymore I am just lost

 

By the way he is still ignoring me