Open Relationships

[WildKittySub]

I'm new here, I don't know all of the acronyms and I'm not sure where to post what I'm really trying to figure out in my life, so I'll start with this.

 

I've been very happily married to my very best friend for over 15 years now. It was decided before we got married that this marraige would be open, I've never been one for monogomy and didn't lie when I got married. I am also bi, adding a little bit of complication.

This has actually worked very well for us. I've been "seeing" the same man for this entire time until the last two years. Its always been understood that my husband is my best friend and the other man is the love of my life (I was with the other man long before my husband). We've had weekends away up to 6 times a year and its really worked great. My husband has always been comfortable with this. In fact, the OM has had more issues with it, still never speaking my husband's name after all this time. But, he's respectful of my marraige.

Part of why its worked so well is that he lives half a country away though.

 

In the last two years, some things have happened in the OM's life that have made it so we haven't seen each other. I'm there for him as I can be, but I can't be where he needs right now.

 

This has lead to other issues here.

 

Anyway, anybody else out there that lives in a successful open relationship? I really do need to talk to somebody, but am not into being judged for being an honest, open person.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not really sure what you're asking?

 

I couldn't ever be in an open relationship, my heart would never allow that. But, if it works for you, that's fine.

 

If all you're asking about is if open marriages work - All I can say is as long as both people are OK with it, then it's fine...But as soon as one person changes their mind, it's no longer an open relationship/marriage.

[Topper]

Yours seems to be the exception to the rule. Most open polyamorous and or polygamist relationship don't last. Then again most marriages don't last. You would have to have a strong relationship to make it work in the long term.

I was not married in the 1970s but did get on the fringe of some some people who were in the lifestyle. I rented a room to a woman who was into swinging. She was bi and very open about her sexuality. I was invited out to the "Ranch" a swingers club in rural east San Diego county a couple of times. It is vary rare the a single man is invited for a weekend. The only reason I ever did was I am sure was so Kathy did not have to go alone. Most of the people were professional couples couples. despite what people think it isn't all sex all the time. A lot of the weekend was like a back yard BBQ and Pool Party. Most know each other well. some of the women would have nothing to do with other woman and others were very into it. Same with some of the men. I do recall one woman who did not like sex with other woman but would take on man after man in ever way possible while her husband watched. I can't say I ever saw him with a man or woman. I can be kind of shy so I never got into the "openroom orgy" thing. Some did some didn't. Many would just go off to a private room in groups of two, three or four. It would be interesting to interview people who were into that and now were not. What would they have to say? Think about it a lot of those people are in their 60s and 70s today. grandmothers and grand fathers. Might have to take an ad out in an AARP publication ans see what the response would be.

 

You say you are bi have you also had a same sex relationship or sexual encounter while married? Does your husband also have an outside relationship?

[WildKittySub]

Hi,

No I wasn't asking if they work, I know mine does. As was said though, most marraiges in general do not work. My personal belief is that is because people are not made to be monogomous, but that's my feeling.

I do come from a family of open marraiges that have all worked.

I'm not old enough to have remembered 1970, but its kind of the same concept I guess.

The thing is, my outside relationships are not about sex, there are many aspects to relationships that have nothing to do with sex.

Yes, I have had same sex relationships outside of my marraige that my husband is fully aware of. And no, he has chosen not to so far, but that's his choice, not something I impose.

 

I guess my main reason for posting is to see how open this forum is to this idea. I am having an issue, that has nothing to do with hurting my marraige that I'd like to discuss, but I don't want to do that and then be attacked.

 

Most people believe that open marraiges just simply don't work. I know it can, IF everybody is honest from the beginning as we were.

[whichwayisup]

I am having an issue, that has nothing to do with hurting my marraige that I'd like to discuss, but I don't want to do that and then be attacked.

 

I hope you post about your issues, but if someone does give you harsh advice, maybe that's a good thing - As long as its' respectful. If someone bashes you or is rude, just use the alert us button to a particular reply (if it's really offensive.) The thing is, by posting on a public forum, you're going to get all sorts of replies, some helpful and some may not be helpful at all.

[WildKittySub]

Point taken. Living as we do however, I find that most often people are more likely to be judgemental, just because it isn't what the rest of the world tells them we should be.

My opinion is that, as long as all parties involved are aware of and understand the situation, and nobody is lying, then nobody is being hurt and it is only really the business of those involved. Not for others to judge.

 

I am having an issue with another man. Since its always been the one person, who is now, at least for now, unavailable, I've kind of started seeing somebody else, and I'm not sure what to think.

For this reason, I'm not sure where to post. Since he is the other man, maybe it would be better to post in that section, to see what those who are the other person think? I'm just not sure.

[Flyin in Clouds]

Point taken. Living as we do however, I find that most often people are more likely to be judgemental, just because it isn't what the rest of the world tells them we should be.

Screw the rest of the world. If it works for you fine. I would like to hear how you manage it, how your husband keeps jealousy under control. He doesn't have any outside relationships so what does he do while you are gone?

 

My opinion is that, as long as all parties involved are aware of and understand the situation, and nobody is lying, then nobody is being hurt

Well that's the catch isn't it. Are people in general ever totally honest? Do we not tell little white lies to proctect ourselves or someone else? If you husband cared about you, really loved you, knew you need this other man (OM), would he tell you it bothered him for you to see the OM? No he wouldn't. Out of love for you he'd keep any hurt feelings buried deep inside. I'm not saying he has any of those. But I hope you see what I mean.

 

I am having an issue with another man. Since its always been the one person, who is now, at least for now, unavailable, I've kind of started seeing somebody else, and I'm not sure what to think.

For this reason, I'm not sure where to post. Since he is the other man, maybe it would be better to post in that section, to see what those who are the other person think? I'm just not sure.

What's the issue?

 

Look even if someone is rude or mean, we are all annonymous here so just ignore the jerks.

 

You are not sure what to think about what since you've started seeing OM number 2. You don't know what to think about OM number 1, or your husband or yourself or what?

[whichwayisup]

If you are happy with your lifestyle, then what others (here and out in the real world) think and say about your open marriage shouldn't make a difference to you at all.

[WildKittySub]

I guess I'm not explaining well. What others think of how my marriage works doesn't matter to me. But, I'm having an issue with a new guy, that I'd like to talk about. If people here are very against the married side of the open relationship, then it won't be of much help to post here about it.

Does that make sense?

[dropdeadlegs]

Since you are anonymous what's the worst that could happen? You may not get the advice you need, but you can always just ignore anything not useful to you and take what you can use. Some posters will probably try to impose their views, just don't listen to them.

 

I think this forum is fine as you are married and this one is for marriage. The OW/OM forum might be appropriate too. There have been other posts concerning open marriages and swinging, but they aren't very prevalent.

 

Go for it, what have you got to lose?

[whichwayisup]

I guess I'm not explaining well. What others think of how my marriage works doesn't matter to me. But, I'm having an issue with a new guy, that I'd like to talk about. If people here are very against the married side of the open relationship, then it won't be of much help to post here about it.

Does that make sense?

 

I think many people here can give good and helpful advce, with an open mind, so I hope you post about what the problem is with the new guy. Again, if there is advice you don't like or you find offensive, just ignore it and respond to the helpful replies.

[Flyin in Clouds]

.... But, I'm having an issue with a new guy, that I'd like to talk about. ...

Well if you don't tell us what the issue is then we can't very well talk about it...