mbjmathews Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 I Have been married 11 years. We have 2 boys 8 and 2. And we are guardians to my niece who is 12. I am sleeping in the bonus room because my wife will not make love to me. It absolutley disgusts her. She is great in most every other way. But she seems to not want to try and get any help. Even If I decide to leave her. I know in the past I may have contributed to her aversion. Like wanting sex when I knew she did not want it. Getting mad at her when she rejected me. Constantly feeling her up. But my sexual needs were never met and that caused me to try harder. and though I did not know I was making myself repulsive to her. But over the years I have bettered myself. I quit drinking and smoking and lost all the weight I needed to. And tried to show her that it isnt just sex I'm after. It is the love and respect and knowing that she would do anything for me. Just as I would do for her She knows that I'm willing to help however I can and that I love her dearly. I do not want leave my family. But I need to be able to show my love and to receive love from my wife. All attempts at love giving are met with rejection. She says this bothers her but seeing her daily I cannot tell. We are in counseling and she is reluctant in considering what the counsler has to say. She understands completly how I feel but has told me not to pressure her. She has told me in her exact words "What I really want for us is to co-exist for as long as it takes for me to be comfortable with you again. I want to be nice to each other and have fun together alone and with our kids. I need the pressure to be taken off. I dont know how long it will take, it could be months or years. Do I think this is fair of me to ask of you? NO but I dont see any other way." I'm am willing to stay with here as long as I know she is making progress. It seems to me that she is more willing to let me go than to work this out. That hurts me so much that it effects my judgment in how I handle this problem. Any help would be greatly appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 If she won't go to counseling. If she won't come clean as to what the problem is. If she isn't making a concerted effort to change, as you have. I hate to say this because I am 100% in doing whatever you can to save a marriage, but it works both ways. If she is unwilling to do much to salvage the marriage you have two options. #1: Let it go. It may work to relieve any stress and bring her around #2: Trial separation. When people pull away from you the best thing you can do is pull back as well. The harder you try to fix something that is broken quite often you just make it worse. You cage someone in a relationship that is pulling away. The natural reaction to being faced with being in a cage is to run. You can pull back in one of the two ways above. Either stop working so hard to repair things and see how she reacts or you can move out and give her space. One is the gentle approach. The other is the more severe approach. The question is which one do you think is necessary at this point? Perhaps try #1 first and if that doesn't work try #2. She's telling you to relax and just be the guy she married. I know what I would do. I would just let it go and not focus on it for now. If that doesn't change things I'd go rent a small apartment and take time away from her. Sounds kind of harsh but you do deserve to be treated like a husband and if she is not meeting your needs as you are meeting hers then it's not a real relationship anymore. Has she gone to a doctor at all to see if she is suffering something physically? Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 There's a big thread on this subject in the Marriage forum. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t101000/ The life's blood of your marriage is leaking out, day by day. "Months" or "years" from now is not soon enough to address this problem. The marriage will be dead as a doornail long before then. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mbjmathews Posted February 4, 2007 Author Share Posted February 4, 2007 Has she gone to a doctor at all to see if she is suffering something physically? She has seen the doctor and all is good physically. We will get a referral from our m/c for a sex therapist. She is already worried about how much it will cost. I think she is making excuses for not wanting to go already. She wont talk to me about either. She says there is nothing I can do. I'm afraid that if I pull back she will just get comfortable in our situation and never do anything about. She knows I will never leave my kids . And that I will continue to do whatever it takes to make sure that our kids have a two parent home. Sex or no sex. She is a great mom. I feel that her aversion is only for me. If I leave she will just find another man. Maybe not soon but she will need someone. And I dont want someone else raising my kids. And my kids need there mommy not some new mommy. It is hard for me to live in this house in seperate bedrooms and still pretend that everything is allright. But I am trying to make the best of it. Every day this goes on I feel myself withdrawing from her more and more. And to make things worse I have stage 3C Melanoma and am currently taking chemo. I am not sure of my prognosis but I do know I dont want to wait months or years for this to be fixed. Maybe that explains my chasing her. I know I am a good man and would never do anything to jepordise this marriage. But since I am not willing to leave my kids I guess theres not much I can do. I will be as supportive as I can. And try not to make a scene. I appreciate your comments and thank you for responding. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 I'm not sure I agree that seperation is the way to go on this. You say you are both in councelling and on the positive side, this at least, shows you are both acknowledging the problem and seeking help to deal with it. She knows that I'm willing to help however I can and that I love her dearly.... She has told me in her exact words "What I really want for us is to co-exist for as long as it takes for me to be comfortable with you again. I want to be nice to each other and have fun together alone and with our kids. I need the pressure to be taken off. I dont know how long it will take, it could be months or years. Do I think this is fair of me to ask of you? NO but I dont see any other way." It is not clear from your post if these words are the councellor's or your wife's. If it is the councellor I would want to know if these words echo your wife's feelings, if so, at least your wife sees that there must be a path towards inimacy and recognises it is something to work towards. She's not just asking you to live without sex. If your wife has suffered some kind of sexual abuse at your or someone elses hand it may take some time for her to work through the anger and resentment that have built up in her but I think you have little choice but to take her at her word and start doing what she says will help the situtation. If you love your wife and your family it shouldn't be hard to spend time trying to become 'best friends' again (or for the first time), learning to laugh and trust each other. Pursuing common interest, going on 'dates' sharing the inner person .... If she doesn't want to have sex with you - to put it bluntly its either because she is emotionally, mentally or sexually damaged or just plain doesn't like you. If theres no hope of her ever liking you enough to sleep with you your marriage is doomed but if (which I think may be the case) she actually does like you but is being blocked by your past behaviour then you have to build up a record of kindness and companionship that helps her get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 And to make things worse I have stage 3C Melanoma and am currently taking chemo. I am not sure of my prognosis but I do know I dont want to wait months or years for this to be fixed. Maybe that explains my chasing her. I quoted that part because I wonder if that now plays into her thinking. How long have you had cancer and what has been her reaction? Back to the sexless marriage...I have been there. If you read my first thread, you will get a good idea of what I went through. We still have a low sex marriage, but much of our affection came back. My wife had a thyroid condition that was not properly medicated. Thanks to help from here and another Board, we found the new medicine. And her doctor said her thyroid was normal, but for her "normal" was not normal. How long have the two of you been in seperate rooms? When you mention that you pushed her into sex, how far did you go? What was her reaction? you mentioned losing weight and quit smoking...were these big issues with her? Now, this may hurt to think about...is there any possibility that she is cheating? Does her schedule allow her time away without you knowing where she is? Do you trust her 100% that she is not cheating? Has there ever been something that made you stop and wonder? This lack of sex may not be coming from what you think it is...mine wasn't. Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 I'll give my 2 cents on this matter. You're caught up in a vicious cycle that's very hard to break. I was with a bf for 4 years, lived with him for about 3 of those years. He and I had different sex drives. He was my 1st, I was his like, 10th or something. He wanted it far more often than I did. As it turns out, I think i just "didn't want it" because I had grown out of the relationship. He was vocal about his displeasure (and rightfully so, now that I look back) and well, what could we do. We had different needs at the time. So basically, I became angry because I felt he wanted me to do things I didn't want to, and he was becoming angry because he felt I no longer loved him. I don't know how to tell you to fix the situation, I wish I did. From my experience, when there are issues in the relationship, it affects the sex. He and I were becoming more like brother/sister than bf/gf, and it just grew in the wrong direction and contributed to it all. I'd agree with the other posters, go to councelling or whatever you can, however others were also right in that BOTH of you have to be willing participants. If she's just agreeing to shut you up, then it won't work. I truly hope you can work it out. It will definitely be a hard road, whichever path is chosen. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 I'm afraid that if I pull back she will just get comfortable in our situation and never do anything about. Well it's not getting any better. Time for tough love. Drastic times call for drastic measures. If I leave she will just find another man Maybe. Or maybe it will make her understand what she is about to lose? Only one way to know. And to make things worse I have stage 3C Melanoma and am currently taking chemo. I am not sure of my prognosis but I do know I dont want to wait months or years for this to be fixed. Maybe that explains my chasing her. Ouch, sorry to hear that. I hope you get well soon. The best thing I can say is you have tried everything else. Maybe it's time to man up? I say that in the most uninsulting way I can. You need to get tough with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mbjmathews Posted February 6, 2007 Author Share Posted February 6, 2007 My having cancer did not make things any easier but I dont believe it contributed. Our sex has been lacking for years. It was when I found out I had cancer that I decided that I was not going to put up with it anymore. We have been in separate bedrooms since christmas. And I moved out because she got mad at me for buying her a present after we agreed not to. It was a very modest gift from the kids and I. I said I was sorry and smoothed things out and we had a wonderful christmas together. But bedtime came and I thought I would try to make love with my wife but she rejected me again. Quote From JamesM When you mention that you pushed her into sex, how far did you go? What was her reaction? you mentioned losing weight and quit smoking...were these big issues with her? Years ago when I drank I was much more aggresive when it came to sex. Never forcibly but insistent . Losing weight was not an issue for her and smoking was a minor issue nothing serious. But drinking was a huge issue, we fought about it many times. and eventually I give it up. I dont think she has ever recoverd from that fully. But it has been 8 years since I quit drinking. I dont believe my wife is cheating. She can be affectionate at times but only when there can be no possible way for it to lead into sex. i.e when the kids or family are around or in public. I.m a hard worker, good provider, great father, I have acknowledged all my shortcomings, done my best to change to become a better husband and father, I have given everything she has asked for, and more. I've dished out all the credit and now shes not paying the bill. Maybe it's time to man up? I apreciate all the comments Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 Maybe it's time to man up? That is essentially what I was trying to say to you when I used the term "Tough Love." Until you do something drastic (moving into the spare room is not drastic) what motivation does she have to change? Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 Hi, Our sex has been lacking for years. Only a miracle is going to change that. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 "What I really want for us is to co-exist for as long as it takes for me to be comfortable with you again. I want to be nice to each other and have fun together alone and with our kids. I need the pressure to be taken off. I dont know how long it will take, it could be months or years. Do I think this is fair of me to ask of you? NO but I dont see any other way." She has lost her attraction to you, that's what these words mean. It's time to get on the ball here, and you need to man up now if you want to salvage the realtionship. You have tried everything a nice decent guy would try, and it's not working. It's time to stand up to her, and play hardball with some tough love. Stop all the small talk, and give her a dose of medicine that will make her wake up. There are many ways to do this, but one of my favorites is to completely become entangled in what you want to do. Go out with your buddies, and act like you just plain don't give a **it anymore. This method usually works, but there is no guarantee depending on how she really feels about you. Just don't smother her with plea bargaining and apologies, she is the one with the problem so treat her like the problem. Some other LS's can probably give you some other really good ideas as well. LadyJane is great at giving advice in these situations. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Go out with your buddies, and act like you just plain don't give a **it anymore. This method usually works (I've had guys try everything up to capture my attention back and nothing ever worked) Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
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