I cheated and he kicked me out. .

[dinnerwithdelores]

I will try to make this story i met my ex in 2001 and we were together for a yr. We broke up and over the three years I still went to his house for the holidays to spend it with him and his family. He has always been in the picture especially when I needed help financially buying me a computer clothes etc. Anyway, we got back in Sept. 05 and he wanted me to move in and so I did.

 

He lived with his brother and his mother owns the building. So there was always little privacy because she was always in and out of the apt. She lived in the apt in front of ours. Anyway, he told my father that he wanted to marry me we went to go look at halls made lists. Still no ring. Come Feb. he took me away to the Pochonos, Cruise in March, still no ring and yet he is buying me everything. Well, I got annoyed and I said if he wasnt ready to give me the ring then we should atleast move out.

 

He didn't want to move out he said we couldnt afford to we need to save up money. Meanwhile he is a Sgt. and pulls in over 80 a yr. Anyway, I cheated on him he found out and told me to move out in June. I didnt have anywhere to go so I moved out the last week of Sept. I have been devasted ever since. He said that I was his first love and I ruined everything. I still saw him on my birthdaym thanksgiving, christmas, slept over. Anyway, he still looks hurt like he wants to cry when he sees me. My pic. is still on his dresser.

 

So now he keeps telling me to move on and it is so hard. He showed up at my job the other day out of the blue to say hi but when I call him he is different. I tell him Im miserable and he say that I miss him but he tell me he misses me too. But thats all. The last piece to this puzzle is that I was called for 2 diff. jobs and both of them will take me away from him one I will be sent overseas and the other one to DC.

 

He tells me to go for it but I dont want to leave and put my life in danger if it is not worth being with him. He tells me to move on but my mail still goes to his house, he still accepts my calls, and if I ever need him to take me somewhere he will take me. Any advise on how to get him back. I'm tired of this depression. This has been going on for months now. However, even though I officially moved out in Sept. I still have seen him every month atleast 2 or 3 times. Im afraid if I give him space that he will forget me and find someone else.

[Cecelius]

You should move on and spare this poor man what little dignity he still has.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

So...this guy...

 

1) Helps you financially even when you are not together

2) Asked you to marry him and moves you into his home

3) Takes you on great vacations

4) Is financially responsible by saving money for your future

5) Is in love with you

 

and you...

 

1) Are financially dependent upon him

2) You try to force him to move out

3) You cheat on him

4) You still contact him to tell him about your misery

5) You allow your post to be mailed to him as a constant reminder of you

6) You refuse to give him space

 

Is there anything wrong with this picture?

 

This guy has been extremely hurt by you. You have betrayed him, yet you seem oblivious to the fact that he has been extremely hurt by your actions.

 

I mean to be harsh because if you truly want your ex-guy back you need to be harsh on yourself.

 

It's not enough just to say sorry and expect everything to be okay again. You need to work to get trust back in the relationship. At the moment, this guy sounds like he wants to move on with his life.

 

If you TRULY loved him you would be happy for him to try and find happiness elsewhere, and if he wants to, he will return to you if you're the only one who can provide that happiness to him.

 

If you really want him back contact him one last time. Tell him how sorry you are. Work out WHY you cheated and tell him the truth. Move on with your life and tell him that you are giving him the space he deserves and you are going to take the opportunity to get to know yourself better. Why is it important to move in/get married so quickly? Why did you cheat? Why do you want him back? Etc, etc.

 

Good luck

[dinnerwithdelores]

Well, to answer your question. He told me to move in with him and I didnt ask. He brought up marriage I never did. He never gave the ring. Im not going to sit hear and bash him because there were things that he did to me that I'd rather not really get into. But a quick example is telling me that he is sterile 5 yrs. ago and getting me pregnant and telling me that we werent ready. So as far as Im concerned if I new that he wasnt sterile I would have played in safe. So I kind of still hold it against him but it is the past.

 

But I would like to respond to something that you said. What woman would want to live with a man and his brother when there is no privacy. His mother has a key to the apartment and we couldnt even be intimate without a knock on the door. The apt. is very small. I was aware of all of this when I moved in because I thought we had a plan and if he changed his mind to get married I was ok with that but for the sake of our privacy we needed to move out. He chose not to he is 35 and Im 35 as a man he should want his own apt with his girl.

 

I again do not condone what I did but there were things that lead up to it. Yes my best move was to walk away but I didnt do that. I have beating myself over this and Im not harassing him. He still spends time with me here and there but instead of trying to work on it he rubs it in my face. I've been harsh on myself Im losing my hair I cry almost on a weekly basis for the past 8 months. If I felt that there wasnt a chance then I would not bother but when he shows up at my job just a week ago to say hi what am I to think?

 

I would also like to say that Im not dependent on him but I threw out all of my furniture to move in with him so when he kicked me out I had to start out from $0. I didnt ask him for a penny he chose to help.

 

Finally, like I mentioned early I was called for 2 jobs and Im still in the process of a few things changing my mail now could only delay my process so he actually has no problem with my mail going there. Not to mention the fact that he know my landlord in nosey.

 

To answer your last question I want him back because I love this man and I realize the error within my ways and if I had him back I would never NEVER do this again.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Ok...then lets look at it another way...

 

You're 35. You lived with a man who "told" you to move in with him. Who asked you to marry him and then didn't even show you a ring. Who told you he was sterile, got you pregnant agfter lying to you. Who "rubs [your cheating] it in your face" so much that you're losing your hair through stress. And has told you to move away and go for another job.

 

You want this man back.

 

Not only do you feel guilty about cheating, you also felt insecure about your future together before you cheated.

 

IMO, I don't see where the LOVE is in this relationship - the thing that you are fighting for. It's one thing for you both to say "But I love him/her". It's another to show the actions of love and I cant see any here.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed. Maybe if you DID do something for yourself and move on with your life away from this relationship then your stress levels would improve and the weekly tears would go away.

[Salicious Crumb]

Im afraid if I give him space that he will forget me and find someone else.

 

Too bad. You need to give him his space. He told you that you ruined everything. You need to leave him alone.

 

Obviously you don't love him to cheat on him, so leave him alone. He deserves the chance to be able to move on and find someone decent.

 

If you keep in contact with him, he will never have that chance. Then lets say you get married...he will always be reminded of you spreading your legs for another man. And he WILL have those exact visions and he will forever be torn up inside even though he may seem ok.

 

So you need to leave him alone. If you lose him.....too bad...that was your choice when you cheated on him.

[Star Gazer]

You should move on and spare this poor man what little dignity he still has.

 

Agreed. Leave the guy alone.

[dinnerwithdelores]

I think what pisses me off the most is when people say if you loved him you would have never cheated on him. No one is perfect everyone makes mistakes at all different levels. Because I still love him Im not going to sit here and bash him for things that he has done in the past before I cheated on him. I did ask him at one point before I cheated lets go to counseling and he said to me if we need to go to counseling we should break up now. Most cops I know feel counseling is a waste of time. Anyway,I should have just gone for the door when he said that but I screwed up.

 

Everyone says to leave the poor guy alone. Well it is hard when he just shows up at my job to say hi no more than a week ago. Of the fact that we slept together a little over a week ago.He still tells me he misses me and he loves me. Yet he tells me to move on.So it is hard to not fight for it and just walk away. I just want a chance but I guess its what he wants. My friend tells me that he is giving me mixed messages and that he is probably going to go after me when and if I leave. He was telling me to go for this job before we broke up because he is retiring soon and he said that we could move together. Or maybe I should try to give him space and maybe he will come back.

 

So Im just gonna leave him alone like everyone says. Atleast I will try and if they call me and send me overseas like they are pushing for and if something happens to me then I guess maybe him and I were not meant to be. Because I know one thing about him he is not going to stand in the way of my career. I will leave it in Gods hands because like I said before Im tired of crying and being depressed all of the time. Im tired of people judging me for what I did.

[CardPlay3r]

They are only judging you because you make it sound like your cheating wasn't that big of a deal. You have to accept responsibility for your own actions...

[dinnerwithdelores]

I know that my cheating was a big deal and I have not tried to condone it any way. I have accepted responsibility for my actions. I have hurt my best friend and let him down. So I know that this has been hard on him and just like it has been hard on me. I made things worse by trying to commit suicide and he also throws that in my face to.

 

Bad mistake on my part but how do you show a person that you are trully sorry and that you would never do it again. Im going to try to not call him for a while but it is hard and I will continue you to pray and maybe that would give me the peace that I need. Who knows but like I said before Im just tired of the stress and always thinking about him and if he is ok.