What now??????

[shockandawed]

Most everyone knows my story by now so I won't elaborate, but basically I have been broken up with my fiance since right before Christmas. It was sudden and she later admited to seeing someone else.

 

The first few weeks were very emotional. What little contact I had with her was short, full of slams and insults and basically about tying up loose ends. After I got the diamond back in the middle of Jan, I went into NC. About two weeks laters, she emails me about a mutual friend of our daughters. I replied strictly about that issues and thanked her. She sent another email asking about if I was seeing anyone etc...We ended up having a couple of nice remember when IM's which led to me saying I love you and she logging off.

 

Well, this week the same thing began again, nice IMs. More and more regrets and such. Against the advice of some of the seasoned posters here, I maintained a daily yet uplifting brief conversation with her. Friday it got a little emotional and she logged off again.

 

Saturday, she calls me in the morning to see if we can meet to get an item I had got through my company for a relative. We meet in a parking lot and I get in her car for a bit. She is asking if I am seeing anyone etc.. I tried to stay very positive and told her I had been out twice with a very nice lady, etc.... She was happy but large tears began showing. Knowing this was bothering her, I kept the conversation about us being friends, helping her out, etc..She kept going back and admitted that who she was seeing wasnt much. She cried the entire time I was there. I had asked her about pictures from the cruise, since she took them all. She brought a CD which I thought was just that. I gave her a bottle of homemade wine that we had worked on together and she left.

 

I got home and put the CD in. Instead of just cruise pictures, It was our entire 3 years on there. Unbelievable. I called her and asked why and she said she wanted to make sure I had those. She said she cried and cried as she watched them.

 

Well, last night I go on with my third date with the new girl. About 9PM, I get a text msg telling me the wine was awesome. I simply sent a response thanking her. She txt again, asking if I am on a date? I tell her yes, this goes back and forth for a bit. I end the date about 11:30. I then call the ex and ask about all of this. She admits she made a mistake and wants to rectify. We talk for about an hour. She says she has been trying to get in touch with the other person to let him know officially over. We admit it will be very difficult but possibly worth the effort. We both say I love you several times. WOW!!!!!!

 

This morning I talk to her for a bit on the phone. She is ill. She sends an email about a hour later apologizing but doesnt think she can go backwards, so afraid nothing will change. Loves me very much but can't keep doing this. I call her, she answers, we talk for awhile. I ask her if she doesnt think she can make the efforts. Unsure, just afraid of ending back up here. She did say she ended things with the other person. I told her to simply think about what she would like to do as a first step. She agreed. Again, I love yous. She admits that she screwed up but is afraid that I won't be able to forgive.

 

Going back to NC will not help her at this point as she will just blame herself and go back into hiding herself. I knew if I kept the contact light and fun, this might end up happening. Should I show her how serious I am about making changes. Again, nothing major, just communication issues, etc..all fixable. Or should I wait to see if she will make another move?

 

I want her back more than ever now.

[RocketMan2]

Hey Shocked,

 

Sorry I missed this yesterday (or today, freakin timezones!)

 

To me it sounds like your plan of "keeping contact friendly and light to lure her back" has worked, but you failed to plan any further ahead! Doh!

 

First advice would be, don't get rid of your new date yet! You're not stringing her along yet, its only been a few dates so dont worry about that. Try and act EXACTLY the same with her, or she'll notice the change.

 

I think you are right, this time now is the decider. Both parties actions in the next few days are probably going to determine the outcome.

 

I may be wrong here but it doesn't sound like youve actually had a proper chat. I mean a proper, actually get everyting out in the open, chat.

 

This is what I'd do, in my inexperienced, naive opinion....

 

Tell her enough is enough, that you want to work things out one way or another (but obviously let het have time to decide)

 

Why not sit down with her somewhere private (not the car for gods sake! - thats where i was dumped btw, nice!), set a whole night aside for this chat. Something that i found helpful once was to sit down with my gf and write a list of things you love and things you hate about the relationship. Then you have kind of a plan for the chat, points to cover etc. Go down the list and discuss in depth each issue, take it in turns.

 

Come up with solutions to all the problems. Write them down too!

 

Now I have no idea how to deal with the self-loathing/pitying, but some how you need to make her understand that you will be 100% committed to the cause, and that you need her to be too.

 

 

I hope that was helpful in some way, even as an example of what not to do lol

 

 

Rocket

[shockandawed]

First advice would be, don't get rid of your new date yet! You're not stringing her along yet, its only been a few dates so dont worry about that. Try and act EXACTLY the same with her, or she'll notice the change.

 

I think you are right, this time now is the decider. Both parties actions in the next few days are probably going to determine the outcome.

 

I may be wrong here but it doesn't sound like youve actually had a proper chat. I mean a proper, actually get everyting out in the open, chat.

 

This is what I'd do, in my inexperienced, naive opinion....

 

Tell her enough is enough, that you want to work things out one way or another (but obviously let het have time to decide)

 

Why not sit down with her somewhere private (not the car for gods sake! - thats where i was dumped btw, nice!), set a whole night aside for this chat. Something that i found helpful once was to sit down with my gf and write a list of things you love and things you hate about the relationship. Then you have kind of a plan for the chat, points to cover etc. Go down the list and discuss in depth each issue, take it in turns.

 

Come up with solutions to all the problems. Write them down too!

 

Now I have no idea how to deal with the self-loathing/pitying, but some how you need to make her understand that you will be 100% committed to the cause, and that you need her to be too.

 

 

I hope that was helpful in some way, even as an example of what not to do lol

 

 

Rocket

 

Very helpful,

 

First of all, as far getting rid of the new girl, No, I don't plan to. The scary thing is we are so identical right now, long term marriages with no baggage and still rebounding from our only real relationships since. She was pretty upset about seeing the ex boyfriend Saturday night. I can be honest here and she understands. but I am not going to drag her down with emotional ex stuff.

 

I agree with getting somewhere alone with a clean piece of paper. I have kind of suggested that to her with mixed results. I would love to go out of town and be free to do that. Write it all down and make a plan. The next opportunity will be in two weeks. I will try to figure a way to get her to do that. I am also committed to seeing a counselor together. We really need a third party to stimulate this. Too often when we talk, she gets quiet and I go around in a circle. She will then point something out wrong I did and I spend the entire time defending it. I really think her hearing a third party ask her why that really matters may help. We also need someone to help guide us with a plan.

 

I wll try to figure a way to get her to do this in the next couple of days. In the meantime, I will try not to talk to her to limit bombarding her with this. She is so confused and will not get any better without some help.

 

It is so frustrating because all the little crap she brings up is so repairable. 40 year olds who totally love each other should be able to deal with these things.

[RocketMan2]

Hey Shocked,

 

I don't really know what to say I'm afraid

 

Councelling sounds like a good idea, but she is going to seriously have to WANT to change and pull her self out of her self pity and/or depression.

 

Chin up

 

 

 

Rocket (depressed today )

[shockandawed]

Thanks Rocket,

 

I really know without a professional, third party, we have no chance at all. I just have to figure out how to get her to that point. She really has issues, not being mean, just there are things inside her she can't sort through.

 

She has little to no friends. She is depressed because her 15 year old daughter needs her less and less. She admires and worships her father, who she feels she has never measured up to. I don't think that is the case, but I know she feels that way. He lives far away as does her mother. Something inside her tells her she is a horrible person and doesn't deserve to be happy. I think she really believes that.

 

90% of the time she is an amazing woman. Romantic, funny, affectionate, smart, etc.....but as I have said earlier, we have had 4-5 points in our relationship when she would get depressed, pick apart the tiniest things and then blow up. This was the case again, except she ended up seeing someone else, which prolonged it. Now she knows that was a mistake.

 

Sunday for example. She was obviously distraught over the thought of me moving on, agrees we should try to figure it out, then the next morning she is back on the fence. ANd to justify herself, she throws minor and old stuff at me that puts me in a position of defending. For example, she brings up a time very early in the relationship about seeing my then 15 year old son looking in the top of her purse. Not rooting through it, but looking into it. It was one of the first times she was over and he met her. She was also the first girl of mine he met after the divorce. I had asked him about it and he said he was just standing there and looked in. But now, almost three years later, she is throwing that in my face as an example of different parenting styles. I spend the time defending that. It obviously bothered her so much that she went ahead and spent another 3 years developing the relationship.

 

We need a third party to keep our conversation on the real matters. Someone who could ask her, why does that matter 3 years later. Anything I say just looks defensive.

 

I know, easier to just walk, but if she ever did get help, she would be amazing. I know, not my place, but when you love someone like I do, and know there is something hurting them, you want to do everything possible to fix it.

[RocketMan2]

Oh how I longed for an impartial, unbiased third party.

 

She said so much stuff to me when she broke up with me about what i think about this and that, and it was just plain wrong. I couldnt tell her any different because she couldnt hear it from me.

 

You could always goto the counsellor you plan to see with her, alone first and get some advice on how to get her to come along with you.

 

 

Rocket

[jmargel]

Rocket is right.. It's not how you get her there, it's just she does get there. So you must make the first step. I would recommend telling her this:

 

"I know you are afraid that all of this is just talk and no action but I am doing something for myself along with the hopes that this might bring us closer together and allow us to communicate better with each other. I am seeing a counselor and I hope that when you feel ready you can join me."

 

Then just leave it at that.. Make an appointment and go start seeing one. You'll come to find it's more of a stress reliever than anything.

 

By you saying what I posted you are giving her the opportunity to go and make it her own decision to do so.

[lorr]

I still find it bizarre that you say your doing NC, but then find the time and energy to be sending emails, phonecalls, texts etc.

It seems that she has you right where she wants you and I suppose the only time you will eventually learn is when she continues to flippantly mess you around time and time again.When this happens I only hope for your sake that boredom will eventually set in and you'll move on. I'll just leave it at that....