woodyman Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 Hi everyone. I would love some advice from the female audience please. Picture the scene...she was with her ex for nigh on 4 years. HE ended after this time, after their first time attempting sex saying that he wasn't ready for the commitment that they seemed to be headed. After maybe 8 months she got with someone else, probably who I know now was the rebound, but he is not a nice bloke and did not treat her well. A year on, at start of 2006 she got with me. We have been together for a year and a month now. Now this ex, 2 months into mine and her new relationship, said that he still liked her before she went on a college trip to New York...and to New Years, when before he went to South Africa, he said he LOVES her. Now she hasn't done anything, but I am not looking forward to his return. I know, and understand, that if she hasn't done anything then what is the problem, but I would love to know what this constant need to be in at least SOME contact is, and whether my feeling just a "tiny bit pissed off" is a wrong thing to feel ?? Because to me, I would love to let this guy know how i feel, tell him to get over himself, and to find a new girlfriend, stop holding on to your pathetic hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 I know, and understand, that if she hasn't done anything then what is the problem, but I would love to know what this constant need to be in at least SOME contact is, and whether my feeling just a "tiny bit pissed off" is a wrong thing to feel ?? Because to me, I would love to let this guy know how i feel, tell him to get over himself, and to find a new girlfriend, stop holding on to your pathetic hope. Is it his need to be in contact with her? ... or her need to be in contact with him? One of those is important. One is not. I think alot of people have a special nostagia for their 'first love'. For folks who are emotionally mature, this doen't usually result in a problem. For folks who are susceptible to falter though, either lacking emotional maturity altogether or going through a particularly rough patch in their life... these old flames can become a bit of an obsession. If your girlfriend is setting the appropriate boundaries and is responsive to your discomfort... heck, ignore the guy. If she's not, y'all need to talk about it. She might initially see your objections to this old friend as a "control issue", but you need to make her understand that it's not. People have some basic needs in a relationship that must be satisfied in order for them to feel content in it. If what you're feeling right now is the need for reassurance.... she needs to understand that emotionally this need is very real to you. You can't feel assured of your priority in her life if she's winding you up and allowing you to feel anxious. Guys sometimes mess up by not sharing the REASONS why they feel the way they do. So when you're talking with her, make sure you're sharing your underlying feelings... not just your upset at this guy's audacity. "I feel anxious when I think this guy might ruin what we have together" goes further than "Why are you letting this guy make me jealous". It shows ownership of your feelings and asks for help rather than assigns blame. If you're very clear and honest with her about your feelings, and this young lady STILL can't prioritize them as important enough to take action... I think it'll give you an indicator of where the relationship is going. Link to post Share on other sites
Author woodyman Posted February 6, 2007 Author Share Posted February 6, 2007 Yeah thankyou for your reply. As for your first paragraph: Is it his need to be in contact with her? ... or her need to be in contact with him? One of those is important. One is not. It is the former, but to me it more the point that although she says she will tell him in an email or letter that she doesn't want him saying these things anymore, nothing has been done - i can only assume that a light-hearted letter has been written, and nothing with any heart behind it. For me it is reassurance more than anything in this relationship. I think its the fact that after hearing these things said to her, the fact that he liked her, and then that he loves her still, I was not allowed to voice myself to him. However much I wanted to, I held my ground with this. I want to feel like SHE wants to get him out of her life, like she says she does to me. I have made it very clear, I don't shout at her, honestly haven't for the whole year...but I am starting to lose patience with this guy treading a bit too close to my ground. It feels to me almost that I am not being taken seriously. Its just upsetting. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 I think its the fact that after hearing these things said to her, the fact that he liked her, and then that he loves her still, I was not allowed to voice myself to him. It's probably better to trust her until she gives you a reason not to. If she's an attractive girl... men are always going to make their move. And just because she doesn't put them back in their place exactly like you would... doesn't mean she's not putting them back in their place. Know what I mean? It doesn't much matter HOW the job gets done as long as it gets done. All that said.... Words + Action = The Truth Words - Action = Bullsh*t Next time the subject comes up... ask her to put her money where her mouth is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author woodyman Posted February 6, 2007 Author Share Posted February 6, 2007 Yeah makes me a load better, thankyou. I suppose if anything happens then it will be me that gets the comfort, and she isn't deserving of what i can give her. Nothing will, but if I think that way, then it protects myself a bit I suppose. Thanks for the words though ! Link to post Share on other sites
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