Lynnekel Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 My mom was rapped by her step father and was forced to tend to her many siblings, married my father who came from a well to do family, had me their first born (I'm now 51) although there were many photos of us as a child in happier times, now I wonder...my brother who at the time was 4 had gotten hit with a car and had a fractured skull is now 44...in the years that they had tendered to his medical needs I was left to run the streets, thank god I wasn't a horrible kid, I just didn't go to school, mom never helped me with homework and Dad was a working man of an 8th grade education. So, mom had signed a petition to put me in an all girls boarding school for 14 months, I learned some business trades and got my ged...my brother has always disappointed both of my parents by lies and stealing from them and always letting them down, I was always there for both of them. Now my father has passed 3 years ago, again I was always there for my mom, now she sold her home and moved into a nice apartment, in the move my brother stole trains 3 sets, 1 that belonged to me....now she gives me the cold shoulder and treats me mean, even as a kid she never let me have a key to the house nor trust me with anything, now that my brother finally comes up the plate and she doesn't need me anymore...she is cruel, she claims to be christian...but talks about everyone. I just feel like I am loosing all of my family, I've tried to talk to her and she just gets more and more sarcastic....what to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 First of all, welcome aboard. I'm sorry it was such a fractured family unit that brought you here. There are a couple of ways you can look at this and cope with it. The first is to realize that your mother's actions and attitude say everything about her and nothing at all about you. It's not your fault and you're not responsible of accountable for how she handles family matters and her relationships with her children. You are not her keeper. The second approach is to know that as an adult, you do not have to let other people hurt you. Being family is no excuse for unloving behavior and does not have to be tolerated. Nor do you have to willingly permit yourself to be a target. Life is too short to allow toxic people in it, and that includes family members. I know it's unpleasant to think about losing your small family but the question you have to ask yourself is, "Will I be better off and happier without them?" If they hurt you, make you sad and cause you to have bad feelings about yourself, are they really worth having in your life? Please give this some thought and if you can't come to terms with it on your own, it might be a good idea to seek some counseling. You are not to blame! Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 Go watch the movie"Million dollar baby" if you've never seen it may help Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 I'm with Curmudgeon, you need to cut her off from your life Link to post Share on other sites
WildKittySub Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 My mother supposedly had a very hard childhood, as a result, she gave all of us a very hard childhood. Me most of all though. I was her first and only with my father (she's on marraige #8 now), she hated my father and by default me. About 10 years ago, I completely cut her out of my life and I've never been happier! I have siblings who tell me I will regret it, or feel guilty someday. They have NO idea the freedom I feel now. Nobody could crush my self esteem like my mother could. And now she can't. Its the best thing I've ever done for myself. We can't pick our parents, but we can choose not to allow them to abuse us into adulthood. Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Phoenix Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 I agree with what the other posters are saying I also had a rockey child hood wich turned into a nightmear when I hit my teens. My mother was extreamly verbaly and mentily abusive to me till one day we had a huge blow out. I seprated myself from her and had no contact for a year or so I guess in that time something snaped back into place in her head because she was the one who eventualy came looking for me. That was about 8 years ago and we realy havent had any major probs since I supose you have to actualy show them that no they cant just bully you around any more. Untill they get the message and if not then compleatly cut them off I guess some times its the only way she suposidatly had a real ruff child hood as well thats sad but why fu*k up mine because of it? That kinda anyoes me when I think about it.. Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 Yeah having a bad childhood themselves is no excuse. I guess many times abusers are so messed up in their head they don't even realize they're doing anything wrong Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 I didn't quite understand the point of your post until I read your question: "What to do?" But before that, I've noticed that you're concentrating on the bad things and not at all at anything good. I think the reason is that your life as well as your family's life has mostly been hard and painful. So you're in a phase of your life where you're doing some looking back at your past and you see a lot of pain. And you need your mom's understanding and pity. Although a bad word, pity is what we all need when we feel pain. I know my mom feels sorry for me when I am going through hard times and that really gives me strength and the feeling of being loved. I am sorry for my sons when they are not well and I expect that from my parents. After all you've been through you don't want your mom to turn your back on you. You need her support. But your mom is not being mean to you because YOU are bad; it's because SHE has character issues. Don't take it personally. In any case, you should talk to her openly about this. When we have gone through some hard times in our lives, therapists are not what we need. It's love from the people who are close to us. And feeling estranged from our own parents can be very difficult. Talk to your mom and tell her how you feel. Are you married? Have kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lynnekel Posted February 5, 2007 Author Share Posted February 5, 2007 Hi...thank you so much for your input...yes, I am married, had a full blown out wedding got married in my parents same church where they were married and have one son, the only grandchild, my brother messed around with so many different women that he finally met one now that he lives with that cannot have children. Now my mother has sided with my brother and his girlfriend is very overbearing and control my brother, her mom has passed and she does do alot for my mom and now my mom tells me that she will not refuse her friendship with my brothers girlfriend although when my brother and his girlfriend are doing for mom is she acceptable of the girlfirend, the girlfriend told me and my mom that she does not like me and never wants to see me again over my brother stealing my train set, so my mom instead of standing by me she will not close the door on the girlfriend for fear my brother won't come around Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 Your mom is trying to be a diplomat with both her children. It's ugly that she doesn't want to see you ever again and it's also ugly that you want your mom to shut the door on her. The issues between you and her are between you and her. Your mom doesn't need to take sides. I have a similar situation in the family. Namely, my sister-in-law (I recently married my husband) hates me for no reason (probably jealousy). She has turned the whole family against me and talks to my husband against me all the time. He defends me, but he is trying to create balance between his family and me. That hurts me, because I've done nothing wrong (he agrees), I barely have any contact with them, and they still actively fight to ruin our marriage and kick me out of my husband's life. I didn't even ask him to ditch them. I don't want him to. I just want to NOT communicate with them, since they watch my every move and then complain about things that are ridiculous or none of their business. My husband can't accept that he should gather with them without me. They abuse him and threaten him that they will ditch him. Very ugly. And he expects from ME to be the diplomat, while they are openly rude to me. I can't smile and be a hypocrite. My point was that family relations are complicated when they are broken. Don't make a bad situation even worse, because family issues don't always end up in a logical or just way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lynnekel Posted February 6, 2007 Author Share Posted February 6, 2007 Hi Record Producer...so you also have a simular situation...what might it be that your sister-in-law doesn't like you? How do you handle the holidays? If her brother's (son's) heart is happy and you make his heart happy then they should be right? My mom for the longest time degraded my brothers girlfriend (my Christian Mom) he's living in sin, she was married before, I stuck up for the both of them and told mom that if his heart is happy who are you to judge! I know why his girlfriend does not like me its because she is a control freak and controls her 2 grown daughters and my brother and cannot dictate to me as far as where we go on the holidays and such as its my mom who never felt comfortable going to her house, so I stuck up for my Mom and always had the holidays at my house. I some what disagree with you as far as me being ugly that I want my mom to close the door on her....she is only opening the door for alterier motives only because she does do alot for my mom and she takes advantage of it. I feel that since the girlfriend is trying to hurt me, I am a part of my mother, I am her daughter and like your husband to stand by my side...again, thanks so much for your input.... Link to post Share on other sites
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