He cheated with a 19 yr old 8months pregnant girl

[kellytheidiot]

I visited these boards back in November. On Nov. 27th I found out my boyfriend of 2 + years had been talking to this 19 year old girl (who just had a baby) that I knew NOTHING about. I had never once heard of her. My boyfriend and I talked every single day for the last two years, I was like a 2nd mother to his 7 year old son who he has sole custody of, we were talking about getting married, and he NEVER mentioned his "friendship" with this girl to me. He said she was someone he'd known and been on and off friends with for the last four years.

 

He even knew her mom and talked to her once in awhile. This girl is 19 years old, my boyfriend is 29 and I'm 27. I had my suspicions about this girl- Sarah. My boyfriend swore nothing was going on,that he'd never even kissed her. He offered to let me meet her and I was suprised when I did- she lives in a run down trailer on welfare with her young daughter (born in sept). She is not the least bit attractive, she's into drinking and drugs and goes to the bar every other night. My boyfriend had described her as "gross" and said he'd never sleep iwth her because "she's too damn disgusting" and he also called her "psycho".

 

He's always said I"m perfect- that I have an awesome body and that he thinks I"m gorgeous. All of his friends like me and think he is lucky because I don't mind if he hangs out with his friends (unlike their wives who always want them to come straight home after work) So I'm pretty easy to get along with and he's made me that way,

 

My last boyfriend cheated on me with someone he used to date. I immediately left him. I had trust issues when I met my current boyfriend and he'd been cheated on by his son's mother so we were both careful to build trust with eachother. He is the only guy I've ever dated who is so attentive to me. He calls me every single day, he always tells me where he's going, where he's been, always wants to spend as much time as possible with me, is always complimenting me, he is so easy to talk to. We can talk about anything and we always have a good time. We've fought like any couple, mostly because of his possesiveness and jealousy issues but he's never hurt me, never given me any reason to doubt him.

 

Until that time in November. He swore up and donw that nothing happened. Offered to let me meet the girl in question, promised to have no contact with her after that (which he stuck to). This is a guy I've never had any reason to doubt. HE seemed totally in love with me. He told me I was his best friend, that I"m the only woman who ever treated his son well, that he's so lucky to be with me.

 

There were NO signs of cheating. NO red flags. nothing. Until I found out that he'd hid his friendship with this 19 year old girl from me. Well after about a month I was satisfied nothing had happened. I'd met her, nothing out of hte ordinary. She had a new boyfriend and was taking care of her young daughter. She didn't flip out and get mad when my boyfriend told her he wasn't going to talk to her anymore. She just acted indifferent. Still there was a strange feeling in my stomach that maybe there was something he wasn't telling me.

 

I told him I was going to contact this girl and ask her myself if anything had happened. I was going to show her this note he'd written me answering my questions about the situation in which he called her "gross, fat, disgusting and psycho" and said he wasn't the least bit attracted to her and would never sleep with her. i know that was cruel but I figured if she did sleep with him she would have a reaction to being described so horribly. Well he got nervous. He tried to pass it off as anger- said since I was the jealous one that I should go alone (I had asked him to go with me and he'd agreed at first) then backed out.

 

So on friday night I told him I was going to see her on saturday. I asked if there was anything I should know before I went. He said no, nothing had happened. He said he'd never do that to me because he loved me and wouldnt' ruin what we had. Well twenty minutes later (after I told him if I heard it from HIM instead of someone else there might be a chance to save our relationship) he said he'd call me right back and five minutes later he did and confessed.

 

So he told me that he'd had sex with this 19 year old 8 months pregnant girl in August. It was one week after my grandma's funeral (I was heartbroken that he'd do that to me when I was already greiving) and was 6 hours away in kentucky with my mom visiting my sister. I was only gone for three days!! My boyfriend and I'd had sex twice the day I left. I remember him being so sweet and almost crying because he said he'd miss me so much. He was at a local fair that week staying at his parent's camper (about ten minutes from his house)

 

This girl and her mom were there and he said he spent about an hour talking to her (they'd known eachtoehr for about four years) she was eight months pregnant at the time. He said she followed him to his camper (he thought she'd go home with her mom) and that he was missing me and horny and that he wanted me and I quote "I wanted you and you weren't there. She was there and she was easy.

 

If you had been there it never would have happened" I asked for all the details and he freely gave them to me. It was his usual one night stand sex (two minutes of thrusting, no foreplay, no making sure she had a good time) I say this not because my boyfreind has ever had a one night stand when he was with me but he's had a couple before me and told me all it is is "wham bang thank you maam' zip up and leave. He says he took her home afterward. He said he was discusted by how fat adn pregnant she was but that he was horny and she was a "hole".

 

I honestly don't know which part I"m more sickened by, the fact that he cheated on me and DIDN"T USE PROTECTION (and I was just tested for everything in july- a yearly thing and he did this to me at the end of August so I"m terrified and have to get STD testing right away.) or that he had sex with a vulnerable 19 year old girl who was EIGHT MONTHS pregnant and had a crush on him and she had just gotten out of a very abusive relationship in which her ex did drugs and beat her up every other day (father of her baby) and my boyfreind used her with about as much emotion as he uses his hand to get off.

 

He said it was a one night stand, that he refused to talk to her afterward. he took her home, dropped her off, picked up his son (he'd taken his son to his brother's house) and didn't talk to her for two months. He said she called him told him she wanted to be with him, that she missed him and all this stuff and he rejected her and told her he was with me. she was very upset and went back to her abusive boyfriend. Her mother called my boyfreind and begged him to talk to her daughter and get her out of the abusive relationship. So he said he called her in october and told her his experiences with his son and that if she didn't get away from her boyfriend she'd lose her daughter.

 

She moved back home with her mom and he says they became friends, just talking on the phone and hanging out. He claims they never had sex again, he told her he was with me and loved me and also told her about our problems. She would vent to him about her problems and he would listen to her and talk about his problems. Then she started dating some guy and didn't talk to my boyfriend much anymore (except hte time she called and that started this whole thing)

 

He said it was only the one time and that he felt horrible about it but figured I would never find out "you weren't supposed to find out". He said he doesn't know why he did it other than he wanted me and I wasn't there. that makes me so angry. I mean i was only gone for three days! And we'd had sex right before I left. He called me every f**king day and told me he missed me and loved me and I trusted him! I mean he knew I had problem with trust and that I had let down my walls and trusted him. He knew this and just threw it away for 2 minutes of pleasure. and his excuse is that I wasn't there and thats why it happened.

 

He said he didnt' plan it that she just followed him and he was horny. Well by that reasoning that means I'd have to attach a dog leash to his neck and walk him around and yank on it to keep him from sniffing other females butts like some kind of animal. He says he takes full responsibility for this, that it was just a stupid mistake. that he will regret it for the rest of his life because he never had it as good as he had it with me. He said he had no feelings for her, wasnt' even remotely attracted to her, he said he had to turn all the lights out and didn't even touch her except to help her out of the camper afterwards.

 

He said he even closed his eyes and pretended she was someone else. I can't believe the way he treated her afterwards. I mean he repeatedly told her that he used her, to leave him alone, that she was garbage to him. Then felt bad and turned around and tried helping her (get out of her abusive relationship). all the time hiding all of this from me.

 

All these months he's let me become closer and closer to his son (I"m the only female his son says "i love you" to, he doens't even tell his aunt or grandmother that. Oh and get this, my boyfriend says he was planning to propose to me in July (before this happened) but he didn't becaue of my grandmother being in a nursing home dying. so he loved me enough to want to marry me a month before he had a 2 minute one night stand with some pathetic pregnant girl 10 years younger than him!! I just dont' understand. And he says he's never done anything like that to anyone else he's ever dated. So why me???????

 

I mean he's had one night stands before (probably about 6 of them) but never when he was in a relationship. He lived wtih one girl for three years (before he had his son) and he says she refused to have sex with him the entire last year they were together and yet he still never strayed. but he and I have a great sex life and he just had sex with me two days before and he goes and f*cks some girl that is 8 months pregnant, unattractive, and he admits he wan't the slightest bit attracted to her and was grossed out by her.

 

why the hell couldn't he wait three days till I got back? I mean he says I'm so hot and I"m the best looking woman he's ever dated and he loves my body and our sex life is amazing and he's never met anyone who has taught him as much/experimented as much in the bedroom as I have. So obviously he was happy wiht me. so why the hell did he destroy everything we had??

 

I am in so much pain right now, I'm so angry at him, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with him? Why didnt' he just tell me back then and stop wasting my time? I mean this is the guy who was so worried I'd hurt HIM because his ex cheated on him. And I'd NEVER hurt him. I mean he's responsible enough to have sole custody of his son but he can't keep his pants zipped for three days till I returned? He and I can talk about anything!! he's the only guy I've ever met whose so open with his feelings and yet there is the whole other side of him that I"d never seen. I would have never thought he could be so cruel (to me an to this poor 19 year old girl)

 

I mean I may be giving her too much credit in feeling sorry for her because from what I hear from people who know her she sleeps around with everyone (which is why I'm terrified about getting tested) I just can't believe he did this. I'm so angry at myself for not knowing all of this before. I should have suspected something as soon as it happened. My gut feeling should have kicked in. But nope there I was probably the day after it happned being all lovey and sweet to him and having sex with him. I probably listened to him tell me he loved me afterward. He may have even called me that night after he slept with her and told me how much he loved and missed me.

 

 

I feel like my world is just shattered. I will NEVER trust anyone ever again. I don't think I'll be in a relationship for a long time because I will be one of those girlfriends that has to monitor my boyfriend's every move! I'm not naive and I"m not stupid. I'd been cheated on before (ex had an emotional affair with one girl which I forgave then had sex several times with another- he never admitted it and I could never prove it but there were enough signs) so my current boyfriend is the only guy who's ever admitted to what he did. I should give him points for that but I feel like killing him instead haha.

 

I am devastated. I can't even imagine the pain one who is married goes thru when discovering betrayal. I'm not married, we didn't live together so eveyrthing in my life in intact except for this huge hole in my life that used to be filled by him and his son. I miss him so much that i'm in actual physical pain. I can't sleep because I just have horrible dreams about what he did. I wish there was a switch to turn my brain off for a few hours becasue my thoughts are consumed by his betrayal.

 

I can't even go an hour without crying. I can hardly eat. All I want to do is sleep. But even sleep isn't comforting, I wake up in the middle of the night and my mind just races with thoughts of what he did. It would almost be easier to just go back to him- at least this time I'd know I was dating an immature little boy who is ruled by his hormones instead of thinking I was "lucky" that I had such a great boyfriend. At least if I went back to him I wouldn't be in so much pain right now.

 

 

I just don't understand why he did what he did. he had it made. I was great with son, we had so many good times. Yes, we fought at times but all couples do. But he said over and over that I was his best friend. that he's had other long relationships (his longest was 3 years) but he'd never felt as connected to anyone as to me. He could tell me anything. I was there with him when he fought for sole custody of his son. We had it made.

 

The thing that bothered me when he confessed about this one night stand is that he kept saying he knew I would leave him and that he would miss me so much and that the thing he missed most would be my awesome body and he went on to say again that I'm the best looking woman he's ever dated and each time he sees me undressed he thinks about how lucky he is that someoen like me even touches him. All he talked about was the sex part and how great it is with me and thats what he'll miss the most. It was like that I"m some empty pretty shell that has no feelings.

 

He has called me every single day since his confession. I saw him on saturday to get my stuff back and give him his back and he just hugged me and held me and let me cry and kept saying how sorry he was and that he'd do anythign to get me back. luckily his son wasn't there because i didn't have the strength to say goodbye to him just yet. He called me saturday night too to say he missed me and wanted to know if there was anything he could do to change my mind.

 

He called me yesterday too. he said he just can't go a day without talking to me becuase he used to talk to me every single day. I think I'm cracking, I'm just so tired of this relentless pain, I've been thru break ups before but it was usually because we grew apart and even though I"m the one who intiated this break up I feel horrible. I just lost my grandma in august and am still grieving over her and now this.

 

I just don't understand!!! Why did he do this?? why did he do this to ME? why is his only pathetic excuse "I wanted you and you weren't there" ??? By that reasoning if I"m at the mall and feeling frisky I should just be able to go grab the nearest male and drag him out to my car and have sex with him. Or gee my boyfriend and I live together and one of his friends stops by to drop something off while my boyfriend is at work and maybe I'm thinking about sex, so by his own logic since my boyfriend isn't available to me AT THAT VERY MOMENT I should rip his friend's clothes off and have my way wtih him.

 

Ridiculous. He says if I get back with him he'll never do it again that he's learned his lesson. But it seems like it didn't take much at all for him to cheat on me. I mean I wouldn't be so insulted if the woman looked like a model or some playboy bunny. But this is a girl that most men wouldnt' have been attracted to and yet he just couldn't control himself and not cheat on me. (and no he doesn't have a pregnancy fetish) he's actually pretty picky when it comes to woman's weight and as shallow as it is he's never dated anyone who was more than 20 lbs over weight and I'm 5ft2 and weight 105 lbs so I"m pretty tiny and he loves the way I look.

 

This girl (not pregnant anymore) is about 5'4 and about 170 lbs!!! and yes she was pregnant but she gave birth in Sept so she could have lost some of that by now so I can imagine she was even bigger before she gave birth. I'm not trying to sound petty or conceited I just can't figure out why he did this!! Do you think he regrets it and do you think if we ever got back together that he'd do this again or do you think he's learned a lesson? Why did he do this?

[Kathleen2260]

I really feel for you. Men (and women) make bad choices sometimes. You will never have the answers you are looking for (why it happened). Your boyfriend sounds incredibly immature and selfish. Have you ever noticed these characteristics in him? You have to realize that this isn't YOUR fault and its not about you. You couldnt have done anything to stop him and you can't control his behavior. That is HIS responsibility. If he is an adult he should be able to control his actions. I've been through something similiar- my boyfriend had an emotional fling with his married ex. Different type of betrayal but same situation as in he chose a totally inappropriate partner. Someone I'd never dreamed he'd be interested in. But men are weird. Sometimes they are just attracted to something different no matter how good they have it with you. The only difference is that my boyfriend denied everything and never admitted to anything. Until I found a note he'd written to her. Then he admitted to writing the note (well it was hard not to since I had it right in front of him) but still insisted that it was nothing and said he didn't tell me because he didn't think I'd find out.

So I feel your pain. All I can tell you is to trust your instincts. Don't forgive if you don't think you can live with the uncertainty of the fact that he might repeat this behavior. I mean it might never happen again or it might happen every other month, there is no way to tell. Hang in there.

[riobikini]

Sometimes, men just let their d*ck do whatever it feels like doing -and with whom- and at the risk of hurting themselves, and others.

 

It's true that it's disconnected from the brain. (Smile)

 

There's no doubt you are deeply hurt over this -but it comes down to a fair question: can you forgive it? and do you believe it won't happen again with someone else?

 

I won't tell you what my own answers would be to those questions -they're *yours* only to answer.

 

I sympathize with your circumstances.

 

-Rio

[lovelorcet]

This guy is scum beyond scum...

 

Kick him to the curb and never look back at him.

 

What an awful person.

[dropdeadlegs]

I don't know how I didn't see your post yesterday and i am sorry you had no replies for 24 hours.

 

Your username - you are not an idiot, but I have been betrayed in the worst possible way and I can understand that you may be feeling like one. First I would suggest that you forgive yourself because you didn't do anything wrong. You opened your heart to someone with a bad result. Based on everything you said it was not a bad decision by you. He used bad judgment by not truly appreciating what he had.

 

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I distinctly remember the feelings you are experiencing. You are a tiny woman, please eat, even if the smallest amounts with frequency. I lost 40 pounds in 3 months going through a similar situation, but I had 40 pounds to lose. You do not. It is normal to be upset to the point that eating and sleeping are nearly impossible. I was sleeping 2-3 hours per day for weeks and so much energy was spent crying. If necessary, please see a doctor for something to calm yourself and allow you to rest. I waited nearly a year, and I could have eased so much of my pain with very short term medication that helped me to cope. I waited until I had nearly had a full blown breakdown. It is not a sign of weakness to admit that you need help in sorting out painful emotions and a difficult decision. My heart is truly going out to you this very moment.

 

I, like Rio, know what my answer to the question of taking him back is, but it's my answer and I do not want to impose my opinion on you. This is very personal and one can only answer that for oneself. What I would like to share with you is that the decision should not be made until you KNOW the right answer for you. In the immediate aftermath of betrayal thought processes are not at their best. I would venture to say that you cannot make a decision on this at all now. Couples counseling may help you to find the answer as to "why" he did this. I believe it is important for him to understand this about himself, as much as for your emotional health, should you decide to try to work things out. Such counseling would likely take several months and that would allow you the time to step back, sort through your feelings, your future desires, and your ability to forgive or not.

 

Best of wishes. There is no hurry. Don't suffer for too long, the tolls are too great. I hope you have support in the way of family and friends. Mine were great and I leaned heavily on them for several months.