does he really think i'll cheat on him?

[Lauriebell82]

ok help needed here. i've posted stuff on here before (the regulars know this) because i've gotten some excellent advice that has really helped. well first of all some background for people who dont know. i've been with my bf for 5 months and its a serious relationship. its long distance (i go to school an hour 1/2 away) so i only see him on weekends.

 

things are so great between us right now. its going really well and we both see a future in the relationship. a weird thing that has happened lately is he has been having nightmares about me. i know this sounds really strange, but he has had a couple dreams within the last month that i cheated on him. now i would NEVER in a trillion years ever cheat on him. that is not my style and i love him so much that i never think about any other guy. i have a degree in pyschology so i am kind of trying to dream analyze this, but i guess my biases and fears are getting in the way because i am scared that he doesnt trust me and actually thinks i'll cheat on him! i have done everything to show him how much i love him and that i'm devoted to him, so i'm at a loss here. i know this is a dream, but as a future psychologist i know that dreams have underlying meanings behind them.

 

his only other serious gf that he has been in love with cheated on him and broke his heart about 4 years ago and i am his only long term serious gf since. i am the only other girl he has been in love with, so maybe he is paranoid that i will do what his ex did to him. i tried reassuring him the last time he had his dream that i loved him with all my heart and i would never do anything like that to him. but it happened again the other night. i tried reassuring him again and in response to me saying that i would never do that he said "please don't." which doesnt sound very convincing. so i guess i'm just wondering what his deal is. i tried talking to him about it and reassuring him but something is still bothering him. what could it be? has this happened to anyone else? and what can i do about it?

 

i know these are just dreams, but him having nightmares about me cheating on him has to mean SOMETHING.

[woodyman]

Oh god this is scary. Very scary.

 

I am the male in this situation, and have exactly the same dreams, and say that exact thing to my girlfriend when she says she wont cheat:

 

i tried reassuring him again and in response to me saying that i would never do that he said "please don't.

 

As I can give you the male point of view, I can safely say that to me, it is an underlying fear about losing you, not the fact that you will. With me, people who I have loved, I have lost. So now, aged 20, I keep a lot of walls up, and try hard not to set myself up for yet another loss.

 

Don't think he doesn't trust you...I am pretty sure, that by saying "Please don't" like that, like I do, he is just looking to hear the words from you.

 

At a guess...does he like to cuddle you a lot, hold your hand, keep close to you when you are together ???

[Lauriebell82]

yeah when we are watching tv he always puts his arms around me and kisses the top of my head and pulls me in close and stuff. same with when we are sleeping. i'm sort of confused about the situation. girls say they wont cheat and stuff but i DEF. wouldnt. i dont even sleep with any guy who i'm not in serious relationship with. i wont even casually date a couple guys at the same time cause i feel like i'm cheating. and he knows this, so i am not sure why he is still having them.

[woodyman]

It is something he has to work through, don't get frustrated, cause it is hard for the bloke too, just that girls seem to be the ones that need the attention on tap (like my gf !!)

 

Just go out together, do stuff together, everything in arms when you can. If he has those dreams, then he does, i mean obviously you cant help that, neither can he I would think, I know I cant.

 

I am very interested as to whether there is a meaning behind it, and I think I make it worse for myself because I believe that there is, and so my dreams are trying to tell me something.

 

You are doing nothing wrong, it is something that he worries about, and it comes out at night. I can sympathize with him though, it is not nice to see.

[Krytellan]

Are you guys even serious???

 

So now all of a sudden wanting to provide our girlfriends with cuddling and random kisses is a sign of insecurities? OK then... what shall we do? You say you want something and then psychoanalyze when you get it.

 

Lauriebelle, I can see some of me in your b/f, so I can give some insight perhaps. I'm 32 and have a few different experiences with being cheated on.

 

In hindsight, the last girl that was "good" for me (apart from my current love) cheated on me near the middle of the relationship. We tried to make it work but I eventually I cashed it in b/c I couldn't let it go. At the time I ended it, and even when I think about it nowadays (which is no reflection on my current g/f), I told her, and now think, why did you have to do this? We had a great thing and you had to go and screw it up for something stupid. And, of course, it was ruined by something completely out of my control... frustrating to a man.

 

I have seen many good people do many horrible things. As such I live by the motto that "anyone is capable of anything". I told my current g/f this and she thought it was horrible, but later conceded that there was truth to it. I am absolutely and completely in love with my current g/f and though I have been divorced from a woman I thought was very good for me and turned out mentally tormenting me, I havent let that experience torment me for my future decisions, and I could see a long future with this woman.

 

When we have meaningful moments, I will say things to her like "I hope you are the woman I think I know" because these are very real feelings. She has told me that she would always be faithful to me, and my response was something along the lines of "I hope so" or "please do". This doesn't make me insecure, it simply means that I love her, and it would break my heart if she did cheat on me. What's wrong with feeling that way? Wanting something so badly that you hope they don't mess it up... makes total sense to me.

 

His response was "please don't". Why not? ANYONE IS CAPABLE OF ANYTHING. You being you does not exclude you from cheating and I would never blindly believe someone when they said that to me. Promises like that can only be shown through a lifetime of proper decision-making. So no, I wouldn't inherently believe you either, but if I gave you all the chance in the world to prove it does that make me an insecure freak? If I loved you, of course I would ask you to not cheat. Dear lord, more people should have those basic requests.

 

Dreams mean nothing, and this is coming from a psychologist. Nothing you could say to him can convince him... don't try. Show him, thats all you can do. If that is not enough for him, THEN you have a problem. I touch and kiss and cuddle my girlfriend whenever I can. I don't go throuhg life fearing she will cheat on me. I do it because I:

Love her

Can't keep my hands off her

Enjoy the feel of her

Like to tease her

And do it without even thinking, because it's my style

 

Nowhere in that list was there a reason that if I hold her tight she can't cheat on me.

[Star Gazer]

Lauriebelle, with you and your BF, it's always one thing or another. You're mad he doesn't spend time with you while he's studying for the biggest exam of his life, you think he has "issues" because you jump on top of him and spill water all over the place and thereby irritate him, and now you're pulling out your Psych degree to over analyze his dreams? It's been FIVE MONTHS and you only see him on weekends.

 

You’re constantly comparing your current BF to other BF’s – what they would do, say, take you, meet the parents, etc. You seem to be the type who wraps up all of her personal self worth in her boyfriend. You’re paranoid that he’s going to break up with you, paranoid that he doesn’t want to marry you, start bawling over silly arguments, and continue to pressure him for more, more, more, more. He’s going to leave you if you don’t stop acting like such a needy, petchulant child.

 

Let's take a review of the threads you've started about your relationship:

 

insecurity - 8th November 2006

You were “sort of” in a relationship with him, and admitted to being insecure. PROBLEM there – you have to be full yourself before looking for someone else to complete you.

 

he doesn't say "i love u" as much - 19th November 2006

At just THREE MONTHS you were flipping out over the fact that those three little words don’t come out of his mouth as much as you’d like them to, despite the fact you acknowledge he does all these other wonderful little things for you.

 

am i just paranoid ??? i need ! - 23rd November 2006

You get into silly arguments, and start bawling at the thought of not being able to meet his parents after only knowing him for four months.

question about my boyfriend - 7th December 2006

You’re confused as to why he’s not specifically talking about YOU when generically referring to his intentions to get married in the future.

 

he doesn't want me to meet his parents - 9th December 2006

You had been together 4 months at this point, he told you he wasn’t ready, and they live 5 hours away…and yet you continue to press the issue with him and freak out.

my boyfriend said he needs more excitement in bed - 18th December 2006

This is a MUCH larger issue than you seem to want to recognize.

 

holiday dilemma - 11th December 2006

Again over the “meeting the parents” issue – you admittedly “overreacted” and started crying. His parents live five hours away, and the circumstances you were proposing would have required you to stay with him at his parents house for 10 days. You’d been together 4 months at this point, and you flip out on him.

 

new updates on the holiday dilemma - 25th December 2006

More crap about invading upon his time with his family during the holidays.

 

my boyfriend was rude on the phone to me - 31st December 2006

He was short with you when you called him during a party during his last night home for the holidays, which you knew he would be at.

everyone i know is engaged..should i feel this crappy? - 7th January 2007

Whining because you’re not engaged and all of your friends are. More questioning your BF and his intentions to marry you.

is this normal? - 10th January 2007

He’s bored having sex with you. PROBLEM! PROBLEM!!!

 

is it bad to spend every night together? - 13th December 2006

You actually WANT to spend every night together? Don’t you have a life? Other things to do than your boyfriend? Why is your life so wrapped up in him?

 

has this happened to anyone? what can i do? - 20th January 2007

Your BF began telling you that you need to stop being dramatic, stop being so emotional, work on trying not to say thing without thinking. Are you seeing a pattern here?

 

does he want to get married or not? - 25th January 2007

You’ve been together FIVE MONTHS. This shouldn’t even be a topic for public discussion yet.

 

is my boyfriend playing games with me? - 12th January 2007

You apparently are so dense that you cannot appreciate the difference between your BF needing a mini-break from studying for the biggest exam of his life and wanting to be with you 24/7/365.

 

my boyfriend is acting strange - 18th January 2007

Your boyfriend was acting “strange” because he asked for two weekends to be able to study FOR THE BIGGEST EXAM OF HIS LIFE rather than to cater to your wants.

does my bf have issues? - 30th January 2007

You acted like a child, yet you blamed him.

 

does he really think i'll cheat on him? – February 5, 2007

(Honestly, at this point, maybe he’s hoping you will so that he’ll be justified in breaking up with you. It’s hard to break up with someone with the statement, “You are ANNOYING!!!”)

 

That's EIGHTEEN THREADS you've started about your BF in less than 3 months. There are serious issues here...

 

Lauriebelle - you are not happy in this relationship. Why? Because you are not happy with yourself. You are constantly looking to this "perfect" BF where you only fight and argue "sometimes" (which results in you bawling and overreacting...do you see my sarcasm here?) to complete you. Why aren't you complete in and of yourself?

[Lauriebell82]

i dont even know what to say here..it was just A QUESTION. all of these things that i have ever wrote are new to me. i have never been in a relationship like this before. they are new experiences that i was wondering if anyone had any insight about. its not "wining" its asking for advice like everyone else on the website does.

 

yeah i havnt been with him that long, but i see potential in the relationship. a lot of people post stuff that may sound stupid on this website. do u have a degree in psychology or counseling or anything. because let me tell u..u dont really know all that much. well maybe i should just stop posting..i think its fun to ask for advice, and give other people advice. maybe because i am a counselor i dont know. being harsh and treating people like crap may be UR ISSUE. how about u stop being judgemental and just take it as questions. sheesh its not that i'm that unhappy because i'm not. this is fun for me, its nice to get other poeple's opinions on stuff. thats what u do on this website. DUH!!!!!!!!! GET A LIFE

[Krytellan]

Hmm... okay then...

 

*quietly picks up his papers and sneaks out of the room*

[Star Gazer]

i dont even know what to say here..it was just A QUESTION. all of these things that i have ever wrote are new to me. i have never been in a relationship like this before. they are new experiences that i was wondering if anyone had any insight about. its not "wining" its asking for advice like everyone else on the website does.

 

yeah i havnt been with him that long, but i see potential in the relationship. a lot of people post stuff that may sound stupid on this website. do u have a degree in psychology or counseling or anything. because let me tell u..u dont really know all that much. well maybe i should just stop posting..i think its fun to ask for advice, and give other people advice. maybe because i am a counselor i dont know. being harsh and treating people like crap may be UR ISSUE. how about u stop being judgemental and just take it as questions. sheesh its not that i'm that unhappy because i'm not. this is fun for me, its nice to get other poeple's opinions on stuff. thats what u do on this website. DUH!!!!!!!!! GET A LIFE

 

 

If you're a counselor, then you shouldn't need our help - you should be giving it out to all the people who come here for advice.

 

You come across as needy and insecure. You've admitted as much. Your world revolves around your BF to the point where you wouldn't leave him the hell alone when he was studying for the CPA exam. If I had anyone in my face whatsoever while I was studying for the Bar Exam, I would have booted him so fast he wouldn't have known what hit him. He knows what his priorities are: (1) the exam, (2) his family, and yet you're constantly trying to trump those priorities. Why? To make yourself feel important. Why? Because you are insecure and cannot be happy and content with yourself.

 

You do whine. You whine, and cry ("bawl"), and don't understand your BF. You don't want to, because all you want is what YOU want.

 

If you see potential in this relationship, then you need to take care of it. And given what you've posted in the past, you're most likely driving him out of his ever loving mind, not to mention boring the hell out of him in bed (insecure girls tend to do that, BTW).

 

Yes, I'm being harsh - but only because you need to get this smacked into your head. I've followed your threads and only become more and more irritated with your behavior and thinking patterns. I don't believe you that you're just posting here "for fun." Who would waste their time posting threads about their relationship problems unless they are a troll??

 

Mark my word. Keep this crap up, and you will lose him. But maybe it's best if you do....

[Krytellan]

If you're a counselor, then you shouldn't need our help - you should be giving it out to all the people who come here for advice.

 

TSK TSK

 

It's WAY more fun to solicit advice and then go off on people when they trigger something that may be true and important. Shame on you for suggesting that people dont listen!!!

 

[Star Gazer]

It's WAY more fun to solicit advice and then go off on people when they trigger something that may be true and important.

 

Ain't THAT the truth? :D

[Lauriebell82]

well i'm a little confused because are all the other people who ask for advice needy, insecure, dependent. u urself star gazer posted some thread about some guy calling u, so hmm that what does that mean? sorry i'm being harsh, but maybe thats what u need.

[Star Gazer]

well i'm a little confused because are all the other people who ask for advice needy, insecure, dependent. u urself star gazer posted some thread about some guy calling u, so hmm that what does that mean? sorry i'm being harsh, but maybe thats what u need.

 

I'm not sure what the heck you're talking about here.

 

The difference between me asking about ONE guy who hadn't asked for my phone number yet, despite asking me out on several dates via email and text, is gargantuan compared to your 18 threads about your boyfriend.

 

I can smell someone who's needy, clingy, insecure, desperate, etc., from a mile away. You reek of those attributes. I only recognize it because I used to be that way myself, before I got a clue and got a life outside of my then-boyfriend. It took relationship after failed relationship before I figured out how MY BEHAVIOR was fatally injuring my relationships.

 

As of right now, I'm the "call too much" girl. I'm workin' on that. I used to be the "move too fast physically" girl. And before that, I was the annoy-the-f*ck-out-of-my-awesome-BF-while-he's-dealing-with-his-own-priorities girl.

 

Despite my mistakes, I'm pretty freakin' awesome, and I know it. I know that I am not needy, I'm not clingy, I'm not desperate. I am truly happy with who I am, who I've become. My bed is just as warm and comfy when I'm the only one in it, as when I've got a lovin' hottie in there with me.

 

With your posts, you have proven yourself to be exactly the opposite.

 

I'm assuming you come here for sincere advice from those who HAVE been in your position (or in your BF's shoes). I have been, so have many others. If you're not willing to take the cold hard truth, and stop behaving like a petty child (c'mon, look what you posted in my thread - calling me a b*tch? How CHILDISH!!!), then maybe you should just select the option that prevents you from reading anything I've posted.

[Lauriebell82]

i thought about all this, maybe its all because of something else in my life that is happening. maybe its not him, maybe its other things that i cant emotionally deal with that i'm projecting onto my bf. i'm leaning on him too much for reasons that i'm not going to talk about, but after reading all this and getting pissed i realize that maybe there is something wrong with me, that doesnt have anything to do with my bf. maybe my stupid little issues with him comes from somewhere else that is messing with my life. so set aside the fact that u all think i'm needy and dependent and maybe try to open ur mind that its something else. yeah i realize i'm too dependent on him, but from something else.

 

maybe talking to him will, maybe not. at this point i have to try to deal with whatever else is going on with my life so it doesnt effect my relationship. because i guess i guess ur right..i didnt realize that all this was having such an effect on my outside life. sorry i freaked out, there is probably some truth but for a much more difficult reason than just being needy and dependent because my world resolves around him. its not him, its me. i need to deal with my emotional baggage, before i lose him. i'm going to try, not sure how yet, but i'm going to have to figure it out before it is too late.

[Krytellan]

As of right now, I'm the "call too much" girl. I'm workin' on that. I used to be the "move too fast physically" girl. And before that, I was the annoy-the-f*ck-out-of-my-awesome-BF-while-he's-dealing-with-his-own-priorities girl.

 

Now this is someone who knows herself. Congrats!

[Lauriebell82]

i'm sorry i called u that, it was rude. i'm trying to deal with things that are effecting me that is making me act this way. i'm depending on him to help me emotionally, and instead its coming off as needy and insecure. i wasnt always like this, its gotten worse since i started seeing him, around the time the other problem got worse. i guess i'll tell u guys in a general sense why this is happening but maybe it will help u to see what is happening with my bf. my mom is mentally ill, very mentally ill, and its emotionally tramatizing me. i know i'm revieling a lot, but maybe u can see why this is happening and understand a little more. i cant tell everyone about it because im embarrassed so i lay it on him and depend on him to help me. which is totaly wrong. i have to deal with this myself without driving him a way. i'm giong to stop contact with my mom and see if that helps.

[Krytellan]

i'm leaning on him too much for reasons that i'm not going to talk about, but after reading all this and getting pissed i realize that maybe there is something wrong with me, that doesnt have anything to do with my bf.

 

There you go, bingo. Put everything else aside and tackle this(these) issue(s). If you want advice and are willing to accept that some people may just have some valuable knowledge to impart to you... without arguing about it, then ask for some help here.

[Lauriebell82]

ok, well since i just disclosed this maybe u can help. i promise i wont freak out again. lol

[Star Gazer]

i thought about all this, maybe its all because of something else in my life that is happening. maybe its not him, maybe its other things that i cant emotionally deal with that i'm projecting onto my bf. i'm leaning on him too much for reasons that i'm not going to talk about, but after reading all this and getting pissed i realize that maybe there is something wrong with me, that doesnt have anything to do with my bf. maybe my stupid little issues with him comes from somewhere else that is messing with my life. so set aside the fact that u all think i'm needy and dependent and maybe try to open ur mind that its something else. yeah i realize i'm too dependent on him, but from something else.

 

 

I'm going to take a stab in the dark here. Do you have an absent father (either physically or emotionally absent)? That's where my issues stem from. I was abandoned by my father when I was 2 months old, and ALL of my issues related to "needing" a guy - his attention, his love, blah blah - stem from that. My feelings of self worth (or really, when I felt I wasn't worth very much) also stemmed from that. I've got abandonment issues to the 10th degree, they even have a tendency to seep over into my female friendships if I'm not careful.

 

The whole point of my "in your face-ness" with this, Laurie, is that it is NOT about your BF. It is NOT about your relationship. It is about YOU. There is something "messed up" (for lack of a better phrase, but really, it's a good one) with YOU that is making you behave this way. You need to get a grip on it, work through it, and try your best to control it, if not fix it entirely.

[Lauriebell82]

not my dad, my mom. i havnt been close to my dad like i was with my mom, and when my mom is rude and emotionally abusive towards me i have trouble coping.

[Star Gazer]

my mom is mentally ill, very mentally ill, and its emotionally tramatizing me. i know i'm revieling a lot, but maybe u can see why this is happening and understand a little more. i cant tell everyone about it because im embarrassed so i lay it on him and depend on him to help me. which is totaly wrong. i have to deal with this myself without driving him a way. i'm giong to stop contact with my mom and see if that helps.

 

Okay, so what's going on with you is making you emotionally unstable. Fair enough. But I do NOT think you should put your BF above your mother.

 

What is wrong with her?

[Star Gazer]

Parents are supposed to be our support system. I moved back from L.A. to NorCal to be closer to my mom and grammy because they are my support. They are everything to me... but they have their own faults too. BIG ONES.

 

But when a parent isn't there (like I said, either physically or emotionally), or IS there and is abusive or undercuts your goals, puts you down, etc., the resulting feelings of not feeling like a worthy human being are natural. Your parents are supposed to love you unconditionally, so when they ACT like they don't, it f-ing hurts like a S.O.B. We feel worthless, and look to someone else to tell us and show us that we ARE worth something. That is what you're doing to your BF right now.

 

But he can't fix it. He can't make you feel better, no matter how hard he tried. You've gotta realize you're awesome and wonderful and an amazing person all on your own - without the input of parents, boyfriends, teachers, bosses, etc.

 

I resort to this every time, and perhaps I should be getting a cut of the fees generated as a result, but seriously... it's time to see a therapist. You're a counselor? You know you need help. Talking to someone about crap like this works wonders.

[Star Gazer]

Now this is someone who knows herself. Congrats!

 

It took WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too many mistakes to get to that point though!!!!

[InsanityImpaired]

It is a fear of him. Are you sure the issue is sexual cheating (people tend to oversexualize dreams - thanks Sigmund)? Sexual acts can mean completely different things in dreams, so don't rule out alternative interpretations. There is more to dreams than predicting events.

[Lauriebell82]

well thanks for understanding..my mom is suffering from very severe depression and has psychotic and violent episodes directed at me and my father. its more hurtful cause ii used to be able to talk to my mom about everything and lean on her. now that that is gone i feel like i dont have anyone to turn to. the reason i got so upset about not meeting his parents (i mean i wanted to meet them) but i got so upset because my mom ruined both my birthday and christmas, and we knew she would. so i guess i wanted to go home with my boyfriend so i could have a nice holiday with a loving family, be with my boyfriend, and meet his parents all at the same time. i dont want to be around my mom, and unfortunately the only place i have to go is my apartment at school an hour 1/2 away from my boyfriend.

 

so i'm kind of at a loss right now. his actions sometimes confuse me because honestly he is the most independent together bf i have ever had. my other relationships have been with real losers who treated me like crap, and honestly we DO have a good relationship. all the stupid little issues arent big problems they are just things to talk about that had never happened in other relationships. i guess i did post a lot, most of them werent even big deals that i needed to post about but i did mainly because it was nice to have people to talk to about all this. maybe i do actually need counseling. hopefully not seeing or talking to my mom will help me. aside from that i'm not sure what else to do.