If he got divorced but STILL works with his wife, would you feel ok with it?

[DepressedWaiting]

I have a question and really wanted to get some opinions on it. I do NOT want to discuss my situation on the forum at this time (some things are finally happening but I don't want to discuss it right now). I just have an important GENERAL issue I wanted to get opinions on because I am a bit lost on it.

 

Let's say for EXAMPLE that the MM you were involved with got a divorce to be with YOU and no longer lives with his wife because of course... he got a divorce! BUT that he STILL works with his wife in the same office room because his wife works for him (he owns his own business so he hired his wife to run the office for the past entire year now) and when he got divorced he provided his wife an offer she couldn't refuse to continue to work in his office and run his entire office 5 days a week. The reason he did this was because it is obviously very difficult to hire somebody new and then re-train them to do all this work e.t.c. and his wife does a good job in the office for the past entire year now.

 

He is in the office a few hours a day with her but then goes out in the field with his technicians who also work for him. The technicians do NOT do any office work and are never in the office... they strictly do field work only so he needs somebody to run his office full time from 9 am - 5 pm for him or his business would go dead. Thus this is what he hired his wife to do for the past entire year now.

 

If this was your MM and you used to be his OW and he got divorced to be with you but was still continuing to work in the same office with his wife 5 days a week... would you feel ok with it or would you feel a bit uneasy about it? Especially if his wife knew about you while you were having an affair with him so even though he is now fully divorced you STILL have to keep your relationship with him a secret from his wife and be careful so that if you call him at the office his wife doesn't find out.

 

Would you be ok with his? I hope I don't get bashed here... I can't help how I feel but I am not ok with it? It would make me feel very uneasy... sort of like even though he is fully divorced and did it to be with me... he's still TIED to his wife.

 

IMPORTANT note: His wife has only worked for him for a year now and she wouldn't mind quiting (she actually WANTED to) and then going back to her real job she had previously at the hospital but he gave her an offer she couldn't refuse to continue to work at the office because if she suddenly quit... his business would go dead with nobody to run it! He doesn't have the time to sit there and retrain a new employ... this business is VERY VERY stressful and he is out in the field a lot with important clients...

 

Am I very insecure to feel this way or is it justified... I don't know?

[whichwayisup]

Hey DW, welcome back...

 

SO she doesn't know that you two are still together? That is really odd seeing as they're divorced. I can see how it makes you feel uncomfortable and insecure...

 

What are HIS reasons for not telling her about you?

 

And, I hate to ask, but are you 100% sure that they are officially divorced?

 

It all comes down to trust now...DO you trust him?

[YoMomma]

Especially if his wife knew about you while you were having an affair with him so even though he is now fully divorced you STILL have to keep your relationship with him a secret from his wife and be careful so that if you call him at the office his wife doesn't find out.quote]

 

When did he show you the divorce papers with the GOLD SEAL? If he didn't then don't believe a single word he is telling you! If he did show them to you, did you read the entire decree? You might be mentioned in there... and that's why you're off limits - is there a retraining order against you? Somethings isn't adding up...

[Kathleen]

Is it an option for you to take over the position that his xw occupies?

The stress & insecurities on your shoulders might be lightened if she was no longer in the business picture.

[Meredith63]

What I would be wondering is why he made her an "offer she could not refsue" effectively insuring that they would see each other every day. She manages his office, hardly rocket science.

 

This does not make sense to me...

[DepressedWaiting]

Thanks for the responses but you guys.. hold your horses... remember I wrote "I don't want to discuss my situation right now". I will later but not right now. I am just trying to get your opinions on this issue.

 

I never said he was fully divorced yet... he isn't. (Something is happening... don't want to discuss it here YET).

 

I run my own business... a year ago he WANTED me to work for him and I declined... he was in a real jam and wanted me to work in his office with him but I declined. I have my own business to run and worry bout. But now I regret it because I could have done both my business and his! So this is why his wife with her job at the hospital and is working for him now for the past entire year.

 

Oh nuts! I just said I didn't want to discuss my situation and I just did a little bit.

 

Let's just PRETEND and ASSUME that what I wrote in my first post is what HAS happened 100% and that he is fully divorced but he still has his wife working for him.

 

I would feel very insecure about that... almost like even though he FINALLY got divorced to be with me the nightmarish PAIN feelings I had will still be there because he would STILL be tied to his wife.

 

I hope you understand what I mean?

 

 

P.S_ Whichwayisup... so you see why I can't answer the questions you just asked me... just TRYING to get opinions on my EXAMPLE if that example were my current reality.

[DepressedWaiting]

Meredith,

 

When his other employ quit and he was begging me to work in his office and I refused... he tried to find somebody to do the work... it is not standard office work... it is complicated work and a complicated business. he tried to find somebody for months and did not work out... it's not that easy.

 

It's not secretary work.

[Meredith63]

Regardless Depressed - what if she were to be (god forbid) run over by the proverbial bus next week? He would have to replace her. You need to think long and hard about why he would be tying himself to his STBXW, NO ONE is irreplaceable. Difficult, maybe but not impossible.

[Kathleen]

This should not be an issue of yours until the divorce IS final.

Do you agree?

[Art_Critic]

Do I have this right ?

 

You are Jealous of his wife thinking that after the divorce is final that she might have an affair with him after you both get together and then she would become an OW ?

 

Not likely...

 

what is likely though is that he will continue to have other OW's.. you are not going to be his last

[DepressedWaiting]

Meredith,

 

Yes that are my thoughts exactly. Also what I have neglected to mention is that he does have a secretary working for him as well. So he has his wife running everything and then a secretary. Both his wife a sec work from 9 am - 5 pm. When he was begging me to work at his office I worked for him for a week and then quit. I didn't want to work for him.

 

So he then hired this sectretary (she's a older women newly married and with kids)... but this secretray does not do a good job. Therefore since I didn't want to work for him and he was stuck with just the sectrtary who couldn't run the business in the office... this is WHEN his wife quit her job at the hospital and now runs his business.

 

So the REAL reason I am feeling NOT ok with this is... why the h*ll can't his secretary run the office in that case. What on earth does he need to keep his wife around for that??

 

He tried with only his secretary but it wasn't working... he needed additional help... and since I wouldn't do it... his wife started working. I wish I had started doing it!

[DepressedWaiting]

This is WHY I did not want to post here. NO he would not have other OW's. This is for certain. I have been talking to his therapist and things have happened... I am sick of these off the wall general comments that are being thrown out when you do not know the situation.

 

Not every MM has multiple OW's!!! Not every situation is the same.

[Art_Critic]

This is WHY I did not want to post here.

 

I answered your post.. I don't think she will be a problem.. she will most likely move on to someone better.

 

Tell me.. why do you think he will not cheat on you ?

[Art_Critic]

Not every MM has multiple OW's!!! Not every situation is the same.

 

 

Correct.. but most of them are.. most also follow the same exact pattern of cheating and deception..

.. are you thinking that you will beat the odds ?

[DepressedWaiting]

And on second thought.. I am trying to figure out if I would even be insecure about it. I don't think I really would... I don't know. I'm not worried that he would still be seeing his wife after getting divorced so why torure myself in making something out of nothing.

 

The reason I don't know my feelings is because as somebody else just mentioned in this thread... I shouldn't even be thinking about this if he isn't fully divorced yet.

 

I think that was the best advice so far in this thread... don't worry about something that isn't a current issue.

 

Things are happening... but I don't want to post about it yet. I'll update you guys in the near future about it. I just popped in here to get opinions about that general issue.

 

No point in me even talking or trying to get opinions on something that isn't currently happening.

[whichwayisup]

You need to talk to him then and let him know how you feel. Let him know what you will and won't put up with. If he loves you and wants you to be happy, he'll tell his soon to be ex wife to stop working with him...And, if he doesn't, well - He's just wanting her around for whatever reasons he may have.

 

Is it possible that he's waiting until the divorce is finalized, and then he'll tell her to stop working with him?

 

I'm trying to understand exactly what is going on, and I know you don't want to open up too much here, but I think if you did open up more, we can help. And, if you don't like some of replies, ignore 'em and focus on the replies that DO help you.

 

I remember your situation so I doubt he would go through all this trouble and then go be with more OW.

[Art_Critic]

I am trying to figure out if I would even be insecure about it.

 

Because of how your relationship started out you are always going to feel this way.. not just around the exw but around other women that he is close too..

 

The fix is all up to him.. he has to make you feel secure in your relationship so the insecurity that is felt never grabs a hold of you..

If he can't then it will drive you up the wall

[Guest]

You stated: He doesn't have the time to sit there and retrain a new employ

 

Why on Earth would HE be training a new Employee? If it is her current position that she wishes to leave, she would be the one that would train a new employee to take her place. All he would need to do is a few interviews and no matter how busy he is, I can't imagine him not being able to set something aside in order to retain someone to take over these tasks if needed. I bet she would even help him screen resumes.

 

I'm sorry but his train of logic just doesn't make sense.

[Art_Critic]

So I guess you are still depressed and still waiting ?

 

what ever happened to the single guy you were dating ?

[DepressedWaiting]

Whichwayisup,

 

Thanks for your response. The last comment you wrote made me laugh a little bit

 

Yes, you know the chaos and nightmares I have put him through... that is for sure. He would have dumped me and replaced me a loooooong time ago if he were just wanting OW and sex.

[DepressedWaiting]

Art Critic,

 

I think you have me confused with somebody else because I have never dated a single guy. He is the only man I have ever been with.

 

But I think posting about this right now is silly and a little bit pointless since again... this isn't my current reality. Who knows how it will all play out and how it will all be settled. I guess I was just curious to get opinions on this issue.

 

I will be back to update you guys with everything... things are happening... but right now I feel it's too early to post. I'd rather wait, sorry

[Art_Critic]

Art Critic,

 

I think you have me confused with somebody else because I have never dated a single guy. He is the only man I have ever been with.

 

Sorry......

[DepressedWaiting]

I'll be back sometime in the future with a proper update. Right now I'm thinking too far ahead and torturing myself... I'll be back when everything is more in order.

 

Thanks.

[DepressedWaiting]

PS- And I wouldn't trust him any less just because of the way the relationship started out. I don't trust him or ANY man for that matter. Never have and never will. After all the things I have seen and heard with other people's relationships.

 

I just don't trust men in general. Even if this relationship started out normally... and I could afford it financially... I would have a regular PI monitoring him just to make sure I'm not being betrayed. Sorry I just don't and never have trusted men.

 

I'll never want to live with a man nor get married. So he would have plenty opportunity to stray that's for sure. But just look at what men do when they are living with their partner? They STILL manage to cheat... so if they want to cheat they will do it either way.

 

I wonder how much PI's cost anyway... will have to look into that... just curious

[YoMomma]

If he got divorced but STILL works with his wife, would you feel ok with it?

 

Actually - it wouldn't be anyones business other than the person who he is married to who he works with. I can tell you this, at this point in my life I could very well work along side my ex-husband we get along fine (NOW THAT WE ARE NO LONGER MARRIED).

 

But would I want to do that... never! :rolleyes: