If he got divorced but STILL works with his wife, would you feel ok with it?

February 5, 2007

I don't know if you're going to come back and read this but here's an example for ya:

If he lives in a 50/50 state then she is entitled to half that business(unless there's a pre-nup) and maybe the 'agreement' is to let her work there instead of trying buy her out. He could be paying her an ungodly salary or hourly amount.

Just a thought.

February 5, 2007

Did he or is he going to buy her out her share of the business? also why all the insecurity now? Are you afraid that he will still be sleeping with her?

February 6, 2007

It's not a 50/50 state. It's in florida. Also the business was his many years before marriage... half won't be hers. I'm not worried that he'd still be sleeping with her. That I'm definitely not worried about.

I guess I was just curious to get opinions on whether I am nuts for being insecure about him still working with his wife or not. I think what would be bothering me is that he would still have ties to his wife and I always had this fantasy that once he's divorced there would be no contact. It's not like they have kids! He can't have kids... (he shoots blanks). Just nevermind... no point in thinking about that now. I'll post back later with proper update.

February 6, 2007

For the record...I would be uncomfortable with it. I am fairly good friends with my exH but I couldn't imagine working with him. It would likely interfere with the healing process of one or both of them. And even amicable divorces require healing after.

February 6, 2007

It's not a 50/50 state. It's in florida. Also the business was his many years before marriage... half won't be hers. I'm not worried that he'd still be sleeping with her. That I'm definitely not worried about.

I guess I was just curious to get opinions on whether I am nuts for being insecure about him still working with his wife or not. I think what would be bothering me is that he would still have ties to his wife and I always had this fantasy that once he's divorced there would be no contact. It's not like they have kids! He can't have kids... (he shoots blanks). Just nevermind... no point in thinking about that now. I'll post back later with proper update.

regardless of if he had the business before he married, the wife is still entitled to her fair share.

February 6, 2007

I never said he was fully divorced yet... he isn't.

First let him divorce, then worry about the rest. Secondly, how you feel now may not be how you will feel later. When I first found out that my husband communicates with his first wife, I was furious (we were not married at the time). Now she calls occasionally, even at 1 AM, she cries on the phone, they schedule appointments to see each other, but she never sticks to the deal. The thing is she is mentally ill and I can't be jealous of her. OK, this is different, you would say, but he left his wife because of you or whatever reasons, so he definitely doesn't love her. She is just an employee and things will probably be more awkward for him and her than you. If this scenario really happens, I don't think you should worry one bit about her working there. If you worry, you will argue with him and that will ruin your relationship - not the ex-wife.

About hiding you, he might hide you for a few months, but then he will get used to the new situation. My ex and I were hiding in the first 3-4 months of our relationship, because his wife had just died in a car accident and he started a relationship with me only a couple months after the tragedy. All his friends knew me from before and we felt it was not a good idea to reveal our relationship immediately, even though we had decided to get married in the first month of our relationship (cuz we were friends for 6 years prior to our dating). When our secret was finally exposed, everyone turned their back on us.

Does his wife know that he wants to divorce her? Is she OK with it or trying to negotiate a reconciliation? Do they have kids?

February 6, 2007

Recordproducer,

They don't have kids. He can't have kids... he shoots blanks

Yes his wife knows he wants a divorce. He doesn't want reconciliation... I don't know if his wife does though.

Yes, I shouldn't even be worried about this at all right now. I'm thinking too far ahead. I don't know... I was just sitting here with this fantasy that if he were divorced there would be NO ties to his wife anymore and that he wouldn't have ANY type of a relationship with her anymore.

But then this past week I find out it might be otherwise (he told me that he would not be ok if his wife quit because he would be in a real jam)... and it really threw me for a loop. I don't know if I could handle him working with his wife even if he divorced to be with me. He has a secretary in his office... I mean for god's sake... why on earth can't his secretary run his business?

If the secretary did NOT exist then I would be more understanding... the secretary did run the biz for a very short period of time but she wasn't doing a good job (I remember him always complaining and stressed about it)... that's why he wanted me to work there as well... but I refused and now his wife is there with the secretary. The sec is there from 9 am - 5 pm five days a week.

But I am thinking too far ahead... who knows how it will all be settled.

I mean honestly... if he divorced to be with me... no longer lives with his wife (I shouldn't be complaining?)... I would be very happy with that. But still have a sick feeling if he has working relationship with his wife in HIS office... arghhh I don't know!

PS- If I were in his shoes I would never tell my ex-wife that I am now seeing the women I had an affair with while married. That would just cause unnecessary chaos with my ex-wife and then problems at work. I don't see the point in that?

February 6, 2007

So he then hired this sectretary (she's a older women newly married and with kids)... but this secretray does not do a good job. Therefore since I didn't want to work for him and he was stuck with just the sectrtary who couldn't run the business in the office... this is WHEN his wife quit her job at the hospital and now runs his business.

So the REAL reason I am feeling NOT ok with this is... why the h*ll can't his secretary run the office in that case. What on earth does he need to keep his wife around for that??

i have a feeling that, even if it's not his wife that's running his business for him in the office, but instead, it's a young, single, physically attractive women who appears to be very intelligent and who knows a lot more about his business than you do, you will still feel insecured!

you have just pointed out that his secretary is older and married with kids.... i got this feeling that you feel secured to have his secretary around him because of that... one of my ex boss (married) used to sleep with his single female secretary. situation like this happens a lot.

any woman (most, if not all), will feel jealous, or even insecured in that situation. maybe you should work on your sense of insecurity first and, if things do happen, you might consider working for him, or introduce someone who you can trust (a male friend for example) to replace his wife's position in the office. most of the positions in the office are replaceable, as other posters have pointed out. it is workable, and possible. but now, before it happens, i suggest that you work on yourself first.

best wishes to you.

February 6, 2007

DW, your worries are completely unnecessary, For god's sake, he will ditch his wife. He doesn't want her. You should be safer with her around than if he hired a new girl.

As you said the secretary did a lousy job so he needs one more person. Don't be a control freak. I know you're just a jealous woman (like me and everyone else), but count to ten before you start demanding things. The more you demand the less you will get. You can't bomb him with demands from the very beginning. If the ex bothers you, you will remove her with time. But don't spoil your love with such BS, please. His ex is the last person on earth you should feel as a threat.

Are you guys going to live together? Do you have kids? If not, do you want them?

February 6, 2007

This, to me, is about setting boundaries, what you will and won't accept. YOUR boundaries (not ultimatums, mind you) need to be clearly communicated in any R (regardless of whether it is a M or EMR) in order for your needs to be met.

So - this sounds like a boundary for Depressed. I don't blame her, I would not want my man working with his XW either, and it has nothing to do with jealousy. It is about moving on, cutting ties, changing your life, etc.

I think Depressed needs to make her needs known. I guess I never subscribed to the "OW book" about the OW not having needs/opinions/boundaries??

February 6, 2007

Thanks for the responses. They have been helpful.

Yes, it's not about jealousy... it just feels strange because I always thought if he were divorced there would be no ties to his wife anymore... but then last week I find out otherwise and it threw me for a loop. Wasn't sure what to think of it or if I should be freaking out or not.

Yes, you guys are right... I would freak out if instead of the ex-wife working there he hired a new women to work there who was young and attractive! Call me crazy but I would tell him I couldn't deal with that and it wouldn't be ok with me. That's just asking for trouble for a man to work with somebody like that no matter how decent the man if you ask me.

There are plenty of males he can find to work there or older recently married women with kids like his current secretary

No, we don't plan on ever living together nor getting married. I don't want to ever live with a man or get married. I like to live by myself. And I definitely will NEVER have any kids. It's just not for me... I have always known this. If I don't know anything else in this world... that I do know.

I just want to see him maybe 3 times a week and be faithful to me and be fully divorced! That is all I need from a man. I would go crazy seeing the man I'm involved with more than that. I think when you don't see him everyday or live with him... it sort of keeps things alive and stuck in that honeymoon faze because you aren't seeing him so often. Now I'm just babbling and not sure if anybody knows what I mean.

February 7, 2007

Hmm, I think you are living in a fantasy. I doubt this man will be faithful to you just because he is divorcing his wife, esp if you only want to see him three times a week and esp. if he was having an affair with you. I always felt that if a person wants to cheat they will. You have to have it in your heart to be faithful and you can't keep tabs on a person 24/7.

February 7, 2007

I don't see what difference it would be whether I was living with him everyday or seeing him 3 times a week. Give me a break. I guess your entitled to your own opinion.

Look at how many men cheat when they live with the women... that doesn't make any difference. I'm not going to force myself to live with ANY man just for this reason and make myself miserable!

He has never had any affairs except for with me... you don't know the whole story. I am sick of these inaccurate off the wall cliche comments that just don't always apply.

February 7, 2007

I do really wonder how much a PI costs though. I have just never trusted men... a regular PI wouldn't hurt if you ask me

This man is the one living in a fantasy if he thinks he can betray and me after getting a divorce and I wouldn't find out.

February 7, 2007

I just want to see him maybe 3 times a week and be faithful to me and be fully divorced! That is all I need from a man.

He has never had any affairs except for with me... you don't know the whole story. I am sick of these inaccurate off the wall cliche comments that just don't always apply.

I do really wonder how much a PI costs though. I have just never trusted men... a regular PI wouldn't hurt if you ask me This man is the one living in a fantasy if he thinks he can betray and me after getting a divorce and I wouldn't find out.[/quote]

WOW... talk about Fantasy Island!!!! :D :D :D

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

February 7, 2007

I don't see what difference it would be whether I was living with him everyday or seeing him 3 times a week. Give me a break. I guess your entitled to your own opinion.

Look at how many men cheat when they live with the women... that doesn't make any difference. I'm not going to force myself to live with ANY man just for this reason and make myself miserable!

He has never had any affairs except for with me... you don't know the whole story. I am sick of these inaccurate off the wall cliche comments that just don't always apply.

What more is there to know? He has proven his character to you over and over! Re read your old threads, remember the history you have with this man.

January 10, 2006

When I got there... MM was still VERY angry and upset with me... because of our last fight he ended up in the hospital for two days. He almost had a nervous breakdown. He has bad anxiety and cannot handle stress.

Turns out when I was at the warehouse his WIFE showed up. She started screaming at me and called the police on me... she even attacked me and wripped my shirt. I fell to the floor crying begging my MM to stand up for me and admit the truth. My MM screwed me over... he didn't even try to stop his wife. MM even denied ever having sex with me! He denied EVERYTHING and sided with his wife. He twisted things around and made it look like I'm crazy and stalking him. I wasn't and he knows this! He completely screwed me over! He let his wife call the police and he DENIED everything to his wife!

How long are you going to continue to play in the street with the bus coming at you?

February 7, 2007

I do really wonder how much a PI costs though. I have just never trusted men... a regular PI wouldn't hurt if you ask me

My ex wife hired a PI to watch her ex when he had the child.

4 days worth of watching is all he needed and it cost her $5500.00

To her it was worth it as she found out he was getting drunk while he had the child and she went into court with that and got monitored visitation.

February 7, 2007

The Diva,

Again you do not know the whole story. Right before that happened a few hours earlier I had called his wife and then told her where he was hiding assets before a divorce e.t.c e.t.c.... he lost thousands in wasted attorney fees. I did a LOT of terrible things to him which I didn't even post and never will. He was already FURIOUS with me that day ( he had just gotten out of the hospital a couple hours earlier because I stressed him out so much he became ill and had to be hospitalized)... not that it's an excuse but I do understand why he did some of the things he did that day. He was out of his mind from stress and was trying to escape!

I'm not discussing this any further... there is no point. I did a lot of TERRIBLE things to him and he also to me in return... it went both ways.

I have already went to a single session with him to his regular therapist which he see's weekly (I could only go for a single session because she will not see us together until everything is finalized and he is fully divorced). He has been telling me the truth about everything... e.t.c. e.t.c.

And NO he has NOT had any affairs with any other women than me. What an idiotic pointless comment that was to tell me I'm in fantasy land for stating so. He has NOT. Case closed.

Just forget it. There is no point.

February 7, 2007

And also I have already clearly noted that I do NOT trust him or ANY man for that matter so I don't need these rather pointless comments that I can't trust him... like I didn't already know this.

I merely posted here curious to get opinions on the working with wife issue after a divorce. That's it.

I'm signing out from this thread. I will post a proper update when I am able to do so about the bastard.

February 7, 2007

And also I have already clearly noted that I do NOT trust him or ANY man for that matter so I don't need these rather pointless comments that I can't trust him... like I didn't already know this. I merely posted here curious to get opinions on the working with wife issue after a divorce. That's it. I'm signing out from this thread. I will post a proper update when I am able to do so about the bastard.

Guess you really love him ha? Does he know how you feel about him... he might want to give that divorce a second thought! :rolleyes:

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

February 7, 2007

The Diva,

Again you do not know the whole story. Right before that happened a few hours earlier I had called his wife and then told her where he was hiding assets before a divorce e.t.c e.t.c.... he lost thousands in wasted attorney fees. I did a LOT of terrible things to him which I didn't even post and never will. He was already FURIOUS with me that day ( he had just gotten out of the hospital a couple hours earlier because I stressed him out so much he became ill and had to be hospitalized)... not that it's an excuse but I do understand why he did some of the things he did that day. He was out of his mind from stress and was trying to escape!

I'm not discussing this any further... there is no point. I did a lot of TERRIBLE things to him and he also to me in return... it went both ways.

I have already went to a single session with him to his regular therapist which he see's weekly (I could only go for a single session because she will not see us together until everything is finalized and he is fully divorced). He has been telling me the truth about everything... e.t.c. e.t.c.

And NO he has NOT had any affairs with any other women than me. What an idiotic pointless comment that was to tell me I'm in fantasy land for stating so. He has NOT. Case closed.

Just forget it. There is no point.

If you don't want to discuss it, that is your right. I just wish you would step back and see the whole picture from a 3rd party POV.

Look at my membership date. I have read your threads, but no I can't know the whole story. I only know what you post.

Honestly from what I have seen I don't know why you would want a relationship with a man that has thrown you under the bus, makes you go nuts with his mismatched actions/words, and made it out to be like you are a crazy, drama queen. You have been far too 'understanding' of this man for too long.

I meant to answer the OP with my post as well.

As far as working with his (ex)wife, to me it smells of a big fat rat, and you will probably end up just trading places. You the GF and exW the OW. Not on the 'once a cheater always a cheater' line, but on the 'I am exW and I bet I can get him back kind of way...'

February 7, 2007

Hmmmm..... Sounds like someone is worried the ExW will soon become his new OW.

Sucks to have the tables turn on ya doesn't it.

Of course you can't trust him. You already know he is a cheater.

Good luck with that!

Lizzy

February 7, 2007

But I'm not worried that the ex-wife would then become the "ow".

Also he has been seeing a therapist for the past several months now. Recently I told him that I wanted to go to a session with that therapist with him because of some personal reasons I wanted to talk to the therapist about all of this because it was ruining my life. I told him if he didn't take me I am done.

So the therapist agreed to a single session only... unless and until he was fully divorced and we would take it from there. He has NOT had sex with his wife for the past entire year and a half now. He was telling me the truth about this. I used to give him PURE H*LL about this and used to interrogate the daylights out of him about this telling him I didn't believe that for a split second. MANY times he came over I would interrogate him for HOURS and HOURS about this the entire time he was over and we didn't do anything else. He would get so distraught and hyperventilate because I wouldn't lay off about it and he would be begging me to stop because he isn't lying to me about it and to please stop doing this because he can't take it anymore. I don't like a man bullsh*tting me and I wasn't going to let him get away with it... I wanted to hear him ADMIT it. But I was wrong... there was nothing to admit because he was telling the truth!

Also the therapist noted how the marriage had turned into merely a financial arrangement living more as roommates than anything else. That the marriage has been dead for quite some time now.

When I spoke to his wife on the phone last year she told me that he is more of a companion than anything else. I'm not worried that he'd be jumping her bones after he had gotten a divorce to be with me.

What IS bothering me though is that I thought if he were divorced he would no longer have ties to his wife... that she would be out of the picture. But now I see that it might not happen that way. Even though I know he wouldn't be jumping her bones behind my back after a divorce... it STILL bothers me.

I am a paranoid person and even though I know it wouldn't be like that... I still think "what if" no matter how silly that "what if" is...

Also its not like he's stranded alone in the office with his wife... his secretary is there all day with his wife together. Not like that would prevent hi for having sex with his ex-wife if he wanted to though.

I'm starting to drive myself crazy posting here and thinking about this.. it's making me sick.

Bottom line is that I shouldn't even be thinking about this yet. Maybe the divorce would be easier on him because then he would be paying his wife a lot of money to work there and in a way supporting her. The settlement split might be easier on him. And maybe his ex would only work there for a year or so... not permanently. I don't want to push too much too soon. I can deal with that much later down the road?

I mean if he goes through with the divorce which is a MAJOR step... don't you think it wouldn't be a good move on my part to start demanding that his ex-wife not work for him?

February 7, 2007

I used to give him PURE H*LL about this and used to interrogate the daylights out of him about this telling him I didn't believe that for a split second. MANY times he came over I would interrogate him for HOURS and HOURS about this the entire time he was over and we didn't do anything else. He would get so distraught and hyperventilate because I wouldn't lay off about it and he would be begging me to stop because he isn't lying to me about it and to please stop doing this because he can't take it anymore.

Wow you sound like a real gem of a girlfriend.

Then when he pisses you off you try to help ruin him financially.

I wonder WHY he hasn't filed yet.

Saaaay, how are YOU gunna handle the phone calls when the new OW starts calling you demanding to know about your relationship?

Curios, Lizzy

February 7, 2007

Well at least you see my point that I am a nightmare towards him and he certainly isn't having it easy

And that is minor... I just really gave him stress and stress and stress... CONSTANTLY. Everytime we would talk or see each other.

And that is exactly what he has always told me... "Why would I go through the h*ll of divorce to come to a nightmare like this". Meaning the way I am towards him. He told the therapist that nothing in his entire life has ever given him so much grief, pain and stress than I have but that he still wants me more than anything and thinks I was made for him... he just wanted me to stop giving him so much h*ll. So I tried it (man was it difficult for me to do it!!!) and it helped a lot and now things ARE happening.

But now he throws a bomb in my face that his ex-wife would still be working for him. I don't know if she'd even agree to this... I'll find out soon.

In regards to the last comment you made... there won't be any other new OW. And if there was and she did call me.. I'd thank her for bringing it to my attention and castrate him and set him loose. Good riddens in that case.

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If he got divorced but STILL works with his wife, would you feel ok with it?

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