If he got divorced but STILL works with his wife, would you feel ok with it?

[Lezbean]

LOL!

 

Dang! if THAT is what you call love, then I'd be afraid to see what you do when you hate somebody.

 

RUN MM RUN!!!!!!!!!!

[TheDiva]

Well at least you see my point that I am a nightmare towards him and he certainly isn't having it easy

 

And that is minor... I just really gave him stress and stress and stress... CONSTANTLY. Everytime we would talk or see each other.

 

And that is exactly what he has always told me... "Why would I go through the h*ll of divorce to come to a nightmare like this". Meaning the way I am towards him. He told the therapist that nothing in his entire life has ever given him so much grief, pain and stress than I have but that he still wants me more than anything and thinks I was made for him... he just wanted me to stop giving him so much h*ll. So I tried it (man was it difficult for me to do it!!!) and it helped a lot and now things ARE happening.

 

But now he throws a bomb in my face that his ex-wife would still be working for him. I don't know if she'd even agree to this... I'll find out soon.

 

In regards to the last comment you made... there won't be any other new OW. And if there was and she did call me.. I'd thank her for bringing it to my attention and castrate him and set him loose. Good riddens in that case.

 

That was the point I was trying to make. Your history together is not good, I am glad you are working past it. But I don't think either of you will be forgetting it that easily either.

 

OTOH if you aren't worried about him cheating with the stbxw, why worry about him working with her? Some marriage partners have found that while they sucked as romantic partners they were awesome as business associates.

[DepressedWaiting]

Well... what do you expect. I come here and read all the comments here how MM are scum... they never divorce. I'm a fool for thinking otherwise. You will get burned e.t.c. and e.t.c.

 

So I'm sitting here constantly thinking that WILL happen to me but then TRY to convince myself otherwise whilst driving myself nuts AND him all at the same time!

 

So I could never relax around him... thinking he's going to screw me over like everybody says he will. Then I start thinking I won't let him have it easy in that case. I'm too weak to leave him so I'm stuck and I might as well give him h*ll about it! That I CAN do and I got pretty darned good at it!

 

I lost count how many times I made him cry. He would literally break down crying begging me that he wants this to work and to please stop just please stop. He wants to divorce e.t.c... but not when I don't let things just be and STOP constantly driving him up the wall. He has severe anxiety problems now and the reason he started seeing this therapist was because of ME. He couldn't take it anymore. The stress would be so bad that he wold tell me he couldn't take it anymore but then I'd promise him I'd stop stressing him and he'd fall for it every time. Sucker!

 

Now before I get myself in trouble... I did STOP doing this and it looks like it was what was needed to make things start changing...

[DepressedWaiting]

The Diva,

 

You are right I am not worried that he would be having sex with his ex-wife. But then I come here and read all the negative comments that he probably would be e.t.c.

 

Now even though I know that is not the case... just reading the comments stating otherwise... I can't handle it. It starts making me think... well you guys are telling me that might be the case... so what if you are right... and it gets me... when I'm already a paranoid person even more paranoid!. Arrghh, see I tend to drive myself crazy

[Lezbean]

Not to be mean. But he has no integrity. He is a cheater. He cheated on her and he will cheat on you. It's a character flaw.

 

I know all the OW's feel like they are "special" and that the MM will leave for them blah blah blah. But it rarely happens and there is nothing "special" about them. They are just somebody who is willing to bed a married man and sneak around. They like to come in second and accept crumbs for a "relationship".

 

Lizzy

[TheDiva]

The Diva,

 

You are right I am not worried that he would be having sex with his ex-wife. But then I come here and read all the negative comments that he probably would be e.t.c.

 

Now even though I know that is not the case... just reading the comments stating otherwise... I can't handle it. It starts making me think... well you guys are telling me that might be the case... so what if you are right... and it gets me... when I'm already a paranoid person even more paranoid!. Arrghh, see I tend to drive myself crazy

 

Why bother to be paranoid? Different situations, different outcomes. True it don't work out for most. Just the fact that you have doubts though says (to me) that you should stop contact with him. No man; cheating MM or noncheating single guys are worth making yourself "crazy".

[brownsugah]

I don't see what difference it would be whether I was living with him everyday or seeing him 3 times a week. Give me a break. I guess your entitled to your own opinion.

 

Look at how many men cheat when they live with the women... that doesn't make any difference. I'm not going to force myself to live with ANY man just for this reason and make myself miserable!

 

He has never had any affairs except for with me... you don't know the whole story. I am sick of these inaccurate off the wall cliche comments that just don't always apply.

 

 

How do you know you were the only one? You are assuming that you were the only one just as the wife probably assumed she was the only one. My point was that he cheated while living with his wife what makes you think he won't cheat now that he's with you and you all aren't living together. If you really trusted him you wouldn't even be on here questioning his faithfulness. You're right just my opinion.

[DepressedWaiting]

Here is a bit of interesting gossip. Yes, that has always been on my mind and I hear it often. You know the cliche "Once a cheater always a cheater" and/or as said on the Dr.Phil show 'If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you".

 

So I of course had to bring this up with him. I give him h*ll about everything else so I wasn't about to let this one slide! I mentioned this to his therapist because whenever I would bring this up to him that I am wasting my time because even after he would divorce... I see what he did to his wife and he will to the same to me. That this isn't about me being "special" and that he has a mental problem and a problem keeping his d*** in his pants and that he is scum and has a character flaw. My exact words to him... why sugar coat it!

 

He would always tell me that this isn't true and to stop insulting him. He says that I AM very special... that he knows I was made for him... that he has always wanted me. Even before he was married but I rejected him... then I moved to another state plus I was waaaay too young. He's 20 years older than me. Don't bash me on this... nothing wrong with that. I have always been attracted to older men. Then he got married because he always wanted a family and kids. That of course didn't happen (I mean the having kids part) and no longer does he want that at all. He says he wishes he had never gotten married... that it was the biggest mistake he ever made. That I AM made for him... that he wouldn't ever want anybody else bla bla bla. That all these years he could never stop thinking about me. You know... the usual hogwash that I'm sure all men say.

 

But when I mentioned this to the therapist... this is what he told the therapist as well. So it seems that this is how he REALLY feels. I told the therapist that I believe he has a character flaw and is full of hogwash and to up his meds!

 

When he tells me all this BS that I am "special" to him... that I was made for him. I tell him... well you idiotic! You told that to your wife before you married her! If you didn't feel like this about your wife you would have never married her! His response is... he had feelings for his wife obviously... but NOTHING like what he feels for me. That he NEVER felt that way about his wife the way he feels for me and that I am wrong. Nor about any other women he has ever been with.

 

Maybe he's a masochist and likes bitches? My goodness. I know that's not the case but just a funny thought.

 

The therapist won't give further sessions with both of us until he is fully divorced but told me that I have to make a decision e.t.c. (if it's worth it to me or not) and that it wouldn't hurt for us to get a bit of help (or a lot of help!) and counseling after he is divorced about my trust issue with him. But that until then to stop contact... of course we didn't do that. Oh well.

 

I don't know why I wrote this here and I'm now babbling.

 

 

PS- Brownsugah... he has been seeing a therapist for the past several months. His therapist confirmed he of course isn't with another women. Seriously this isn't an issue. Not in this particular situation. I'm sure of course in many others it is... but not in this case.

[Meredith63]

Listen here now...

 

I've been married to my MM for a long time now. Does he have character flaws? Who doesn't? Did he cheat all those years ago.. yes, he did. Is he proud of that? Absolutely not. Does that make him a bad person? No. He is unfailingly kind, to both friends and strangers. He is honest and works very hard at what he does.

 

He does many hours of volunteer work EVERY WEEK and would never turn his back on someone who needed help. He has never, not one time ever, let me down. He has been a committed and loving partner to me, I have never caught him in a lie (and yes, once in a while I do check.. I would be stupid not to). Just like I do not let the fact that I was once an OW define who I am, neither does him having been an MM define the person he is.

 

Has he cheated on me? I don't believe so.. but never say never. We agreed, early on, to not put ourselves into situations that lead to trouble (i.e. clubbing) and we spend all of our non-working hours together (he says we remind him of the Alabama song "she and I", lol). I have a happy, committed, loving partner and have had for some years now. While I will always be aware that my M could be affected by infidelity... whosecouldn't? I would be painfully aware of that fact regardless of who I married, as everyone else should.

 

The possibility that infidelity could play a part in a M is applicable to ANY marriage, I believe. Anyone who does not keep their eyes and ears open is a fool, IMO. I would also venture to say that most BS's will agree with me there... blind trust is not a good thing (sadly).

[Guest]

I think every situation is different and to label a cheater always a cheater is a generalization, I do believe some people change AND that is coming from someone who was with a MM and he did leave his W for me, something I'm not proud of at all but it happened, AND, even with an extremely full sex life and happiness or so I thought, he turned around and cheated on me and did i deserve it... sure I did, he didn't want me to leave but I did, in a heartbeat I knew if he wasn't satisfied in our relationship he wouldn't be anywhere.

 

So just my opinion I do think some are always cheaters, but some do change, trust your gut. No one knows going into a relationship what to expect it can happen to anyone, any day, anytime, no guarantees, but don't let it rule your next relationship, don't make someone else pay for others mistakes, go into a new relationship with an open mind. Just my opinion and thought i'd share my story.