Wife left me. Thoughts?

[Gunny376]

Sups got it right, it might take a while for you to choke down on the idea, but look at it this way?

 

There's no shortage of fine younger women. You've got your freedom back, you can come and go, when and where you want. You can talk to whomever you want, whenever you want. Save or spend your money when and how you want, on what you want.

 

I mean ultimately when it comes down to it, and all is said and done ~ all this means is you've got to get off your dead azz and go find yourself some new women!

 

Damn the bad luck! Anything the wife's got you can find just as good as if not better, just as much of ~ if not more! I'm telling you guys there's no shortage of good women ~ but there is a shortage of good men that have their heads and acts together.

[Sup]

well you definately have a way of putting a positive spin on things!

 

 

Thank You! I aim to please!

[RecordProducer]

Stampy, your wife is an idiot! The man she "found" is married! He most probably fed her with promises about how he would leave his wife for her.

 

This is what I suggest that you do: meet up with his wife and tell her that your wife stated she wanted to be with the OG and told her friends and you that she has found someone else - that someone being her husband.

 

OG's wife will go ballistic and make a huge fuss about it. They will either split (not very likely) or the OG will have to focus on his marriage and slow down with your wife. Your wife will realize that she's been played and betrayed. As impulsive, over-emotional, and unstable as she is she will look for a shoulder to cry on. And it better be you.

 

You obviously want her back so there is no point in anyone telling you not to take her back. It really has to be your decision. If the OG splits with his wife and gets together with your wife then you will know that you've tried your best, she is not for you, and no regrets whatsoever.

 

I think the OG will continue the affair with your wife, but not leave his wife. It will take months before she realizes that he's been leading her on. By that time she will be deeply in love with him and unable to break up. You will be out of her heart forever.

 

Go break her soap bubble! No, she won't hate you for opening her eyes about what a liar the OG is. Good luck in whatever you choose to do!

[Stampy]

I should clarify what happened here is that the day that my wife left me the other guy's wife called me. She had discovered a text between my W and her H and kicked her H out. (this essentially triggered my W leaving me but I think she would have anyways) He begged her to take him back, told my W exactly what you said (that he wished he never had the affair and wanted to stay with his W) and left my W on her own.

 

Strangely, I think she's content now, but thats only IMHO because she is still messed in the head, and to put it in, I believe, Lady Jane's words, she hasnt realized yet what she has done.

 

Tough now, with the younger lady expressing interest in me. Yes, I know, boo hoo hoo. She's a hottie, life could be worse. But I'm older now than I was the last time I was single, (ten years older) and the years put perspective on things, regarding how do I deal with my kids etc. etc..

[RecordProducer]

I should clarify what happened here is that the day that my wife left me the other guy's wife called me. She had discovered a text between my W and her H and kicked her H out. (this essentially triggered my W leaving me but I think she would have anyways) He begged her to take him back, told my W exactly what you said (that he wished he never had the affair and wanted to stay with his W) and left my W on her own.

 

Strangely, I think she's content now, but thats only IMHO because she is still messed in the head, and to put it in, I believe, Lady Jane's words, she hasnt realized yet what she has done.

 

Tough now, with the younger lady expressing interest in me. Yes, I know, boo hoo hoo. She's a hottie, life could be worse. But I'm older now than I was the last time I was single, (ten years older) and the years put perspective on things, regarding how do I deal with my kids etc. etc..

I know about the text message discovery, but I didn't realize that he already decided to go for his wife and your wife is still not with you. I guess the OG was really not the reason. Frankly, I think it never is the reason, but I figured some women are different from the expected profile.

 

Well move on and good luck with your new opportunities. Hope you have success with that young hottie, but if not, don't despair - another will follow!

 

Don't be in bad terms or ignore your wife, for the sake of the kids. Be friendly with her. It's precious for the kids, believe me. Been there, done both.

[Sevenmack]

Thanks heavens Stampy that you're moving on. She's not interested in coming back now. And even if she wants to come back in a few years, she won't admit it upfront because her pride will have been bruised. People who leave marriages for affairs tend to have that problem.

 

She'll attempt to sneak back in by making nice with you and trying to get some sort of reconciliation going. But by then, it's too late. You can't hurt the one you love that badly and expect any sort of repair to make a difference.

 

Hopefully you've gotten a divorce lawyer, changed the locks on the door and filed for divorce and custody. Hopefully you are going into therapy to figure out ways that you can avoid this kind of woman in your life. And you will move on. Just don't go back to her.

 

All the Best!

[Mz. Pixie]

I replied that I would only contact her in case of emergency or serious problem with our kids, but otherwise would not contact her. She suggested we needed to talk about all sorts of things, such as ballet classes, piano classes etc.. I said I would only talk about emergencies. I know this is ****ty of me, but my W is famous for struggling with the most basic decisions. She can face decisions for herself now

 

I'm sorry, I completely disagree with you on this. You need to be more involved with your kids and not let your W keep you from them. If you're not involved in their lives won't the court not see that so well on your end??? Your kids shouldn't suffer because you have a hard time dealing with her- do not let them.

 

 

Started a semi relationship with a young lady - you know...holiday romance etc.. She is seriously younger than me, so you'd think I was going through a midlife crisis.

 

As good as it may feel now is not really the time for you to be involved with anyone. Plus it's not fair to the young lady being the rebound girl.

[mum2three]

Missed you there for a while. My 2 cents on level of involvement with the children's activities... if it involves you having to pay or make arrangements for transportation etc then it is important. If she is calling just to banter then no. No doubt that she has deeply hurt you Stampy but if children's activities require the both of you to be involved in the process then you should most defintely give your input. You don't want her giving you a schedule that is convenient for her but also think in the best interest of the kids. You can discuss in a "business like" manner instead of brainstorming together when you were M.

[AHIWON]

I'm sorry, I completely disagree with you on this. You need to be more involved with your kids and not let your W keep you from them. If you're not involved in their lives won't the court not see that so well on your end??? Your kids shouldn't suffer because you have a hard time dealing with her- do not let them.

 

That is the most important thing left in this f'd up relationship. Spend time with your kids. Don't worry about her anymore. You and the kids. Nothing else. Be the best dad on the planet.

[Gunny376]

Missed you there for a while. My 2 cents on level of involvement with the children's activities... if it involves you having to pay or make arrangements for transportation etc then it is important. If she is calling just to banter then no. No doubt that she has deeply hurt you Stampy but if children's activities require the both of you to be involved in the process then you should most defintely give your input. You don't want her giving you a schedule that is convenient for her but also think in the best interest of the kids. You can discuss in a "business like" manner instead of brainstorming together when you were M.

 

Got to go with M2T on this one.

 

Just don't let the STBXW stray out of boundires. You set and determine the bounderies!

[Stampy]

wow. Well thats a flurry of responses. Just to be clear again, I have my kids half time and that is actually working very well.

 

As to the D proceedings, they are still very early on, but thus far we are doing everything by consent.

 

You guys, starting with Mz Pixie, are of course correct. I will have to stay involved with the W regarding the kids. I just feel like I need some total NC time.

 

The example was my daughter's ballet class is having a recital. It so happens that both the W and I will be out of town at that time. So I said, she doesnt go to the recital or my parents take her. The W isnt happy with either. I just told her that she needs to make the decision on this one. We dont need to talk at length about this. Its one or the other.

 

My W wants to talk about piano lessons. Because of the nature of the custody of our kids, we need to agree on what day of the week this happens on. I hate having to talk to her, but I guess we need to talk about this stuff.

 

Interesting points Sevenmack. To be honest, only two things have really caused me to totally move on, though Mum2three always said I was moving on quickly. The name change and the younger lady chasing me. Makes moving on the only option. Prior to the name change, I had always assumed that the W would "snap out of it" and come calling.

 

But I was having lunch with a friend yesterday and he said two interesting things. 1. Things like this do always happen for a reason. Through the pain I've heard this before and its been hard to believe, but I now think its probably true.

 

2. Some people dont have what it takes to make it through the tough times. We were in the first year of our second kid. It was tough. But my friend pointed out that when you play sports, some guys on your team give up when you go down a goal or touchdown. You want to shake them and say "its only one goal! (or touchdown)" but they dont have the strength to keep playing or even pick their game up a notch. Thats what he sees in the W. Sorry for the sports analogy but it makes a lot of sense to me.

 

Mz. Pixie - come on...dont deny a man some pleasures. But as I said, I do look at potential relationships under a different light now and had hoped that now wouldnt be a rebound. But we shall see.

[Mz. Pixie]

Mz. Pixie - come on...dont deny a man some pleasures. But as I said, I do look at potential relationships under a different light now and had hoped that now wouldnt be a rebound. But we shall see.

 

 

It's not good for your recovery in the long run.

[mum2three]

Like I said, you have moved at a quicker pace. Ahhemm about the young lady. Does she think anything of your sitch or doesn't know?

[mum2three]

your kids now like my jerky a$$ H that took all three kids on a "date" to meet OW and her D9 last Saturday. I really think the kids are going thru enough transitions and that would not be good for their emotional security even if they were really young. Be careful!

[Mz. Pixie]

My children didn't mean my now husband until I knew it was going to lead to marriage. Divorce is hard enough on kids!

[Stampy]

Yes the young lady knows about the situation, but I doubt that she really appreciates it.

 

And yes, I have no intention of introducing any potential dates to the kids. A guy I worked with went through this and didnt introduce anyone to the kids. He is now engaged and only introduced this gal to the kids once it was serious and once his son (who was 6) expressed concern about his dad being lonely and not having anyone - my friend's W left him for another guy and those two are getting married, so the kids knew that much.

[Trimmer]

...but I sure as hell thought about going for sole custody. I wouldnt get it and it wouldnt be right for the kids.

Good for you for not using the kids as a weapon. You said earlier that you "consider her a great mother." It sounds like you recognize that the kids need the both of you in their lives.

 

Sup: Again, this crosses my mind, though there were no signs 20 months ago (when last child was conceived). The OM that caused my wife to leave is Sikh and my wife and I are as white as ghosts and so are the kids. OM's kids have lots of pigment. Still, it crosses my mind. If it werent for the inherited medical condition, I would have done the test already. Terrible to think that way, but realistic.

I considered that possibility with my kids too, although on reflection, I don't consider it likely at all... I decided that irrespective of the results, I have built a bond with my kids that I wouldn't want to change. I am their father, period.

 

I agree with you ~ and if it was me ~ I'd be more of a hard ass about it than you are.

 

No! I don't want to talk to you ~ I'm done talking! You want to talk? Talk to my lawyer.

 

No! I'm not your buddy, your pal, your friend ~ I'm your STBXH

 

No! We're not going to hang out, do things togther, have dinner together.

 

I think because kids are involved, you need to have some flexibility here. You are essentially dealing with two different characters: your (STBX?)wife, and the mother of your children. Yes, be a hardass with the wife character if you think the relationship is over and you don't want to talk about it or have her lean on your for support or loneliness relief, but you can't go NC with the mother of your children if you both expect to be fully present, supportive parents to the children that you have together.

 

Sometimes it will be a tightrope - if she wants to "keep communications open" so she can draw energy from you as a husband, then I'm with you: absolutely no way. If she left the marriage, then she can't come back and draw from it unless she comes back. But if she wants to keep communications open so you guys can maintain a healthy and supportive dialog about the kids (and eventually that should go beyond just allowing "emergency" communications) then I think you should give that some thought.

 

No! I'm not your buddy, your pal, your friend, but I am still the father of our children.

 

One of the best things I did early on was to tell my wife (who, like yours, left me, and had an OM in the picture) calmly, but very directly: from here on out, as far as I'm concerned, my wife doesn't exist any more. You are and will always be the mother of our children, and I will deal with you supportively in that capacity, but my wife is gone. It was simple and clear, and she teared up a little, but she acknowledged what I was saying, and she has never tried to "pull me back in" to the husband/wife dynamic. Now we deal with each other quite well as parents. I don't know if you have told it to her this clearly, or if you are just hoping she will "get it" through your behavior, but if you haven't been this clear about it, try laying it out like this.

 

And it may sound unbelievable to you, but in my universe (in answer to your "in what universe" question), the occasional Sunday dinner together with her and the kids is not out of the question, if convenience dictates, or on a kid's birthday, etc.... Again, it's a tightrope: you don't want to amplify the kids' false hope of you getting back together again (which they will harbor forever anyway...) but I do believe there's value in a relaxed atmosphere, and modeling for them that even if mom and dad have decided not to stay married, that they can still get along well enough to celebrate a birthday together. Then again, I'm a couple of years further down the road than you are, and I remember feeling the same way as you when I was back in the thick of things.

 

...about the WAS filing so that our kids will know that we did not want this. It's a stupid technicality but represents our stance on the sitch.

I feel very strongly that letting the kids know "whose fault it was" serves no useful purpose in their development. It may make you feel vindicated temporarily, but their healthy development comes first. Your needs and your healing process are vitally important, but this is one place you need to take one for the team. Tell it to your shrink instead.

 

...I understand how you feel about the friendship thing too. I think it's bogus even though everyone will tell you that "if anything for the sake of the kids blah blah blah...." That's full of s**t for me right now. Friends don't do you in like this to the bitter end. Maybe i'll feel different years down the road but i have nothing to lend to this kind of R without getting hurt again.

To reiterate some of the above, I believe you can be supportive co-parents and be in the same room, and have a pleasant conversation about how the kids are doing in school or whatever, without having to "be personal friends" one-on-one. Doing right by the kids doesn't mean you have to have an emotional "friendship" bond, but I believe you can - and should - do way better than NC.

 

Here's the brutal reality: your life will always be intertwined with this person, by the kids. It's hard and painful right now, but this is a transient time. Allow youself to discard the vision of this person as your spouse, but start to envision what will become - to your kids - an important working relationship with your co-parent. I can't really describe mine easily, but I am satisfied with it. We are not really friends, and certainly not spouses, but we can talk and chat amicably, eat at the same table, and I am still included in things with the in-laws - all revolving around our children. It's not friends, it's not buddies, it's not spouses. It's parents. And it's important.

 

I'm sorry, I completely disagree with you on this. You need to be more involved with your kids and not let your W keep you from them. If you're not involved in their lives won't the court not see that so well on your end??? Your kids shouldn't suffer because you have a hard time dealing with her- do not let them.

 

As good as it may feel now is not really the time for you to be involved with anyone. Plus it's not fair to the young lady being the rebound girl.

I already commented on the kid issues - I agree with Mz P here. Likewise, if she wants to call once a day to talk to them, you shouldn't stand in the way of that, just because you feel uncomfortable. As long as she's not using those calls to get under your skin, you can foster the kids' connections with her, not block them. "Oh, hello, I'll put little Lucy on the phone. Just a minute..." And your part of the conversation is over.

 

Also as far as the rebound relationship and being chased - yeah, it sure feels good, but I recommend making sure you are well on the path to healing and feeling like a whole person again before you get into that. I think you said one of the things that is making you feel better was being persued, desired... I totally understand that, but it sounds like you aren't even completely settled on your feelings about your marriage yet. Doesn't this sound like it may just confuse things?

 

This idea of "moving on" - I think it's something you have to commit to and work on personally and individually before you are ready to share yourself again in a healthy way. In other words, moving on (to me) doesn't mean moving on to the next relationship. It means moving on to the next stage of your life, getting your confidence back as an individual first so you are emotionally healthy and ready for what comes next.

 

Again, this is just me, and I am definitely somewhat shell-shocked after my own experience, but I am very cautious of the feeling that someone else would "complete me" or fill the empty space where something is missing. I want to be a whole person first, by myself, before I am ready to try again.

[Mz. Pixie]

Good for you for not using the kids as a weapon. You said earlier that you "consider her a great mother." It sounds like you recognize that the kids need the both of you in their lives.

 

 

I considered that possibility with my kids too, although on reflection, I don't consider it likely at all... I decided that irrespective of the results, I have built a bond with my kids that I wouldn't want to change. I am their father, period.

 

 

I think because kids are involved, you need to have some flexibility here. You are essentially dealing with two different characters: your (STBX?)wife, and the mother of your children. Yes, be a hardass with the wife character if you think the relationship is over and you don't want to talk about it or have her lean on your for support or loneliness relief, but you can't go NC with the mother of your children if you both expect to be fully present, supportive parents to the children that you have together.

 

Sometimes it will be a tightrope - if she wants to "keep communications open" so she can draw energy from you as a husband, then I'm with you: absolutely no way. If she left the marriage, then she can't come back and draw from it unless she comes back. But if she wants to keep communications open so you guys can maintain a healthy and supportive dialog about the kids (and eventually that should go beyond just allowing "emergency" communications) then I think you should give that some thought.

 

No! I'm not your buddy, your pal, your friend, but I am still the father of our children.

 

One of the best things I did early on was to tell my wife (who, like yours, left me, and had an OM in the picture) calmly, but very directly: from here on out, as far as I'm concerned, my wife doesn't exist any more. You are and will always be the mother of our children, and I will deal with you supportively in that capacity, but my wife is gone. It was simple and clear, and she teared up a little, but she acknowledged what I was saying, and she has never tried to "pull me back in" to the husband/wife dynamic. Now we deal with each other quite well as parents. I don't know if you have told it to her this clearly, or if you are just hoping she will "get it" through your behavior, but if you haven't been this clear about it, try laying it out like this.

 

And it may sound unbelievable to you, but in my universe (in answer to your "in what universe" question), the occasional Sunday dinner together with her and the kids is not out of the question, if convenience dictates, or on a kid's birthday, etc.... Again, it's a tightrope: you don't want to amplify the kids' false hope of you getting back together again (which they will harbor forever anyway...) but I do believe there's value in a relaxed atmosphere, and modeling for them that even if mom and dad have decided not to stay married, that they can still get along well enough to celebrate a birthday together. Then again, I'm a couple of years further down the road than you are, and I remember feeling the same way as you when I was back in the thick of things.

 

 

I feel very strongly that letting the kids know "whose fault it was" serves no useful purpose in their development. It may make you feel vindicated temporarily, but their healthy development comes first. Your needs and your healing process are vitally important, but this is one place you need to take one for the team. Tell it to your shrink instead.

 

 

To reiterate some of the above, I believe you can be supportive co-parents and be in the same room, and have a pleasant conversation about how the kids are doing in school or whatever, without having to "be personal friends" one-on-one. Doing right by the kids doesn't mean you have to have an emotional "friendship" bond, but I believe you can - and should - do way better than NC.

 

Here's the brutal reality: your life will always be intertwined with this person, by the kids. It's hard and painful right now, but this is a transient time. Allow youself to discard the vision of this person as your spouse, but start to envision what will become - to your kids - an important working relationship with your co-parent. I can't really describe mine easily, but I am satisfied with it. We are not really friends, and certainly not spouses, but we can talk and chat amicably, eat at the same table, and I am still included in things with the in-laws - all revolving around our children. It's not friends, it's not buddies, it's not spouses. It's parents. And it's important.

 

 

I already commented on the kid issues - I agree with Mz P here. Likewise, if she wants to call once a day to talk to them, you shouldn't stand in the way of that, just because you feel uncomfortable. As long as she's not using those calls to get under your skin, you can foster the kids' connections with her, not block them. "Oh, hello, I'll put little Lucy on the phone. Just a minute..." And your part of the conversation is over.

 

Also as far as the rebound relationship and being chased - yeah, it sure feels good, but I recommend making sure you are well on the path to healing and feeling like a whole person again before you get into that. I think you said one of the things that is making you feel better was being persued, desired... I totally understand that, but it sounds like you aren't even completely settled on your feelings about your marriage yet. Doesn't this sound like it may just confuse things?

 

This idea of "moving on" - I think it's something you have to commit to and work on personally and individually before you are ready to share yourself again in a healthy way. In other words, moving on (to me) doesn't mean moving on to the next relationship. It means moving on to the next stage of your life, getting your confidence back as an individual first so you are emotionally healthy and ready for what comes next.

 

Again, this is just me, and I am definitely somewhat shell-shocked after my own experience, but I am very cautious of the feeling that someone else would "complete me" or fill the empty space where something is missing. I want to be a whole person first, by myself, before I am ready to try again.

 

Great Post Trimmer! We sure have missed you around here- I hope you come back more often and offer your advice to some of the men going through the same thing you went through.

[ilmw]

This idea of "moving on" - I think it's something you have to commit to and work on personally and individually before you are ready to share yourself again in a healthy way. In other words, moving on (to me) doesn't mean moving on to the next relationship. It means moving on to the next stage of your life, getting your confidence back as an individual first so you are emotionally healthy and ready for what comes next.

 

Again, this is just me, and I am definitely somewhat shell-shocked after my own experience, but I am very cautious of the feeling that someone else would "complete me" or fill the empty space where something is missing. I want to be a whole person first, by myself, before I am ready to try again.

 

Excellent post Trimmer. I particularly thought the above was great...and relevant... to all those ... who are thinking on moving on... makes you think if you are truly ready to do so....

[Stampy]

well, thats a load of good stuff Trimmer. I appreciate it.

 

Thoughts in response:

 

1. I am, in part because of advice received on this board, in reasonably regular communication about the kids with the STBXW - probably twice a week. Certainly not as much as she would like but enough to discuss important issues. The wife would prefer that we meet face to face to discuss these things but I have indicated that email is my preferred method. I can "handle" the email far better.

 

2. The STBXW still complains to me that I've never let her talk to her about her feelings etc. etc.. I posted about that a bit ago. I'm not convinced that she wants to do anything other than tell me things to make herself feel better - she has intimated this. I'm not interested.

 

3. As to the young lady, you are probably right, though like most men I know, I have always considered myself a stud, even while married. Once the STBXW changed her name, it was such a huge kick in the nuts that I couldnt believe it. But once about a week passed, I accepted this as a signal that we are truly done. So weeks later, I feel that I've moved on. You've probably experienced similar feelings, but when I get an email from the STBXW its a different feeling now then it used to be. I acknowledge that two years from now, I'll probably look back and say that as of now, I hadnt fully moved on, but it feels okay now. Time will tell. I scheduled a weekend vacation with the young lady in a different city for July.

 

4. I take your point on whose "fault" it was. Most kids I know from divorced families, including the STBXW, totally focus on this and figure out what went on. I dont want to ever lie to my kids of course, but will probably avoid the topic. I take your point.

 

5. I just cannot imagine ever having sunday dinner with the STBXW, nor if I get re-married ever, having the new W be comfortable with that. But I have told the STBXW that my goal is to be able to be comfortable sitting in the same room as her, on b-days and for school concerts etc. etc.. It really is hard to imagine now though.

 

Anyhow, keep up the posts, its so valuable to hear from someone who went through this (which is practically everyone on the board). I would note that everyone thinks my flirtation with the young lady is a bad idea. Time will probably prove everyone correct, but I shall explore it nonetheless. I have my STBXW covering the kids at that time, so I can just go try a relationship. Who knows, between now and then the young lady may decide to focus her attention in a different direction or get freaked out that I'm divorced with two kids.

 

Though I must say that a friend of mine recently read in a magazine that being single with kids is now "in". Who knew that we were all ahead of the curve on that one!

[ilmw]

 

Though I must say that a friend of mine recently read in a magazine that being single with kids is now "in". Who knew that we were all ahead of the curve on that one!

 

It is also said that society is *ucked up... and going to hell in a hand basket..........

 

Sounds like you are coping pretty good... keep it up. As for the lady friend... take it slow... real slow... not for her... but for you...

 

If this is something you want... make sure you are truly ready...

 

It took me 2 years after my last LTR to be ready to seriously date... when I finally knew I had no immediate hang ups.. We are all different... but from what I have heard on here... and read else where.. that seems to be an average time to heal... and get you back to somewhere you want to be... (case in point) Dgiirl...

 

Take care bud

ilmw

[Salicious Crumb]

Within a few days she was denying that she left me because of this other guy. Really, it was something she had been thinking about for some time, because I'm a prick (not precisely her words) and the OG was just the final straw. I told her b.s. but she has stuck to her guns. My thinking is that her friends weren't so excited when she told them that "she found somebody else" (actual quote).

 

Well you couldn't have been too much of a prick if you didn't mind her going to Vegas without you. Yes you went places because of Rugby...she went to Vegas because what happens in Vegas is suppose to stay there.

 

We continue to email a bit and text a bit. She sends me a long email listing 16 things that I've done that caused her to leave. This is from 10 years of being together. Most were arguments. One was while drunk 18 months previously, I didnt want her to leave a party. One was that I got ticked off when she spilled paint all over our front step. Please believe me, these sorts of things were minor (to me) and I forgot about them right away.

 

Of course they are...couples have arguments and they are silly most of the time. But of course she was putting all the blame on you and trying to justify her actions with this other guy.

 

Anyhow, fast forward. She takes possession of her new place Jan 12. Our son turned one Jan 18. My wife starts leaving me notes everywhere on how I should feed the kids, how I should bleach the sink etc. etc.. I tell her to keep her notes to herself. Her control-freakedness left with the rest of her.

 

Good for you. She has no business telling you what to do. She didn't want you and has nothing to say about how you run your house.

 

She tells me that she intends for us to see each other regularly, still take the kids to the zoo together and for her to keep a close relationship with my family. Basically a sort of marriage without the relationship (thats how I see it anyways).

 

there is absolutely no point in that at all. Either she wants you or she doesn't....she shouldn't get to play house with you, and spread her legs for the other guy. You are apart, and unless you somehow reconcile(god help you if you do), then it should stay that way.

 

I say no, you've left me and we won't see each other face to face more than twice a year. (at the kids' concerts) I told her we should only talk in time of emergency with the kids.

 

BOOM SHAKALAKA!! Thats it! You are completely justified in telling her that.

 

I have insisted that we go as much as 4-5 days with no communication at all - based on a friend's advice of "if you love something set it free".

 

No..more to the point....she wanted another man and not you...so why should she get to keep you open as a possibility? Don't give her that option.

 

We had gone to a parenting counsellor and set up our custody arrangements - last week my kids started figuring out whats going on and are now upset. My daughter wants me to marry mommy and please live with mommy (asked many times).

 

I know man...its hard. Your wife obviously didn't care enough about them to keep from leaving you for another man....and now you have to hear this heartbreak from your own children. I know man...I feel for you.

 

 

Your daughter actually told her she wants you to shoot her?? hmm..something isn't right here.

 

Anyhow, now I am trying to get on with life. The OGs wife calls once in a while to talk. I talked to her twice, but she was mostly interested in figuring out what went on and when. I am not, and didn't enjoy the conversation. I feel that I am looking forward and she back, so I haven't returned her last 3 calls.

 

I know you don't enjoy talking about your bit....uh..sorry...wife, but understand the need for the OGs wife to get answers...she is hurting.

 

Anyhow, am I doing the right thing? Its been 2 months. Should I be looking for a new lady?

 

Hell yes!!! you are doing the right thing and need to move on. You only need a new lady if you are ready ...or you could just decide for it to be just you for a while.

 

 

Should I wait for my wife in case she decides to clear her head and come back?

 

HELL NO!!!!

 

Should I take her back if she does?

 

HELL NO!!!.....but on the chance that you somehow do take her back...there needs to be some ground rules set by you and expected behavior on her part....such as...acting like a wife and not giving it up to other men. And I would think things like Vegas without you would be out of the question from here on out. And no...its not controlling. She has proven herself untrustworthy...if she doesn't like your ground rules...then she can just go find someone else to treat like shi!t.

 

[qutoe]A major fear is that I could wait months and months and she may never come back. She's definately worth waiting for, but I'm 35 and also worry that I should get on with my life.

 

Shes worth waiting for??? She cheated on you and left you for this other guy...I don't give a rats ass what she said the reason was. She is playing you and trying to make you think this is all your fault so you actually do think the way you do....so that you actually do think she is "worth waiting for"...and diverting the attention off the real problem...that she left you so she could spread her legs for another man.

 

I suggested to my wife that if there was any chance that we would get back together I would approach ongoing child care and seeing her in the flesh very differently, to which I received no response.

 

That is your answer right there, as if you really needed one in the first place.

 

Dude...you are free from her...run like hell! I know you think you love her..and you still might...but she is no good for you...you are apart...keep it that way.

 

And good luck.....find another lady..one that will respect you and treat you right.

[Salicious Crumb]

Should mention that the wife thought the trip to San Diego was just fine even though the OM was there, and I was home with the kids. As stated, I remained silent.

 

Thats because she played you for a fool and thinks you are stupid.

 

But you are no fool. You're just a good man who got walked all over.

 

I don't know of many men who would put up with staying home with the kids while his wife goes on trips for no other reason than just to go. I was one of those guys...but not anymore. You, like me, thought you were doing a good thing and being a good husband. And look where it got you.

Not saying you should be a hardass, but just keep your guard up from now on.

 

And she has already left...so do yourself a favor...keep it that way. You deserve better.

[mum2three]

I certainly understand logically how it is the best scenario for both parents to be cordial and to have those occassional dinners for the sake of the kids. I know that is what I hope for in the future. I am just too hurt to act like nothing ever happened. I think if I was completely detached and moved on then I would probably not think twice about seeing H at some functions. I know Stampy Stud Muffin dude... You found yourself a young gal and are moving on with your life. But you are still very hurt by what your W did and I understand why you want it to be all business right now.

 

Also, I did mention that it is a technicality but I did not want to be the one to file if I did not support the D. This is important to me b/c I don't want my children to think otherwise. I know my H's family talk badly about me to other people and my kids. I will make sure I have all the evidence so in the future when there are questions, I think they should know the truth. Yes, I believe we can explain it in the most pleasant and appropriate manner so the kids are not hurt. But when you know that h's side has already started brainwashing the kids, i don;t want them to hate me b/c of what they are telling them. The truth is important and should be preserved for the right moment.

 

I do appreciate your insight Trimmer and your personal experience does give us hope that everything will be better and the anger and bitterness can fade away.

[mental_traveller]

I can't speak from personal experience, and you should probably listen more to people who have been through a similar situation, but it does appear she treated you very shabbily.

 

16 problems over a 10 year marriage, which are moderate at best (arguments over spilling paint, argument at a party - 1.6 per year!), that's not a disaster. Women tend to remember rows & disagreements much more than men, so you should bear that in mind - you may have forgotten but she didn't, and you forgetting might have made her think you were insensitive, but even so, that's a bit over the top of her to react that way. Were any of the problems more signficant? Any disagreements over career, finances, other women, the kids?

 

To be honest it looks like she has become emotionally unstable as a result of these stresses and tragedies she has experienced. But there must have been some underlying problem for her to react negatively instead of turning to you for support.

 

I think you did the right thing in calling her bluff and asking her to move out. Also the right thing in restricting contact. I would stop the texting too. And I think it was a mistake to stay on the same street, although you seem to be handling that ok.

 

The key question here is do you, deep down, really love her unreservedly? Or do you feel the way she treated you is sufficiently bad that it damaged your feelings irreperably. I have to confess, if it was me, I don't care how the kids take it, I would be divorcing her and never speaking to her again. IMO she had the option to communicate her concerns to you all these years, she rebuffed you and then had an affair at work (with a married man, no less). For me that would be unforgiveable. *Everyone* eventually loses friends & loved ones, do you think they all run off with the first guy who wants to get into their pants? This is no excuse for her having an affair and treating her husband and marriage vows like a turd she just stepped on. In a real marriage, both husband and wife support each other in times of crisis, they don't run off with someone else. What you went through is the result of someone who doesn't have the first clue what marriage means, who is self-centered, selfish, unreliable, and grossly inconsiderate of your feelings.

 

You must be hurting, but in your post you come across as someone who is heading 80% in the right direction, which is about as well as can be expected given the circumstances. I think you are right to focus on the future and move on. Yeah, your kids won't like a divorce, but kids are resilient, much more than parents think. Chances are they will handle it better than you or your wife. 1 year for a kid is an eternity, and they will develop and move on, adjusting to the new situation.

 

Think about what may happen if you try to reconcile. Your wife took her marriage vows, then shat all over them and had an affair with a seedy, unfaithful married co-worker. She doesn't understand the obligations of being married and having kids, she is a bad mother and did not give two figs about their needs while she was drooling over this guy. If she was unreliable over a marriage, what makes you think she will take reconciliation any more seriously? It is only because of pressure from her friends that she has moderated a bit. Consider her mother too, this sort of behaviour tends to run in families. Really, I think if you try to reconcile, there is a good chance that she'll make an effort at first, enough to sucker you in, but then 1-2 years later it will be the same story again. Don't let her play you for a fool, actions speak louder than words and her actions are screaming at you to run as fast as you can out of this relationship.

 

My instinct here would be to just get the hell out of dodge. Get a good attorney and file for divorce. Cut her out of your life completely, and speak to those of her friends & family that you are acquainted with, explaining the situation so that they understand your side of the story. Tell your family the whole truth, and IMO it would be a good idea if you ask them not to speak to her, to prevent her trying to manipulate them against you. Sit your kids down and explain as best you can. Then, clear your head, go total no contact, change your mobile phone & home phone numbers, and get on with life. You are only 35, you sound like you are in a reasonable situation otherwise, you'd have lots to offer to any sane woman. Just look at all the threads on here moaning about the lack of good men - you acted pretty good and most women would be very appreciative of having the type of marriage that your wife abused and walked away from. So, move on, tie up the loose ends, and get back to enjoying life. Don't let this woman cause you any more pain than she already has.