Controlling Relationships..

[Moose]

Serial Muse,

 

Thanks for calmly laying it out......sorry for my frustration......

 

justamom,

 

Like I said above, I'm frustrated because your Thread Title is about, "Controlling Relationships"......usually when I hear or read these two words, I automatically place the person who feels, "controlled", as the one to blame.

 

Call it intuition, call it experience..... One thing I can tell you is that 9 times out of 10 this winds up being true.

 

I think instead of you focusing on what you want to do as an individual, remind yourself that you have obligations to your husband as you two should be one.....

[justamom]

Ahhh. Where to begin.

 

 

First and foremost, I never tried to blame cheating on him. Nor did I try to justify it. I've asked him many times about how he feels and what he would like me to change to make things work. He has told me repeatedly nothing, with the exception of the cheating. If I didn't care about my H's feelings, I wouldn't have told him and probably would have just left. It was his decision to stay. I would have understood if he left.

 

"And come on..you can tell us....why is it you just have to go out drinking and coming home late?.....not enough hot guys at home?"

- I think I already explained this -

 

Next, I don't really consider going out once a year "going out and bar hopping all of the time"

 

The only reason I even had a problem is that there was mistrust LONG before I did the horrible thing that I did. Now, he just has an excuse for it. A justified one, yes.

 

We have a lot of issues that need to be worked out by BOTH of us. I've never told him he couldn't do things or made him feel bad b/c he wasn't spending his every waking moment with me. And I never will. If he cheats on me, well, then we'll see what happens then. Maybe I would leave, maybe I wouldn't. But, I will never be his mommy and tell him what he can and can't do.

 

You probably all think I'm a megabitch. And that's fine. I just came here for an outside point of view.

 

I'm just a little aggravated that everyone is looking at the now and not at the fact that everything is exactly the same as it was before. It's always been this way.

 

I agree that MC is the best bet for this relationship to last. I, according to all the posters here, must work on keeping myself at my husband's side at all costs. And he needs to work on trusting me (not again, b/c he never did). If ever the thought of going out with the girls crosses my mind again, I'll file for divorce immediately.

[Salicious Crumb]

I agree that MC is the best bet for this relationship to last. I, according to all the posters here, must work on keeping myself at my husband's side at all costs. And he needs to work on trusting me (not again, b/c he never did).

 

And he had good reason. Going to bars/clubs and drinking with the "girls", or if you are a man, with the "guys"...is just setting the stage.

 

Then you cheated and confirmed to him what he already knew about you.

 

If ever the thought of going out with the girls crosses my mind again, I'll file for divorce immediately.

 

Glad to hear it.

[serial muse]

Ahhh. Where to begin.

 

 

First and foremost, I never tried to blame cheating on him. Nor did I try to justify it. I've asked him many times about how he feels and what he would like me to change to make things work. He has told me repeatedly nothing, with the exception of the cheating. If I didn't care about my H's feelings, I wouldn't have told him and probably would have just left. It was his decision to stay. I would have understood if he left.

 

"And come on..you can tell us....why is it you just have to go out drinking and coming home late?.....not enough hot guys at home?"

- I think I already explained this -

 

Next, I don't really consider going out once a year "going out and bar hopping all of the time"

 

The only reason I even had a problem is that there was mistrust LONG before I did the horrible thing that I did. Now, he just has an excuse for it. A justified one, yes.

 

We have a lot of issues that need to be worked out by BOTH of us. I've never told him he couldn't do things or made him feel bad b/c he wasn't spending his every waking moment with me. And I never will. If he cheats on me, well, then we'll see what happens then. Maybe I would leave, maybe I wouldn't. But, I will never be his mommy and tell him what he can and can't do.

 

You probably all think I'm a megabitch. And that's fine. I just came here for an outside point of view.

 

I'm just a little aggravated that everyone is looking at the now and not at the fact that everything is exactly the same as it was before. It's always been this way.

 

I agree that MC is the best bet for this relationship to last. I, according to all the posters here, must work on keeping myself at my husband's side at all costs. And he needs to work on trusting me (not again, b/c he never did). If ever the thought of going out with the girls crosses my mind again, I'll file for divorce immediately.

 

 

Okay, whoa - not all the posters here are saying that you should stay by his side. I, for one, am not saying it. As for his lack of trust in you - from what you've described, he may well have been controlling and jealous without provocation prior to your cheating, and that's frustrating. But there is also often a subtle give-and-take between partners that is hard for posters on an anonymous forum to suss out. His behavior may have been the result of his own fears and issues, or may have been related to how he responded to you (i.e. he felt threatened for reasons that would seem innocuous to you or others), but the problem is that he never learned to deal with it, and then you unfortunately acted out in response to his bad behavior in a way that only exacerbated the problem.

 

So what I am saying is that you did indulge in behavior that's not okay, and even though he may have been controlling before, the reality now, if you wish to go forward with him, is that you've broken trust and have to accept your share in that.

 

Your husband isn't on here posting, so of course you'll get the brunt of the advice. But that doesn't mean you don't both share responsibility. I think you should read up a bit on controlling/victim relationships - contrary to expectation, perhaps, both partners engage in controlling behaviors and in victim behaviors, and both behavior patterns are destructive. Such acting out, as you are doing now, is a typical stage in such relationships, where one partner has felt powerless for a long time but is starting to develop anger in response. Although the "victim's" recognition of, and anger at, the previous imbalance of power can be a positive thing, and a step toward moving away from that, it is also a dangerous stage, because it is here that the victim can not only begin to play the controller, but also to feel particularly justified in doing so. And that's still very unhealthy.

 

From what you've described, you and your husband are now exchanging those roles at times - he may have started out being the primary controller and you initially assumed the role of the victim, but now it seems there's an unhealthy back-and-forth that's developed. That's a communication problem, and it's something you two need to work on together, in MC.

[justamom]

Muse, my apologies. I wasn't actually talking about you, just everyone else. It's only slightly frustrating to immediately get attacked, by citing your side of the story.

 

I appreciate your constructive criticism and giving me your points without being rude and judging.

 

To the rest of you(salicious & moose), if you are just going to attack me, just don't bother to respond.

 

Good day.

[jmargel]

When my W & I disagree about something, she will accuse me of not hearing here, even though I hear every word she says and can repeat it back to her. If I don't go along with her, the fight shifts from whatever it was we were talking about to whether or not I listen to her.

 

I don't know if this is deliberate manipulation, a techique learned from her mother, if she think's she's so brilliant that any disagreement can only be due to a failure to listen, or if she really has a mental bug that confuses disagreement with not hearing.

 

It's because she feels that she is not UNDERSTOOD, which is a huge difference from just hearing and repeating back what she says. Becareful here, she is giving you some warning signs. You two have communication issues. Check out my link in my signature if you want to know more..

[jmargel]

JAM,

 

The reason why he is upset about you going out is because it was that situation/envirnoment that you were in before that led to the flirtation/kissing.

 

It's perfectly logical to think that if you were put in this situation again there is a CHANCE no matter how small it is, that it could happen again.

 

He is looking out for his own marriage because he loves you. He might not come across as the most effective way, communication wise but IMO he has every right to be upset. You took his trust and misused it.

 

I would highly suggest marriage counseling for both of you. As long as you look at him as the dictator you will continue to say/do destructive things to this relationship. You two need how to compromise, trust and communicate more effectively.

[Salicious Crumb]

Muse, my apologies. I wasn't actually talking about you, just everyone else. It's only slightly frustrating to immediately get attacked, by citing your side of the story.

 

I appreciate your constructive criticism and giving me your points without being rude and judging.

 

To the rest of you(salicious & moose), if you are just going to attack me, just don't bother to respond.

 

Good day.

 

You are complaining about a so-called "controlling" husband when obviously you have given him a reason to not trust you.

 

You want people in here to tell you what you want to hear. You want people here to tell you that you are right...you want assurance that you are in the right.

 

Well sorry, you are not and I am not going to say that you are.

 

and I will post what I like. If you don't like the truth....tough.

[Salicious Crumb]

JAM,

 

The reason why he is upset about you going out is because it was that situation/envirnoment that you were in before that led to the flirtation/kissing.

 

It's perfectly logical to think that if you were put in this situation again there is a CHANCE no matter how small it is, that it could happen again.

 

EXACTLY!! She just doesn't get it..much less care about her husband's feelings about her partying.

[justamom]

JAM,

 

The reason why he is upset about you going out is because it was that situation/envirnoment that you were in before that led to the flirtation/kissing.

 

It's perfectly logical to think that if you were put in this situation again there is a CHANCE no matter how small it is, that it could happen again.

 

He is looking out for his own marriage because he loves you. He might not come across as the most effective way, communication wise but IMO he has every right to be upset. You took his trust and misused it.

 

I would highly suggest marriage counseling for both of you. As long as you look at him as the dictator you will continue to say/do destructive things to this relationship. You two need how to compromise, trust and communicate more effectively.

 

 

I know why he is upset NOW. My point was, there was never trust there to begin with. He has been this way since the beginning of the relationship. BEFORE he had any reason not to trust me.

 

You can't just be in a relationship with someone thinking the whole time you *know* they are going to do something. Regardless of whether or not they prove you right. That is unhealthy.

[justamom]

You are complaining about a so-called "controlling" husband when obviously you have given him a reason to not trust you.

 

You want people in here to tell you what you want to hear. You want people here to tell you that you are right...you want assurance that you are in the right.

 

Well sorry, you are not and I am not going to say that you are.

 

and I will post what I like. If you don't like the truth....tough.

 

 

I don't want people to tell me "what I want to hear" I want people's opinions in a constructive, not destructive manner. (i.e. muse's post)

[Guest]

Well, let me give you a little scenario and you tell me if you think I should consider it controlling.

 

Since my husband and I have been together (4 years) I've been *out (like, going out drinking/hanging out with friends) without him maybe 3 times. Any time I want to do something with out him he throws this huge guilt trip on me and talks about how he doesn't want to go out and do things without me, so why do I want to hang out without him? He tells me this is a sacrifice that he makes. note: I tell him he can go out with his friends whenever he wants. Not to mention that the night I was going out, he was at work and couldn't go anyway.

 

We got into a huge fight this past week b/c I went out with a girlfriend that I went to school with. He made me so mad with the interrogation that I decided I would come home when I damn well please. I ended up drinking a little too much and hanging out at a friends place until I was sober enough to drive home (which was around 3am). When I got home we had a huge fight about this. It's always been like that. He tries to make me feel bad for wanting to do things.

 

This is one situation.

 

So what do you think?

 

You see his issue is not with you going out it is that you will probley cheat. or he thinks that. I am not saying you will, What I am saying is he belives in his mind that if you are out having a good time he is in compition with other men and thus plays a huge roll on his man hood and him thinking he will loose you when he is actualy pushing you away with his controling. in his mind you will be hit on by other men and feel good about yourself and he is afraid of you leaving him or that you could find better.

 

IT IS A CONTROL THING. but nothing comes good of drinking without the other partner. why cause it eventualy leads to discrution of the relationship. why because one or the other so's will have a burden of dispair because they will feel like they are in compition of the other people that is surrounding you. hope that last statement made a litte sense.

[Moose]

To the rest of you(salicious & moose), if you are just going to attack me, just don't bother to respond.

 

Good day.

Who are you? FEZ? "I say Good Day!!"

 

The truth hurts JAM. It's not an attack. You came her expecting to get people on your side, rub your back and tell you that you're in the right, and your husband is being a jerk.

 

Sorry.....but I don't think so.

 

If your husband has always been this way, there is something causing this, and it is your reasonable duty to try and find out how to fix it, get to the root of it.....

 

If you don't think it is your job, then you have no place in this marriage.

[jmargel]

I know why he is upset NOW. My point was, there was never trust there to begin with. He has been this way since the beginning of the relationship. BEFORE he had any reason not to trust me.

 

You can't just be in a relationship with someone thinking the whole time you *know* they are going to do something. Regardless of whether or not they prove you right. That is unhealthy.

 

I agree and understand that. You can't be in a relationship with the notion that in some point in time they are going to cheat or do you wrong. However what you did just confirmed what he was thinking all along.

 

Could be that he has been cheated on in the past before you, or just low-self esteem that prepares him to be cheated on. That 'was' his problem but now is yours since not only have you married this guy, but on top of that you confirmed his predictions by kissing the other man.

 

He is insecure as an individual to start with. That is not necessarily a personality flaw, it's just something he has learned through his past experiences. However by you doing what you did (and still do) you are increasing his insecurity.

 

Right now I would highly suggest marriage counseling, so that you two can come to terms with these problems. A counselor won't tell you to stay together or to split, but will allow you to see the situation in an angle that you can understand better.

 

Right now you have to work with him, since you did the initial damge. Granted he can't go into a relationship thinking the worst but you can't be unfaithful, demanding and justifying your behavior because of his thinking. If you two continue this path you will end in divorce. Now is the time to tend to these problems with a counselor.

[justamom]

Who are you? FEZ? "I say Good Day!!"

 

The truth hurts JAM. It's not an attack. You came her expecting to get people on your side, rub your back and tell you that you're in the right, and your husband is being a jerk.

 

Sorry.....but I don't think so.

 

If your husband has always been this way, there is something causing this, and it is your reasonable duty to try and find out how to fix it, get to the root of it.....

 

If you don't think it is your job, then you have no place in this marriage.

 

The fact of the matter, is that we are both being jerks. It's a back and forth situation. I realize that I must take part in fixing the problem, but I can't do it by myself.

 

I wanted to know if what I feel is controlling, is or not. Taking away the kiss factor and giving that I had never given him any reason prior to distrust me (believe it or not, I hadn't). You seem to feel that ALL this time, he has had every reason to try and keep reigns on me, when I hardly did anything without him to begin with.

 

I love my husband very much and deeply regret what happened. I never lied to him or kept what happened a secret. I told him immediately and he then had the option to stay or go. If the rest of our lives will be spent with him constantly worried and me never allowed to do things, then I'd rather not be married, b/c neither one of us will be happy. If this one doesn't last, I highly doubt I would get married again.

 

People make mistakes and sometimes they even show remorse. I've ASKED my husband if he's okay with me doing things and he always says "sure, I don't care" then proceeds with the guilt trip. If he is uncomfortable with me doing things (at this present time) I would rather he just tell me and then, I would get it. The games have to stop and that's something we have to work out together.

 

GOOD DAY.

[whichwayisup]

I agree that MC is the best bet for this relationship to last. I, according to all the posters here, must work on keeping myself at my husband's side at all costs. And he needs to work on trusting me (not again, b/c he never did). If ever the thought of going out with the girls crosses my mind again, I'll file for divorce immediately.

 

But what are YOU doing to regain or get his trust? You say he had trust issues before you even cheated, why? Has he told you why? Had he been cheated on before? Is it something from his past, growing up or something?

 

I say, be an open book and also head to marriage counselling. He has his own issues, so one on one therapy will do him good too.

 

I know why he is upset NOW. My point was, there was never trust there to begin with. He has been this way since the beginning of the relationship. BEFORE he had any reason not to trust me.

 

You can't just be in a relationship with someone thinking the whole time you *know* they are going to do something. Regardless of whether or not they prove you right. That is unhealthy.

 

Well, the situation now matters more than before - You did cheat and now you have to do all that you can to gain his respect, love and faith in you.

 

Marriage counselling!!!! And if he doesn't want to go, then tell him how you feel - And how the marriage is gonna be if you two DO NOT get help. Life is going to be harder, miserable for BOTH of you if MC isn't involved.

 

The fact of the matter, is that we are both being jerks. It's a back and forth situation. I realize that I must take part in fixing the problem, but I can't do it by myself.

 

I wanted to know if what I feel is controlling, is or not. Taking away the kiss factor and giving that I had never given him any reason prior to distrust me (believe it or not, I hadn't). You seem to feel that ALL this time, he has had every reason to try and keep reigns on me, when I hardly did anything without him to begin with.

 

I love my husband very much and deeply regret what happened. I never lied to him or kept what happened a secret. I told him immediately and he then had the option to stay or go. If the rest of our lives will be spent with him constantly worried and me never allowed to do things, then I'd rather not be married, b/c neither one of us will be happy. If this one doesn't last, I highly doubt I would get married again.

 

People make mistakes and sometimes they even show remorse. I've ASKED my husband if he's okay with me doing things and he always says "sure, I don't care" then proceeds with the guilt trip. If he is uncomfortable with me doing things (at this present time) I would rather he just tell me and then, I would get it. The games have to stop and that's something we have to work out together.

 

GOOD DAY.

 

It's healthy for couples to have their own space, and to do things without their spouse. Go out with friends, or whatever...There has to be a healthy balance, a spouse cannot meet EVERY need, a spouse can't be the only one to entertain you, keep you happy.

 

Is it possible that HE is doing something wrong? Not saying he's having an affair, but you say he was acting up before you kissed the other guy.

[Salicious Crumb]

The fact of the matter, is that we are both being jerks. It's a back and forth situation. I realize that I must take part in fixing the problem, but I can't do it by myself.

 

I wanted to know if what I feel is controlling, is or not. Taking away the kiss factor and giving that I had never given him any reason prior to distrust me (believe it or not, I hadn't).

 

Going out drinking with "the girls" is reason enough. And obviously he was right to feel that way before you kissed another guy, because you ended up doing it.

 

 

I love my husband very much and deeply regret what happened. I never lied to him or kept what happened a secret. I told him immediately and he then had the option to stay or go. If the rest of our lives will be spent with him constantly worried and me never allowed to do things, then I'd rather not be married, b/c neither one of us will be happy.

Then maybe there is your answer right there.

 

 

People make mistakes

Cheating is NOT a mistake.

 

 

and sometimes they even show remorse. I've ASKED my husband if he's okay with me doing things and he always says "sure, I don't care" then proceeds with the guilt trip. If he is uncomfortable with me doing things (at this present time) I would rather he just tell me and then, I would get it. The games have to stop and that's something we have to work out together.

 

GOOD DAY.

Ok then let me ask you a question. You already know he feels uncomfortable with you going out and drinking with "the girls". Obviously he doesn't have any reigns on you because you do it anyway.

 

So the question is...since you know he doesn't like it and you have proven that you can't handle the situation, why would you do anything that your husband is uncomfortable with? He had a reason to not like you going out drinking and you proved him right.

 

Is drinking with your friends and putting yourself in an ample atmosphere that is condusive to cheating more important than your marriage?

[Ladyjane14]

You want to know if your husband's behavior is "controlling"?

 

Well, yes.. in some ways it is. But I think the more important question is WHY he's behaving that way. Once you understand the underlying emotions beneath his behavior, you can take positive action in order to resolve the problem.

 

First off, you said something important here:

 

 

Lastly, I highly disagree with the idea that husband and wife should be attached at the hip. I don't think that either spouse should be out ALL the time without their partner. But, I think it's essential for people to spend time apart from one another.

 

Don't you think it's important for the two people in the relationship to have the SAME view regarding their expectations on the subject of individual behavior? It would appear to me, that your expectation is different from his.

 

This can certainly be negotiated, but it's not something that can be decided unilaterally by either partner with any degree of success. And that's kind of what you did, isn't it?

You set your 'autonomy' as a boundary, but the problem is... that he doesn't have to agree to abide by your boundary. When the ball is in his court, he can opt to enter into conflict over it, or even decide it's GAME OVER. You have no control over his reaction to this unilateral boundary you have set.

 

That's why it's important to keep your "boundaries" pared down to the bare minimum of deal-breakers. Is this really a "deal-breaker" for you? Now, bear in mind, what I'm talking about is unilateral decisions on individuality issues that are NOT going to be exposed to the negotiation process. When described like that, I kind of doubt that this is a deal-breaking issue.

 

Meanwhile, you two have stepped on each other's toes quite a bit on things that ARE big, important, emotional needs. You need your husband to engage in positive parenting. As a mother, the failure on his part to be a good role model to your child can quite easily become a "deal-breaker".

 

For his part, his "deal-breaker" is clearly infidelity, as witnessed by his anxiety that you might cheat while you're out with your girlfriends. And here you are... winding him up on his fears, rather than offering him reassurance.

 

When negotiating on the subject of 'girl's night out', there were ALOT of options available to you rather than the unilateral approach of boundary setting. If you had addressed his emotional needs in a positive way, you would have extinguished a fair amount of his anxiety.

 

You might have invited him along, or called him on the phone offering reassurance rather than argument. You might have kept the outing short, coming home early and SOBER. Rome wasn't built in a day, so it might have taken quite a few of these "outtings" before you built up trust with him, but over time... I think you could have opted to TEACH him to trust you. Instead, you escalated the problem.

 

People aren't perfect. In a perfect world your husband wouldn't have these anxieties and he'd be a natural at parenting. But when it's all said and done, none of us are perfect.

 

Bottom line... I think you can certainly resolve the problems, but you're gonna need to play it smarter than you have been.

[justamom]

Well, yes.. in some ways it is. But I think the more important question is WHY he's behaving that way. Once you understand the underlying emotions beneath his behavior, you can take positive action in order to resolve the problem.

 

I have a good idea of why it is, it's really a matter of how I can help him feel better about it and I obviously have not done that.

 

 

 

 

Don't you think it's important for the two people in the relationship to have the SAME view regarding their expectations on the subject of individual behavior? It would appear to me, that your expectation is different from his.

 

I do. The key will be working out the above mentioned issues.

 

 

This can certainly be negotiated, but it's not something that can be decided unilaterally by either partner with any degree of success. And that's kind of what you did, isn't it?

 

It is and I surely could have found a better way to go about it. For any amount of success in that respect, like you said, we are going to have to negotiate. I think I just got tired of feeling like I couldn't just do what I wanted without fear of being repremanded.

 

 

Meanwhile, you two have stepped on each other's toes quite a bit on things that ARE big, important, emotional needs. You need your husband to engage in positive parenting. As a mother, the failure on his part to be a good role model to your child can quite easily become a "deal-breaker".

 

This is another thing that he came to this relationship with already in hand that I did not know about. I want to help him work through these issues that seem very normal to him, but I will not accept.

 

For his part, his "deal-breaker" is clearly infidelity, as witnessed by his anxiety that you might cheat while you're out with your girlfriends. And here you are... winding him up on his fears, rather than offering him reassurance.

When negotiating on the subject of 'girl's night out', there were ALOT of options available to you rather than the unilateral approach of boundary setting. If you had addressed his emotional needs in a positive way, you would have extinguished a fair amount of his anxiety.

 

You are absolutely correct. Again, I felt my 'autonomy' was threatened and decided, very childishly, that I was going to "do what I wanted". There should have been more support of his fears on my part, instead, I was selfish.

 

 

 

 

You might have invited him along, or called him on the phone offering reassurance rather than argument. You might have kept the outing short, coming home early and SOBER.

 

This, I did do. I called him, not to argue, but to keep him up to date on where I was and who I was with. I would have invited him, but he works late on Friday nights.

 

 

Bottom line... I think you can certainly resolve the problems, but you're gonna need to play it smarter than you have been.

 

I agree. It's obvious that we both love each other, otherwise we would have split by now. I realize that this relationship isn't all about me, but after the years of feeling like it was all about him, I felt the need to start thinking about myself. In light of your post, I think I'm going about in the wrong way. Rather than negotiating and talking out the way I feel with him, I lash out and act like an angry teenager..and that's never going to work.

 

Not only is it immature, but it's hurtful to him and he gets the impression that I don't understand the way he feels. I do understand, b/c I've felt the same way for a while now, but rather than switching blame, we have to find more constructive -- productive ways to work out the issues that we have with one another.

 

The first thing being, sit down and really talk and listen to each other. If we can't seem to do it on our own, then we go to a MC.

 

LJ, Thank you for your post. I appreciate your feedback.

[serial muse]

JAM, I wanted to send you a PM, but I don't think your PM privileges are enabled yet (not enough posts yet).

 

I have a suggestion for a website for you that talks about controlling relationships and might help you see your relationship dynamic in a new way. I don't know if I can post the link on here, but you can get to it at the address below. There's lots of interesting stuff on there about the way that an abuser and a victim tend to think and act out and reinforce each others' behaviors. I hope it'll help shed some light on your own relationship and on ways you can work on it - good luck to you!

 

the site is:

drirene dot com

[Ladyjane14]

....I think I just got tired of feeling like I couldn't just do what I wanted without fear of being repremanded....

 

.... Rather than negotiating and talking out the way I feel with him, I lash out and act like an angry teenager.....

 

It's better to change this particular dynamic than to beat yourself up too badly about it. Spouses treating each other in an authoritarian way, in the manner that they would normally reserve for their children, are bound to run into trouble and no doubt about it. It's not good for either one of you to tolerate being cast in the role of "parent" or "child" to each other.

 

So, this is a really HUGE problem that's going to need to be addressed, and you were exactly right to recognize it as such.

 

I think you can handle this in a positive way though without giving up your sense of individuality. You sound like a smart lady. You've already identified a big chunk of the problem, so all you need to do now is lead with your logic rather than your emotions.

 

You know, I read it somewhere that there are really THREE entities in a marriage... two individuals and one couple. All three need to grow in order to be healthy. Your individuality is just as important as his, and BOTH are just as important in maintaining the "couple entity".

[serial muse]

It's better to change this particular dynamic than to beat yourself up too badly about it. Spouses treating each other in an authoritarian way, in the manner that they would normally reserve for their children, are bound to run into trouble and no doubt about it. It's not good for either one of you to tolerate being cast in the role of "parent" or "child" to each other.

 

So, this is a really HUGE problem that's going to need to be addressed, and you were exactly right to recognize it as such.

 

I think you can handle this in a positive way though without giving up your sense of individuality. You sound like a smart lady. You've already identified a big chunk of the problem, so all you need to do now is lead with your logic rather than your emotions.

 

You know, I read it somewhere that there are really THREE entities in a marriage... two individuals and one couple. All three need to grow in order to be healthy. Your individuality is just as important as his, and BOTH are just as important in maintaining the "couple entity".

 

 

OT

 

ladyjane, i just want to say that i always find your advice so soothing, as well as insightful. thanks for all the time and care you put into your posts.

 

/OT (sorry JAM )

[Ladyjane14]

ladyjane, i just want to say that i always find your advice so soothing, as well as insightful. thanks for all the time and care you put into your posts.

 

Thanks for saying that, hon. It makes me feel better about a couple of bad reactions I had a few days ago. I do sometimes end up getting carried away and being a bit more direct than my original intent.

[Ladyjane14]

I go out of my way to catch your posts too, Serial Muse. Good stuff.