Social life woes.

[Wiffles]

Hey everyone.

I don't know when I started feeling like this, but its such a horrible feeling and i'm desperate to get rid of it. My problem is my social life. Its such a hard thing to understand, and I hoping maybe you guys could help me understand it, and overcome my problem.

 

Well, I used to play computer games all the time, like playstation games and xbox games. But, this never seemed to affect me, because all my other friends used to play computer games as much as me. This carried on for many years, up until about 16. This of course lead me not to make many friends, about 5-7 people I could at least TALK to comfortably. But as my friends got older, they got tired of games, and they all stopped playing. They all have a decent social lifes now. So that left me, still playing games, and stuck at home all the time.

 

But one day, something clicked, I think I realised that I don't actually have many friends, hell none probably, most of them talk behind my back probably. On this day I suddenly got that feeling you get in your gut when something is wrong. So, I tried to be more social. I asked my 'friends' to include me at the weekends in what they did. I'd never felt so uncomfortable in my life, so I must of developed a high case of social anxiety in that time of gaming. But, knowing that I had to pursue being social to rid myself of the anixety, I did.

 

This normally meant just hanging around my local area, it wasn't amazing, but least I was out of the house. But then came the time when to make a big decision in my education. I left my old school to persue my career at a college dedicated to my subject. I decided that I would show a new me at this college. I did, and i've made some great friends. But only friends at college, I can never seem to get anything organised with them. Its either they are busy this weekend, so I organise it earlier, say for next week, and as soon as I remind them, they have new plans. So i practicly gave up on that side.

 

I was thinking about hanging out with my old friends, but I don't think I like the activties they do. Or do I? This is were the peer pressue kicks in I think. I get this feeling of that I should go to 'fit in' but theres a part of me that says "NO! DON'T GO!" So knowing never to give into peer pressure, I don't go. Hell, I don't even know if they would want to go with me even if I wanted to come. So, now I'm asking myself, what DO I WANT? My answer was: A girlfiend thats cute, lively, funny and committed, a small group of friends that always do stuff together and have great laughs, like going to restrauants, holidays, weekends away, trying new places out. Thats what I want, but how the hell do I get that? I have no idea, what-so-ever. Making close friends, hell even friends is so damn hard these days its unbelivable.

 

All I do now is say "you are 16, you've got your whole life inahead of you, stop worrying." It makes me feel good for a bit, but the depression slowly comes back. I'm hoping that when I go to universtiy and stay in the dorms, I'll have the most fun in my life, but I don't know if thats true. But thats at least two years away. I don't know what to do. I think that maybe I have a slight social anxiety, I fear rejection, I fear people saying no to my offers of doing something social.

 

I just want to be happy, but I'm so confused. Do I wait 2 years?! I think I'm just too desperate to 'fit in' but I don't even know what I want to fit into! I'm to insecure, I'm too worried about people's opinions about me. For gods sake, i'm so pathetic.

 

My old friends.. this is a problem. I used to be great friends with them.. but slowly they all changed, into *******s. I can't talk to them now, I'll ask them how thier school is, etc, and they never ask about how I am, EVER. They go to gigs, to night clubs and such now. I think it must be jealousy, I'm jealous of what they have achieved, do I want to go with them? No! I don't want to do constant underage drinking every friday, I'd like to go for a drink every now and then. Gigs, I'd love to go to gigs, I've never been to one. But the simple fact is, I don't trust my old friends. I got an invite to go to one ages ago in London, but I just didn't trust my friends to get me home safely, and to make sure I'm alright. Also, my mum was quite worried by this, and this also contributed to not going.

 

How can I shake this jealousy? Why do I even care? They are not friends to me, they don't care about me, and I don't trust them. I hate jealousy.

 

 

Help .