cuddlycuddlebum Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 I think that I am being emotionally and physically abused. I think I want out. On the other hand, I already have 30,000 invested in this wedding and my heart. Oh and the invitations have been sent out already. Link to post Share on other sites
dilly Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 I ended up getting married because I had alot invested in the wedding. You say you've been physically and emotionally abused. It will just get worse when you do get married. Money is just money. Your emotional and physical well being is worth much more than that. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 dilly is right on the money. Don't get married because of the money. Divorce is alot more expensive. So are long term hospital stays. What is he doing to you? If you are in harms way you need to GET OUT NOW. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 I think that I am being emotionally and physically abused. I think I want out. On the other hand, I already have 30,000 invested in this wedding and my heart. Oh and the invitations have been sent out already. Physically abused? Are you a woman? It doesn't make much difference anyway. You are not going to get married because the wedding is already scheduled, are you? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 I've read some of your past posts and threads - if this is the same guy who donkey punches you, who wants you to watch him as he has sex with another woman even though he knows you would be very jealous, and who hurts you during anal sex despite you asking him to be gentle, then NO, you should not be marrying him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cuddlycuddlebum Posted February 6, 2007 Author Share Posted February 6, 2007 ^Yes I am a woman. It is partly the money but it is also having to explain to everyone why the wedding is off. It is so humiliating. I think I would rather wait it out and divorce after 2-3 years. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 Why would it be humiliating to tell people you've changed your mind about being with an abusive man? That's not humiliating. What is humiliating is the way your fiancee treats you. Do you really believe you can stand to be married for 2-3 years? How do you know he won't get worse after marriage if he's already abusive now? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 How can you think you're being physically abused? Physical abuse is pretty unequivocal & is never acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cuddlycuddlebum Posted February 6, 2007 Author Share Posted February 6, 2007 What is humiliating is the way your fiancee treats you. Exactly I am too ashamed to let anyone know and I am not sure if they would believe me anyway. I really do love him I was just frustrated earlier. Link to post Share on other sites
konfuzd Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 How will a divorce be less humiliating? First, go see a therapist. They are trained to help people in your situation. If anything, you should be proud to tell all your family and friends that you were bold enough, and strong enough to get out of the position he put you in. You can be empowered by this. Anyone who is a true friend and cares about you will support you and have great pride in what you have done. Do you have a very close family member/best friend you can tell first of all? They may be able to give you the strength you need, or even help you in breaking the news. See about taking a trip, getting away from this pile of dog sh^t you call a fiancee, and think about this with a clear head. Please, don't give him permission to treat you like garbage. That is all you are doing if you stay with him. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 Exactly I am too ashamed to let anyone know and I am not sure if they would believe me anyway. I really do love him I was just frustrated earlier. He's the one who should feel humiliated - he's the loser who is abusing you. You shouldn't feel humiliated - you should feel ANGRY and should want to get as far, far away from him as possible. Perhaps you aren't familiar with abusive men, but they never get better. It's just going to get worse and worse, and the CONTROL they exert over you will make it that much harder to get away from him after you are married. Once you are married, you will really be stuck with his behavior and you will lose more and more self-esteem until you start believing you deserve to be treated that way. If you are ashamed to let anyone know now (and you shouldn't be!!), it will be even harder for you to divorce later. How ashamed will you be to let people know that you've accepted his abuse for years??? Seriously, get out now. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 Exactly I am too ashamed to let anyone know and I am not sure if they would believe me anyway. I really do love him I was just frustrated earlier. But you're not frustrated anymore? Or any less... Who cares if THEY are not going to believe you? Are THEY going to live with him or you? Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 I think that I am being emotionally and physically abused. I think I want out. On the other hand, I already have 30,000 invested in this wedding and my heart. Oh and the invitations have been sent out already. You are being abused emotionally and physically. You should have gotten out a long time ago based on your posts here. This abuse will get worse and 2-3 years is a long time. If you marry him (and I think you will, but still hold out hope that you won't) you may end up with YEARS of therapy and an inability to move on to a normal/healthy relationship for many years to come. He is your first sexual partner and you cannot see how wrong his actions are. I'm afraid you have some seriously skewed ideas about love, sex, and how the two go together. Please do not marry him and seek professional help so that you may overcome this. It is not your fault, you have been conditioned to somehow believe that this man and his very unusual sexual practices are normal and/or healthy, but they are not. He seems to have really deep seated sexual issues and those are very difficult to change. Trust me, I was married to a man with different, but still deep seated, sexual issues and it caused me and my entire family agony. You still have time to get out, money be damned. Your physical, emotional, and mental well being are worth more than $30,000. You don't owe anyone any explanations. How about "things just didn't work out." Nobody needs to know the personal sexual details. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cuddlycuddlebum Posted February 6, 2007 Author Share Posted February 6, 2007 Thank you for your replies. I know that this looks pretty black and white from the outside but it is not. I do not want to feel ashamed and have people pity me, especially my parents. I could never hurt them like that. I really really love this man. Most of our time together is heavenly...but when it gets bad it is bad. It is hard to throw it all away and I do not want to make any rash decisions I will regret for the rest of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cuddlycuddlebum Posted February 6, 2007 Author Share Posted February 6, 2007 Quick hypothetical-- If I call it off, who gets to keep the ring? Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 I could only find definitive answers for 6 states. Laws seem to vary. Kansas and Missouri - the ring is considered a gift to the woman. New Mexico and New York - the ring is a "conditional" gift, the man gets it back. Texas and Washington state - the person who broke the engagement loses rights to the ring, so if you broke it off, he would be entitled to it. It would help to know your particular state, or you can Google it yourself. Edit: Upon further review, it appears that Kansas no longer uses the "gift" law. the best article I could find online is this one. http://www.nolo.com/article.cfm/pg/1/objectId/E2120B2B-1C65-4E77-92A0ADC4FA3EDC2A/catId/F896EE61-B80C-4FE1-B1687AC0F07903BA/118/304/ART/ Most states seem to view the "dumpee" as having legal rights to the ring. that assumes the dumpee would want it back and take legal measures to get it. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 Quick hypothetical-- If I call it off, who gets to keep the ring? Does that really matter? What's more important? Your emotional health and happiness or a stupid ring? One would think you'd be glad to give him the ring back. Think what you'd be getting in exchange. Happiness and sanity. No amount of money or diamond could replace that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cuddlycuddlebum Posted February 6, 2007 Author Share Posted February 6, 2007 Does that really matter? What's more important? Your emotional health and happiness or a stupid ring? One would think you'd be glad to give him the ring back. Think what you'd be getting in exchange. Happiness and sanity. No amount of money or diamond could replace that. You can go to hell. I was thinking I could sell in order to get some money to pay my parents back for the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 cuddly, Obviously I don't know your parents, but I am a parent. Money is important to me and I can't throw it around freely. That being said I would gladly forfeit what has been spent to keep you from marrying a man you are questioning marrying. That would be for any reason, not just yours. Is your relationship with your parents good? They might be more understanding than you think. I understand that you may not be comfortable telling them any details as to why you have changed your mind (hypothetically, I know you are not firm in that choice.) If I were to tell my parents that it is simply not a good choice for me and that I am not ready now to give full disclosure in the way of explanation, I think they would understand. My relationship with my parents isn't even all that good. I understand you may be feeling guilty about the money they have spent, but if they love you, and most parents love their children, they will value your happiness over money. You could always pay them back, a little at a time if it would ease your conscience. I would opt for full disclosure, but only you know what is right for your family. Good luck in weighing this out. The harder thing to do (break up with a full blown wedding very near) is often still the best choice. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 cuddly, Obviously I don't know your parents, but I am a parent. Money is important to me and I can't throw it around freely. That being said I would gladly forfeit what has been spent to keep you from marrying a man you are questioning marrying. That would be for any reason, not just yours. ddl is right. If your parents were willing to spend money on your wedding, then they must care about your happiness. I'm sure they would care much more that you are happy than that you are married. The money isn't as important as you are to them. It may even be possible to get some of your money back. You may lose your deposits, but probably will be able to recoup something. When is this wedding? Link to post Share on other sites
JA2 Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 First, I think you should cancel the wedding, you don't want to put yourself through a bad marriage like that. I know it's hard to leave someone you love so much and he probably does treat you really well most of the time, but it's those other times that you need to be worried about. I was there once, so I know. Also, as far as the ring. Was the ring a gift? Like was it given to you on your birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, if it was, you get to keep it. As far as the money spent on the wedding, sometimes the you can get credit from the places to use towards another event (when you marry the right man). It's thought. My friend was able to use the credit towards her wedding now. So you never know. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 I could only find definitive answers for 6 states. Laws seem to vary. Kansas and Missouri - the ring is considered a gift to the woman. New Mexico and New York - the ring is a "conditional" gift, the man gets it back. Texas and Washington state - the person who broke the engagement loses rights to the ring, so if you broke it off, he would be entitled to it. It would help to know your particular state, or you can Google it yourself. Edit: Upon further review, it appears that Kansas no longer uses the "gift" law. the best article I could find online is this one. http://www.nolo.com/article.cfm/pg/1/objectId/E2120B2B-1C65-4E77-92A0ADC4FA3EDC2A/catId/F896EE61-B80C-4FE1-B1687AC0F07903BA/118/304/ART/ Most states seem to view the "dumpee" as having legal rights to the ring. that assumes the dumpee would want it back and take legal measures to get it. This situation is governed by caselaw - if you're not an attorney, paralegal, or law student, it's not that easy to find an answer... Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 caliguy's post: Does that really matter? What's more important? Your emotional health and happiness or a stupid ring? One would think you'd be glad to give him the ring back. Think what you'd be getting in exchange. Happiness and sanity. No amount of money or diamond could replace that. Your response: You can go to hell. I was thinking I could sell in order to get some money to pay my parents back for the wedding. Well, you can tell me to go to hell as well. If what the other posters are saying is true re: your background/history with this guy, it shouldn't matter who gets the ring and/or how much money is invested in the wedding. We're talking about your happiness, your sanity, your physical well-being here. NO AMOUNT OF MONEY can buy/replace that - and I'd think your parents would completely understand and agree with your decision to call it off under the circumstances... Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Thank you for your replies. I know that this looks pretty black and white from the outside but it is not. Actually that's exaclty what it is: black and white before it turns black and grey until it becomes all black - all within a year or two. The formula is that the darkness puts a shadow on the good side and very soon erases it completely. The abuse takes over and becomes dominant. The loving moments become less and less frequent. I know you will marry him, but remember that it won't work. Don't despair, just keep in mind that you're not sure this is the right man for you. Don't have a baby right away, don't invest money with him, don't become financially dependent on him. I do not want to feel ashamed and have people pity me, especially my parents. I could never hurt them like that. This is BS, it's totally not the reason why you don't want to call the wedding off. I really really love this man. Most of our time together is heavenly...This - is the reason. It is hard to throw it all away and I do not want to make any rash decisions I will regret for the rest of my life.I hope marrying him won't be one of those decision that you will regret for the rest of your life. That being said, I wonder if YOU are abusive to your fiance as well. You didn't have a reason to tell CaliGuy You can go to hellIf that's how you deal with your BF - no wonder you bring the worst in him. Link to post Share on other sites
Fly My Pretties Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 "If that's how you deal with your BF - no wonder you bring the worst in him" That sounds awfully like "It's your fault he abuses you" I'm sure it wasn't intended to sound like that.. Link to post Share on other sites
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