RecordProducer Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 "If that's how you deal with your BF - no wonder you bring the worst in him" That sounds awfully like "It's your fault he abuses you" I'm sure it wasn't intended to sound like that.. Of course I didn't mean that she deserves physical abuse. But regarding verbal and emotional abuse, if she is able to speak like that to a stranger who meant no harm and din't say anything offensive to her then I can imagine how she acts with her BF. She is abusive, too and easy on the attacks. So the BF becomes abusive as a reaction. It doesn't really matter who starts first. My point is that they actually might be "right" for each other. As far as the physical abuse goes, as my mom said "If you hit a dog, it'll bite your finger; if you hit a lion, he'll bite your head off." Some guys leave, some yell, some insult, and some... hit a woman when they get angry. She tolerates it. And that's certainly not something anyone should tolerate. So yeah, I see what you mean that what I said sounded like she deserved it. But I wonder if he hit her or maybe pushed her away to run away from her screaming, you get the pic. What she calls physically abusive might not be it. She didn't give any details. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 What she calls physically abusive might not be it. She didn't give any details. Read her previous posts. It's pretty bad and it's sexual abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Cuddly- You are putting a price on your happiness. You are seriously considering marrying this guys even though he treats you so badly? 30000- so what. people will find out eventually. Going thru a sham wedding if your heart isn't really in it is terrible, people will see thru that. I think that people will be more understanding than you think. It sounds like you are confused and unsure, and if thats how you plan to walk up the aisle, your relationship is doomed. Getting married is the easy part. It takes five minutes to get married, and alot longer to get divorced. A divorce may be financially worse than losing the money on the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
sunlight Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 omg. So I was with, just kick him out last week, someone that was like that. I have invested a little over you in the relationship. We too were getting married in the near future. So this may help you a little more. When we fought, I wouldn't leave it alone, had to talk about it, he seemed he wanted to push me away and did it by pushing me to the floor, one twisted ankle, one hurt arm, pushed through a slidding door. I loved him so over looked that. I loved him so over looked that when we fought he brought out the worst in me. He asked me to marry him. I wanted the future, the husband, kids, home. ect. So I said yes. I wanted the ring and the promise that comes with it. I blamed myself so much cause look this guy loved me so much he wanted to marry me. We had really good times, but the worst just kept getting worse even when he was telling me its getting better. It was not getting better, I started feeling lost without him beside me. When you start to feel this way you know your not heading onto the right path. When I called it off I felt bad wanted him near me, he came over, but only to disappoint me again. I still miss him, but what I have realized is that I was in love with a dream of my future so far in love that I missed that point that it wasnt him I was in love with. No matter what you tell yourself that life is not love, you do not love him, and hunny a man that can treat you that way does not love you. No matter how hard that is to believe, he does not love you. And your not showing yourself love by letting him treat you this way. The truth is your not loving yourself and without loving yourself you can not love others. This is fact do not over look fact. You say 30'000 dollars is fact, well put the fact that you do not like yourself and he doesnt love you in there to. So you are lying to yourself. Stop your lying love yourself and then move on. It is hard. So very hard, I find myself hurting daily, checking my emails, running to the phone, wishing the door would open and there would be his face. Time only time helps heal that. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 Hi Cuddly, I have only read your post and other people's replies. If you are questioning things now, you should dig into the why of those questions. I wish someone had said that to me before I married my now exhusband. My ex thought once we were married, he had me. After we got married, he would tell me "now you know the real me". His skill at emotional, verbal, and sexual manipulation would have put any government interrigator to shame and only increased after we married. Our life became a cycle of very good to very bad. I would suggest you read this book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. It helped me to really see and understand what I was dealing with. I would also suggest talking to a therapist that understands abuse issues by yourself. They will help you to understand what is going on. Please be strong and take care of you first. You are the most important person to you. K Link to post Share on other sites
Grrlish Posted February 27, 2007 Share Posted February 27, 2007 ^Yes I am a woman. It is partly the money but it is also having to explain to everyone why the wedding is off. It is so humiliating. I think I would rather wait it out and divorce after 2-3 years. It will be exponentially more difficult to get out after you get married, as opposed to just walking away now. Get to a therapist or go to a women's center to get some initial support and guidance. It's time to let the cat out of the bag, at least to your parents. And, I agree with RecordProducer: A situation like this IS black and white. A man abuses you - you don't marry him. It really is that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 27, 2007 Share Posted February 27, 2007 You can go to hell. That was extremely rude to say to Caliguy. I say call if off now. If he is abusing you now you haven't seen anything once you become his wife. You talk about being humiliated and people pitying you - well that's what they will do later after you've already married this guy. Your unhappiness will be hard to hide. If he is sexually abusing you now who knows what he's going to do after he feels he has a legal right to your body. Talk to your parents and tell them what is going on I can assure you if they love you they will not want you to go through with this marriage. You may as well be open with them now because they will find out later. Don't give this guy 2-3 years to lower your self-esteem, age you, and perhaps jeopardize your health. People will be able to see the abuse in your face. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cuddlycuddlebum Posted March 18, 2007 Author Share Posted March 18, 2007 I now see why so many people on this board are single/cheated on. Link to post Share on other sites
catrocks Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 I now see why so many people on this board are single/cheated on. I'm not sure what to say to that, that is completely uncalled for, these people were just trying to help you - perhaps they didn't give you the help you wanted but you asked for their opinions, and people do have different opinions. You telling someone to go to hell and saying that you can see why everyone is single or whatever is completely rude and uncalled for. Link to post Share on other sites
Lezbean Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 Gee and she wonders why she is "abused". I think the fella may not be as guilty as she is making him out to be. She, herself is quite an ass. I feel sorry for the groom. Love, Lezzy:) Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 I now see why so many people on this board are single/cheated on. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be in the farce you call a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be in the farce you call a relationship. I'll second that. Donkey punching? I had never heard of that, but I'd kill someone if they did it to me. Whether I was "warned" or not, that's abusive to me. I'm not a sexual prude, but that is waaay out there. I can't imagine how any type of punching to achieve sexual pleasure could ever be acceptable. Enjoy your union, cuddlycuddlebum. I can't possibly call what you desire a healthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
chryssy83 Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 First, on the legal issue, I won't give you legal advice because I don't want a lawyer/client relationship established. But if you do end it and you want to keep the ring, you should consult an attorney regarding your right to the property. Second, what he is doing to you is wrong and illegal. You have to take care of yourself. What people have been telling you here is right, and sometimes you have to be brutal about a brutal situation. The people here said to leave because they care about you. THEY CARE ABOUT YOU...and they don't even know you. This guy you're with....he "cares" about you enough to hurt you. He's messed up and it's only going to get worse. Don't think this is your fault, you can't behave badly enough to deserve physical and sexual assault. But it sounds like you could benefit from some counseling and you should halt this wedding business now before you spend even more money! If you marry this guy, don't think he will get better or that he won't screw you legally if he can when you end the marriage. What's the point of staying with him when you could be perfectly happy with someone else? If the money bothers you, just skip the fancy ceremony/reception when you marry the RIGHT guy. It'll be the same difference to your parents financially, and everyone would be happier to see you with a guy who treats you well. Please consider counseling, and take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cuddlycuddlebum Posted May 13, 2007 Author Share Posted May 13, 2007 First, on the legal issue, I won't give you legal advice because I don't want a lawyer/client relationship established. But if you do end it and you want to keep the ring, you should consult an attorney regarding your right to the property. Second, what he is doing to you is wrong and illegal. You have to take care of yourself. What people have been telling you here is right, and sometimes you have to be brutal about a brutal situation. The people here said to leave because they care about you. THEY CARE ABOUT YOU...and they don't even know you. This guy you're with....he "cares" about you enough to hurt you. He's messed up and it's only going to get worse. Don't think this is your fault, you can't behave badly enough to deserve physical and sexual assault. But it sounds like you could benefit from some counseling and you should halt this wedding business now before you spend even more money! If you marry this guy, don't think he will get better or that he won't screw you legally if he can when you end the marriage. What's the point of staying with him when you could be perfectly happy with someone else? If the money bothers you, just skip the fancy ceremony/reception when you marry the RIGHT guy. It'll be the same difference to your parents financially, and everyone would be happier to see you with a guy who treats you well. Please consider counseling, and take care. Why would I want legal advice from someone attending a low-tier law school? Weird... Link to post Share on other sites
catrocks Posted May 14, 2007 Share Posted May 14, 2007 Why would I want legal advice from someone attending a low-tier law school? Weird... Sorry.... are you now attacking chryssy83? If so I really don't get you.... why come on a relationship advice forum and ask for relationship advice and then insult the people who try to advise you? I would consider chryssy83's advice very good and I would be so grateful to get such advice if I were in your situation. I think you need to first get out of your abusive relationship, and then seek professional help to discover why you have such a problem with anger and being inexcusably rude to people who are trying to HELP you. While I understand that you are in a bad relationship, but that does not give you the excuse to talk to people like that. Some of the things you have said have been totally inexcusable. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted May 14, 2007 Share Posted May 14, 2007 I second that. Cuddlycuddlebum, you are clearly one very unhappy person. Its your life at the end of the day, but sometimes other peoples perspectives are just as (if not more) valid as our own. they can see things you can't. Your comments and insults are uncalled for, and I am not sure whyyou even bothered coming onto this forum in the first place. And for the record, I am neither single nor cheated on. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted May 14, 2007 Share Posted May 14, 2007 I think that I am being emotionally and physically abused. I think I want out. On the other hand, I already have 30,000 invested in this wedding and my heart. Oh and the invitations have been sent out already. Your future and your happiness is worth a lot more than $30,000... If you are physically and emotionally abused, you need to get out of this... and QUICK. Link to post Share on other sites
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