Keeping a conversation going...

[SassyNClassy]

I'll start off by saying that I'm fresh on the dating scene after my breakup with the ex around 7 months ago.

 

I've met a few nice guys and have gone on some dates and had some extended phone "conversations". This is where I've been running into trouble. Though these men are all relativly smart and friendly I've been finding it a bit difficult to keep conversations flowing with them. It just seems like after we get past the initial "what's your job like? what do you do for fun? stage they sort of clam up and let me run the conversation.

 

I don't know if this is a lack of experience (I'm 22 and the guys are usually a little older than me) or shyness. I seem to be the one trying to keep the talk up and at times I feel like I'm just babbling in order to avoid that ackward silence. Is it because we just don't have enough in common or is this a guy thing? I don't think I'm boring them or anything because they always seem pretty interested (laugh at appropriate times/interact and answer questions when asked).

 

It's frustrating because it seemed like my ex and I never ran out of things to say and it just seemed so easy in the beginning...although we did have mutual friends to talk about and he was a pretty chatty guy. So, this is what I'm comparing my new experience to.

 

So, my question is, does anyone have some conversation pointers for me to help draw a guy out and talk about himself more? What do people typically talk about on dates other than their jobs/school? How do I get these guys to ask me some questions and help keep up the flow of conversation?

 

Thanks for the help!

[Kamille]

I don't have much pointers but one thing I can say is this : learn the power of silence.

 

It's actually a trick I learned in a class about interview techniques. Silence gives partners in a dialogue time to collect their thoughts and reflect. In fact, a few seconds of silence often indicate confort and confidence, not the opposite.

 

So try this. Next time you feel pressured to keep the conversation going, take a deep breath and wait for your date to chime in. It works wonders I swear. You will get to know your dates better because they will have more input in the conversation and how it develops. And the more you do it, the more you will be confortable doing it.

[TheDC]

Is it because we just don't have enough in common or is this a guy thing? I don't think I'm boring them or anything because they always seem pretty interested (laugh at appropriate times/interact and answer questions when asked).

 

Oh the bitter irony. Take a look at any top ten things not to do on a date list for men and you will see that talking too much is right up there. One thing that men are constantly being told not to do is talk too much, or dominate the conversation during a date. We are told that we should allow the woman to talk and that we should listen attentively. So that's exactly what he's doing.

 

Mostly it is focused on men being quiet and listening and paying attention to her.

 

You want to draw him into the conversation more. Then do as others have suggested, which is to provide quiet moments for him to speak up.

 

You could also ask him open ended questions that require him to give thoughtful answers. Ask him to tell you about an experience, like his first day at school or the first time he moved into his first apartment or something like that.

[quankanne]

a good way to keep conversation moving is to find out what the other person's interests are, then ask one or two questions that'll draw them out. Does he like fishing? Where's the best place he's found locally? Any suggestions on how to improve your fishing technique? Then let the conversation prompt you on more questions. At least this is what I've found to work best for story interviews. Most people clam up because they don't want to make themselves look bad, but when someone is the "authority" on a particular subject (especially themselves!) you pretty much want to hear whatever they want to say about things )

 

just make sure that your questions are open-ended as possible, as DC points out ... that gives the other person the cue to talk.

[SassyNClassy]

Thanks for the tips guys...we'll see how it goes this time

[Kamille]

Another tip: reformulation. When he does speak, just repeat the last thing he said with an interrogative tone. (it helps of course if you are interested in what he is saying)

 

Example:

 

Him: So I got a job in Reno.

 

You: In Reno?

 

For some reason, this usually works. It kind of prompts the interlocutor to keep going. I guess it shows interest while keeping him in charge of the topic.