Losing your Friends.........

[mimi]

Hello,

 

This is a bit of a long story, so i'll try to cut it short............

 

I have 2 best friends and we've all been the best of friends for about 11 years, we are all 21 now. My mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer last year, and she passed away during the summer. Since I found out my mom was sick, these 2 friends have completly turned a 180 on me, and have been totally unsupportive. Them and their families all know my mom very well, have even spent vacations with her, and always liked her.

I dont understand at all.

 

It's just so weird, this makes my mom's passing so much harder, because my friends ditched me , basically cause my mom got sick. I dont get it, I am a strong person and I am not one to sit around a sob about my mom to friends, even if I was, they didn't stick around long enough to let me. What I dont get is, why would they act this way? I literally didn't hear 1 single word from them since about 1 month after her diagnosis. My one friend "Marie" was married about a year ago, and I feel her husband may not let her have friends, but this is no excuse, even her dad said the reason she didn't come to my moms funeral or supported me at all, was because , "Well, she just got married ya know". ya a year ago. She did swing by my moms house the night of the funeral (after 8 monthes of not hearing from her) and said her husband was grumpy in the car and could only stay 5 mins, then she punched me on the arm and said , " Hang in there".

 

And the other girl found out my mom died through "Marie", and didn't even call me, I saw her on the street and she said she'd call, but never has. I dont get it? I thought real friends, freinds who you've spent endless days and nights with for the past 11 years, would at least be there for you, when your mom dies!!! I am sorry this is taking so long, but I just want to know why people do this sort of thing? Every day I feel like calling them and saying "You know what, I cant believe I was even friends with you! Bitch!". because I feel I wasted so much time with these fair weather gals! How do I move on, and what should I say to them?

 

Thank you for all your kind help,

Tausha

[Tony T]

You can never lose a friend, you can only find out who they are.

 

These ladies were not your friends, just situuational acquaintances. While you felt a special bond to them, the feelings were not shared. As long as everything was going fine, the relationship could continue. When there were problems, they were gone. It's heartbreaking, especially in the face of the death of your mother. It's unfortunate you had to find this out at such a sad time.

 

A lot of people just don't want to deal with death...it's too much of a reminder to them that they, too, will once pass on. Others just feel very awkward and would rather terminate a friendship than try to figure out what to say or do.

 

Don't even try to figure out why they acted as they did. It's probably a combination of their being poor friends, ignorant, rude, unsympathetic, etc. I'd say ignorance plays a large part it in.

 

But they were NEVER your best friends...they were never even your friends. And you had the nerve to call the BEST friends.

 

This is a wake up call for you to do a better job of inventorying the people around you. If you find you have even one or two BEST friends, a miracle has occurred. We all have people around us who hang there for one reason or other...but most have a reason or an agenda.

 

A real friend is there for no reason other than friendship. A real friend is not there because he or she was thrown together with us for some reason. A real friend will never desert you.

 

So you have found out they were not your friends. The universe has worked exactly the way it's supposed to be. Now, go treasure those who are your real friends. And if you find you have none, BE a real friend and one will come into your life. If you are EXTREMELY lucky, you might find two.

 

All the days of your life, people will come and go and it will be sad but you will no longer be surprised when people you thought were your friends just stop talking to you. It happens, it will always happen. There's simply nothing you can do about it.

 

And the people you feel very closest to will sometimes be the people who hurt you the most. The difference is that if they are really your friend, they will be equally as hurt for hurting you. If they are not your friend, they won't give a shxt.

 

I'm sorry you're having to grow up and realize a lot of things all at once. But you have only lost your mother. You have GAINED the knowledge the two people you thought were your friends weren't.

 

Let it go, move on, be smarter, be sharper, and treasure the people who stand by you through everything that happens in life.

[Patty]

True Friends

 

1.always there for you no matter what

 

2.wont take advantage of you

 

3.never use you

 

4.help you through hard times

 

5.share 50/50

 

6.appologize when they did something wrong

 

7.always has you on the top of their list

 

8.like doing things with you

 

9.like you for who you are

 

10.care about you

 

Patty

[Tony T]

Good definition of true friends....too bad there aren't more of them around!!!

 

I also think a true friend doesn't mind shining my shoes for me if they need it.

[Patty]

Thanks Tony.

 

Your right the world would be a better place if there were more people like that.

I also forgot to add" they never give up on you. "

 

Patty

[butterflyz]

i won't go into details here, just check out my post under "dating" (the obsessed one).

 

but, i too, have learned that the people i called friend, really weren't. Tony is right about so much in his post.

 

and it always happens when something tragic occurs. i don't buy the story about that dying is uncomfortable for others. what is really going on is that now you are becoming work to them.

 

they don't want to expend the energy lifting your heart off the floor. that is not a friend. a friend rolls up her sleeves and gets dirty with you.

 

the best thing to do, in your situation, would be to write them a letter. you can mail it or not. don't expect a response because they'll be caught in an uncomfortable stance. they'll either call you crazy, didn't "realize" they weren't there for you. but most likely they'll just let it and you go.

 

i say write a letter versus calling because you are emotionally charged and probably wouldn't get your point across properly.

 

sorry this had to happen. i know it sucks. in time, you get used to them being gone.

[mimi]

Thank you for all your kind responses.

[luvmoe]

Mimi-

 

In this life there is an important lesson I have learned and that is you need to look out for #1. The only person you can count on is yourself. I used to put my trust into my friends. I used to rely on them for a lot of emotional support, but the only thing is I ultimately need to make the decisions regarding my life, not them. I know it has to be hard with your mothers death. She's your mother! She loves you and always will. I think you need to concentrate on what makes you happy. What do you want out of this life? If your friends don't want to be there for you, SO BE It! There are a million people on this earth and you are focus on these two. Honey it is time to see the strength you have inside yourself and prove to yourself that you can do anything!

 

I hope this helps,

Good Luck,

 

luvmoe

[ThisGirlNameKD]

It's true what they say that you never know who you're friends are until you go through something dramatic and traumatic or life changing and see who's still around. Unfortunately you had to learn during a time when you needed them the most. I don't know if you're interested in contacting these people or not, but the most important thing for you to do now, is to find some good adult friends. Adult meaning friends that are mature enough to handle rainy days.