Hopeless sucker

[alleyrose]

I need help. I have been with my husband since I was 18. I am now 26 and we have been married almost 5 years. We now have 2 children a 4year old and 4 mo old. I need some advice if he can change. Little background:

 

After 3 years together he started hannging out with a girl from work. I didn't like it but I trusted him. Well one night he didn't pick me up from work after being with her. We broke up that night. Supposidly all they did was kiss. So about 6 mo later he calls and is sorry. I take him back moving from Tx to Ga for him.

 

Then we get a roomate. A guy and I start noticing weird chats on the computer. I ask hubby (we are married at this point) if roomie is gay? These chats are all with local men. So I put this on roomie. Then I get pregnate. HE starts going crazy going out all night comming home drunk with glitter on him. And stupid me I let all this go. Well we move into a house and have our son. Then there are nights he doesnt come home. Well a call from the ER and he had started doing coke. At some point he has given me chylmadia through this. Never admited to cheating until now (3years later).

 

So now 2 years after this I find emails of him answering personals for a third in a threesome. He says he will never do this again and never did anything.

 

Ok now we are to the birth of my daughter. Things seem fine to me but low and behold more emails. He is much better at hiding them now. He also placed a personal on our anniversery for MEN! I ask him if he his bi or what and he just gets mad. So I go get STD screen and all that fun stuff and came back clear. He jsut says I told you you would be its all just messing with people. But I wonder why do these people need to be local? and why are they men! NOw he says nothing was physical I won't do it again. And I know he will and I think he might have met up with people. He chatted with one guy and was like do you care that I have a wife? I just want to hook up tonight. And map quested a location for a guy!

 

As I write this I know I cant stay and my family is ready to buy my ticket home but I feel bad for my kids. And I wonder if counceling would even help. He cries all the time now and seems to feel really bad but my brain says don't fall for it again! YOur LIFE IS AT RISK!! IT is so hard though. I don't know if I still love him or I am dependent on having someone with me. And I am scared to be a single mom. ANY ADVICE PLEASE.

[Ladyjane14]

Your husband has cheated on you for the ENTIRE history of your relationship. What makes you think for even a minute that he's willing to change? Because he says so? Hey, you've heard THAT one before, haven't you?

 

You know that guy could just as easily given you AIDS instead of chlamydia. What would happen to your children then?

 

If it were me... I'd take my family's advice and I'd take their help. This guy is NOT going to change. He doesn't have your best interest at heart nor that of the children.... because if he did, surely he would have shown the ability to put his family first by now. And he hasn't. He puts his penis first. THIS is his priority. And unfortunately a penis doesn't have a BRAIN to think with.

 

That leaves YOU as the one who needs to do the thinking and planning for your family. He can't be trusted to do it. Largely, because he doesn't have the ABILITY to do it. If he did, surely you'd have seen it by now.

 

EnigmaXOXO posted us a link a while back to an article by Frank Pittman, and I happened to bookmark it. Take note of the section regarding philanderers on page 3. Here are a couple of paragraphs:

 

Philandering is a predominantly male activity. Philanderers take up infidelity as a hobby. Philanderers are likely to have a rigid and concrete concept of gender; they worship masculinity, and while they may be greatly attracted to women, they are mostly interested in having the woman affirm their masculinity. They don't really like women, and they certainly don't want an equal, intimate relationship with a member of the gender they insist is inferior, but far too powerful. They see women as dangerous, since women have the ability to assess a man's worth, to measure him and find him wanting, to determine whether he is man enough.

 

These men may or may not like sex, but they use it compulsively to affirm their masculinity and overcome both their homophobia and their fear of women. They can be cruel, abusive, and even violent to women who try to get control of them and stop the philandering they consider crucial to their masculinity. Their life is centered around displays of masculinity, however they define it, trying to impress women with their physical strength, competitive victories, seductive skills, mastery of all situations, power, wealth, and, if necessary, violence. Some of them are quite charming and have no trouble finding women eager to be abused by them.

 

Gay men can philander too, and the dynamics are the same for gay philanderers as for straight ones: the obvious avoidance of female sexual control, but also preoccupation with masculinity and the use of rampant sexuality for both reassurance and the measurement of manhood. When men have paid such an enormous social and interpersonal price for their preferred sexuality, they are likely to wrap an enormous amount of their identity around their sexuality and express that sexuality extensively......

 

http:// http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-19930501-000027&page=1

[dropdeadlegs]

I'll give you 10 reasons to leave him:

After 3 years together he started hannging out with a girl from work. I didn't like it but I trusted him. Well one night he didn't pick me up from work after being with her. We broke up that night. Supposidly all they did was kiss. So about 6 mo later he calls and is sorry. I take him back moving from Tx to Ga for him.

That's number 1

Then we get a roomate. A guy and I start noticing weird chats on the computer. I ask hubby (we are married at this point) if roomie is gay? These chats are all with local men. So I put this on roomie.

Number 2

Then I get pregnate. HE starts going crazy going out all night comming home drunk with glitter on him. And stupid me I let all this go.

Number 3

Well we move into a house and have our son. Then there are nights he doesnt come home.

Number 4

Well a call from the ER and he had started doing coke.

Number 5

At some point he has given me chylmadia through this. Never admited to cheating until now (3years later).

Number 6

So now 2 years after this I find emails of him answering personals for a third in a threesome. He says he will never do this again and never did anything.

Number 7

Ok now we are to the birth of my daughter. Things seem fine to me but low and behold more emails. He is much better at hiding them now.

Number 8

He also placed a personal on our anniversery for MEN! I ask him if he his bi or what and he just gets mad. So I go get STD screen and all that fun stuff and came back clear. He jsut says I told you you would be its all just messing with people. But I wonder why do these people need to be local? and why are they men! NOw he says nothing was physical I won't do it again. And I know he will and I think he might have met up with people.

Number 9

He chatted with one guy and was like do you care that I have a wife? I just want to hook up tonight. And map quested a location for a guy!

Finally, number 10

As I write this I know I cant stay and my family is ready to buy my ticket home but I feel bad for my kids. And I wonder if counceling would even help. He cries all the time now and seems to feel really bad but my brain says don't fall for it again! YOur LIFE IS AT RISK!! IT is so hard though. I don't know if I still love him or I am dependent on having someone with me. And I am scared to be a single mom. ANY ADVICE PLEASE.

Taking someone from the familiarity of family and friends to an out of state location is very common in sexual thrill seekers. He removed you from your comfort zone and support system so that it would be harder for you to leave him. Take your family's help and get out. Sexual risk taking is a very deep seated issue and it would take years of counseling to overcome it, IF he even wanted to overcome it, and I don't see any indication that he wants to.

 

Cut your losses. 10 red flags does not bode well for the absence of many more to come. Your kids will adapt and survive. Being a single Mommy isn't always a perfect life, but it's not dangerous to your health. Love yourself and your kids enough to have something better for all of you. Please.

[alleyrose]

I know you are so right. It is just so scary. I guess I just keep hoping he will change but I can't do it anymore. He says he doesn't know why he does it. That to me just shows more that he won't stop if there is no reason for him to cheat. I just wish it was easier emotionaly.

[quankanne]

I think it's less about him not know "why" but the fact that he doesn't stop.

 

for your childrens' sake, and for your safety, you really should leave as quickly as possible. Because if you don't, you will model to your children that this kind of behavior is appropriate in relationships – it won't be easy, but doing the right thing sometimes is hard.

 

hugs,

quank

[dropdeadlegs]

alleyrose, all breakups are hard. My thoughts are with you. The right decision is more often the harder one to go through with.

[Ladyjane14]

I know it's scary, hon. But this part quoted below is the TRUTH that you are facing. And it can't be avoided.

 

Sexual risk taking is a very deep seated issue and it would take years of counseling to overcome it, IF he even wanted to overcome it, and I don't see any indication that he wants to.

 

You can't change other people. They have to choose it for themselves. In order to get better, your husband might need YEARS of therapy, and he would have to embrace his treatment plan whole-heartedly. He'd have to do it because he wants to get better, not because he wants to keep you with him.

 

If I were you, I'd 'get out while the getting is good'. I've been married for 25 years, and I'll tell you... it's not always a picnic under the BEST of circumstances. There are ups and downs even when you're dealing with a spouse who doesn't have these serious issues. I can't imagine going the distance with a guy who does.

[dropdeadlegs]

I was married to a man that had some serious sexual issues. Apparently his father had serious sexual issues, but I did not know that when I married him. He was abused in a nonphysical way, and this must have warped his thought patterns. Again, my situation was different, but what I learned from speaking to a counselor that specialized in sexual "quirks" and predators is that they almost NEVER are able to change this behavior. It's something too "hard-wired" even when they do embrace changing it. Your husband has shown you that he is either unable to, or does not desire to change his behavior even though you have repeatedly caught him in dangerous thrill seeking behavior.

 

I could not stay with my former husband. My heart ached at first and I never saw anything coming, but I had to listen to my head.

 

You have so much life left to live and two children to consider. There are simply times when it is best to cut and run. It takes time for the heart to heal, but it almost always does. You have the support of your family, and that is wonderful. LET THEM HELP YOU. You can get on your feet and eventually you may be ready for a man that loves you and has the same morals, ethics or values.

 

Ladyjane is right. Marriage is tough in the best of marriages. I assure you that you can have a better one.

[alleyrose]

Thank you for your insight. I know I need to leave I guess I just need to hear it from other people. I just wish things could be differant. He last told me when I told him last night that I was going to leave that he was the only one that wanted to work on this. I told him Im not the one that cheated. What else can I do. I don't think this was all internet I truly feel he was meeting people when he told me he was going to work. I know it may be good for a few years if I stay but I know he will do it again and next time I may not get to keep my health.