~Trusting again~Am I wrong???

[mommy42cuties]

Hi - I’m having a hard time trusting my DH again and now I’m starting to feel guilty about it. We have been married for a little over 5 years and have 2 children. About 3 years ago he got involved with this girl from work and he continued to tell me that they are just friends. I found phone records were they talked for 45 mins and that made me feel uncomfy, so I confronted him about her and he said she is his best friend. Well that didn’t fly with me bc I am supposed to be his best friend, so I told him that it was her or me. He choose me and it took me a long time to trust him again. I checked on him all the time. Eventually, I did trust him and quit checking on him. Then about 6 months ago, he started acting weird again. Just being real short with me and I was getting suspicious again. I started checking his phone again and could not find anything, but I knew something was wrong. He would not talk to me about it though. I asked him all the time, are you happy, is everything ok and could not get anything from him. I finally was able to check him email and found that he had been emailing this girl from work and talking dirty on email. The kids and I left and went to my Moms and stayed there. He told me that it made him feel good when she would talk to him on the email like she was. It made him fell good to know that someone wanted him. He promises that nothing ever happened with her and it was strictly email. This girl works at his place of work, but at another location so he never really seen her in person. So, he promised that it was over and that it was nothing and that everything is ok. So, I took him back and we decided to work everything out. I did not trust him at all again. Everything was a constant struggle. About 5 months have gone by and I found out at the beginning of January that there is another girl that he has been talking to. I had even questioned him about this girl bc they work in the same building. The way I found out is I found a receipt for a rose that he bought her. A single rose $40 bucks! UGH. So, again, the kids and I left him and went to my Moms. We were apart for a week. He swears that nothing had happened between them, she just knows how to listen to him and makes him happy. They went to lunch a couple of times and he hugged her, which was the farthest, he said. He even thought that he might Love her. So, to make a long story short, we were apart and he finally told me that he wanted to try to work things out if I did. And, for some dumb reason, I did want to. Not just for my kids, but I really Love him. But, now I cannot trust him at all and he gets mad at me when I ask him questions about our money being gone, or what he did for lunch. I think that I have the right to know what he is doing for lunch, what he did with some money, why he is late from work, and who just called him. BTW, he still works with this girl. He is her boss. And, I still check his phone and stuff as well. Not that it actually helps, bc if he is really trying to hide something, I know he can delete, but I guess it makes me feel better since he got busted all three times. I feel a little bad that I cannot trust him, a little guilty when I have to ask him about something, but I just have to. I cannot stand it!!! And he gets upset as well when I ask him about stuff. I mean, there had to be something that he didn’t like at home to feel the need to get this type of stuff from these other girls. We did not have the perfect marriage, but I talked to him about my problems, I just could not get him to talk to me about his or what he is unhappy about. Is it normal for me to feel guilty about asking him? Or and I stupid and should I not care what he thinks? This is the 3rd time…does it matter what he gets mad about? Then, is it wrong for me to feel guilty about asking him and not trusting him? Just so confused about everything. Please help. Any advice would be great!!

 

Thanks,

mommy42cuties

[ponderingfar]

if he never wanted to be doubted anyways, he shouldn/t have betrayed your trust. I feel for you because I know on your end, it isn't easy also being doubtful all the time. once and for all you should ask his commitment to the sanctity of your marriage.take care.

[jmargel]

IMO he's still cheating on you. Only for the fact that when you bring up questions regarding this, he gets defensive. That is a red flag. He should be so concerned about your feelings right now that he should be more than happy to account for his whereabouts.

 

Second he just got a verbal wrist slap from you regarding the other cheating he did. He has no respect for you or the children and as long as you tolerate his behavior he'll continue to do it. A single rose doesn't cost $40 unless something else comes with it. You also just don't buy someone roses for the heck of it.

 

He's a player and his immaturity is shining through when you confront him on these issues. The best defense is a good offense right? So when you confront him, he'll tip the agrument over to you so that he doesn't have to answer your questions.

 

There is no trust in this marriage which is a basic necessity for any relationship to last. IMO I would give him an ultamatium. Marriage counseling or your gone. It's time to stop babying him.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm in agreement with Dr. Phil on this one... If your spouse can't do it or say it with you standing right next to him, it's cheating'

 

Treat it accordingly. Your husband needs to be an "open book" at this point and PROVE that he can be trusted any time and any place. He was WRONG, and now he needs to EARN his way back.

[mommy42cuties]

Thanks for the reply jmargel. I thought the same thing about him getting so defensive, but when I ask him if he is still cheating, he tells me no. he swears and tells me that he loves me. The rose was singe, in a vase and delivered to their place of work. He later told me that he (at the time) had feelings for her. he thought he loved her. He hadnt bought me a single rose in years and one of my complaints about our marriage was that he was never romantic or never tried to really make me happy. I mentioned marriage counseling and he agreed to it. Actually, we are going tonight @ 6. I guess the reason I decided to post today was bc I'm scared that we are going to go to this therapist and everything is going to turn around and be my fault. Just scared...I guess, that I didnt do this or that and that is why he felt the need for all these years to go somewhere else for his comforts. Then that saying, once a cheater always a cheater keeps on playing in my mind and I think, he's done it 3 times, why wouldnt he again. Just very very confused????

[ponderingfar]

good luck i hope everything turns well...it is truly difficult keeping the marriage for keeps...i salute you for your courage to exhause everything and for never giving up despite the deceit

[mommy42cuties]

Thanks ponderingfar. Not sure if its courage that I have, but something tells me to give him another chance. I just fell like he doesnt ever want to talk about his feelings, but maybe this is what the counselor will help with. He has no problems opening up to this "girl".

[tweldy]

Because your husband has less of a sense of personal responsibility than my five year old. This is total garbage and you should not have to put up with it. He needs some personal growth and he needs it yesterday, but I'm sure you already knew these things. I would recommend demanding that he get some sort of counseling, although I don't know exactly what he needs, and until he gets on board with that, he is locked out of the house.

 

You aren't 'wrong' about anything because you're not the problem. Apparently you have to be a part of the solution, though. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

[BeenAround_N_Back]

I have been in your shoes. Lied to, saying nothing ever happened, being extremely defensive. Those are signs that he is cheating. Something did happen, he is just not telling you. Yup, you got 3 kids. I feel for you. For me, this only happened once but I am not sure if I can put up with the lies again, men don't write dirty emails or give someone flowers without expecting or wanting something in return... if you know what I mean. Take care of yourself and your children. If this happened to me a second time that he is chasing someone, I would pick my bags and leave, even if I have 2 children now. What values am I teaching my children if I stay and put up with this? They will disrespect me in the future knowing I stayed with a man who thinks I have stupid written on my forehead. Sorry if I sound bitter. I have good days and bad days. I am still recovering from the affair that I discovered last February. What your H is doing sounds very similar, being defensive, vowing nothing happened. Come on, I was not born yesterday. We are not in kindergarden where you give gifts and expect nothing in return. There is something seriously wrong if your H is having feelings for someone else. good luck with whatever you do, it will be a tough road but we are here to support you.